things i won't post on instagram
I realized something after the new years celebrations ended, and I did my yearly calendar review. I realized something painful. Something telling. From March to November I did not fill out, check off, mark in any single way, my calendar.
It was as if during that period of time I did not exist within the world. I sat somewhere else beyond. It was not all bad, it was not all good. It was, as my calendar shows, nothing.
And I do not want this year to be nothing.
Last year in March, someone I thought I would be best friends with for the rest of my life, exited my life. Following them, were a handful of other people who I thought my children would someday call Aunts. Through a combination of my own, and their own, mistakes, we will never see each other again. Maybe it is better this way, but I grieve and mourn for them all as if the world has lost them, and not just me.
Throughout the following months, I tried to fix this grief. I felt it was a problem to be solved; a knot to undo. I wanted to escape the consuming pain in any way possible. I wanted to stop missing.
But missing is a privilege. It is a sign I loved and was loved. It is a testament to the bond that existed, and to run from that, to attempt to deny that? It was an act of desperation, but would stand as disrepect to the relationships that did exist. I loved these people, and I still do love these people. This is no longer something I wish to deny or erase.
I also went through a time during this were I was so deeply drowning in this hurt that I made myself a kicked puppy, and my past, a boot. There is a place beyond victim and villain, and it must be found. I was lost between these two lenses for some time. I think I have been for far longer than I knew.
One of the hardest things to realize is that you have been wrong.
The second hardest thing is putting this realization to action. Apologizing.
And I don't know if I really meant it at the time, but it started a conversation. Someone who I had been villainizing in my life for years. I had been obsessing over pain they caused me for so long that I had been scratching open the wound myself, without them being there at all.
I sent an apology expecting nothing back. I was wrong.
We spoke. Some of my friends were shocked. They expected me to come back with vitriol and poison to share, and I had nothing. I love this person, and I buried it under resentment and anger for so long. These things don't offer peace. Love, offers me peace.
I missed my friend. He missed me too. No longer do we have to miss each other.
The most difficult part of this year has been letting go of a future I had wanted so bad. People I thought would be at my wedding, one who I thought would have a key role. People who I thought, even after the fall out, I would always know. Who would always know me. A degree I thought I would get. A career I looked forward to. A whole state that I thought would someday be home. I wanted these things, so badly. And giving them up felt impossible.
But these things are already gone. And mourning them in place is only making me bleed out alone. It's up to me to make these decisions. To let go, to accept a future that is different than what I thought it would be. And I want this year to be different. So it will.
I'm majoring in mathematics! A very good friend I made this year shook me out of my delusions of an inferiority complex around math, and now I couldn't be more excited.
The aforementioned friend? I took a train to see and stayed at their apartment! Something very scary and something I almost didn't do. out of that fear. And instead, had a lovely time! I love train rides, and I love hanging out with this person. 10/10, I recommend.
I go to college somewhere new. This was truly a recent decision, the aforementioned "letting go" is a very difficult and arduous task. It is something you do over, and over, and over again. It is no less painful each time. But that is okay, and it is okay, each and every time.
I was in a very dark place much of last year, and the months prior to that year as well. It's difficult to think about myself during those times, let alone those who supported me during those different periods. I relapsed later last year. This is something I feel a lot of shame about. I'm trying not to.
But, I can say I'm doing much better. I made necessary changes in my life. I've learned more about myself. It's scary to see yourself changing and becoming a new person. But things needed to be different. So I made them different.
I think that's probably what I think is my biggest motivation going into 2026. Sometimes you have to let go. Sometimes things need to be different. And you need to make them different. You have to want to get better. You have to make the changes. It is up to you.
I don't want to review 2026 in the next year and find a bunch of empty months. I don't want to spend my time floating between victim and villain complex. I don't want this year to be nothing.
I don't want to be nothing.
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