Yesterday my heart was broken.
I turned my back for just a few minutes and the pups took off running. In retrospect I think it might have been because someone was walking their dog and they wanted to go harrass it cause they were jerks when they were together.
I turned my back and it was too quiet and then there was a screech of breaks and it was too quiet. Then I called out for Stella and I call out for Nugget and neither of them are there.
I call out again and Nugget comes back, running alone. And that’s when I panic. I threw him in the door and run up my driveway.
And there are people pulled over and standing there and there’s a man holding his dog in his arms. And there is my baby girl in the intersection. I ran over to her and she was so still and her eyes were so wide.
I’m panicking and panicking and I’m in the middle of the road and I can’t leave her because she’s in the road what if someone else hits her.
A policeman came and he blocks the road and I ask him to stay so I can get my car and he does and I run back to the house yell to my mom that Stella has been hit by a car. I hear her wail and I grab my purse and run out the door and I drive the short distance to the corner.
And the cop is standing by her his car is blocking and I run back and look down and in that instant I knew she was gone. She was already gone.
I get a blanket from the car and he helps me to carry her. We put her in my back seat and then I walk over to the waiting people standing there.
It was my a truck for my village maintenance department. Two young men in maybe their twenties stand there so sad. They say their condolences and that she came out of nowhere and they couldn’t do anything. I tell them i understand they didn’t mean it, it was accident I’m sorry this happened to them, it’s my fault.
And then I ask the cop if it’s ok if I just drive in reverse back to my house.
I reverse into my driveway, open the back door and then just start wailing from the bottom of my soul. My baby girl. My baby girl was gone.
And it’s my fault. We were only supposed to be out a few minutes. They wanted to come out to play. I settled coffee to brew and went out on the back with them. Let them chase each other and wrestle. The tethers I put away because the lawn people were coming. I needed to put the hose away cause they were coming. And that it when I turned my back. And then she was gone.
I sat crying with her there for over two hours. My baby, who was always with me, always here. Never let me feel alone, even when the ex left. She was always there to cuddle with me, make me feel safe and loved. Every nap, every sleep, every day of the nearly last four years she was with me. And now, she’s gone. And there’s a missing lean on me of comfort. Her head isn’t on my legs or on my lap or on my shoulder. I’ll never hear her bark, never see her play. Nugget and her won’t grow old together. She won’t be waiting for me when I get out of the shower. She won’t be waiting at the door when I get back from running or errands. She won’t be here to take a picture with me in front of the Christmas tree.
I spoke to my friends and my sister and my mom was also there. They listened to my heartbreaking cries and reassure me. All I can think about is just one decision one single decision that I could have made differently and that she’d be here. I could have hit snooze one more time. I could have worked out. I could have kept them inside when I went out. I could have started working instead of going outside. I could have not lost sight of them.
It just plays in my mind on repeat. Knowing it was my fault, I could have prevented this. And I have to live with that the rest of my life. That my precious, pure, loving, happy baby girl is gone now when she should be right here, snuggling with me on the couch. Wrestling with Nugget. Cuddled up in her bed.
Why did she run away? Why did she leave me?
The one small thing I hold onto is that she was zooming away, her best friend at her side, and they were being crazy happy doggies together. That her last moments were quick and hopefully not too painful. If she had been crying in pain and suffering when I got there I would not have been able to take it. But I would have given my whole life’s savings and credit limits to pay for her to be well. I don’t know what I would trade of myself to have her here…. But I’m going to say it would be nearly anything.
I let nugget sit with her and me for a little bit, before the sun made him too hot. He sniffed her a bit and tried to jump in the car, but I didn’t want him to step on her. Ppl said to let him see her so he can say goodbye. Today he was sniffing at my car door, the side that she was on. I don’t think he understands and he misses her. Wonders where she went.
I tried to breathe her scent in. Pet her head, felt unique grooves of her brow, the velvety smooth softness of her floppy ears. I put my arms around her and held her paws and whispered my grief and love and apologies to her. I hope she can forgive me. The way she was set in my car, her paws were up a bit my her nose, like she’d do sometimes when sleeping.
She was my baby girl, my heart, my protector, my companion, my best friend, Nuggets big sister, and the kitties supervisor, beggar for whenever my mom would eat chicken, howler at doggies walking by, sweet loving soul of a baby dog. And she left me too soon.
My mom was there for me and trying to make sure I drank and ate a bit. She sat with Stella when I had to run in to pee because I didn’t want her to be alone. When the vet finally opened she went with me to bring her in. They were so kind. And my mom rubbed my back and was there for me while I cried.
Then Leo came to be with me yesterday morning after I got back from the vet. I told her she didn’t have to come but she did. Speedy told her to. She kept me company a bit and made sure I ate a good lunch. I would not have moved from my bed otherwise.
After she left it all just replayed over and over when I wasn’t looking at pictures or videos of Stella and crying. Later I saw my phone had been giving me heart rate and noise notifications. The noise could only have been me, wailing.
My friends, family, and coworkers compassion and kindness have been so wonderful. I’ve cried so many tears alone or in conversations with them. I got flowers and a huge gift card from my work friends. The vet sent me a flower arrangement in the shape of a Angel puppy with wings.
Every fur baby I’ve lost has been from a long sickness. You know it’s coming, you have your mind accepting the reality along the way. Not like this, not in the blink of an eye like this. It will be devastating either way, but now I’m also just in shock.
Treasure every moment. We all have heard this, but never have I felt it more. I hope she knows her momma loved her so much. I hope she’s here with me now in spirit, just watching over me. I hope she’s waiting for me with all my other loves. May God watch over her until we are reunited.
Last night was the first without her. Today we had our first morning walk and meals without her. My first shower and workday and dinner without her. Nugget is just laying and sleeping most of the day. I think he’s grieving too.
I cant stop myself from talking to her. I want to feel she’s here. I don’t want to forget her. We were supposed to have at least a decade more together. I just wanted her to be happy and safe and loved. I failed at keeping her safe. So I hope she did feel happy and loved. I think she did. And she’ll be loved forever.
