Umbrella Academy

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: You know, in another life, Hazel and Cha Cha could have been very successful

Diego: You wanna explain that?

Klaus: They could’ve run a great razor business

Five: Klaus, what the hell are you talking about?

Klaus: I just think “Cha Cha real smooth” would’ve been a great slogan

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*The kids giving Grace her Mother’s Day card*

Diego: Happy m-m-m-mo-moth

Allison: *elbowing Klaus* Help him out

Klaus: Hm? Oh, right

Klaus: *stepping in front of Diego*

Klaus: Happy Moth Day, Mom

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*Police at the door*

Allison: Hello officers, how can I help you?

Officer: We’re looking for a Mr. Hargreeves

Allison: Is everything okay?

Officer: No actually Mr. Hargreeves broke the law. Is he here?

Allison: Uh which Mr. Hargreeves?

Officer: *impatiently* the one who recently committed a crime

Allison: *looking over shoulder to see Five, Diego, and Klaus sprinting out the back door*

Allison: I’m gonna need you to be more specific

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*Stove beeps*

Klaus: *hurtling over the back of the couch* MY NUGGETS ARE DONE

Klaus: *From the kitchen* No. No. Oh God, no.

Diego: What?

Klaus: Where are the oven mitts?!

Diego: Uh I don’t know I-

Klaus: DIEGO MY NUGGETS ARE BURNING

Diego: Well did you look-

Klaus: IT’S TOO LATE! WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Diego: Don’t be an idiot

Klaus: Don’t worry, my hands can take it

Diego: Wait your hands can-Klaus what are you-

Klaus: *screaming in the distance*

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

Five: I love Hemingway

Klaus: Whomst?

Five: Ernest Hemingway? The guy who said that?

Klaus:...

Klaus: My name’s Klaus

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*Young Diego trying to teach Klaus how to throw knives*

Diego: Go ahead and throw it right next to my head, it won’t hit me.

Klaus: *throws knife, knicking Diego’s head*

Diego: *head bleeding but otherwise perfectly fine* Ahh! Klaus you killed me!

Klaus: No I didn’t!

Diego: Really? What’s your power Klaus? That’s right, talking to DEAD PEOPLE

Klaus:...

Klaus: *Crying* MOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! I killed Diego!

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Luther: Klaus why are you wearing glasses?

Klaus: Well I’m trying to SEE why you think it’s okay to date our sister

Luther:

Klaus: *dramatically flinging the glasses off* I think I need a stronger prescription here Monkey Boy

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Luther: Thank God we aren’t related by blood because I don’t want whatever filthy genes you have!

Klaus: *looking down, confused* This is a skirt

Luther:

Klaus: And a clean one, I might add

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*Young Diego and Grace hugging*

*Battery falls out of Grace*

Diego: Oh hey mom you lost-

Grace: What was that honey?

Diego: *shoving the battery in his pocket*

Diego: Huh? Oh, nevermind

*Grace walks away*

Diego: KLAUS COME HERE A SEC!

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: Diego, there you are. You speak Spanish, right?

Diego: Yeah...why?

Klaus: Splendid! It’s Shakira night at the karaoke bar and Ben and I are sick of coming in second

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego: I’ll get my keys

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: My favorite movie is Up

Diego: *being sincere* because you lost the love of your life and everyone judges you?

Klaus: *tearing up* Well I was gonna say because I’m high as a kite, but damn man

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Allison: Klaus, will you please shut up?

Klaus: I’m not even talking to you, I’m talking to Ben!

Allison: I heard a rumor-

Klaus: *flipping his boa over his shoulder* I heard a rumor you’re a fashion disaster and would you look at that, it’s true!

[rad-umbrella-acad]

*Diego and Klaus going undercover*

Diego: Okay they can’t know about our powers, so don’t mention the name Hargreeves, alright?

Klaus: Got it, I’ll come up with a Spanish last name for you

Diego: Klaus no-

Klaus: *already shaking the target’s hand* Hi I’m Klaus, and this is my brother Diego Despacito

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: *Holding a nine volt battery*

Klaus: So if I lick this, I’ll start puberty?

Diego: *starting to call him stupid but deciding he wants to see what happens*

Diego: St-st-stupendous idea Klaus

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Allison: So Klaus, why’d you want to have a family meeting?

Klaus: I’ve come up with endearing nicknames for all of you and I thought you should hear them

*Luther and Diego enter*

Klaus: Ah, Curious George and Crabby McStabby, thank you for joining us

[rad-umbrella-acad]

Klaus: Hey Diego, remember how you told me to go buy more drugs?

Diego: No, in fact I specifically said “Klaus you’re trying to get clean, no more drugs”

Klaus:

Diego: What’s in the bag Klaus?

Klaus:

Diego: Klaus, what’s in the bag?

Klaus: I think you already know