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despairforme:

     None of this made ANY sense to Nnoitra. Of course he understood that wearing a cast would hurt - he probably would’ve found it painful too, if he had broken his arm or something, but that wasn’t the sort of HURT they were talking about, right? Nnoitra would much rather feel physical pain than this… Heaviness. Bruises were nothing compared to feeling so worthless. But, it was no surprise that Kazu didn’t understand that. He wasn’t worthless after all, so he wouldn’t know what that felt like.

     When Kazu said that it had hurt a lot to not be able to see him, Nnoitra didn’t believe him. If it had hurt, then why hadn’t he just come back? Kazu was an adult after all, and they could do whatever they wanted. Which meant that Kazu had wanted to be away from him. Exactly why he was lying to Nnoitra now, was anyone’s guess. Nnoitra knew he was pretty stupid, so it was no surprise that he wouldn’t understand what a grown-up was thinking. Nnoitra wondered - why had Kazu left? And why had he come back?

     The worst part though, was that Kazu said that it was ‘ okay ‘ to feel pain. That meant that he WANTED Nnoitra to feel hurt, right? Not only that, but he wanted to see him hurt. He wanted him to SHOW HIM how much it had hurt to be left all alone. Kazu was just like everyone else then. Nobody wanted what was best for him. Nobody even cared, and — Why would they? Nnoitra always came back to the same conclusion every time. There was a reason why people treated him this way. It was because he deserved it.  

     Well - FUCK THAT. He wasn’t going to get hurt just because people — Even Kazu - wanted to hurt him! He had to let it out eventually? Was that what Kazu wanted? He wanted to see him cry, maybe? Nnoitra pulled away from the hug now, and looked up at Kazu. Yeah, he probably looked hurt, which, he was. Hurt and disappointed. When they were finally together again, he had thought that Kazu would want to see him happy, but instead, he wanted to see him hurt. It was sad, and it almost made him want to cry. But he was strong, and he was NEVER going to cry! ❝ I ain’t gonna cry just ‘cause ya want me ‘ta! ❞ Oh, he hadn’t meant to raise his voice. Too late now. ❝ Ya can try ‘ta hurt me all ya want! Bring it on! I ain’t never gonna cry! I am strong ‘n I ain’t scared ‘a nothin’! ❞

Well that was actually close to what Kazu expected but boooy did it hurt to hear it, probably shouldn’t have pushed but he didn’t want Nnoitra bottling things up, he wanted Nnoitra to grow up properly, grow up happily never having to feel like he couldn’t let things out, couldn’t admit when something was wrong because god how could anyone help him if they didn’t know?

When Nnoitra pulled away Kazu could only kneel to his eye level, allowing the boy to yell, to get upset because honestly? At least that meant he was allowing himself to feel, negative emotions or no, they were still emotions. Emotions were important. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry Nnoitra I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to see you upset but feeling is important, being able to feel, being able to admit when something is hurting you even if it’s just to yourself or someone you trust? It’ll make you so much stronger” reaching forward just to boop him on the nose, even through his little rage Nnoitra was still the most precious thing Kazu had ever seen.

“All I want is for you to grow up as strong as you can” being strong was more than just physical, being physically strong was one thing but if your mind was weak, you’d have no chance “---be as happy as you can and… I thought that maybe… you’d be okay after I left, your mother she seemed… genuinely frightened by me wanting to take care of you” he didn’t want to explain, he didn’t want Teresa to be blamed in any way for his disappearance but… at the end of the day he really did go because she’d wanted him to. “---I hoped that the fear she showed would make her want to do better… look after you like you should be looked after” but it hadn’t worked as well as he’d hoped it would.

Maybe for a little while but… it hadn’t stuck.

“I’m sorry I was wrong… I hope you can forgive me” never in Kazu’s life had he asked for forgiveness, and yet here he was, asking such a small boy for that very thing, gosh he wished he could turn back time and just return straight away… never leave him for as long as he had… but time had passed, no going back now.

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despairforme:

     For some reason, Kazu thought he needed to apologize. Nobody ever said ‘ sorry ‘ to Nnoitra ( and he never said it either ), so it sounded weird. Yeah, sure, Kazu HAD made Nnoitra feel totally abandoned, which had been probably the worst feeling ever, but he had had his reasons. It wasn’t Kazu’s fault that he didn’t want to hang around Nnoitra anymore. It did sound like Kazu was genuinely sorry though, and Nnoitra didn’t want him to be. He didn’t want to be a burden to him. He didn’t want to feel like he was FORCING Kazu to pay attention to him. In any case, Nnoitra was a big boy, so he’d be fine on his own, right? That resolve just sort of crumbled when Kazu squeezed him and picked him up. He sure didn’t feel like a ‘ big boy ‘. He just felt happy that someone actually cared about him again.

     There was something different now though. Kazu promised that he hadn’t wanted to be away from him, and he also promised to not leave him again. The two promises came so quickly, and Nnoitra noticed that… He didn’t trust Kazu. Maybe he didn’t want to, or maybe he simply wasn’t able to. Either way, Nnoitra didn’t believe that Kazu wouldn’t leave him. He remembered so well what it had felt like to be abandoned, and how worthless he had felt. He NEVER wanted to experience that again. So, it was best not to get his hopes up. Kazu had hurt him before, and he would do it again. Nnoitra tightened his grip on his coat, as he let that thought sink in. It was a sad thought.

     Still though, Nnoitra wasn’t going to yell at him, even if Kazu said he could. He was just going to enjoy the fact that Kazu was back for now. The future was uncertain, and there was no point in worrying about it. He hoped he would be able to just focus on here and now. To encourage himself, he gave a brave, small smile. ❝ ‘S okay. ❞ It wasn’t, but Nnoitra wouldn’t admit that. He wasn’t going to tell Kazu how hurt he had been. Of course Kazu was going to leave him again. Why wouldn’t he? ❝ I’m strong ‘n I don’t get hurt. ❞ He said instead of confessing to feeling worthless. It was better that way.

Kazu knew he was in the wrong, he knew he made a mistake and honestly it hurt to have Nnoitra just accept that he’d done it without putting up a fight, without complaining, without getting verbally upset or angry it was heart wrenching. Was Nnoitra just… that used to being disappointed by people? “No Nnoitra… it’s not okay…” he gave the small boy another warm squeeze, almost to reassure both himself and Nnoitra to the fact that he was here… he was actually here and this time he wasn’t going anywhere.

He had no jobs lined up, he was currently pretty invested in wooing a handsome cop which was probably a very bad idea but hey what the hell he lived for danger, he had enough money to last him god only knows how long, he… he wasn’t going anywhere. He just had to hope the boys’ mother wouldn’t end up freaking out… which was a very real possibility.

“I’m strong… and I get hurt all the time, remember the cast on my arm that one week? That hurt a lot” and it was okay to admit when things hurt, hiding it all behind a mask of indifference was the worst idea a young boy could have, it’d end in misery no doubt. “It hurt a lot… not being able to see my favourite little guy every day… it really did” not a trace of dishonesty in those words, he hated being so far away from Nnoitra, knowing he probably wasn’t being treated like the precious little nugget he was… “turns out I’m not very good at managing that cause here I am” he shouldn’t be there… but he was terrible when it came to self-control.

“It’s okay to feel pain Nnoitra… it’s okay to admit when you’re upset or hurting… if you don’t want to then that’s okay too but you gotta let it out eventually” hopefully in a much more progressive way than kicking ten shades of shit out of some poor sap. 

[rainbowpinions]

Omgosh are we gushing about Eve? Is this a THING now??? Omg okay okay let me just

EEEEEEEVE, I miss uuuuuu I miss you looooooooooooooooads, I still have the phone charm you sent me attached to my phoooooooooooooooone and the lovely manga you sent me on my bookshelf, I still cant understand any of the writing in it but IT’S THERE FOR LOVE PURPOSES, YOUR POSTCARD IS STILL STUCK TO MY SHELF JUST THERE, REMINDING ME OF U DAILY <3.

Eve is great, lovely, wonderful and entirely too good for a shit partner like me, like ho shit I abandoned this blog and my ships for so long it’s insane, Kazu just didn’t want to cooperate with anyone and that made it very hard to keep in touch with the people I’d grown so close to on this blog, unfortunately one of the saddest loss of contacts was Eve.

Eve is just… too pure… to good. Can not even with how wonderful Eve is and everyone should love and respect the glory that is Eve cause HOW CAN U NOT HAVE U SEEN HER AND HER WRITING? Hot damn, 100 out of 10, infinity gold stars, A+++++++++++, winner winner chicken dinner hot damn.

In short, I miss and love u Eve and our bois interactions cause Kazu still adores his strict police boifrien and gosh u are just the best <3  

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despairforme:

KAZU

There it was, Kazu had never felt anxiety before, but if hehad to name this feeling, perhaps that is what he’d call it. The bell was loud,loud enough to be heard at least down the block and a little further, kids outin a crowd each one pushing past the other in hopes to get out away from theinstitution as quickly as possible.

Kazu didn’t care about those children though, his eyesscanned the crowd, looking for the tell tale black head of hair a starkcontrast to his own colourful strands. He hoped with everything he had thatNnoitra wouldn’t be mad at him, he’d spent so much time away, he’d justvanished… he could have argued Teresa’s point but that would likely have madematters worse.

She hadn’t believed him, and with the time he’d had toreflect, god would he have believedhim? No… he wouldn’t, it was preposterous, she had every right to take theroute she did, but he just wishedthat she’d kept up actually caring for him. Sure, she put a roof over his headand maybe gave him a bit of food but… that was basically how you cared for alizard or something, not even a cuddly pet, something that needed minimalphysical contact, just food and shelter it was madness.

Already Nnoitra was starting to show signs of a shitchildhood god only knows what that’d lead to growing up, he had to do something.

There he was, that sweet little boy he’d befriended with hugshe so desperately needed, he pushed himself away from the wall, turning to facehim lowering to a crouch as he did so, nothing was wrong, he didn’t want togive Nnoitra the wrong idea here, he wasn’t there to verbally push him away, hewasn’t there to tell him he’d never be back, no… Kazu opened his arms out as anoffering, he was here bearing hugs.

     A moment passed, and Kazu was still there. Nnoitra’s legs moved on their own, and he approached the man. Nnoitra didn’t REALLY know how he felt about any of this. He was happy to see Kazu again, of course, but then he remembered how abandoned he had felt when Kazu had stopped seeing him. He couldn’t remember ever feeling THAT sad before ( and he felt sad pretty often ). With the weeks, no, months that had passed, he’d kind of… Gotten used to being alone again. He had, more or less, accepted the fact that nobody cared about him ( with good reason, why would they, right? ). Now though, ALL of that just crumbled, since Kazu was back. That was nice, sure, but… That meant he would leave again. Nnoitra didn’t want to feel so disappointed, worthless and lost again.

     Still, Nnoitra had ( without being able to stop himself ), walked all the way over to Kazu, who was crouching down, arms out, like he was offering a hug. Slowly, Nnoitra held out his own arms, wrapping them around Kazu, while he literally buried himself into the hug. He had needed it SO badly. Nobody ever hugged him, and he liked to pretend that he didn’t need that sort of stuff, but of course, he knew that was just him trying to hold himself up. Those days when he’d gotten hugs regularly had been the BEST times in his life. Breathing in Kazu’s scent brought it ALL back for him, and Nnoitra squinted his eyes shut, hoping that they could just stay like this. Probably not though, right? Kazu would leave him again. Why was he even here? Why did he bother? Why had he left? Ah, no, he could answer that - he obviously had better things to do than to hang out with Nnoitra. And also, he had done what his mom had told him, nothing wrong with that. NONE of this made Nnoitra feel any better about being abandoned though. A part of him wanted to say something about it, but in the end he didn’t know how to phrase it, so he just kept quiet, and stayed in the hug. Maybe his hands had taken a very tight hold on Kazu’s coat… Yeah, maybe. 

Everything just felt so much better the moment Nnoitra buried himself within his arms, it’d been too long, he’d been away for far too long and this little boy had only suffered because of it. “I’m so sorry Nnoitra…” he gave the boy in his arms a squeeze, gentle but still a squeeze nevertheless before carefully lifting the boy up into his arms, he’d gotten a little bigger since the last time he’d seen him but… Kazu could still lift him up, still had enough strength to pick him up so he could continue to hold him.

“I know I’ve been gone for a long time, I didn’t want to be I promise” but that wouldn’t explain why he wasn’t there, he didn’t want to explain why he wasn’t there. If there was one thing he adored about this little boy, it was that he didn’t seem to hate his mother for her shortcomings, he thought she did her best, she gave him as much as she could, and while it was true she really was doing her best, trying as hard as she could, many would still hate their parents for something like this. He didn’t want to ruin that by blaming her. “There were some things… just some things that I had to take care of that took me away for a while, work stuff” he explained, and while true it wasn’t the whole story. He started for the boys’ home, long legs taking them in the direction of where he knew Nnoitra lived “I’m here now though I promise, and I’m not leaving you alone again okay?”

Never again.

Never would he leave this child alone again if he had a choice and he did have a choice, even if the woman called the police on him he’d done nothing wrong in this instance, he wasn’t trying to kidnap Nnoitra, he hadn’t hurt him he didn’t intend to hurt him, all he’d done… was give him hugs, and offer to help, he knew he had to re-word that offer now though, or maybe try a different way all together, he had to do SOMETHING.

“You can yell at me if you want I disappeared, I know I probably upset you” the silence was eerie no matter how tightly the boy was clinging.

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despairforme:

     Yet another boring day had passed at school. Nnoitra hated it more and more, honestly. He didn’t mind being at school ( in fact, he preferred that rather than being home ), but the classes were just so difficult, and he couldn’t keep up with the other students. At least today he hadn’t been forced to read out loud. He really hated that, because he would always stumble over words or read everything wrong, and some of his classmates would laugh at him. Well - they would PAY for that afterwards though. A punch or a kick. Nnoitra wasn’t going to let anyone make fun of him. Nobody was going to take care of him, so he had to be strong.

     He didn’t know if he was thankful or not, when the bell sounded, and school was over for today. This meant he had to go home. It was too cold to be walking around outside. Nnoitra sighed as he picked up his backback. It was stuffed with literally ALL his books. He was thinking that he should do some homework when he got home. Most likely, he would end up doing nothing though. Like usual.

     Nnoitra pushed a smaller boy out of the way so that he could get ahead of him out through the gate. It was unnecessary. Nnoitra just wanted to show who was boss. Once he was outside though, he stopped, dead in his tracks. At the end of the block, he thought… He saw someone. Yeah, there was definitely someone VERY familiar standing there. Nnoitra remained just where he was, worried that if he moved, Kazu would disappear. 

There it was, Kazu had never felt anxiety before, but if he had to name this feeling, perhaps that is what he’d call it. The bell was loud, loud enough to be heard at least down the block and a little further, kids out in a crowd each one pushing past the other in hopes to get out away from the institution as quickly as possible.

Kazu didn’t care about those children though, his eyes scanned the crowd, looking for the tell tale black head of hair a stark contrast to his own colourful strands. He hoped with everything he had that Nnoitra wouldn’t be mad at him, he’d spent so much time away, he’d just vanished… he could have argued Teresa’s point but that would likely have made matters worse.

She hadn’t believed him, and with the time he’d had to reflect, god would he have believed him? No… he wouldn’t, it was preposterous, she had every right to take the route she did, but he just wished that she’d kept up actually caring for him. Sure, she put a roof over his head and maybe gave him a bit of food but… that was basically how you cared for a lizard or something, not even a cuddly pet, something that needed minimal physical contact, just food and shelter it was madness.

Already Nnoitra was starting to show signs of a shit childhood god only knows what that’d lead to growing up, he had to do something.

There he was, that sweet little boy he’d befriended with hugs he so desperately needed, he pushed himself away from the wall, turning to face him lowering to a crouch as he did so, nothing was wrong, he didn’t want to give Nnoitra the wrong idea here, he wasn’t there to verbally push him away, he wasn’t there to tell him he’d never be back, no… Kazu opened his arms out as an offering, he was here bearing hugs.

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@despairforme

This, this was a bad idea. Kazu knew deep down that this was probably a bad idea but hey, he was doing it anyway. Teresa had told him to stay away, and he’d figured, perhaps his brief presence there would shake her up a little. He’d figured wrong, sure for a short time she was a little more… attentive, she watched out for her son just a little more than she was doing before he’d finally shown his face and his intentions but…

It’d gone right back so quickly. 

Kazu didn’t know what the outcome of his letter was, it appeared like Nnoitra hadn’t changed at all since getting it and he was watching, there was no warmth in him that Kazu could see and it pained him to stay so far away.

His bad idea was to change that entirely by finally showing his face. For the first time in a little under a year, Kazu stood at the very end of the block on which Nnoitra’s school was situated, waiting for the tell-tale bell that would alert everyone as to the end of the school day. Staying there because he was in plain sight, sure that Nnoitra would be able to spot him once he left the school gates.

This was a bad idea, but Kazu had every intention of seeing it out to the finish anyway.

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despairforme:

     I can’t do that. Just those words were enough for Teresa to take a defensive step backwards, like SHE was going to leave if Kazu would not. He was definitely not welcome here, and right now, he was trespassing, since she had asked him to leave. It was frightening, how powerless she felt. She’d felt unsafe plenty of times since— HE left her ( they didn’t exactly live in a nice part of town ), but this was the very first time she’d been afraid. Kazu didn’t look like a bad person, and it didn’t seem like he was going to do anything to her, but, she had to remember that this man was clearly good at manipulation. After all, he’d been able to trap Nnoitra, the most distrusting child in the world.

     Speaking of Nnoitra - her son moved over to her side by Kazu’s command. Which, in the end, made her feel even worse. Having Nnoitra close was a good thing. She could take his hand and run out of here. How long had it been since she had actually touched him? What was scary was how Nnoitra reacted to the order without hesitation, like he’d do anything the other man asked of him without question. It made her feel just a tiny bit sick.

     Now, Kazu was saying what she guessed he’d come here to say, and it made VERY bright, red warning lights appear before her eyes. An environment where he knows he’s loved? Oh, she knew EXACTLY what sort of ‘ environment ‘ the man was talking about. Poor Nnoitra. He didn’t understand this sort of thing, did he? He didn’t understand that there were different types of love. It was her fault, of course, there was no denying that. She didn’t love him, and she wasn’t even able to pretend that she did, but, she still knew that that was far better than what Kazu was offering.

     His final statement was hurtful. It made all her efforts seem like nothing. She was working hard, saving all their money so that Nnoitra could go to school and college when that time came. She knew Nnoitra thought she spent most of their money on cigarettes, but he was just a child, and understood no more about their financial situation than any other child. Since she didn’t love him, she had decided that she would at least support him with money. It wouldn’t make up for her failure as a mother, but it was the best she could do. Now, Kazu made that sound like nothing. He made her FEEL like nothing.

     Her eyes had fallen to the floor, and she was still holding the cross. Teresa clenched it a bit, trying to gather strength. It worked, and she was able to look at him again. ❝ Please leave. ❞

“I wish to invite you to my home” he once again ignored the request to leave, unfortunately he simply couldn’t, Nnoitra was far too precious for him to just give up, what on earth would Nnoitra see that as anyway? Leaving him? Giving up on him? Kazu could have either of those things going through the boys head he would never give up on Nnoitra. “I’ll even have an officer of the law there so you know you’re safe” that building was like a fortress, guards at both entrances, windows in his apartment were bulletproof, shatter proof, completely solid. His home in the city was impenetrable.

“I want to show you… it’s bright and warm, and I cook every meal myself” except for the odd pizza he’d ordered for himself and Nnoitra a few times no big deal.  “I can’t leave him, Teresa… I can’t have him think I’ve just given up on him” at least not without doing everything he could to give this child a better life, a warmer, brighter existence where he could flourish, grow up healthy and happy.

“He already has his own room there ready just in case… it’s almost bigger than mine… probably would be if I didn’t have a walk-in closet” from that room he’d be able to see the entire city. “I know what you think, Teresa… I know you think I intend to hurt him… pretty sure my own mother would murder me if I even thought about such a thing, and trust me, she’s Italian, she’d know, and she’d kick my ass before I even had a chance. He’s just a child… a child I love with everything I have” he’d never loved anything as much as he adored that boy, such a sweet little boy how could anyone not love him Kazu didn’t know.

“Please, please give me a chance to show you I mean no harm, to either of you” hell Teresa could move in as well if she wanted he didn’t give a fuck as long as Nnoitra was healthy and happy and ugh so loved and smothered in cuddles.

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despairforme:

     The smile presented by the man didn’t appear to have any immediate malice behind it, but Teresa knew better - this was a man who had so easily manipulated Nnoitra, and that was saying something, seeing as getting through to Nnoitra was almost impossible. She would not fall for the same tricks. Teresa’s tired expression had turned to worry now, or perhaps even fear. She still wished that Nnoitra would come stand beside her. Having such a man in their home - it was frightening. Especially since it was already nighttime. Should she call for help? It wasn’t like anyone would come.

     Her hand was shaking a tiny bit when she moved it up to hold the little metal cross that she wore around her neck. God would give her strength. God would protect her - them from this evil man. 

     ❝ I would like you to leave. ❞ If he truly didn’t want to cause any ‘ trouble ‘, then he would so as she said. She would have to talk to Nnoitra afterwards, so that he understood that he WASN’T allowed to see this man, and he definitely wasn’t allowed to invite him into their home. What had happened before she got here? Grey eyes moved to Nnoitra now, but as usual, he was a mystery to her. She would say that he looked worried, but there were nothing about him that gave away that something had happened between the two.

     She didn’t need to listen to him try to clear up these ‘ misconceptions ‘, because she knew what type of man he was, and he would not have such a despicable person near her son. Nnoitra was no saint, there lived something foul inside him, she was aware of that, so perhaps it wasn’t so strange that he would attract a person like Kazu, but she’d be damned if she didn’t DO something about it. What was she going to do if he didn’t leave? Call the police? She didn’t have a phone. Calling for the neighbors probably wouldn’t work either ( this wasn’t the sort of neighborhood where people weren’t used to screaming and yelling ). If only Nnoitra would come closer. She swallowed thickly, and clenched the little cross. Please just leave. More and more anxiety was building up inside her. The look she sent Nnoitra now was a plea for help, but the boy didn’t see it. His eyes were on Kazu. Not on her. Never on her. 

Of course she’d ask him to leave, that was one thing he simply couldn’t do, not while she gripped that cross round her neck like a lifeline instead of simply asking her child to come to her, did she know the boy would likely stay by his side instead? Or was that simply an assumption Kazu had, would Nnoitra stick by his side should she ask him to move? He had to hope that maybe he would.

“I can’t do that” still no malice behind his words, nor his smile, something more akin to regret than anything else, regretful that he couldn’t agree to her simple request “Nnoitra could you please go to your mother for me…? I think she might be a little more at ease if you’re closer to her than me” he hoped the boy would understand, clearly he knew what his mother thought, what she’d assumed Kazu to be doing to him, this was a grown man wanting to take a small boy into his life, it was… questionable. Nnoitra knew that as far as Kazu was aware.

Without waiting for Nnoitra to move he spoke again, not wanting to be delayed by any hesitations the child might have “I don’t want to take him completely away from you, Teresa” yes, he knew her name, just as she knew his, he’d done his research “that’s not what I want… all I want, is for him to be safe, happy… I want him to live in an environment where he knows he’s loved… but he’s not going to get that here, is he?” It’d taken so long for Kazu to enforce the idea that he adored Nnoitra, that he absolutely loved him the child was so precious to him it hurt to know he was so starved for affection that he questioned every little piece of it sent his way, either questioned it or clung to it like a lifeline.

He’d never really wanted kids before he’d met Nnoitra… he still didn’t want kids, he wanted a specific kid, this kid right here, just this one.

He didn’t want Teresa out of this child’s life completely, the woman was his mother and Kazu would never want to tear them apart but… Nnoitra didn’t have a future here with her, at least with Kazu he had a fighting chance at one. 

“I just want to give him a chance at a future, a real fighting chance”

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despairforme:

@rainbowpinions ,, permanent startercall / random starter.

     Teresa came home that evening, tired from work, as usual. She had spent all day at work, cleaning kitchens and bathrooms. Her fingers were tired, and she slowly opened the door, letting her bangs fall into her hair as she tilted her head forwards. Nnoitra wouldn’t be asleep yet, so she mumbled a small ‘ tadaima ‘, but didn’t expect a reply. She didn’t even say it loud enough for anyone to hear. She didn’t get the time to take off her shoes, because, when she looked up again, she realized that there was a stranger in her home. Her stoic features remained almost the same, even if a very small frown was not present on her tired face. 

     It didn’t take a detective to understand that this man was Kazu. Hadn’t she told Nnoitra that he wasn’t allowed to see him? And, why was this man in their home? A knot of anxiety was building up in her stomach, and she wished Nnoitra would walk over to her side, but her son remained standing beside Kazu, a little too close for her liking. ❝ What are you doing here? ❞ She finally asked, having regained the ability to speak. Yes, what on earth did he think he was doing here? 

Kazu didn’t know how the time had flown so fast. He’d gotten there early just to ensure Nnoitra would be home, or at least he hoped he would be, but he’d gotten there early and yet here it was, late as all hell probably dark outside and they’d spent the time doing very little other than simply relaxing on the couch, spending lost time with his precious little nugget, as much of it as he possibly could. This would be make or break, he needed to be calm tonight.

Only calm would he have any chance of talking to this woman, Teresa as he’d found out from doing a little digging, it was honestly quite scary how easily a stranger could find out quite literally everything about you with the right resources. Kazu knew all he needed to know.

He didn’t intend to take Nnoitra away from her, not completely anyway he just… would rather the boy lived somewhere he could thrive rather than be destroyed.

The sound of the door opening wasn’t the first thing Kazu noticed, it was footsteps on the pavement outside he noticed, leading up to the front door his hearing had long since been fine tuned to pick up the slightest of movements, that was how he was up, guiding the little boy next to him with him to stand well-presented and calm in front of this obviously exhausted woman. Kazu had to wonder if Nnotira would have eaten that night, or at least if he’d have eaten well. Calm… stay calm.

Recognition in her eyes told him she knew who he was, or at least figured it out from what Nnoitra might have told her of him, he simply smiled, not malicious or unkind, a soft warm smile usually reserved for Nnoitra.

“I wish to speak to you… clear up any misconceptions you may have… I swear I’m not here to cause trouble” no… he just wanted Nnoitra to be safe, safe and happy. He was neither of those things in this environment. “If you’ll speak to me of course, all I wish to do right now is talk to you, face to face” she could ask any question she liked, he would never in his life be more truthful than he planned on being that night.

Within reason. Certain things she could ask would fly every red flag known to mankind should he answer honestly, like his occupation for example. 

[rainbowpinions]

Smol spoon hugs Kazu.

All the hugs for the precious little smol spoon, all the tight squeezy hugs for the little boy, Kazu would never deny him a warm hug

[rainbowpinions]

Turns out i have a fuckton of random asks that i never knew i had, who knew eh?”

[despairforme]

     With Kazu moving down on one knee before them, they were equal in height, and Nnoitra could look right at his face, rather than up at him, like he usually did. There was just something about Kazu’s expression that made Nnoitra think the other really cared about him. And, it wasn’t just pretend. There was no lie or anything like that. Kazu meant it. He really meant that he was his favourite person. Nnoitra sucked in a breath, feeling the weight of the words, together with Kazu’s hands. Oh, but he didn’t feel heavy at all. This wasn’t something that weighed down on Nnoitra. It simply lifted him up.

     Grey eyes briefly closed as a finger graced his nose. Yeah, he was smiling now. He had no idea how he’d repay Kazu, but he’d find a way. At some point, he was bound to prove useful to the other. He didn’t really understand the concept of him not being a burden. Even if Kazu repeated it in the end, and even went as far as to call his mother wrong, he just… Didn’t see how that could be. He wouldn’t argue, of course, but, he didn’t see what Kazu got out of spending time with him. Why was Nnoitra his favourite person? It was a mystery. Maybe, one day, he’d ask, but right now, he wouldn’t. He was afraid the man wouldn’t have an answer for him. 

     It was Nnoitra’s turn to touch Kazu’s face now. Slowly, he reached out a hand, but changed his mind half way. He wasn’t going to be that brave. Not today. So, instead of touching him, he touched his glasses instead, pushing them a bit further up his nose (they had slipped, hadn’t they?). It was probably possible for Kazu to feel that feverish temperature of Nnoitra’s hand even when he wasn’t touching him. Nnoitra didn’t know why, but he had always been warmer than everyone else, and his heart had always been beating quicker than it should. It was no big deal, he figured. It was just his… Blood flowing quicker through his body? He removed his hand again, smiling at the other. What to say, what to say? He thought he was getting a bit better at talking with Kazu these days… 

     ❝ I dunno wha’ ‘ta say ‘ta that. ❞ He decided to be honest. ❝ But no matter wha’ ya expect ‘a me, I ain’t gonna let ya down. ❞

[rainbowpinions]

The fact of the matter was, Kazu really did care about him, it was odd in a sense, a hitman wasn’t SUPPOSED to have feelings, they were meant to be void of emotion, prone to spending hours in motels on highways alone with their thoughts, going crazy of course people would argue that they were already crazy to be in the profession they were. But… Kazu had feelings.

He simply… repressed them, pushed them down only to let them out when it really mattered, to stop him from losing what humanity he had, mainly around his mother, or around children… children had always been a sort of weakness for him. Children and his mother, that was it, they were the only aspects in his life that brought out emotion, that made him feel things, Nnoitra just happened to be one of those things.

So special, Kazu just wanted to hug him and never let go, let him know that everything would be okay, that he was loved and would always be loved.

The elder huffed a small laugh as his glasses were pushed back up his nose, such warmth radiated from those little fingers despite the cold, Kazu wondered if the scarf he’d gotten him some time ago had even been useful to the child. True though, his glasses had slipped a little on his descent to Nnoitra’s level so a thank you was in order “thank you, Nnoitra” another boop to that nose because ugh such a precious little squirt send help.

In truth he expected very little from Nnoitra, he was just a child, forcing burdens like expectations onto a child could have adverse effects in the long run, they were meant to flourish on their own, find their own niches and stick to them, without having to live up to someone’s wildly blown up expectations, he’d been expected to become a scientist, renowned in his field and look at where he’d ended up. “You just focus on looking forward to when you can finally stay with me okay? I can’t promise it’ll be soon, but I’ll do my best to make it within the year okay?” Even if he had to bribe them with money or do something even worse to make it happen, he would… Nnoitra was just too special to him for him to be left to a mother that obviously did nothing to care for him.

[despairforme]

     Kazu sounded so sure. It sounded like he really meant it. It filled Nnoitra with a sense of safety, and it got even better with the other wrapping his arms around him. Kazu was cold compared to Nnoitra’s burning body temperature- but the hug was still warm. He leaned into the touch, and breathed in man’s scent. He always smelled so good.

     He had only been to Kazu’s place a few times, and, he definitely liked it there. It was much nicer than where he lived. That shabby apartment which smelled of smoke… With a sad-looking fridge always sort-of empty. His mother’s bed which she slept in way too rarely. Then there was his own room, which was pretty much just a bed. Oh, but he wasn’t complaining! Of course he wasn’t… He should be happy that his mother even wanted to take care of such a useless person such as himself. It was a surprise she hadn’t thrown him out yet. He was just a burden after all. Maybe she’d like him more if he stayed with Kazu? At least then she’d have more money to spare, so she’d be able to work less and get some rest. Nnoitra wanted that for her. 

     However, the main reason why he wanted to live with Kazu was for his own sake. Yeah, maybe he was being selfish, but he just… Couldn’t help it. He cared so much about Kazu. He felt safe with him. Yeah, he even felt like the other liked him. It was a feeling Nnoitra simply couldn’t get enough of. No matter how often he saw Kazu, it was never enough. 

     He didn’t care how long this took. He could wait. He could wait for years if it meant he’d be able to stay with Kazu in the end. Yeah, even if it never happened, it was such a nice thought, that Nnoitra would probably be able to carry on with that alone. 

     ❝ Mm… ❞ That was Nnoitra’s way of ‘ accepting ‘ the offer of getting a spare key. He was already so happy taht he didn’t think there was a level of happiness above this one. ❝ Ya gotta lemme repay ya. I don’t wanna be a burden. ❞ That was the last thing he wanted.

[rainbowpinions]

Kazu had honestly never been more sure with a decision made in his life, he adored this little boy, perhaps enough to even consider him one of his so few weaknesses, should any harm ever come to Nnoitra there would surely be hell to pay for the perpetrator, Kazu would make their last days painful, more so than anyone could possibly imagine, and he’d enjoy doing it too.

Kazu’s home had always been very nice, every home he’d ever had was immaculate, sure Kazu smoked on occasion, but never in the house, it’d be a shame for those lovely pristine walls to get that yellow tint that seemed to occur whenever cigarette smoke happened to be in the vicinity, Kazu would never smoke around Nnoitra, if he needed to smoke, he’d excuse himself from the room, or better yet the apartment itself, the boy would be happy and healthy in his care he’d make damn sure of it. His smile dropped however once he heard those words from the boys mouth, a burden?

When had anyone ever thought of this boy as a burden, such a sweet little thing, sure he… probably stole things and maybe caused a bit of trouble here and there but honestly was Kazu any better? The man killed people for money, it was probable that Kazu’s sense of right and wrong was a little askew but… in his mind this child could do no wrong, could never be a burden no matter what he did.

“Nnoitra…” he began, taking a knee, just pulling back from the hug to place both hands on the boys shoulders, expression warm, caring “---you could never be a burden to me… not even a little bit, like I said… you’re my favourite person in this whole world” just lifting one hand from the boys shoulder to boop his nose with the tip of his finger “You can try and repay me if you like I won’t stop you doing what you feel like you need to do… but know that I will never see you as a burden, and anyone who thinks you are, is wrong”

[rainbowpinions]

Cont. [x] @despairforme

It would be difficult, Kazu knew this much as fact, sure to the eyes of the law he was nothing more than a scientist that’d not yet been employed in his chosen field of study, an unemployed scientist was… well… not even remotely as bad as contract hitman so, he could probably get away with it.

The only down side was that he was a single, adult male, wanting to take in a young boy who he’d literally met on the street. Didn’t even remotely sound like a good idea there but… he was clean, tidy, his apartment was more than big enough for the both of them he had enough money to take care of the child he just… wanted the kid in his life, a little more often than what he currently had if possible. It was perfectly acceptable if you didn’t know about the whole… hitman thing which Kazu could very easily switch up to make sure he wasn’t away as often so Nnoitra would never be left alone.

Clearly Nnoitra wasn’t being taken care of at home right now so… why should he continue to be ignored when he could very easily have a loving home?

“Everything will work out fine…” he was sure of it, the certainty in his voice unwavering as he wrapped his arms around that small frame, giving the child the warm hug he wanted, needed even. “It might take a few weeks, maybe a little longer but… we’ll figure it out I promise… for now you can come to my apartment any time you like okay? The doorman will let you up, and I’ll get you a spare key” so if Nnotria ever needed to get away from home, he had a place to go that was safe.

[rainbowpinions]

Kay so I've gotten rid of all verses except for Kazu’s new main verse, and the Royalty one, because i put too much effort into the Royalty one, and it’s not been tarnished by a shitty AF partner yet so Kazu still cooperates in it. 

If your relationship with Kazu happened to be in any of the other verses and you still want to interact with him somehow, shoot me a message, we can see about working your muse in somewhere :D 

[rainbowpinions]

Think i might purge a bit of this blog, rework some things, get rid of a few verses and try an bring Kazu back, idk... he’s sort of around here and there but only in very small doses, maybe if i just... re-work it a little, build a bit more character for him in the verses he happens to be most active i might be able to drag his feathery butt back from the depths in which he’s hidden himself :/ 

IDK, we’ll see~

For anyone who’s wondering you can find me over here @heavenlyseraphim more often than not as that’s my most active blog. 

[theanti90smovement]