#1 DAD ! @quitebro-blog - Tumblr Blog

“I’m suddenly struck with the overwhelming need to crawl back into bed.”

a hearty scoff leaves him, arm snaking around the shoulders of a certain layabout and squeezing tightly. ❝ dude, it’s literally just eight in the morning. i didn’t think you’d be so weak after making all those morning classes back in college. ❞ he coos playfully, a reminder that only one of the two roommates could truly rise on-time for their education — that one was not himself. still, one aspect sorely missed of living with eli was a human alarm clock, making sure he did not oversleep himself into flunking out.

❝ we’re already too far out to make it back to bed, but if you’re lucky, i’ll carry you back to the car if you keel over. ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#dadsjoke #HELLO I'M SO EMO IZZY I CANT BELIEVE UR SLEEPIN WHILE IM DYIN

seeksbats

I’m js…the mizo.guchi kids could easily fit into craig’s family they’re constantly positive and one of them is a super athlete

#* FITNESS DAD IS BEST DAD. ( char study. )#so ??? craig now has two more kids it's official

I tend to keep talking ‘til somebody stops me.

❝ don’t gotta worry about anything here, bro. just two dudes and a whole lot of sports gear. ❞ there is a familiar fatigue which latches onto the shoulders of this man, and for a moment, he feels as if a mirror stood across from him rather than another. his own nerves were ever so rampant, constantly acting out, and only by staying busy could keep his mind still. if he were anything like himself, words meant nothing in the face of the sobering reality, but there was a hope that he could lend a hand of some sort.

❝ so, feel free to relax, even if just for a bit. ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#aterace #this made me Lowkey emo goodb #HELLO SHIRO N CRAIG SAVED ME LIFE IN 2017

` 。 ♡ ELI.

❝ dude , i’ve always been suave ! ❞ born with more game than anyone before him ! admittedly it might be a tiny over exaggeration , there was that one time that girl threw her drink at him because of a bad pick up line back at college - his ego is still recovering from that almost two decades later . either way , suave ? that’s elijah’s middle name and that’s the story he’s sticking to . the smile on his face is hidden by the straw , see ? totally suave !

❝ two weeks ? that’s almost enough time to get through a few seasons of paranormal ice truckers and get you reacquainted with the concept of a couch , bro . i think manda called it netflix and chill ? ❞

a total lie spouted from his friend’s lips, one which earns only the most dramatic of eye rolls. before eli came around, never had the world seen someone attempt a pick-up line in the romantic atmosphere of drunken beer pong. the memories flood back in technicolor, and a warm smiles creases across his face again. perhaps he lived too much in the past, but it did wonders with helping him cope with the fact that they were getting to be ancient artifacts. he still did not understand the difference between instagram, twitter, and dadbook.

❝ dude, that’s a show that only you like to watch. ❞ he begins with a light sigh, calloused hand now swirling his drink with a forlorn straw. ❝ i dunno. i feel like i should be... doing whatever work i can’t do when they’re around. make the most of the quiet, y’know? ❞

#dadsjoke #me 2 i got so emo just thinking abt the 2 of them #What They Couldve Been ( and what they become Heh )

batwake

rb this with your sign and what dad you dated first in DDADDS

im a cancer and dated hugo

#* CRAIG IS MY ACTUAL BOYFRIEND. ( toni speaking. )#hello i'm a scorpio who dated craig first

" how 'bout a small jog? from here to the next convenience store. i could use some relaxing time right now. "

❝ so what, you can buy something? ❞ the corner store, a place which enraptured his misspent youth, only meant to steal away his hard-earned physical work and coin. still, he could not deny the ever-present allure of a scalding black coffee, paired with a toasted bagel slathered with cream cheese and strawberry jam. with that much on his mind at the mere mention, he could sympathize, but that is as far as that thought trails. instead, he adjusts and straightens his posture, river stretching outwards as more space is allotted to her. head cocks once in the direction of the store in question.

❝ i’m down for jogging, but i’ll be going passed the convenience store. maybe up a hill or two. if you come with, i can promise a good time and better food afterwards. ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#whirledskies #craig and lavi r buddies ? give it 2 me geese

Bagels and donuts: Round food, for every mood.

❝ too much sugar, too many carbs. ❞ for every time, every mood? especially at his age, a diet such as that was an assured way to make his abs disappear, and he was not in the mood for magic today. young people were blessed, with an appetite and a metabolism to match their less than stellar palates. for he, even a single cheat day would take several to burn off the remains of such evidence. he lets out a lax sigh, brows raised and a subtle smile given towards the girl whose menu dripped of innocence and youth.

❝ if you want something round, try an orange or something, dude. ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#screwcool #i'm Crying he CANT EVEN TAKE A JOKE ABT HEALTH LIKE THAT WHOADIOAWHDIO #sb: let's have a snack / craig: pulling out the kale chips

craig cahn, 38 years old, father of three, still calling people bro and dude.

#* CRAIG IS MY ACTUAL BOYFRIEND. ( toni speaking. )#i can't believe my boyfriend is like this : (

my dad is shit i need a new one

❝ you’re a bit too old to be any kid of mine, dude. ❞ the answer leaves him breathlessly, free. no matter how many times someone begged for his hand, be it as a father or as a boyfriend, his first and foremost priority were his daughters. still, it was not as if craig himself was unsympathetic to the desire for better, for something more than what fate destined them with. he gives a toothy, but genuine, smile and gently hooks a secure arm around the other man’s shoulders.

❝ how about friends, huh? need any of those too? ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#deathrisen #anyways ur adopted but as a friend haha #WAHDOIAWHDIOAWHDI I CANT BELIEVE I ANSWERED THIS SERIOUSLY CJ

CRAIGCANONS #001 - 003.

▪ craig and his parents have a very healthy relationship. it was with their help that he was able to launch his home-business, with his mother offering to work akin to an assistant as they were getting started. moving away was difficult, but he makes roadtrips often with the girls to visit them. ▪ it was not until recently in his life that craig accepted his sexuality as a gay man. after years of convincing himself that he could be happy with ashley and their family if he simply hid it, the strain it put on their marriage and his mental health ended up being too great. while they are a divorced couple officially, ashley and craig broke up on relatively warm terms. they still have much love for each other but it was decided that in order for each of them to be happy, they would have to be with other people. while he is still working out on how to live openly as a gay man, true to himself, those close to him, including his daughters and parents, already know the truth. ▪ ashley was craig’s closest and most stable support, his most reliable confidant, especially once he began working from home with his own business. without her, he has spiraled into a tornado frenzy of work, work, work. he feels guilty for ruining the normality of his daughters’ lives as well as taking away years from ashley, his best friend. this is why he refuses to relax, to take time off until he can make it up to them. in his mind, his perceived cowardice caused harm to others, and he is not allowed happiness until he has repaid that debt.

#* FITNESS DAD IS BEST DAD. ( char study. )#anyways this is a lot of the stuff i've been musing abt since i beat his route HWIOADHAIODHA #hello i love ashley and so does craig

` 。 ♡ ELI.

there’s sympathy in his smile , not everyone could be the ultra fit dad with a great personality to match but even still , it wasn’t deserved . what happened to a private conversation in a booth anyway ? ❝ some people just don’t understand the word no , or basic social cues , or decency , or —– ❞ okay , okay he’ll stop . hopefully it’s the last they see of her for a while though , elijah’s kind of got bored with the whole never getting to talk deal they’ve got going on .

❝ speaking about your girls , how are they ? back with smashley this week ? ❞ no river usually meant that much .

the impromptu roast session draws an inhibited snicker from him, mischievous smirk dashing his expression. the girl surely didn’t deserve all of the heat, but maybe some of it, considering how she failed to notice elijah’s own stare sharpening with each approach of her own. ❝ bro, i mean it’s not like you’ve always been the suave dude you are today. ❞ he quips, mind having already traveled to their awkward first interactions, several suppressed chuckles bubbling up from his chest.

❝ yeah, she took them on vacation. i’m free for almost two weeks. bro, i don’t know how i’m gonna survive. i swear i’ve got too much free time. ❞

#dadsjoke #bro .. . . . . .

❝ bro, they should just learn to take no for an answer. ❞ he replies easily, half-dejectedly as he stirs his green smoothie with a straw. it is a hesitant but knowing game he has adapted himself to, avoidance and deception, and since his time as a youngster attending college, his position shifted from player to played. despite the unpleasantness, there was no way craig could actually blame them, given his own demeanor as a student, one that he tried his best as a father to forget.

men were pigs, that much he knew first-hand. ❝ the only girls i can trust are mine. ❞ / @dadsjoke.

#dadsjoke #anywyas finally replies 2 this like i said i would WHADOIAWHDIAOD

"The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!"

❝ not at the coffee spoon, right? no way mat would let that go down. ❞ rare moments such as these, without his three daughters attached to his hip ( one literally strapped to his chest. ) were few, and they only paved the way for boredom to take place. already having exercised, eaten, and completed his work for the day, all before dinnertime, it left an expanse of time for which he did not know how to expend. playing hero for a bit couldn’t hurt, right?

❝ c’mon, let’s go get it back. i’ll come with you. ❞

#* EMAIL RECEIVED. ( answered. )#seeksbats #hello adopts a new daughter ur number 4

bunchofrpmemes

Chandler Bing quote starters

dadsjoke-blog

bunchofrpmemes:

Well, I took the quiz, and it turns out I do put career before men.

You know what’s weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not.

Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian… did I say that out loud?

The fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident.

Oh no, two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

You know for a hotline, you’re not very hot!

You may know this, you know strange things. What is the boiling point of brain?

I’ll give you fifty dollars for your underpants.

You left the toilet seat up, you bastard!

What is it with people watching me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep!

I just wanted to watch a little TV, okay? Relax, mom.

Hey. You’re never going to believe what happened to me today. I went to the bank. Totally hot teller. And she didn’t want to have sex with me in the vault!

I think it would be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other.

It’s been a while since we’ve yelled something…

I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say that I don’t have goals!

Men are here.

Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.

That is the beauty of this game; it makes you want to kill yourself.

That’s not going to get annoying.

You’re not gonna die. Well, you are gonna die. But you’re not gonna die today.

What if Martin Luther King had said that? “I kind of have a dream… I don’t wanna talk about it.”

I mean it, this feels really good, is this 100% cotton?

Yeah, okay, but after that we’re playing some pool.

This is the men’s room!… Isn’t it?

I’m quite the woodsman.

Neat. I’m gonna die alone.

Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?

Oh, yeah, I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last… twelve hundred times.

Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent?

What stupid thing did you do?

When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

I’ll make something up. I’m good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.

I didn’t know it was a secret!

Hey! Pipe down! What is the matter with you people?!

Is there anyone in this building who hasn’t tried to hit on you?

They’re so uncomfortable, its like getting kicked in the nuts, for your feet.

Look, they’ve got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!

Well, that’s the best kiss I’ve had with anyone I’ve ever met in a men’s room.

On second thought, gum would be perfection.

Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people.

Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.

I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

They were just giving those away at the store… in exchange for money.

Bagels and donuts: Round food, for every mood.

I tend to keep talking ‘til somebody stops me.

I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five! A pack. Two pack - A carton.Three big fat cartons in two days!

All right, this isn’t so bad. I like the flowery smell.

I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day.

Hi, I’m ____ and I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!

We love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That’s just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount… as allowed by law.

I feel violated. And not in a good way.

#* COME AT ME BRO. ( prompt. )#hello support my boyfriend and send him some memes AWHDOIWAHDIOH #LET HIM ADOPT U TBH