Journal entry 5 million years later
Wow. Itās been well over a year and a half since I posted anything super personal and probably close to two years since being active on here. It has been a rollercoaster. In November 2021, I accepted a job at a university in the state where my love lived. After my graduate assistantship ended in 2020, it took me a year and a half to find a full-time job because of Covid. I applied to nearly 100 jobs and only heard back from maybe 10% of those jobs. And then I had exactly 3 and a half weeks to move my entire life across the country and move into an apartment with my then long-distance girlfriend when I was offered a job at a mid-size university.
Sometimes my life still doesnāt feel real. Iāve been so happy to be with my Emily and our quirky little sweet cat, but navigating life as an adult in this clown world has been extremely hard. I still canāt believe I live in fucking North Dakota. Our first two winters here have been the most brutal I have ever experienced. Boy, I thought I had SAD when I lived on the east coast but it sure is worse here. We hate living in a red state, but at least we live in the biggest city that is the most progressive.
My job as an admission counselor has been rewarding, difficult, draining, fun, and now mixed with frustration and disappointment. Our education system is a complete dumpster fire. Our incoming students and current students are having mental health crises every fucking day. It tears me apart sometimes to think that I am promising students a future I canāt guarantee with how the world is right now and where itās going. In a week of traveling, I can drive over a thousand miles and spend over 30 hours in a car. There are high expectations and pressure to bring in first-year students because they are the true cash cows and thereās been a national decrease in enrollment across all institutions. The people I work with have been genuinely great people and are the best parts of the job sometimes. But the pay is absolute shit, and that coupled with rising greedflation and my outrageous private student loan debt feels like itās crushing me. I donāt know how much longer I can take.
I recently applied for another job within my office that pays 10k more, and I know deserve something insanely better, but it would have been a good transition point and actually allow me to save money to move, and to get an EdTech job that is remote. I was denied this new job, the other candidate had āyears of direct marketing experienceā where I didnāt, but I had almost 2 years of experience in my office. Iāve shown them consistently that I have strong project management skills and organization for handling all of the texting/calling campaigns we do for students which was another part of this new job. It was handling all of the communications for print/emails (project management) and the job description didnāt even place a strong emphasis on design or marketing. But thatās what they went for in the other candidate. A white man. He wore a fucking flannel to the interview. If he didnāt have an awesome portfolio to present and he doesnāt bring the āwowā factor to this job, Iām going to be even more pissed.
And you know what also makes me mad. Last year around this time, we were actively hiring for another admission counselor position, and I was on that search committee. We were down to two choices, someone with 14 years of experience, and another person who interviewed so strongly but only had previous tour guide experience in terms of higher ed experience. We asked our supervisor if we could choose the person with less experience and she said that she would support that. We offered the position to the person with less experience but they eventually declined because the salary was so low (which we did advertise the salary??). So for this position I wanted, why would they not elevate another person in their office who has worked so fucking hard and has gone above and beyond for this position, and knows this office and best practices. So why does years of direct of experience matter now?
I cried for like the whole day. People in my office were rooting for me to have this job. The woman who previously had this job, she came from my position before that and didnāt even have a masterās. I cried because I felt trapped in this job, mainly due to capitalism. I cried because I felt so betrayed and underestimated. My direct supervisor was the chair for the search committee, and I know she doesnāt want to lose me as a counselor. Our director told me that my supervisor āadoresā me, and that I consistently come up in their conversations about how I do great work and I get shit done. My director said she was excited that I applied and hoped they chose me, so I went into my final interview feeling very confident because she had already met the other two candidates before me.
When my supervisor called me to tell me the news (she was a at a conference), she started out saying that she appreciated me so much and that the other candidate would let them go in another direction that they didnāt even know they could go. I couldnāt speak. My voice cracked and I said thank you for letting me know and we ended the conversation. She followed up with a message on Microsoft Teams saying she appreciated me again and would like to help me build my skills to get me a job in EdTech, which is what I ultimately want. And I wonder if this response is because I low-key indicated to my director (because she flat out asked me) if I would leave if I didnāt get this job and I said yes. I donāt think my supervisor realizes how immediate I want (more like need) to leave.
I went home early crying after spending the entire week, waiting for the call, with extreme brain pain (psychophysiological disorder) symptoms and upset stomach to where I couldnāt eat because I was so stressed. Essentially, my nervous system thinks Iām in ādangerā when thinking about travel season so it sends me unpleasant physical symptoms, like nerve pain in my face and muscle aches and nausea to where it gets debilitating at times. And travel season is both Fall and Spring. This past spring, I had to drive on icy back roads to rural parts of ND where my phone service does not work at times and once my tire starting leaking because it had a screw in it. I had a lowkey panic attack because I didnāt know what to do and needed to go to small town (population of 207) to get it patched. I was raped on a back road in a car with a man I thought I could trust when I was 20 so being out in the middle of nowhere gives me so much fucking anxiety. Iām stressed at the thought of college fairs starting in less than 2 months.
Stressed because I canāt do this fucking job anymore. The thought of being in this job for another travel season, like 6 weeks or more on and off of traveling start mid-September through November. And whatās worse is that we get āreimbursedā for our meals that we are out on the road but because North Dakota is North Dakota, I only get reimbursed up to $35 dollars a day meanwhile my coworkers traveling within MN can get up to $70 per day. So, when I travel, I have to be as frugal as possible and still lose money because I only get $6.50 for breakfast (unless Iām at a hotel and they have breakfast), 10.50 for lunch, and 17.50 for dinner. It was fine when I first started out but because of greedflation, itās so much harder.
My student loan payments are like $700 dollars a month, and even though I have three fucking degrees, Iām stuck at an entry level pay despite having an MS degree. The pay across campus is abysmal. The pay for people with advance degrees is absolute shit. They advertised a mental health counselor position here which required a masterās or above and a license in counseling or social work for 43k. Like WHAT. That is what was offered to me when I started. I canāt save money long-term to get out of this fucking state, and we canāt even pay to go on a mini-vacation for a weekend trip. I had to tell my best friend from high school that I couldnāt go to her very fancy wedding on Cape Cod because thereās no way I can even save for myself. And I donāt think she will ever understand what its like to financially struggle and it feels like she lowkey resents me for it, and it makes me feel alone knowing she could never understand since both her and her husband come from a family with money. I worry she thinks I am just dumb as hell and not responsible with money but I canāt save for fucking anything.Ā
And my god, it could be so much worse. I know this, and am grateful for what we do have but it feels like we have very little to look forward to, and we pretty much can only spend what we need and not for things we want long-term. My family was exactly middle-class and moved into upper-middle class by the time I was in late high school, so itās brought me more perspective. We are what they call ānew poorā - we are one unexpected medical bill/car repair bill away from financial insecurity. I never had to worry about things like this before, I grew up blessed, and I know this. I try to give what I can when I can to my community and family and friends in need.
I tried to pick up a second job at really, really cool brewery but the shifts are so long (6-8 hours) and I sprained my knee on the job which led to my entire back seizing up two days before my birthday a few months ago. The worst birthday Iāve ever experienced. When my back spasmed, I couldnāt walk for three days. I cried the entire time almost. The first day it happened I screamed in pain with every little movement, like so much so Emily worried the cops would be called. Emily had to do everything for me ā help me shower, eat, go the bathroom and she cared for me so well. I am so blessed and lucky to have her. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had to go back to physical therapy and that was expensive also because health insurance is a fucking scam. It took me about a month to get to 60% okay.
I couldnāt work at the brewery for months and the money from there was so good because itās an insanely huge operation so now Iām back in the same position now, and donāt know if I can physically keep up with the work. They work their employees so hard, not in a bad way necessarily, itās just the nature of it because itās in the top 10 breweries on untapped or whatever. I donāt think I can physically handle more than one or two shifts a month, but Iām afraid to work a whole shift again.
My health is not great. My desk job already has me gaining weight paired with PCOS that feels like itās out of control, and my body hurts from sitting all day. My face is constantly breaking out from hormonal acne, Iām sure itās been from all the stress Iāve been under too, but also because everything in this fucking world is harmful to us in one way or another. Iām not at the highest weight Iāve ever been but close to 20 pounds extra since I moved here. Its just so hard to find time and energy to workout because I have so little of both. Especially when Iām traveling, and itās harder because the cheapest food when Iām out on the road is fast food so thereās not a lot of options to be healthy, especially in fucking ND. I think the only healthy/salad bowl kind of place is in the city we are in and the capital of ND and thatās it lol and its also more expensive. Driving for hours and hours is so exhausting. So. my mental health and self-image have been suffering from all of that too. Ā
But it feels like we are stuck in this city that is filled with terrible drivers and roads, and these brutal winters. The winters wouldnāt be so bad if the city actually maintained the roads better but every other week it feels like we are risking our lives to go to fucking work. Iāve had to drive through blizzards when Iāve never had any winter driving experience before. Iāve had an entire panic attack/mental breakdown on the interstate here that was completely iced over for 75 miles and I needed to get to the other side of the state for a fucking career fair for work. There were cars in ditches, and another fucking blizzard on the way after receiving well over a foot of snow in some parts of ND. If we werenāt visiting Emās parents in the same town, and if she didnāt take over and drive on the icy parts for me, we would have never made it. I would have been paralyzed in fear at a truck stop without her, and she really showed up for me that day.
Spring and Fall both lasted maybe 3 weeks before it was either hot or cold season which seems to be all that ND has. Spring used to be my favorite season, but here the flowers donāt bloom until late May and its just mud and rain. Its depressing as hell. At least the summers have been mild in comparison to the disgustingly humid summers MD/VA have. When we do get a few really humid/hot days everyone complains so much and its funny to me because thatās basically any day in the summer on the east coast. It wouldnāt be so bad if our apartment ac unit actually fucking cooled our apartment below 72 degrees on a consistent basis. When its extremely hot and humid here, our apartment has gone up to 79 degrees if we do any sort of cooking or baking. It takes days to cool down, even with extra fans.
The city we live in does have a cool community and lots awesome local businesses. Thatās been a saving grace. They do a lot of farmerās markets, vintage markets, community/mutual aid events. If the world ever completely collapsed (which I feel is inevitable), I would feel pretty safe here and secure knowing the community is full of genuine and resourceful people. Itās a very safe and cheap city to live in because nobody wants to live in these winters. But we have no real friends here. We have our work friends who are just that, and itās incredibly disappointing. We are both introverts but crave deeper connections with others, even if its only a few. One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn, and still learning, are that friends are like the seasons ā they come and go.
I miss my family. I miss those summer days where I would wake up late, and my brotherās family would come over to swim. The dogs would be playing, and my niece and nephew being silly. My dad would grill and my mom would make a bunch of sides and weād eat outside on the deck together. No plans except to go play a silly little video game by myself or with some people later that night after going for a walk or a run in my neighborhood in the woods. I miss sitting out in my driveway under the stars and trees with a good playlist, smoking a bowl, and reading about aliens. I miss my niece and nephew coming over every Tuesday and the house being so crazy with them but never a dull moment. I didnāt think I would miss that so much. My brothers can be assholes (my older brother more so), but it was nice when we were all getting along.
My relationship with my parents has gotten better as Iāve gotten older but they still canāt give me the emotional support that I need. Emilyās mom has been more emotionally supportive. My parents never ask me how Iām doing, just what Iām doing. I wish they would come visit me but I donāt think they ever will. They wouldnāt even fly me or Emily out for Christmas even though they have more than enough money to do so. Theyāve been going on 10-day vacations in Jamaica at fucking Sandals, and doing weekend trips all over the east coast. But seeing me is not enough of a reason to fly here.Ā
They keep telling me how much they miss me and want me to move back but then donāt do anything to help me do that. They said they would help us move if I got a job on the east coast but donāt care that Iām drowning in student debt. Ā They disappoint me still and it feels like I have to grieve my relationship with them of what I need versus what they give me. Itās been that way my entire life. I know that they will never apologize for the things that they did while growing up. Itās a sad thing to come to terms with.
Another thing I have had to come to terms with is my purpose in this world, I guess. When I was 18, I didnāt know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to help people in some capacity. When I was 21, I had this grandiose idea and plans for how I could do that and save the world. When I was 24, I wanted to be a recreational therapist and create a holistic community center. When I was 25, I had started a masterās degree in Higher Education because I wanted to be a graduate assistant to a unique womenās college program within my university, which I worked hard to desperately create a safe space for young women, but the university didnāt give an actual shit about it. I didnāt think I would end up in higher education but here I am.
This is not where I expected myself to be at all, but I really did enjoy working with my students. So, I stayed in it. I finished my degree. And now I feel āstuckā in an education system that is very much a fucking dumpster fire. Iām feeling burnt out, I guess. Itās wrecking my mental and physical health. My nervous system is on high alert all the time, I think. I feel like I can never get enough time to actually rest and recover.
Iāve also had to re-evaluate my āpurposeā. Iām an extremely spiritual person and have very much moved away from New Age completely but very interested in paganism or Mother Earth spirituality. I used to think that I had to have this grandiose purpose to change the world, but I recognize that the most important change comes from the self and extending that out to your community. Small acts of kindness can go a long way and encourage others to do the same, creating a chain reaction. But where exactly does that leave me?
Part of me wants to go to another university because of the āprestigeā around it, but every institution has its own problems and is still within Americaās education system that is a fucking shit show. Iām so concerned about how others see me sometimes, especially in professional sense. I felt like I was a late bloomer in all things because it took me 6 years to get my bachelorās, but I also had a complete thyroidectomy after struggling with severe symptoms from it, and then being raped 3 months after the surgery. I was academically suspended for a year after my surgery and SA because my GPA was so low. There are so many people from that period of time who wrote me off as a dumb stoner and had no idea I was abusing weed because of trauma. Even my ex-girlfriend and her friends just thought I was a dumb stoner.
So, I guess I feel the need to āproveā that I am more than what they assumed me to be. I thought that I needed to be so career-driven to change the world and I am starting to understand that having that mindset is not a healthy way to live and will lead to self-destruction and burnout. I never thought I would hate my current job as much as I do. And Iām realizing that I donāt necessarily hate the work, but rather the expectations and circumstances surrounding it. I could stick out this job longer if I was paid more but it feels like I am running out of time to find something different before travel season starts again.
Iāve essentially quiet quit at this point. I feel like I have to detach myself from everyone because it hurts that Iām going to have to leave some of the people in my office, and I would go to bat for them at any time. Iāll be doing just above the bare minimum, and will not be volunteering as often to do extra things any more. A coworker of mine just got placed into her dream job and Iām so excited for her, but her leaving also gives us more work to cover. Another reason why I need to leave. And if I can leave before travel season, I feel a little guilty leaving during an important peak time, but they put me in this position.Ā
I canāt do it. I wonāt if I donāt have to. And if September comes, and I am still searching for a job, I will do the college fairs with the goal of leaving before October. They could have given me the other position and I would have grown into it, and worked extremely hard to exceed their expectations and they could have arranged to have a new admission counselor in my position by the time college fair season started. But they made their choice. I need to make mine now.
But now I feel like I have to redefine what work means to me. Fuck the system. I can make my own path. I can change the world without a grandiose career. Its okay to just show up to work and then live your life. And so, I hope that my next job is in EdTech (and remote) that can give me financial freedom and security because thatās what it really all comes down to. I want a ālazy girlā job. A job that I feel good about and is not as emotionally/physically demanding so that I have the money to help others and do what I want. I just want to live a comfortable life, and one where I am not always worrying about money.
So, in order to get that, I think I need to release all of this. Itās been holding me back. I deserve a job that pays me well, and lets me live the life I want. A job that lets me help my friends and families, and give back to my community. I donāt have to bear the burden of being in a career that is glorified for how much you give and destroy yourself for it. I canāt imagine what k-12 teachers feel every day.
I think the next piece is letting go. Doing a trust fall for Mother Goddess to catch me and deliver me to my next opportunity. Trusting that the perfect job is on its way to me, and I wonāt miss out on something that is for me. I deserve a job that gives me a better work-life balance. That I donāt feel like I am killing myself to survive. I have the money to live how I want, and all of the time and energy I have for other things is abundant.
I get so caught up worrying about making the right or wrong choice, or missing out on a job posting. I get caught up thinking that Iām not quite enough ā I donāt have quite enough experience or direct experience or the right degrees. I get caught up with thinking about the cost of living in other states and what I canāt do or where we canāt move to. What if Iām meant to focus on the good, and all of the possibilities and different lives of Kylie. The possible exciting adventures in store for me.
Its reminiscent to how I felt when I couldnāt find a job after my graduate assistantship. I was stressing over every little thing. And then I finally just surrendered. Thatās what it felt like after my huge disappointment with Bryn Mawr College and they decided not to hire me but not long after that I was offered my current job. And how I felt after running into my ex at a grocery store and having a panic attack and obsessing over how Iām going to meet my love and what I do or donāt do that could lead me to missing that connection. I eventually had to acknowledge and say that I surrender to the wonderful mystery that is the Universe. About two weeks of recognizing my need to let go of control, I met my Emily.
The catalyst this time is not getting this position within my office. It was a devastating disappointment. Iām still trying to reconcile that. But it has also opened me up to the fact that I do deserve something insanely better - better pay, better benefits, better work-life balance. I know my worth. And while I feel betrayed that I wasnāt picked for this position, I donāt need to punish myself or the people in my office for it. I do still feel a hint of resentment towards my supervisor, but sheāll understand the choice she made when I get offered my next job.
At first, I wanted to sulk. I wanted to quiet quit as loudly as possible. But now I see that I need to cherish my time with everyone. I want them to miss having me. I want to leave the office on good terms. But I want people to know that they lost my loyalty as well. I want people to think that they wish I was still there because of all the light and humor I brought. So. I will not be jumping at every opportunity to volunteer extra time and energy towards things. I will not be half-assing this job completely, but I will not be going above and beyond as often anymore either.
I am still incredibly sad and frustrated at this disappointment, but I see it was necessary and its time for me to move on, as scary as it seems. I will miss these people so much. So now I need to let go. Trust fall. Mother Goddess, A-team, I trust that the perfect job will find its way to me and will bring about the most exciting and best chapters of my life. Thank you for this.
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