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Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind 2004 | dir. Michel Gondry

is it better to speak or to die?

Today I threw away the boxes I kept for you for the house move... It's been 2 months. 2 months sitting in my car and I couldn't bring myself throw them away because it was all that I had left of us.

I miss you terribly and I miss us. The first and last thing on my mind everyday is you, I am absolutely shattered, tired and a shell of what I once was. I fucking begged you to stay, I begged for you to talk it out. I will never beg anyone to see me and my worth again.

Today is the start of me letting go, no contact (We haven't spoken in 3 weeks) no checking socials. Nothing.

My appetite to eat is coming back again, I've put some weight back on. It's time for me to focus on myself and my own well being. You may have given up and walked away but I never do.

I am worth more than the dirt you left me in.

You made me fall in love with life again, the past year getting close to you and the friendship you've given me brought back my smile again. You gave me something I've wanted and needed my whole life a bestfriend everything seemed bright again for awhile atleast.

The big problem is I fell in love with you hard and it's tearing me apart from the inside out. When I came out to you and your mum found out she told you I probably have feelings for you and I had to pretend I didn't. That hurt because I know we can never be more than friends. You told me if I did that you hope I would tell you because you would never want to hurt me, if I do tell you I will be nothing but hurt. I will never have that amazing guy to treat with all the love and respect he deserves.

I think I will have to tell you eventually if I can't pull myself out of this hole I have dug for myself and I will probably lose the most important relationship I have in my life.

For Certain

I thought that when I came out to you I would snap out of it. You have been nothing but supportive of me and it has been so lovely.

The problem is I am still completely in love with you. Why am I still confused?

You said when I came out you really thought alot about your own sexuality. That to me points to some uncertainty with yourself also.

We talk everyday and video call most days for hours. We hang out any time we can, we have deep late night conversations. I feel like we have a deep connection and love for eachother.

I don't know what we are and I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Maybe this is what having a best friend feels like.

Maybe it's more.

I don't know.

You're honestly so sweet. I was so embarrassed and shy when you gave me my birthday presents yesterday. I don't know why my brain refuses to accept that you care about me.

I want to be completely honest with you and tell you. But my overwhelming fear of losing you stops me in my tracks. When deep down I know you won't care and you will accept me for who I am.

I am so close to telling you. I just need some more time.

I'm still in love with you and the more we talk or hang out the more I realise that. This is all the thoughts and emotions I can get out of my head right now. I don't know what else to say.

When you two start dating (which is highly likely) it's going to hurt so bad. The past year has been great becoming so close with you. Now I can't help but feel sad and angry at myself for falling so hard. I wish I could blame you but I can't. You did nothing wrong, you're my best friend. I'm the one that was delusional and caught feelings for someone I knew I could never have.

You're straight, I'm not. I can't tell you how I feel and how much it hurts. I want you to be happy because I know you deserve it. I really want that for you, but this selfish feeling I have is making me sick to my stomach.

I'm really sorry. I'm going to be there for you no matter what. Hopefully you will stick around too.

I am jealous that she is talking to you and I can't say a word. I have no right to say anything because it's none of my business and frankly if I did I wouldn't blame you if you stopped talking to me.

Falling in love with you was all my fault but it's difficult for me to pretend like I'm not. The last two days have just been a struggle hearing you talk about a possible love interest. I know you say you don't want a girlfriend but what if you do? You deserve to be happy and I really hope you achieve that happiness. Even if it breaks my heart.

I have nobody to talk to about this so I need to rant it out to myself on here to get it out of my system.

I love being with you.

I am a very anxious person but when we are together nothing in the world can touch me. You are such a beautifully disarming person and I've never felt like that with anyone.

Time doesn't exist when we are together, I could spend an entire day with you for it to feel like 5 minutes. Chilling at your house with you and your family I feel welcome and comfy.

I would love to ask you out, I just don't have to courage to out myself to you just yet. I fear losing the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Cainers ❤️

Fucking hell your eyes. I am so afraid to look into your eyes. When we talk and I make eye contact I have to stop myself, otherwise I may get lost.

You're so fucking beautiful and in those eyes I see everything I've ever wanted. I can't resist staring at you and when you smile back at me I am a mess on the inside.

We're just friends

yeah we're just friends

but how come my heart jumps to my throat

when i catch even a glimpse of you

if we're just friends

then how come just the thought of you

sends me into a mental spiral thinking about

every time you said my name, told me a

secret, shared your deepest most intimate

desires

okay we're just friends

but should your friend make you feel like the

sunrise

like the sky came to say hello

and all your worries faded in it's brilliant

glow

you say we're just friends

but how can we be?

how can i say we're just friends

when just friends grew into something so

much more

more than any friendship i could've ever

hoped for

I wish I was intelligent enough to write like this about you.

I haven't been this happy for a long time...

I'm catching myself smiling throughout the day. Not much has changed in my life recently other than your presence and I am so thankful to have you. It is such a joy to know you, you make me happy.

I can't quite put it into words how you make me feel

All I can say is... I love you and never change for anyone.

The dopamine that's pumping through me after facetiming and hanging with you the last 3 days in a row is almost too much for me to handle. Guess I need to stock up since I start back to work tomorrow morning and you're not back until next week.

So glad I decided to drop into work today. Getting to hang at your house all evening was a great surprise. I feel at peace when I am around you, you make me so comfortable and welcome. I wish I could be with you all the time.

My friends say I am in love with you. I can't say they're wrong. How could I not fall in love with you?

During my nap earlier I dreamt of two friends that have drifted out of my life.

I guess being at the party last night with new people has made me subconsciously think of past friendships.

I guess it's natural for some people to drift out of your life. Truthfully I can't remember being this happy than with the friends I currently have.

I have my bad days but things are good right now.

You've caught feelings for a girl and I've caught feelings for you.

When you talked about it last night it felt like a knife was thrust into my chest.

I have no right to be upset that you like someone. I'm the one that fell for the straight guy and it's my fault.

I did it to myself and I'm not going to let my feelings hurt you or our friendship for one second.

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