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ant/qwerty • 20s • they/he

[qwerty-operating-system]

call us ant or qwerty

we're a DID system of √n² (read: I Don't Know)

no syscourse. I don't care 👍

we mainly use this blog to talk about anything personal related to trauma, mental heath, and being a system

we're currently in therapy and sometimes bring our therapy work up in posts, tagged as #therapy.exe. so if you don't want to see that stuff, blacklist that tag 👍

we try to appropriately tag for triggers, but some things are more likely to miss getting tagged. namely suicide/suicidal ideation, as that's just so common and prevalent with us we often forget it's something that can generally be triggering lol. so if that's a major trigger for you, i just wouldn't follow

[qwerty-operating-system]

im ever so slowly gaining more awareness of switches and. man i think we switch like... a Lot. like at least several times a day. and it'd probably be even more if we had much of a life. because it definitely happens a lot more when we actually have business to do outside our norm.

im really only now just realizing that those weird "reverse deja vu" moments i have where im suddenly alert and aware of the fact that i exist and im doing whatever i'm doing at that moment... is probably a switch occurring lmao. like i just didn't put two and two together for some reason...

[qwerty-operating-system]

i feel like a lot of difficult and/or awkward scenarios with certain kinds of people (mostly professionals, whether health-related or something else) could potentially be resolved if i could just be open about my DID. like yeah sorry the reason i'm fumbling trying to think of how to answer your question is because. i don't fucking know or remember enough to answer it. sorry. i'm not the same person who experienced what you're asking about, so honestly your guess is as good as mine

but i can't say that so people just think i'm either stupid, immature, lying, or all three

[darumakarei]

Identity

[qwerty-operating-system]

whaaaat is going onnnnn. why am i having allergy symptoms. i have never dealt with allergies before. i swear to fucking god if im like some new part that split due to all the bullshit we've been dealing with for the past few months. and im the only bitch with allergies. i will ki. i will be on the news

[plural-questions-daily]

Daily Plural Question:

Is your system co-front or co-conscious heavy? How does that affect your systems functionality?

[qwerty-operating-system]

i don't think so. it probably hinders our ability to function in a day-to-day practical way, but being so disconnected from one another probably helps us not lose our shit and become overwhelmed with everything, so it's a trade off i guess. helps us survive, but does not help us function.

definitely makes therapy very difficult and frustrating lmao.

[qwerty-operating-system]

I am once again hating somatic shit

[qwerty-operating-system]

me frolicking in a beautiful field with my vocaloid comfort songs, gomenne gomenne by kikuo, monopoisoner by deco*27, suji by maretu, and now covetous by ghost and pals.

[qwerty-operating-system]

oof. a lot's happened since I last posted. well sorta. a lot for Me at least.

dealt with feeling like Shit nonstop for almost 2 months (most likely as a result of not eating enough which I've had to work really hard at compensating for)

dealt with a big flare up of stomach and digestive issues as a result

a traumaversary

got a tooth infection

got two emergency tooth extractions as a result

therapist had to go on a sudden medical leave until ~February

the general stress of the holidays

another traumaversary

and now just as I've gotten mostly over the feeling like shit part and the extraction recovery, I've gotten sick with a stupid cold lmao

and I've been so completely out of it. but it's odd because before my therapist had to go on leave I remember him making some kind of comment about how it seems like I've been getting better at being aware of things. when I've felt like I've never been more consistently out of it for so long since I started seeing him. odd. very odd.

we may have also split a part because of all this, but I don't really know for sure. if the part is new and does exist, I haven't seen or felt him around for a few weeks. it's also possible he was just an existing part as he has similar vibes to another part. but again, I have no clue.

[qwerty-operating-system]

and now that I've finally gotten over my cold, I have oral surgery tomorrow morning! yippee!!!!!

[qwerty-operating-system]

oof. a lot's happened since I last posted. well sorta. a lot for Me at least.

dealt with feeling like Shit nonstop for almost 2 months (most likely as a result of not eating enough which I've had to work really hard at compensating for)

dealt with a big flare up of stomach and digestive issues as a result

a traumaversary

got a tooth infection

got two emergency tooth extractions as a result

therapist had to go on a sudden medical leave until ~February

the general stress of the holidays

another traumaversary

and now just as I've gotten mostly over the feeling like shit part and the extraction recovery, I've gotten sick with a stupid cold lmao

and I've been so completely out of it. but it's odd because before my therapist had to go on leave I remember him making some kind of comment about how it seems like I've been getting better at being aware of things. when I've felt like I've never been more consistently out of it for so long since I started seeing him. odd. very odd.

we may have also split a part because of all this, but I don't really know for sure. if the part is new and does exist, I haven't seen or felt him around for a few weeks. it's also possible he was just an existing part as he has similar vibes to another part. but again, I have no clue.

[qwerty-operating-system]

therapist brought up something called "brainspotting" today. we tried it to process that memory mentioned last post because why not.

not sure about it? idk. didn't leave me feeling very satisfied. feel like I just spent 30 minutes staring at a stick and that's it lol. feel kinda. eh. sad maybe. for some reason this is triggering Neglect Feelings. idk why.

he said my brain could continue Processing for the next 24-48 hours, so I guess I'll just wait and see how I feel then.

[qwerty-operating-system]

past the 48-hour mark and hm. idk. i don't really feel any different about the memory. am i Supposed to feel anything?? who knows.

[qwerty-operating-system]

i dont like "brainspotting". or at least the way we did it. i dont like it. i wanna say it out loud even if its scary. because if i dont then its like its not real. and i need to know its real. no one knows it except me so if i dont say it out loud for someone else to hear it, it stays with me and doesnt exist outside of me. but im afraid im just being silly... idk...

idk how to bring this up to my therapist. i feel like im getting floaty... eugh...

[qwerty-operating-system]

here again... why am i here again... i just make it harder for us to do anything... because im useless and stuck and cant focus on anything but myself.

i dont wanna be here... which seems like im contradicting myself because last time i was talking about not wanting to leave right? but i dont think i am? somethings different this time, i just dont know what. but somethings different. and i dont wanna be here. im stuck.

do all i do is complain? probably. how do i stop? i dont know. i dont wanna be here.

[qwerty-operating-system]

i feel so... idk. small. lonely. alone. isolated. difficult. idk. sad. very sad. but not in the way ✂️ feels sadness (hes not really sad anyway. hes depressed. its definitely different). idk i feel abandoned i guess.

i think theres another part trying to gain control and kick me out but weirdly i dont wanna leave. i wanna stay here and let myself feel these things... even if theyre very unpleasant. like... if i get kicked out with a switch... that feels like im being abandoned. if that makes sense. im just getting told to shut up and stop wallowing. like everyones told me in the past. i dont wanna wallow and i dont wanna be the reason we cant function but... idk what else i can do. i just wanna feel things. maybe itll help us if im allowed to feel our feelings... but idk.

i feel the need to apologize. even though maybe im choosing to be difficult. idk. i cant help it even though i guess i can. im sorry. i feel like i wanna cry but i cant. sorry.

[plural-questioning]

question 219: do you write? if so, do you ever write about plurality, or about your collective?

[qwerty-operating-system]

sometimes I worry about the fact that while certain parts are obviously very connected to A Trauma.. those parts also, to my knowledge, don't even have much memory of The Trauma they're associated with. it's like they're a part who holds the emotions of it, but not the memories. then the memories are probably being held by parts we don't know of yet.

I just worry because it makes me feel fake when my therapist like suggests I try to communicate with parts to get more of an idea of what they're experiencing. and the only answers I get (if I even get one at all lmao) are "I Don't Know Either!!!". I think I've maybe gotten answers from these Hidden Parts, but all they could say was basically "We Can't Tell You". which is totally not ominous or anxiety inducing lol.

it's like. I know this is probably a pretty common thing in systems. but like. :(... still makes me feel like a fake and a liar when I can't do what I'm supposedly supposed to do.

[qwerty-operating-system]

switches are wild because youre super depressed and youre like. This is it. This is my life now. This has always been my life. I see nothing else. and then you notice youre starting to dissociate and your head hurts and youre like uhg what now. and then suddenly youre not depressed anymore and dont know why you were being so dramatic.

[qwerty-operating-system]

anyone else in this thread feel like life is. fucking hopeless. I'm aware I probably only think this because I'm still stuck in a shitty environment with currently no way out. but like. I try to think of the future, a hypothetical future in which I'm Free, and. I still feel like it's just... not worth it.

everyone talks about how they're just hanging on week-by-week, tired and stressed and burnt out, and I'm like... is that what I have waiting for me out there. because if so. no thanks. that's already my reality and been my reality for 10+ years. I think I'll just kill myself thanks 👍

I know I sound like a child, but like. hey what if I don't want to be in constant fucking pain 24/7. what then. what do I do. is it so bad to wish for that. is it unrealistic? (of course it is)

if a realistic life for me is one where I'm just barely getting by each week. then I don't fucking want it lol