Dancing in the Kitchen

A mothers story. The life and loss of my 25 year old son Keith Wisecup to Covid-19. My deepest condolences go out to ALL the families out there who have suffered loss from this horrible virus.

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A year ago, I stumbled upon several Covid Memorials on Facebook, which inspired me to honor Keith by adding his name. The moment I saw his picture displayed, my heart lifted, and I felt a sense of connection, as if his life was still recognized by the world. Motivated by this experience, I began collecting names from family members from all over the world. I have created a traveling memorial in the state of Ohio. The overwhelming love and support from these families has been truly heartwarming. In keeping Keith's memory alive, I also feel a sense of purpose in commemorating others. To date, we have over 550 names in the Covid Legacy Memorial, and we have officially become a nonprofit organization, with three more events planned for 2025.

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https://www.facebook.com/share/p/WBehcn7qVdiGDU16/

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I've been in the start up process for a public traveling covid memorial.

I'm a few months in and it's coming together slow and steady.

I went into this knowing it would be a lengthy process and both challenging and intimidating. Love pushes me through though.

Today I reached out to someone who has already traveled this journey of grief and started COVID-19 Memorial Rami's Heart in honor of her brother.

She has helped guide me through the process and has been an inspiration into my journey to honor not only Keith but all victims of Covid

I'm eager to share my process in hopes to inspire others to do the same.

Covid Legacy Memorial.

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https://whowelost.org/read-their-stories/

I have 3 stories honoring Keith on the Who we lost website.

When I need to pour my heart out I let it flow and I submit my writings to this website. Families who lost loved ones have poured our heart into our writing honoring those we lost to covid.

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It's early in the morning. My body still aches from the previous day. As I'm going about my daily work I come across a respiratory nurse. I don't recall her being here before, I haven't noticed her in the hospital but to be honest in the hustle and bustle of the days I don't always look at faces. For some reason all my intuition tells me to talk to her. I fight it but eventually I work up the courage to ask her some questions about ventilators and told her about my son Keith..

She asked me how old he was and what his name is.

I tell her and to my surprise she tells me that she took care of my son when he was in the hospital with covid. She tears up as we flow through the conversation that honestly took my breath away.

I say “ did I do the right thing?”” I just need to know that I did because Mom guilt is hard. I always wonder if I did everything he needed or if we made the right choices”

She set my heart at ease and told me I did.

She remembered details about his care that solidified that she indeed did remember him. “ He always did everything I asked him to. things just got really hard. He struggled with being proned and ended up on the bipap all the time."

It wasn't Keith's fault. It wasn't my fault.

She told me that a respiratory nurse on 3rd shift Cody really adored Keith. He took it hard when Keith passed.

Thank you for remembering my boy.

Thank you for hugging me.

Thank you for doing the best you could to save his life.

Sometimes we need the reassurance. We need to know our people are remembered. We need to know we made the right choices.

My momma heart really needed to know.

I miss him. Boy do I miss him terribly.

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“Do not judge the Grieving Mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” 🥲

~ Author Unknown

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I didnt write this but if i did.... These words are perfect...

People have asked me what's it like to live life with a deceased child because they "just can't fathom"... Well let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood.

It's being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It's like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate and regret.

It's like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it's a freaking nightmare. A life long freaking nightmare.

It's like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It's like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don't know what to say to you ... at all, about anything...

It's standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can't see yourself burning the food.

Some days its falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don't stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It's a a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if youre strong enough or not to survive this.

It's like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like youre just a placement for convenience in this world and in people's lives.

Honestly. It's like knowing that your going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long lost friend.

It's like this picture below of you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.

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It was 2 years ago yesterday that I met Keith and Cheryl at the hospital.

I remember parking across the street and as I walked up to the ER I saw him and Cheryl get out of her vehicle.

Keith looked a little panicked. His plaid button up shirt was misaligned. We walked into the ER and I got him a mask to wear. I started to give his information and Keith went to say his birthdate and he was struggling to breathe. He held his mask out in front of his face and he looked a bit scared.

We sat down in the waiting area. I remember moving my chair next to his to try and protect the elderly couple that had sat on the other side.

I was hoping it wasn't covid. Someone called "Kevin" and then I realized they meant Keith. He went back to a room where I stood there talking to him.

I noticed the machines beeping really loud and alarms going off. I looked at his oxygen level and he was 67. The nurse said she was certain that he was COVID positive. They then asked if we lived in the same house and I said no

They made me leave. I was terrified to leave him. I was so scared but didn't want him to know

I walked out to the nurse station and explained that Keith has Asperger's and that he may get anxious.

I wanted to cry. How could I leave him?

They reassured me that he was in good hands. The nurse's son has autism so she was very patient and understanding with Keith

I called a little bit after I got home. The male nurse told me that his best friend has Asperger's. These things helped put my mind at ease.

He stayed in the ER till morning in what they called a boarder room. They were waiting for a room in the ICU.

He was then admitted into ICU exactly 2 years ago today.

Keith texted me that he needed a charger for his phone. I went to Walgreens and picked him up a new one

I dropped them off at the front desk at the ER thinking I couldn't go up and see him in the ICU. The next day Keith texted and asked for some boxer shorts and pants so I went to the dollar store and bought him what he needed

This time I was told I could go up and see him.

I was so happy. I got lost trying to find the ICU and some nurses pointed me in the right direction. I walked in confused at the set up but pushed a button to be let in

I was told to wash my hands and they gave me a n95 mask. I had to put this yellow gown on and gloves. I was taught how to properly take off PPE as wel.

Seeing him, talking to him made me feel better. He told me he would probably be there 5-7 days, possibly longer.

He had a high flow cannula for oxygen. He explained how hard doing the simplest of things were. Just getting up to go to the bathroom in his room took all of his energy. He struggled to breathe and would do the thing he always did when he got anxious.. He batted his eyes super fast. He would literally shake trying to regain his composure. He said " COVID is real mom, a 8 year old is stronger than me"

I felt like he was struggling but at that time I was completely unaware of what COVID was doing, completely unaware of what was to come ....

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Keith's garden is getting more color.

I sealed and glossed the large rocks that Emma's boyfriend Blake and I painted. Emma still has a few things she needs to add to hers before It's done.

I blow the leaves out of the garden every weekend. Squirrels are also leaving lots of extra stuff for me to clean out lol

Definitely added more color to the garden which is great because those that knew Keith I'm sure remember him as being a very colorful person. He had a huge personality.

Recently I had the opportunity to thank one of the ICU nurses that took care of Keith.

I saw her and said "I want to thank you" immediately she got up and said " you're Keith's mom" and gave me a big hug.

I can't express how much this touched my heart that he was not forgotten. Nurses see so many patients and she didn't forget my boy.

If you are a nurse Thank you for what you do.

We are coming up on the time of year where we are nearing the 2-year mark of Keith's illness and his month-long struggle with COVID.

I know it'll be hard to relive those memories again and again.

I have to keep my focus like I did last year and use Keith's kindness cards to spread love and kindness.

I miss Keith so much. How is it been almost 2 years?

I was so so lucky to be his mom.

I have to remember the beautiful memories and try not to dwell on the last month of his life. This is a challenge sometimes.

Please hug your kids, tell them you love them, spend time with them, remind them that you're always there for them.

I miss even the ornery moments with Keith,the exhausting moments and of course the fun and silly moments.

I have loved putting this garden together to honor my boy.

If you see me out and about and want to mention Keith....Please do. I don't want him to ever be forgotten..it makes my heart happy to talk about his LIFE.

I've always felt that losing my son changed me as a person.

After 2 years I've been able to get better control over my anxieties and depression and I've learned to love myself just the way I am.

The most important thing in the world is my family.

I miss you Keith. I miss you so much.

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2 years ago this was our conversation.

Looking back on it now I realize I never worded things like that before " hey if you're alive"

I kept reaching out to Keith. I knew something was wrong.

2 days after he replied is when he was hospitalized.

We both had no idea that covid was tearing through him.

This next month I'll be reliving each day again through my Facebook memories. I don't regret documenting it all because I feel sharing his story truly helped others but it'll be a hard month.

As much as I know I'll be pushing through it please also know that I will honor my feelings as well. I expect to cry. I'm okay with that. It's better than bottling it all up.

I miss this kid of mine so much.

I can hear his laughter in my head, I can visualize his walk that was always 10000 times faster than everyone else around him. I can see him dancing and singing without a care in the world.

I can feel those hugs I always got after we went out to eat.

I'll cling to these things as much as possible. I'll cling to the beautiful memories.

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