Raising Judah

I am Black, Trans, polyam, and Queer. I am a Liberation activist ✊🏾. I believe in fighting against oppressive systems and dismantling the shitty systems that have held us as slaves for generations. Black Lives Matter Trans Lives Matter No Human is Illegal

[raising-judah]

I saw you panicking and I was also panicking in the beginning of the pandemic. Selfishly a third person did sound better, but I would have never allowed K to let M move back in. And I should have stepped in sooner and voiced a concern about each of our progress. But hindsight is 20/20. I needed you to work on yourself and I thought you could do that I. My home and I was wrong. You made some progress but not where I needed you to be and I allowed that to be another but it isn't. And I want to own my part in this and do better moving forward.

[raising-judah]

During our conversation I didn't relate what I was hearing and then it hit me after you left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You want to know if the plan remains to get a place and all be a family one days so you can plan your life. But like your not capable right now of being stable. And what I realized was actually happen is a repeat of our cycles where you plan your whole life around me or some plan we've cooked up and when you can follow through you then get to say I fucked you over and you gave up everything for this. It doesn't allow me to change my mind. It creates a rigid system and allows you to not take responsibility for your poor choices and be anger with me because I am successful. I need you to start making decisions based off of what you need and only based off of you. We have to break this cycle. And I refuse to participate in this toxic cycle anymore. I will maintain my mental health. I hope you can to. But I don't think we can keep planning our lives together.

[raising-judah]

It's been a long time since I have written anything. So much has been happening. And I wonder how im making it through everything. I want to just be the man I need to be for my family. But its challenging navigating all of the parts. Its hard having the strength to do what needs to be done. But I must push on. Because our family is deserving. And I am deserving of happiness.

[raising-judah]

Forever and ever I stay in the spot.

Dark and small.

But the energy is sweet.

Like when you first get out of a shower after a long week.

The kind of shower you weep in as the heat from the hot water hits the spots of your soul that are so very tired.

[raising-judah]

I was thinking about the best way to use this platform and think I'll just post mostly about my long hauler journey with covid.

Its 11am and I have been laying on the couch all morning in pain trying not to fall asleep so I can watch the kiddos. I'd say I'm sitting at a level 5 pain since 7am. My legs hurt so much. Maybe stretching will help?

[raising-judah]

Pain: its always there and when I finally have the ability to rest it always intensifies. Restless legs, muscle pain. Sleep is always the hardest.

[raising-judah]

Some nights I am so exhausted from the emotional work of the day that I just lay on my bed and wonder how i'll be able to get up and do it again tomorrow.

[raising-judah]

Tonight I'm laying in bed thinking about what people would say if I died tomorrow. The sad thing is I guess it would all depend on how I died. As a Black bodied Trans man I feel like the value my life has depends on how people see me in my death. Will they remember me as a person who has dedicated his life to helping his community? Will they say i had becoming increasingly radical? Will they say i was a broken person suffering the effects of years of abuse? A man who fought the system? Ungrateful and unpatriotic? A loving father? A man with drug and alcohol abuse history?

What version of me will be remembered? As a Black man will they see the systemic struggle of my life? Or just another Black body that got in the way?

[raising-judah]

Sitting at my desk staring at my screen. A snoring partner in background and two kids screaming and running around the apartment. Screen goes black. In last hour I have gotten nothing done. And I just sit here thinking about how all my school work, my work work, and the house work is piling up.

Kids are running partner gets up and sends them to their room. I sit here typing this out. Partner goes back to bed. I sit continuing to feel useless. The kids are fighting and the youngest is crying. I turn my laptop back on an attempt to read this journal article about the effectively of mentoring programs for LGBTQ+ youth. My phone dings. I got a text. No more reading.

[errorpeachy]

Black Lives STILL Matter.

[blackexcellence]

✨Your Friendly Friday Reminder ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽✊🏼✨

[raising-judah]

First post.

Today is like all days. The kids woke up early and their other Dad woke up with them. The youngest was dropped off at daycare and the eldest got ready for distance learning. I woke up, eventually to start my day. Another slow morning for me and my phone rang. Panic! Its ok I told her, just breathe. "I tested positive for covid." Its ok I said as she cried. We are all going to be ok.

Not a normal day. Not a day like every other day, but also not a day we've never had before. We've been here and the last time it was us calling her to say we have covid.

We'll all be ok. Our little pod will survive.