Quotes From The Tabletop

Funny quotes from your TableTop RP games

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The time our Paladin fought a castle

So I was DM’ing a game for my friends and a rift had opened up in the roof of a cavern the dwarven city that the party was residing in was sealed away. The said rift also opened up right at a densely populated area, which rained down a townfull of houses and a whole castle, which was heading straight for the party. Naturally,our rogue changeling ran away riding our dwarven barbarian, but our Half-Orc Paladin thought that it was a great idea to attempt to 1v1 the castle. naturally, he failed the strength throw with a less than 20 score, and was crushed, to the great amusement of the rest of our party.

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"Can I use my keen senses to stealthily examine the pork pie?"

When your scout is suspicious of the food… but doesn’t want the NPCs to realise…

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"That's better than mage hand, that's real hand!"

She wasn’t having the best of days, and then it got worse.

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Jalapeño: "As soon as you come inside me everything burns up" Group: *dies of laughter*

The NPC Jalapeño reporter (he’s jalapeño business) said this after being asked where they kept their own when not using it. We had a small break for laughter.

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I don’t care how sexy his goatee is. You can’t trust him.

The Prince is a shady individual.

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Horror RP at Its Finest

Playing Vampire the Requiem with my group and this session we did some character bonding while the DM and her GF finished putting together some stuff for the campaign. You know, icons, maps, that sorta thing. Anyways, my character sucks at chess, as we established in the first session. But she’s from Chicago area. So the rest of the session has just been my extremely flirtatious and violent vampire teaching the others, calmly, how to play Euchre. And going on angry rants about how much she hates the Midwest. But hey, at least our 200 year-old 12 year-old master is having fun 😀

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"I am looking for hot pudding."

So, this is the setup. Our DM spends a good 10 minutes describing a troll who is 9ft tall, made almost completely of cyberware, glass teeth, blood spurting everywhere, crushing everything in his wake. This is what our face says when we meet him, in a german accent. I have never heard out DM be shocked into silence before.

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DM : Do you not have a ranged weapon? Player: My Dex is not great, I sold it for whiskey

We all make sacrifices

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Hyper Dense Adventurers

Playing dungeons and dragons. the party just killed a large mechanical monster that compacts down into a hyper dense orb upon death. the party cleric tries to move it, rolls a 1, gets a hand stuck under the orb. The fighter laughs at her, tries to help, ALSO rolls a 1. Now half the party has their hands stuck under the ball. FFS

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"You did -WHAT-?" "I set fire to the Inquisitor" "Is she all right?" "I'd say medium rare?"

Multi Melta Cookery

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"Ignore the demon in the room, put back the tea set"

our rogue just stole a tea set from a rich quest giver after failing a stealth roll

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"You proceed to tie the child up and hoist him back into the tree"

Christmas mishaps

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"I play cards with the horse" "The horse eats your cards" "Fuck, I try to get them back" "Your wizard turned the horse invisible remember? Your cards just start disappearing" "Fuck"

While the rest of the party is somewhere else

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"As you turn to wave to the Kobold, while walking away, you spot it squatting over the charred carcass of the bandit and laying eggs into his chest cavity - where it had eaten away at it"

The GM on the friendliness of Kobolds.

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"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" - Lord to random goat our party found.

The “lord” in our party is upset because no one recognises him.

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"Nobody's going to rez you"

DM: *Points to Dragonborn* Everybody is racist to you. *Points to Tiefling* Everybody is racist to you. *Points to Gnome* everybody is racist to you*. *Points to Elf Rouge* You climb up trees. *Points to Elf Druid* and you fuck animals. Nobody in this country is going to rez you.

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"Don't eat that Mister Kenway, it's fairy cheese."

In the land of fairy