I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Phantogram Three
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
untitled
noise dept.
$LAYYYTER
official daine visual archive
cherry valley forever
EXPECTATIONS
NASA
Fai_Ryy
KIROKAZE
occasionally subtle
Not today Justin
Cosimo Galluzzi
Origami Around
ellievsbear
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
tannertan36
Game of Thrones Daily
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Thailand
seen from Indonesia
seen from Dominican Republic
seen from Colombia
seen from T1
seen from Vietnam
seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Colombia
seen from Venezuela
seen from United States
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
@ramblingclandestinethoughts
Just overheard a coworker saying "...well the rainbow is in the Bible, so they can't have it." Well newsflash honey, you don't actually own the light reflections in the sky and the gays already stole the rainbow whether you like it or not, so say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better I guess. (aka the awkward things that happen when a homophobe dyes their hair multicolored)
“I don’t want a daughter who’s a lesbian and I don’t want a son who thinks he’s a girl”
well you know I’d rather not have a mother who’s a homophobe and a transphobe but here we both fucking are.Â
tfw you go to church for the first time in like a year so your mom won't have to go to the Easter service alone and it feels juuuust a tad weird since you're now a Heathen and a Lesbian and all, but you have the Flannel of Gay to protect you so it's all good
Also I spent a decent amount of time earlier this evening during which I alternated between texting a girl on a dating app and reading an extremely queer graphic novel. Talk to a girl, read about gays, talk to the girl again, read about more gays, repeat pattern for a couple of hours. (It’s also worth mentioning that I was wearing rainbow socks at the time). Basically I just want to say that I’ve had a thoroughly gay evening, 10/10 would recommend.Â
So I kind of forgot to post about it but video date was good! We talked for about 3 hours and she was really easy to talk to which was nice. We’re actually doing another one tomorrow night. I really like her, although I’m not sure if there’s any romantic chemistry (probably doesn’t help that I have absolutely no clue what that feels like) - so far I think I have more...bro-like feelings than attraction? But I’m trying not to overanalyze it since we’ve literally had one video date, so we’ll see how I feel after this next one.
Ok, I think I’m going to send her a message asking her about video chatting or meeting up now. Or soon. Probably. Â
So...we’re going to do a video call on Saturday. *cue screaming*
Ok, I think I’m going to send her a message asking her about video chatting or meeting up now. Or soon. Probably. Â
Reasons I'm hesitent about asking L (dating app girl) to meet up:
1. Bc I don't have a social life, I will have to tell my mom what I'm doing, and I'm not looking forward to what I expect will be the same reaction she had the one other time I was considering meeting up with someone - which was not a positive reaction.
2. My small town is about 45 mins away from the city she lives in, so there's the stress of potentially driving to a New Place and having to Navigate - both very scary, do not like those.
3. Things being generally more complicated bc of covid
4. Things not working out (logically it feels like this would be #1 but tbh the first two really are the most stressful)
Maybe I should see if she wants to video chat first? I'm not sure what we'd do or talk about but that goes for in-person as well, and it'd eliminate the driving/navigating part. And if we schedule it for when my mom's at work, she might not need to know yet (but then my dad and brother are usually home at that time, so...idk.)
Online dating
So I haven’t posted on here in a while, but a few weeks ago I downloaded a few dating apps and have actually talked to some people! I haven’t met up with anyone yet, although I almost did with the first girl I talked to and my mom reacted...not super positively to that (I might make a separate post about that). Anyway, I’ve been talking to this one girl for two weeks (as of yesterday) and I keep almost asking her if she wants to meet in person but haven't actually done it yet, but I think I'm going to today finally. So we'll see.
Therapy appt 9/25/20: Mostly talked about how it went with my dad (which I still need to make a post about). We also talked about some different dating apps that work best for queer women, and she asked me what are some things I like about myself and that I would bring to a relationship. Which was a good thing to do I think - it just always feels awkward bragging on yourself lol. I can't remember exactly what I said but some of the things were good communication/not playing mind games, being myself/not being fake, and being compassionate.
Coming out to my mom
So. The coming out to mom post. Which happened like over a month ago now because it took me forever to actually post this but oh well
Let's see...when was it? It was about half an hour before my therapy session, a few sessions ago...so Tuesday, August 18th. I was in the kitchen, putting my lunch together, and I basically just told her. She was surprised (I wasn't sure if she would be or not) because I guess she assumed I had considered that I could be gay when my beliefs changed and decided I wasn't. Anyway. In that initial conversation she wasn't really processing it yet (in a lot of ways she still hasn't), largely bc my coming out is so heavily overshadowed by things ending with my bf. Our relationship is really important to my mom and she's been pretty involved in it, so it's a huge deal for her that we're breaking up. So anyway, I just told her some general reasons why I think I'm gay, told her a little about comp het to explain why it took me so long to figure it out, and probably some other stuff (I can't remember everything about that conversation tbh). Like I said she mostly just wasn't fully processing it but she didn't say anything bad or try to convince me I was straight or something.
So then a few days later - Saturday - things were really terrible. That night I had what was probably the worst and most intense conversation I've ever had with my mom. I'm trying to remember how it started. Oh right - I'd basically spent the day trying to compose a coming out fb message to my bf and mom was going to help me out with the wording. She got home from work and I showed her what I had so far. Basically she told me I was giving him too much info at once and it sounded "cold" (and now that we've talked through things more totally agree with her and have been taking a more easing him into it approach, but at the time the way she was saying it came across as really critical). So I was very much picking up on the fact that she was upset with me and I was reacting to that by sort of shutting down a little, responding to her but not making eye contact, and generally not being very expressive. So she responded to that by at one point saying I was acting like I didn't care about this, to which I said I felt like she was mad at me, which she replied by saying she was mad at me. Shortly after that she left my room, and then when she came back I asked her why she was mad at me. I was saying things like "is it bc of the message being too cold, or bc it seems like i don't care, or...?" And at that point she bursts out with (while also crying) "I'm mad at you for being gay, ok?!" And basically goes into this whole thing about how I keep throwing things at her and expecting her to just accept them (first the change in beliefs, now this), how it makes her feel like she's not important to me bc I didn't tell her until I'd already decided these things about myself, and how I'm a really hard person to love because I never open up to people. She is also crying a lot while saying all of those things, and i am a little bit as well at this point (I don't cry very easily but someone yelling at me while crying will do it) I tried to explain how hard it is to tell people about things like being gay when you're still questioning esp you're not sure how they'll react, but i don't know if she really gets it. I think it was good that she got her feelings out but it was still really hard. That first week or so after I told her she had pretty much been crying every time we talked about my bf. The conversation did end ok, with us hugging and saying we loved each other. And the next day things were better - things felt more normal and she asked me some questions like when I’m planning to come out to the rest of the family. She's still trying to process things - she told me the other day that she still doesn't really know how she feels about me being gay in itself - it's just all about the breakup right now. So we'll see what happens as time goes on.Â
So I'm coming out to my dad in like an hour or two...very nervous but hopefully it will go ok.
It did go ok! Will make a post about it soon but I'm really glad I did it.
So I'm coming out to my dad in like an hour or two...very nervous but hopefully it will go ok.
Therapy appt 9/3/2020: Updated her on how telling my bf went and how things have gone so far with that. We talked about how he wants to keep trying things, and I kept coming back to the idea of giving him closure. She said something about how closure is actually a myth in a lot of ways - it's rarely going to be possible to get some kind of perfect ending. I hadn't thought of this before but it made a lot of sense. Even if he and I try hanging out in a not-long-distance way and confirm that the relationship still won't work out, getting that little bit of closure won't make it easier for him to get over being in love with me. It will never feel like the relationship ended in some kind of nice and complete way. We also talked a little about me coming out to my dad (specifically I've been trying to figure out if I want my mom to be there or if I want it to be just me and my dad - she gave me some ideas to figure out if my mom would be able to be an effective emotional support in that conversation)
Therapy appt 9/15/2020: I asked her about how my bf and I should handle the whole disconnecting vs staying close through the breakup process, and she agreed with what we were thinking - that we should continue to not necessarily disconnect yet - and also said that I might have to eventually be the one to say we need to (rather than leaving that choice to my bf). I also updated her on where things are at with him in general. We talked about coming out to my dad some more, which I need to do soon (I think I want to do it with just him and I btw and not have my mom there).
Coming out to my bf
I told my bf I’m gay on Thursday the 27th. He was not too surprised (I mean this explains a lot of things about our relationship, particularly my side of it). He's...not doing great. It's pretty much how I expected - he's 100% accepting but also just very very sad. He says he feels like he's mourning as if I had died or something. He's called me while crying a bunch of times, he wasn't able to eat for the first couple of days after I told him (he's already not great about eating), and overall is just having an extremely hard time. It's hard to know what to say to him or how to comfort him - apart from bring a literal different person there's really nothing I can say or do. I think we've finally broken up (I’m like 99% sure - we haven't technically said the words "we're breaking up" and it’s just sort of been a process, so it’s hard to tell when exactly it was official). For a while we were actually discussing the possibility of continuing to try making our relationship work bc of our connection and how much we care about each other. Obviously I already knew that I don't want that, but I've had a lot of time to think about it while this is still new for him, so we've been taking the decision slow and I was trying to let him take as much time as he needs to process things. At this point we're trying to figure out how much we can be friends right now. A couple of days ago he was actually visiting and we hung out, and at the end of Saturday he got really depressed. Basically we had decided that we just need to disconnect from each other for a while bc if we don't he'll probably never be able to move on. But that's really hard bc neither of us really have any close friends apart from each other, so we'd kind of still been talking. It's just really hard to imagine not being in each other's lives. For now we’re still talking, just not as much (it’s a little weird for me to just ramble on about work and school or whatever like I usually do while he’s on the other end of the phone just like. dying inside.) The plan for now is to sort of play it by ear and keep checking in on how he’s doing - eventually we’ll probably have to disconnect from each other more than this but for now we’re not going to just abruptly cut off contact with each other.Â
Hi! I found your blog some time ago when you were just starting it and now I've found it again and I'm glad you are doing better❤️(at least I feel like you're doing better)
Hi there! Things are definitely better in that I’ve figured myself out more. Tbh it’s a little rough right now as I’m working through breaking up with my bf and coming out to my family (dreading the eventual convo with my dad), but I’m excited to finally be able to live authentically. Thanks for checking in friend <3 <3 <3
Therapy appt 8/25/20: Pretty much just talked about some more stuff with coming out to my mom (which I will hopefully make a post about at some point) and also coming out to my bf. Today is actually our anniversary, so mayyybe not the best day for it? I’m planning on telling him tomorrow.Â
Edit: whoops thought I posted this but apparently saved it to drafts. I did tell him, which I will make a post about (hopefully soon)