I need to let you go.
I need to let you go. but why can’t I? there are countless reasons. maybe it’s because of what you meant to me within that short time period. I was so vulnerable and trusting with you so quickly and you managed to break me just the same. how dare you tell me that you were sorry for allowing myself to break my walls down when you gave me even more reason to build them up and even higher. how dare you give me reasons to question myself. my worth. my principles. my views on me. what make me me. what makes me who I am. how fucking dare you. it’s so unfair. I’m finding myself thinking of you and finding it hard for me to go where we used to. I’m hurting myself looking at your pictures and current ones with someone who isn’t me. I’m questioning where it went wrong and the answer isn’t me. or the timing. or fate. it was you. you were everything wrong and I was so blinded by the beautiful red flags that waved over you because I was so drawn to the lying ways you made me feel. I felt so special and cared for with you. I felt everything. The way you’d hold my hand while driving. The way you'd play with my hair while I’m laying on you. The way you’d open the door for me. The way you’d text me good morning. The way you’d let me call you when I’m walking home from the gym. The way we’d banter about basketball. The way you’d tell me randomly that you were happy when you're with me. I felt all the ways you'd do things. I felt all the words. I felt every piece of you when you were with me. And I still do. I used to love it and soak it all in because it was new and it was with you. And now? Now I fucking hate it. I despise it with so much of myself and it fucking kills me. Never did I expect to feel such a way towards you nor did I ever want to. I feel these things and think these things, writing all of this bullshit out but do you even give the thought of me the light of day anymore? of course not. clearly you’ve moved on and it’s without me. I was hurt, of course... but happy for you. and then broken a little more when you decided to just fully cut me off and erase my existence from your life. I hate this. I hate that I’m still hurting and feeling so broken apart knowing you’re living your best life and so happily forgetting about me. It isn’t fair that I’m on this end feeling torn apart by someone who had my heart for such a short time. All you did, all you said. Lies. Lies, lies, and more lies. Empty words that meant nothing but so much to me. I can’t go to the beach without thinking of our walks and talks along the way. I can’t stumble upon screenshots of old messages without thinking about how it was so beautifully different then. I can’t do such simple things without finding myself thinking of you and feeling so sad and mad and hurt all over again. And I fucking hate it. You tore me up into all these pieces and I know damn well I’ll be able to put myself together again. But I just want it to happen already because it’s not fucking fair how I’m more hurt and feeling this way and you just aren’t. I don’t know why it’s taking me so goddamn long but soon enough it’ll happen. and by the time I’m rereading this while fully healed I’ll be able to finally say that I let you go. Because after all of this and all of you, I need to let you go.
