Ravennnnnn @raecadabra - Tumblr Blog

you should never forget to do nice things for yourself :)

safe place

I feel like Tumblr is the only place where I can candidly speak my mind without any judgment or criticism, and that’s essential for my mental health nowadays.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me because I prefer to be alone. I’ve noticed that I don’t like being around people. Human interaction isn’t a necessity for me. I thrive alone, especially when I solely focus on myself. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I’m empowered by it. Sometimes I feel like I hurt others, but I’ve carried myself through my darkest days so I’ve naturally become acquainted with isolation and solitude.

It’s not you. It’s me.

the perks of therapy

Therapy is a mind fuck. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered in my life. For about five months i’ve been going to a therapist and unpacking all the baggage i’ve been carrying around for 10+ years. It’s challenging. It’s tough. It’s fucking scary but it’s the best thing I could’ve done for myself. Mental health is essential to keeping your own sanity in check and a grip on your self concept. I’m learning that it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to let my feelings show despite the magnitude of its power. For years I’ve accepted things as is and neglected to acknowledge my feelings about the person or situation. I would just tell myself “it is what it is” and move forward. But, I wasn’t moving forward. I was just internalizing the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the disappointment, and any other emotion you can think of. Fast forward to today, every emotion I’ve ever buried is climbing itself way to the surface. It’s demanding to be heard, felt, and seen. It’s scary. It’s hard feeling pain. It’s hard feeling sadness. It’s hard allowing yourself to process and feel the hurt that someone else caused. It’s ok. People are shitty. People suck. But what sucks more is that the people who “love us” most hurt us the most. It’s the craziest thing ever. I don’t understand that concept but it’s a thing. I was sexually abused as a pre-teen. It literally ruined my teenage and early adult years. It ruled my life in every possible way. It ruled my life in such a negative way. To sweeten the deal, members of my own family continue to turn a blind eye to the situation and my rapist continues to receive love and support for “my family.” Please note I’m talking extended family like my grandparents, more importantly, my own grandmother. It’s sick right. But then again her son is the rapist. Either way, it’s sick to me that a person is too much of a coward to acknowledge the true nature of her son. It’s sad that she prefers to live in a state of denial rather than accepting the truth. For years I’ve lived in silence about the pain and hurt she inflicted due to her response and action to the situation. She did nothing. She did NOTHING. To me that’s a massive slap in the face. And she continues to do NOTHING. I used to be very fucking angry. I would be upset and live in a state of rage but now I have compassion because I’m not her. I’m living and speaking my truth. I’m acknowledging the pain i’ve buried for so long. Rome wasn’t built in a day and i’m still a work in progress but I finally feel like God is touching my heart in the best possible way. I made the decision to stop dealing with 97% of my family because they’re toxic. I don’t need them and they don’t need me. They were never there for me and to be quite honest they don’t really know me. The people I need have always been present and with me every step of the way. You know I’m totally happy with that. I do wish my family the best. I pray for them daily and pray one day that God truly opens their heart. I’m learning it’s better to live and speak your truth than cowardly turn a blind eye. It’s wild what I’ve walked away with from therapy and i’m truly proud of myself for doing this. When you break the chains binding you, there’s no fucking restrictions to what you can do. Never give anyone power over you. Never keep quiet. Always speak your truth and let out your feelings. Your feelings are never invalid and if people can’t handle your truth, fuck them. They weren’t meant to be in your life in the first place.

Acceptance.

I never thought I’d be in this position. I never thought I’d be the person to inflict this much pain on someone else. I hurt the love of my life because I wasn’t capable of self-control. I’ve always had impulse problems. I react then think. I lack the ability to stop myself from doing something I will end up regretting but this is all before my journey. But I will never forgive myself for what I did. I’m ashamed. I’m disgusted with myself and it’s hard to look in the mirror. For the first time in two years I’m disappointed with the person staring back at me. I worked so hard to change, to be proud of my reflection, and here I am - hopeless. I feel empty. I feel vacant. I can’t feel anything. My heart aches. Every limb feels limp and I would be lying if the thought of ending it all didn’t cross my mind. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you. You’re everything I prayed for and more. I’ve never invested my all into anyone like I have with you. It was never worth it. I felt cheap the moment it happened. Someone took advantage of a situation. Someone took advantage of me when I was weak, vulnerable, and not in the right state of mind. I’m not proud of my actions. It should’ve never happened but it did. I can’t go back in time and change the situation. I should’ve told you the truth but I was scared of losing you. It’s my biggest fear because I know I will never find a love like ours with anyone else. I just don’t want this situation to taint you. I don’t want my wrongdoings to hinder the changes you’ve made. I’m so proud of you for taking the brave steps of opening up, trying new things, and putting yourself out there. My love for you has always been pure, real, and genuine. I do believe you’re my soulmate. I believe God brought us together for a reason. I’m praying that we can push through this and repair the damage. I want to move forward with you. I want to fix it. I want to be with you. I know you hate me. You look at me and can’t see the woman you fell in love with. You just see what I did. I pray that you can see me again. I’ve always been here and it’s still me. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I have a lot of problems and i never thought i was worthy of love until I met you. You changed my outlook on everything. But through thick and thin, I will always love you. I will always want the best for you even if its not with me. You’re a gem. A blessing to this world.