Ramos’ limbic system

The limbic system is the part of the brain responsible for emotions.

[ramos-limbic-system]

there are no filters here, especially for ramos. ramos just cries out here about all his problems, regardless of what they might be. no warnings will be provided, they will be explicit, and no, this is not for attention. if you’re here, you’re here because you want to be. read the stuff if you want, if you’re here from ramos’ main blog, you must’ve read the warnings beforehand. if not, be aware that a lot of paranoia, trauma/ptsd, chronic health, substance abuse, and really explicit things will be spoken of.

[ramos-limbic-system]

I can’t get a relationship I just I physically cannot. I have too much to do. I have too much to worry about. I need too much. It’s too much work. I can’t do it. I cannot be in a relationship right now. It’s too much. I cannot. That’s too much stress for both parties. I can’t do it.

[ramos-limbic-system]

“Wow [Character/Person] is so much like me/im so much like them!” No you might . yall might be one body actually

[ramos-limbic-system]

whyyyyy do I feel like there’s more than me in my body. there’s Isabella, there’s Bella, then there’s Ramos. “But that’s the same thing, it’s just your deadname, deadname shortened, and part of your last name!” They don’t feel the same, and when I go by them, I don’t feel or act the same. As Ramos, I can’t tell you how I really act. As Isabella, I can’t tell you how I really act. Why? I can’t fucking remember. I don’t want to make assumptions either, but I’ve had multiple doctors tell me and my family since I was roughly 6-8 yrs of age that I could have some kind of personality disorder. I want to keep track of how the fuck I do this, but I can’t remember and don’t want to form something that isn’t there. Ughhhhhhhhhhh

[ramos-limbic-system]

and the way my body feels connected to so many icons and media and figures and people like what. why are you doing that. no stay in there.

[ramos-limbic-system]

whyyyyy do I feel like there’s more than me in my body. there’s Isabella, there’s Bella, then there’s Ramos. “But that’s the same thing, it’s just your deadname, deadname shortened, and part of your last name!” They don’t feel the same, and when I go by them, I don’t feel or act the same. As Ramos, I can’t tell you how I really act. As Isabella, I can’t tell you how I really act. Why? I can’t fucking remember. I don’t want to make assumptions either, but I’ve had multiple doctors tell me and my family since I was roughly 6-8 yrs of age that I could have some kind of personality disorder. I want to keep track of how the fuck I do this, but I can’t remember and don’t want to form something that isn’t there. Ughhhhhhhhhhh

[ramos-limbic-system]

“Yeah you’re starting to get back into that cycle you did in 2021” oh that cycle where you treated me like shit more than anyone else? That cycle where I broke down in front of you and showed you how much I’d been cutting myself, just for you to send me off to get doped? You mean that cycle? The cycle where the only things I could do were starve and cut myself to get through the numbness I constantly felt by the hands and throat of you? That cycle where I stayed in my room for hours just rotting into my mattress because I felt so goddamn filthy by your words alone even though I was busting my ass to make sure things were okay at home, even if that meant I suffered academically?

In just a few days I’ll reach my five year streak of not cutting myself, which I’m pretty damn proud of. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t found others way to substitute that constant pain and brain static. yeah I’ll masturbate until it hurts, yeah I’ll binge watch hardcore porn until my eyes grow tired or my battery dies, yeah I’ll smoke and vape until I choke and ppuke, yeah I’ll get myself hurt on purpose doing dumb shit, yeah I’ll pass out in the shower or on the toilet from overexerting myself because these things are the only way I know there’s more to feel than what I constantly already feel.

No no don’t worry about me, I’m doing great, really. Just let me take care of myself like yall have made me do for the last seven years, let me find my own ways to get my shit done and then you can yell at me for it afterwards. Just let me tell you about the mental turmoil I’ve been stuck in for months now just for you to suggest even more medication for me to take. I’m so fucking sick of taking medicine. I think I’d rather pop random pills again than take prescribed bullshit that doesn’t do anything but make me worse.

if I’m not in pain then what the fuck else am I supposed feel, huh? I don’t feel human I don’t feel real if I don’t feel pain. I live for the shit, I live for the scars and the aches and all of it.

[ramos-limbic-system]

wow ok yeah we made up (air quotes) but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget how you grew irritated and pissy with me for nothing. I didn’t plan on being gone that long and if it was such an issue you could’ve easily drove less than five minutes from this hole to get me and bring me back. but no let’s make shit worse for me because if YOU’RE the one suffering because you ran out of dope ir took too much it’s OUR fault. WHAT THE FUCK EVER MAN. I hope staying out late and leaving your kids and husband at home while you come home ~2am makes you feel better, makes the high better. fuck you fucking cunt

[ramos-limbic-system]

I miss my prednisone. I hate taking it but it’s the only thing that gets this shit condition under control.

[ramos-limbic-system]

I’m aware this song is about an unstable and unhealthy relationship, as the narrative party wants gentleness but has an unpredictable partner. I also know this song is popular on social media (specifically TikTok from what I know) and all that, but I genuinely haven’t felt more connected to a song than I have this one in a long while. It seems all I’ve ever really known is unstable relationships, no matter the type of relationship. Lately I’ve been struggling with familial relationships, which is nothing out of the ordinary for me, but it’s been a lot rougher recently. This song makes me feel like the lyrics capture my feelings completely, such as the line “There’s nowhere to go, but on”? I have nowhere to go if it isn’t immediate family, and even then am I unsafe from threats or proper protection from the true horror I have no choice but to live with for the moment. Things will change soon for me, that I am sure of.

[farbeyondthetrndkill]

lupus flare be DAMNED IM GONNA (constant nausea) (high fever causing profuse sweating) (pain from old injuries worsening) (intense brain fog) (severe insomnia) (worsened anemia due to oversleeping) (constant emotional distress) ill be damned nevermind I guess I won’t

[ramos-limbic-system]

why try to stay sober when i’m dying here?

[ramos-limbic-system]

ew stop no I don’t want to listen to their yells again Lord please I just want to sleep

[ramos-limbic-system]

I know I spoke positively on my main about watching “Whiplash” for the first time and how uplifting it was; it also struck a heavy chord deep within me.

I put myself through so much pain and suffering constantly to be the best I know I am in my schoolwork and music career, yet it doesn’t get me very far other than being burnt out. Not to mention the lack of support I have.

I play baritone in my school’s band, and I hold myself to a high standard in which I can be better than my peers. If I’m as good as they are, then what kind of low brass section are we? A mediocre one. I don’t stand for mediocrity. If we’re gonna be an award-winning, top of our division band, everyone’s gotta put in their ten cents. I’m petrified. I’m expected to be the section leader of the baritones as I’ll be the oldest one, but I’ve heard talk I could be the overall low brass section leader.

It scares the piss out of me. It thrills me. It makes me nauseous. It makes the hair on my arms stand on end. It’s a mix of feelings. I know I can do it since I know my materials, I know my notes and how a marching baritone is to be held, marching fundamentals, reading sheet music, and all that mess. I’m more worried about my temper. I’ve snapped at so many of my band peers during practices because they all wanna fuck around, not paying attention or putting in their full effort. I missed maybe two or three practices this past season because of illness, but I made up for it and I was still one of the best out there. Even if I didn’t get an award at our end of season celebration, I don’t give a shit because the best reward I gained at the end was a torn bicep, lumbar spine pain, and countless busted lips. All that pain amount to something. It’s all a result of the large sum of work and motivation I’ve put into myself even when I woke up early for a competition after only getting half an hour of sleep, still getting up in the morning after failing an overdose attempt to go to school then a football game over an hour away after the long day.

all I want in end is to be recognized for my actual work than my mistakes, and if that means I have to bust my ass way more to get that light, to stand out in my section above the other good players, regardless of the result, then so be it. I’ve been doing this for me and for me alone, and now that I’m practically on my own after removing multiple people from my life that are also in my school’s band, that’s all that fucking matters. getting school done, and focusing on band. other motherfuckers can put in the bare minimum that’s required to pass, and they pass with exceedingly good grades. I stay up late countless nights (such as tonight) to get work done and put in a shit ton of effort and muster up a shit ton of confidence and motivation, and the most I get is a passing grade. teachers don’t wanna help me when I need it, I find my own source of help.

I’ve learned over the years that I’m my biggest supporter, no matter what the support may be for. shoutout that movie for highlighting just how far obsession can take you, because that’s the shithole I’ve been stuck in for the past three years. And I’ve barely gotten anywhere.

[ramos-limbic-system]

unfortunately my comfort/no comfort movie was removed from Netflix so now I have to pay other sources to watch it :ccc

going back to this situation: we’ve started going over our marching music and now they’re be a rough estimate of 5-6 baritones on the field (including me). apparently the music was split in two parts (low brass 1 + low brass 2) and our self-proclaimed section leader got part 1.

I have nothing against the guy bc he is one of my friends but it does bother me how he thinks he’s the best and the only good player in our section. he asked what part I got for our warmup music and I got 2 and he was like “oh well I got 1 (snickering)” and it honestly made my chest hurt. im also best friends with his girlfriend which she’s a sweetheart and plays the same instrument I do but she’s on guitar this season.

regardless, I feel it’s a bit unfair that my director gave someone who isn’t very responsible and cooperative probably one of the most important parts of the music instead of someone who pushes and motivates others to do better and helps support them while also busting their ass to be the best they can possibly be. I’ve thought about talking to my director about it since he’s pushed me before to compete for things in band but I don’t want any unnecessary drama for me and my friends because I’ve got enough drama in band anyway due to people I used to know/talk to.

[ramos-limbic-system]

when the facial/body dysmorphia is so bad you can’t recognize yourself at any angle in a mirror or picture

[farbeyondthetrndkill]

yay im gonna get my ass beat bc im sick and been sick all week and no one in my house believes me and blames it on technology as to why I wake up late but what’s new

[ramos-limbic-system]

why do I get in trouble/lightly scolded for being sick and telling a parent that I don’t feel comfortable going to my in-person classes ?? a little help would be appreciated instead of you interrogating if I’ve gotten up or done anything like sorry im not a speed freak like yall but no when yall are sick then I have to suck it up and take care of you

[ramos-limbic-system]

I know this song is about a toxic relationship and similar things but (up until the bridge) it makes me think of the very weak and shattering relationship between me and my mom

We’ve never really gotten along all my life; she wasn’t around much when I was a tot bc she had to work and raise a kid by herself, so I was always with my maternal or paternal grandparents or a babysitter. she worked multiple jobs at once and of course would get home late at night and never spend much time as she wanted with me. it’s understandable now that I’m older, and I can’t remember over 90% of my childhood bc of all the shit I had to witness. Not just watching what she went through, not just because of what I had to survive, but also what she did to me.

We don’t have very good communication, we can’t understand each other no matter the amount of times we’ve tried, and honestly, I don’t have a lot of hope that that’s gonna change. She’s been trying to fix things by actually trying to communicate, but I just can’t get used to it. At all. I still can’t trust her, I don’t feel comfortable with her, and it breaks my heart because she’s tried to fix things while also repeating the same mistakes, I don’t even know if I can call them mistakes anymore when she knows well what she’s doing and is doing nothing to fix it except act in hostility. She takes things as personal immediately when anyone confronts her or tries to correct her, and then once she’s made someone mad she tries to apologize and make up for it instead of fixing it.

I’ve explained to her so many times that I’d rather things change instead of an apology, going as far as saying straight up “I don’t want anymore apologies. I just want it to stop.” It isn’t gonna stop, though. It hasn’t for the last eleven years

[ramos-limbic-system]

ow back hurt again ow it hasn’t hurt this bad in a long time ow it’s not even my fault I don’t think

I had to ride uncomfortably pressed against the window of our band bus to our competition Monday and of course since we can’t change our seating chart I had to sit next to this person like before (which I’ve grown to greatly dislike) who gave me little to no room to get comfortable. coming back from the comp, I sat on the open side and was as stiff as a board as the other was leaned cozily against the window.

Might I add that the other damn near had a heart attack bc they drank a monster before the bus ride, two Dr Pepper cans on the bus, AND FHEN WAS LEAVING WITH ANOTHER MONSTER ONCE WE RETURNED TO SCHOOL. I only had a small redbull and can of root beer, I’m not that crazy over fucking caffeine although I do enjoy it.

I told my mom that my back has been getting bad again. “You haven’t complained about your back in a while?” ‘Yeah, because I’m tired of complaining about it.’ Nothing. Not a thing. Just a shrug and hum and she walked away. When mt back first started hurting me to the point I had leg spasms and could barely walk, my dad immediately wanted to take me to the doctor because he knew something was seriously wrong, and it wasn’t because of lack of exercise. Mom said take ibuprofen and put ice packs and heating pads on it, you’ll be fine. Has a nursing license. Dad worked in sports medicine and was a coach practically my whole life.

I feel a bit bad for being upset at this person as they were probably unaware, but anytime I express/would express genuine discomfort or pain in something like that, I’m completely blown off and ridiculed. “You always have something to complain about!” “You’re always in pain/always hurt!” Yeah it’s called chronic illness and improper healing of past injuries, you know this and don’t even try to say you don’t remember that bc if you can’t remember THAT then how the hell are you poking my ribs about me being in pain? Bullshit

I’ve gotten shit sleep this week so far and missed my band class yesterday and today bc of the pain. this person also seems to think we’re still friends even though I’ve blocked and removed this person (along with many others) from any and all social media I had them added on. I can only be so subtle until I snap and hurt your feelings.