“Does Alice just train you two, or are there any other ice skaters who get trained by her?”
We are the only senior pair. The only pair at all. The other senior skaters left or retired or moved to different rink with the better Zamboni. Alice has junior skaters also. Young ones. Very young. They are sticky. I do not know why children are sticky. It is not jam season. There is no jam at the rink. But they are sticky anyway. Alice said I am not allowed to talk to juniors anymore. The child asked me a question and I answered honestly and then there were tears. I do not understand why honesty produces tears. But it does. Consistently. So now I wave. That is all I am permitted. I wave at the sticky juniors from across the ice and they wave back and everyone is safe. This is fine. I did not want to talk to juniors. Alice is correct.
There is the hockey player also. Not trained by Alice. But always in the rink. Always using Misha's shampoo. Misha knows who he is.
i have SUSPICIONS. i don't KNOW. there's a difference. there is an epistemological gap. i am living in the gap.
You know because his hair smells like your blue toning shampoo. The expensive one. The one you complain about running out. The one you buy from specialty store in Mile End.
his hair smells VERY good and also maybe like my shampoo but that doesn't prove anything. lots of people use toning products. it's a very popular category. also he's blond. naturally blond. i can tell because his roots are cool-toned, maybe a level eight or nine. the ends have this faint green cast but that could be from anything. pool water. a bad dye job. maybe he bought his own toner and got the wrong one. purple cancels yellow, that's what blonds should use. blue cancels orange, that's what i need—i'm brunette, mostly, the parts that aren't dyed. and the blue part underneath, the blue shampoo keeps it from going green too. it's a two-in-one situation. which is ironic because blue shampoo on blond hair is exactly what turns it green. which his hair is. slightly. at the ends. but that doesn't mean he's using mine. it's a very common mistake. lots of blonds buy the wrong toner. it's practically an epidemic. probably.
You said the bottle was disappearing faster than you could use it. You said maybe there is ghost. Shampoo ghost. I said there is no ghost. There is hockey player.
maybe i'm using more than i think. maybe the bottle has a leak. maybe the atmospheric pressure in the locker room is affecting the viscosity. maybe the ghost is real and the ghost has green hair and we should be investigating paranormal activity instead of accusing teenagers—maybe i should just leave an anonymous note. hypothetically. a note about toner. with no return address. that's normal.
You diagnosed his undertone situation. From across the rink. This is not investigation. This is attention.
it's an investigation that REQUIRES ATTENTION. that's how investigations work. i'm detail-oriented. alice says so. she puts it in my training notes. "mikhail is detail-oriented." this is a professional strength.
You are not detail-oriented about my undertones.
your undertones are fine. neutral. there's nothing to investigate. your hair has never once looked green. you are not part of the investigation.
You are protecting him because he said your catch camel was good.
he said it was sick. he said my catch camel was sick. and that's not—that's not relevant. to the shampoo. that's a separate data point. it's not a—i don't have a—it's not a crush.
you didn't have to. you implied it. with your face. your judgy silence. your everything.
I was only going to say you are easily bought. One compliment from teenager and you give away your expensive hair products. This is not crush. This is poor financial boundaries.
But now you have said crush. And you are worried about things I did not accuse you of.
i'm not worried. he's nineteen. i'm twenty-nine. that's exactly a decade. the prefrontal cortex isn't done developing until twenty-five. i read that in a pamphlet. in the clinic. it was about adolescent risk-taking and substance use but the principle applies. i am being developmentally appropriate about a colleague who happens to have nice hair and good taste in camel spin appreciation. this is not a crush. this is me being responsible.
You are interested. In hockey boy with the wrong toner.
i hate this conversation. i hate this rink. it's raining. i'm leaving.
You are not leaving. You have ice time in twenty minutes. He will be there. With his green-tinted temples and your blue shampoo. You can investigate further. Forensically.
STOP USING HIS NAME. YOU'RE MAKING IT WEIRD.
I have not used his name.
YOU KNOW IT. CLAUDE TOLD YOU. CLAUDE TELLS YOU EVERYTHING. I KNOW YOU KNOW.
OKAY. FINE. MATHIEU. THE HOCKEY PLAYER WITH THE GREEN-TINTED TEMPLES AND THE GOOD CATCH CAMEL OPINIONS AND MY VERY EXPENSIVE BLUE SHAMPOO THAT IS MEANT FOR BRUNETTES. MATHIEU. ARE YOU HAPPY.
i'm going to the rink. i'm not talking to you for the rest of the day.
You will talk to Mathieu.
I WILL NOT TALK TO MATHIEU. I WILL SKATE IN SILENCE. ALONE. WITH MY CATCH CAMEL. WHICH IS SICK. ACCORDING TO SOME PEOPLE. WHO I AM NOT TALKING TO.
Alice banned me from talking to juniors because I made one cry. You are leaving anonymous haircare notes for a junior. With no return address. This is worse. Maybe Alice should ban you also.
HE'S A HOCKEY PLAYER. HOCKEY JUNIOR IS DIFFERENT FROM SKATING JUNIOR. THE CATEGORIES DON'T TRANSFER. ALSO I'M NOT LEAVING NOTES. I'M CONSIDERING NOTES. HYPOTHETICALLY.
You researched his brain development. You told me his brain is not finished. You researched this. For investigation.
I KNOW. I KNOW I HAVE NO DEFENSE. I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I’M THROWING MYSELF INTO THE BOARDS. TELL JUN HIS LEGACY CONTINUES. TELL ALICE I DIED DOING WHAT I LOVED. BEING TORMENTED BY MY OWN PARTNER.
I will tell her you died of shampoo. And poor boundaries. And nineteen-year-old with green hair. She will understand.
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