What truly made you think you’re above everyone else, cause I don’t think it was powers. You once saw yourself equal with your wife. In order to love someone you acknowledge you’re on the same level. You loved your wife. That’s obvious to anyone, so what made you change? Was the greed to rule truly greater than any ounce of romance and happiness harbored in your relationship? It’s obvious it outweighed your love for your son, as horrific as that may be, but the way you speak about your wife is far different than anyone you’ve spoken about before. I guess what I’m asking is…was it worth it?
As I grew into adulthood it was always evident to me that I was different. I took that knowledge and twisted it to the difference meaning I was above, I was better. Throughout my life this notion effected every decision I made, it led me to navigate through things with the idea that people needed to understand my reality. I was hardly human, so I treated the rest of the world like they were beneath me and accepted the idea that one day I would make them understand.
Then I met my ex-wife. We were in college together, both business majors in our own respects, and she was simply brilliant. She was a kind woman, exceedingly intelligent, and knew how to humble whomever she needed. I respected her after a few encounters, which was not something I was accustomed too. She was still second to me, that idea never changed, but she was as closest to an equal that I had ever experienced. She had no powers, she wasn't unique by any regard, and yet she remained with my attention. She comprehended by obvious narcissism in a way no one ever had. She was the only thing that reminded me, by a sliver of a chance, that I was human. She pointed out my flaws, catered to my development, and she pushed me to be better. The issue was that I was so far separated from the idea of my own humanity that it never made any genuine impact. I knew I was superior, but the difference with her was that I had the intention of bringing her with me. I acknowledged our different views, and to ensure she'd fit in my perfect world I pushed her away from what I had begun to create. My neglect began out of shame, that's what my psyche has told me these days. The attempt was to shield her from things, knowing she didn't agree, to then one day rope her back in when the dirty work was completed.
She always knew what I was doing. She always advised against my actions and through night-long fights, screaming matches until her voice grew hoarse, and the resulting pitiful attempts at begging for me to understand, it eventually wore her down. I wore her down by never being. Never being there, never being sympathetic, never being human. I had assumed I wasn't of the same species because of my god-like abilities, but that couldn't be farther from the truth at the beginning- I had then created the reality in which I was separated, I had damned myself. I had made my believed reality everyone else's. Just not in the way I had hoped. So, she gave up.
After she left, her memory never did. The conviction to have her beside me once I succeeded never fleeted, despite its completely unrealistic circumstances. My desire to control, it bled into every piece of my life, and it did inevitably outweigh my devotion to her. I couldn't 'belittle' myself to be what she needed. She did what I now would've told her to do if she ever tried to stay any longer. She did was I deserved, what she deserved, what was right. She protected herself; she gave up on me. She made the right choice.
As for Sho, he was different. I have always had pride for that child. He was going to stay beside me whether he chose to our not, and that was the stark contrast between how I treated him versus his mother. I inflicted what I did upon him in the desire to teach him what I thought he ought to be taught. It wasn't correct, and it sure as hell was not justified, but the intention I had with him is not something easily explained. I cared for my son, and I still do. I have come to learn that the care I have, however, doesn't mean I get to destroy who he is to fit what I want. I cannot create the perfect child; I just must see his imperfections as such. I must act unconditionally. I must be the father he needs; he has no expectations to do the same for me. He gets to be who he is, there is no changing required or expected of him. I, on the other hand, must.
I wish my ex-wife well. I hope to never speak to her again because I want her to have peace without me. I do not deserve the closure of her forgiveness, and I pray to all I don't believe in that I never receive it. I want her to live on as she is, content and satisfied in every choice she makes. I want my son to live the same. So, to answer your question, no. Nothing was worth it. No amount of reassurance could ever make me believe that.
I am satisfied that they are perfect as they are without me, and I carry on caring for them just as I always have- just in a much more... human way.
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