There’s pain and longing in things that has passed. Now I’m realizing how heavy it is to look back on missed moments and unrealized opportunities.
Have you heard of the superstition where you ask the cat something/someone missing? One of the stray cats we feed gave birth in our garage 2 weeks ago. She put it inside our house. She went missing. I use the syringe and cat milk to force feed the kittens. 24-hours missing I talked to every single one of the stray cats if they’ve seen the mama cat, the one with a limp. I told them it’s unusual for a mama cat to leave their kittens not unless they are sick.
She returned a day after that. She smelled of death and sickness. I let her in and showed her the kittens. She avoided them, I think she doesn’t want to risk it. She stayed for a while and looked at the house. She asked to be petted and laid down in her usual spot where she sleeps. I played video games the whole day, looking at her look at me and the house.
At midnight, I turned the tv and console off. I sat and the floor and touched her a bit. I thanked her for going home. I told her I’ll try my best to feed the kittens if they will accept, but made no promise. The kittens are too young, and I’m afraid nature will run its course. I told her it’s okay to sleep now, and that it was great she trusted us to feed her for a while. I told her we may not meet again when I sleep now, because I’m not sure if she’ll stick around- but that I understand. I said thank you for making an effort to say goodbye.
I woke up the next day without her in the house. Her kittens are crying, asking to be nursed. I know she’s gone, truly gone this time. I wonder if she felt love in her last hours.
Most of my days these past two months are mostly at home. I had three of my wisdom teeth removed and didn’t expect the long recover time per operation. It forced me to stay home and do some light cleaning. I sorted some things and continued packing clothes and books I intend to donate.
I have donated more than 10 paper bags of old clothes now. Most of them bought 2014-2018. I didn’t have a growth sprout so I kept them. They’re the clothes I bought with my first salary, my first time alone abroad, my first Christmas splurge, my first out of the country shopping.
For some reasons, I thought they were meant ti stay. I thought those days of vanished youth can be revisited if I just store them, or that I don’t need to go shopping again. But nothing really lasts. Most of these items aren’t even reflective of who I am today. Seeing them go felt like saying goodbye to a younger version of me. I’m happy knowing he was happy.
Skype is closing down. I spent 4 years working for Microsoft. We knew end days are coming for the app since the introduction of Microsoft Teams. I used to handle Skype in the Classroom programs and have visited local museums to invite them to join giving virtual tours (before pandemic). Seeing it go had some finality. Seeing it go felt like I said goodbye to the mama cat and my old clothes. I cheered myself up knowing we have connected 40k Filipino students a year to promote culture and identity. Those were few of my career highlight.
So there’s really pain and longing in things that has passed. In a few weeks I felt like I said goodbye in multitudes and was forced to confront how things are changing again. I’m starting to give away some of my books. I felt like there’s no point keeping too much when things, people and circumstances change too often.
It’s only the first quarter of the year, but it felt like a year-long reflection was due, from forced self-isolation and sad chain of events.
Someone I used to love went back home. We didn’t meet, even as friends. It felt like a satisfying and sad goodbye to moments shared. I hope I’m as happy.
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