This Summer is Shit
Nothing good happened all summer. Chance breaks his leg, and then I have to be his mom and pay for all his living expenses. And nobody ever helps me. Everyone at one job quits and the skeleton crew that’s left tries to guilt trip me into working all the time, but it’s not my fault. They’re the ones who drove everyone away, and I have my own life to deal with. But they keep hiring shitty people who don’t do what I tell them to, and question everything I say, and go slow as fuck, and generally retarded and exasperating. I hate going to work anymore. I even quit looking at the schedule to see who I am with because it just depresses me all week, so now I wait until I get there so I’m only depressed for that day. And my favorite boss at my other job quit and moved to Oshkosh to teach all the highschoolers biology when he was supposed to stay at the library forever and ever and nerd out with me about all sorts of cool science shit. I don’t know anyone else who knows that much about science and likes it, everyone else just bitches about it all the time and it makes me sad. Then they hire a whole bunch of freshman girls, and they’re the ones I have to work with instead of my friends. So much for learning Spanish and not wanting to shoot myself in the face. And my car died, although that’s not exactly the worst thing bc I fucking hated that car. But now I feel bad because I’m borrowing my parents car again and they’re always hinting at when are you going to get a car? and so on. And I went home lots this summer, which would be okay because my siblings are finally at fun ages and they like to do stuff with me, but it depresses the fuck out of me to see my parents getting old and even frailer than they were before and my dad is super uber depressed, more than I’ve ever seen him, even more than the year most of his calves died from rotavirus and that other nasty thing. And it makes me feel awful that I can’t be there to help them more often. And it reminds me that I haven’t even seen my niece and she’s almost a year old and I am a really shitty aunt and sister and family member in general.
But most of all, I have been so lonely this year. When Sara was gone all summer, I only had Chance and Jaime to hang out with and Chance was in a drug/pain coma most of the time and Jaime is always always working. I felt like no one ever listened to a word that I said, like no one cared about how I felt, like no one ever acknowledged anything that I liked or momentarily cared about until everyones’ complete lack of interest made me realize that it doesn’t fucking matter what I care about because no one else will ever like it. I spent all summer trying to do things with Chance that he likes - I learned Magic for him, and he won’t even play it with me now because I suck at it because I’m new. I try to read Dragonball so that I’ll understand his references and stuff and he’s just concerned that I’m going to “pass him.” I try to make friends with all his stupid asinine coworkers that he loves more than me so that maybe, just maybe I can see him sometime, but it doesn’t matter because I’m pretty sure he hates me now and will never be seen in public with me again. He never takes me anywhere with him, or goes anywhere with me. He never does anything he promises to, like taking the hookah out to Cottonmill again, or going on walks with me, or showering. He takes zero interest in my life, so I quit telling him about it, and now we just sit in silence all the time. I don’t know what to do because I have put everything I have into this relationship, but he’s only my boyfriend when it’s convenient for him. Which is apparently never. And it just makes me really sad and when I’m sad he just ignores me even harder. I don’t know what to do.
And then the last straw was my moonflower. I planted it on my birthday in the backyard. I trained it to grow up the side of the porch, and I told everyone about it - how it was going to grow possibly 8 feet tall, have flowers as big as a plate, it only flowers at night, it’s poisonous - and it was just taller than me, when Devon dug it out of the ground. He said I didn’t tell him about it. I told people in the fucking Netherlands about that goddamn vine I was so fucking proud of it. Every other one of my roommates was watching it grow with me, we’d marvel at its extreme growth rate every day we went outside and it was like half a foot taller. He says it looks like bindweed, and I swear to God if one more person tells me a plant looks like another plant I will fucking stab them. I am tired of the stupidity and ignorance I am surrounded by. So now the one, the only good thing that has come out of this summer is ruined, and now it is truly a shitty summer. And it seems like Devon is constantly trying to make my life hell - he puts his shit in my room all the time, always yells at me that it’s not my room, because I don’t sleep in it (despite literally all of my shit being in it), piles shit in front of my bike so it’s a giant pain to get out in the morning, eats my food, never cleans anything even though he’s filthy, encourages his dog to torture me, and never says anything to me except BY YELLING, USUALLY OVER ME SO THAT I CAN’T SAY A GODDAMN THING TO DEFEND MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN’T TALK THAT LOUD. He throws huge parties that trash my kitchen and bathroom - I call them mine because I am the only person who cleans them, which I have to do all the time because of his stupid huge parties full of people who won’t talk to me or respect my property. And also I have always hated him because he’s dumb and thinks he’s not.
Plus now I’m back in school and yet everyone thinks that I have years of free time. None of my teachers seem to like me. Most of my classes are really boring, even tho I chose them not to be. All of my bosses try to get me to work more. My family is all like, why aren’t you coming to see us more often. My boyfriend is like, nothing, because he’s never here and when he is he doesn’t talk to me. My friends are all like, nothing, bc they are all busy too. I just, it seems like things will never stop sucking. I wonder if anything good will ever happen to me again and that’s a really depressing thing to wonder, but it’s been so long since anything that wasn’t completely horrible has happened to me. And it just really sucks. I don’t wanna get up in the morning anymore because I just don’t wanna see how today will be the newest worst day of my life, but it’s not like anyone cares so I keep getting up even though I just wanna die already. I hate everything about being alive.