Literary Conveyance of Mental "Un"Stability

I have a passion for writing prose(?) to describe my emotions, while transforming them into a landscape that will (hopefully) make those thoughts and feeling that much more vivid and entrancing. I hope any who read these entries will actually be taken away to these places I'm creating. And though this is merely just an outlet for me, it is still artwork to me, and like any other person, I have an ego and it enjoys being fed, so please do comment and encourage me to grow in my abilities and bring forth more of that which is locked away inside...... thank you! users online

[randym-order]

Fibonacci

Confusion in the chain of fire amongst synapses causes the inevitable failure to conform in comfort.

Thoughts coalescing into the indecipherable all knowing form of sense brought forth by madness. 

Lost wandering in painful wonder amongst the blur to Elsewhere.

These actless thoughts bring forth a distant quivering climax whose radiant enveloping bloom has yet to be attained.

This ache is gnawing at my sanity, stretching my resolve thin.

(a) Being born on the threshold, never to be allowed in is a pain filled thing 

[randym-order]

Consumption

Sitting on my pedestal of self pity in this hall of broken dreams, I contemplate. I constantly find myself in this place of stagnation and defeat. This was once a grand hall built to display accomplishments. Allowing fleeting glimpses of the joyous and vibrant dreams that were yet to be realized. Built buy my hands and filled with my mind.

That would explain the destitute nature of this place. Haggard, lacking of color and life. Broken and abandoned. I struggle to find the motivation to continue down this futile road. I see no point of attaining wealth, other than to wallow infinitely.

My soul and mind are screaming for both release and a companion. There is nothing for me. I have no wants at this point, other than reciprocated compassion. Love.

I don’t sense much urgency to join the rat race again. Mindless tedium, tarnished baubles and the entirely misconstrued need of the consumer. I know God must feel as crazy as I, watching all of this. I want to rage and thrash, but I’ll sit just here.

[randym-order]

I Know it's Here

  All of these doors leading to nothing but compartments of broken memories. Hallways of neglect leading to corridors of abandonment. Rotten walls sagging with their own pregnant weight, no longer wanting to hold up false dreams in this forgotten place. The only thing I can find thriving is decay. But I can sense its heart beating somewhere.

  I can hear its moans. But it's so hard to track their source, since they call from within as well as from around. The scratching of nails against a distant door blends with those in my skull. I must continue searching though. My only hope is to find and nourish it before I die. If I don't find my soul and sanity soon, all hope will be lost. But I know it's here somewhere, alive, it has to be...

[randym-order]

There is an emptiness and pain inside of me ebbing and flowing, washing away my hope and replacing it with despair. I know I'm a good person, I have compassion and give my time and effort as best I can to those in need. I go to work as much as possible, even though the small pay and few hours I receive are not the best of motivators. I have been taking fairly good care of myself. Even though I am still smoking and the depression makes it hard to eat sometimes. Foods taste bland and my stomach feels as though it wants nothing to do with its only function in life.I have been doing incredibly well at staying positive. Its a very easy thing, keeping a smile on your face, when you are around others, entertaining and making jokes. Its those countless hours of solitude that are the real killer for me. Sitting there staring blankly, trapped in my head wishing for a companion to lay next to, some one to hold and be held back. At the same time unsure if you want to be that vulnerable. Not wanting to open yourself up to the possibility of being emotionally eviscerated again. Confusion, pain and determination that is constantly waxing and waning, a gradual loss of hope being the apparent trend. All I know is that I've been here before, triumphed and I will do so again this time, and the next. I have developed the skills needed to see myself through almost any ordeal, I am a strong person. Though this doesn't make the pain go away, it helps me remember that it does get better...

[randym-order]

I Am

     I feel like a planet floating through this inextricable existence, constantly coming in close proximity with other life harboring habitats. Nourishing their own world of emotions, thoughts fleeting across the landscapes inside of themselves. Barely visible through the thick fog veiling the atmosphere to hide on-goings from outsiders. We traveled different paths to the same vague point, dragged and pulled by some unseen, outward force. I used to worry about collision with these beings as they passed by, afraid they might destroy all that has been built and propagated to further intelligence and investigation. Sometimes scared those investigations would be met with rejection or violent repercussions. 

     I no longer worry about whats going to happen. Now I look forward to fate, relishing the unknown. Confident that I will triumphantly overcome everything it can hope to bring against me. I will never bend both knees to the ground again as life is thrown at me in the truck load. I will persist and prevail. All these are just challenges to overcome, showing my true strength. I have been forged one strike at a time and tempered in flames that most will never comprehend, if I even grace them with the knowledge.

     I feel like a planet. Bright skies that look into the depths of what surrounds me. Billowing clouds consisting of dreams and ambitions fill those same skies, as well as vast tempests that show my determination and fierceness. Life growing on my nourishing soils, taking in the air that I breath into lungs sustaining them. Drinking the water of my blood. Surrounded by the infinite and ever changing  beauty of my skin. Below that skin lays my bedrock, my foundation for all that is. My morals, ethics, standards, philosophies. The belief system I abide by. It is unbreakable. Any who tried have found only desperation, frustration and defeat. But I am still changing, the bedrock moved by my core, my heart and soul. It is made of a flame that will never extinguish, one that has already burned through my weaknesses. Hardening skin and bedrock in the process.

     I have found myself and ask, no, demand that you test my will. I am only moving one direction now and dare you to stand in my way. Exhilarated by this feeling of not knowing. I no longer hold any inhibitions, express no hesitations. Give me the test and see if you pass. I have found myself. I am moving forward and nothing can stop me. 

[innerexpression-blog]

[randym-order]

innerexpression:

If you love poetry you should watch this, this man is amazing I haven’t watched this in a while but watching it again is like the first time

Buddy Wakefiled - Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars

I had to reblog this so it will never be forgotten....

[randym-order]

I just accidentally discovered a photography project I want to do. I was walking back to my room after grabbing a soda and noticed a bright spot on the wall behind my wife's snow-globe, it was an upside-down image of the area behind our apartment. The bright light rays were going into the globe and reflecting themselves off the contours to sit upside-down on the wall of our dim apartment. I think it would be a fun and interesting project to take snow-globes and other see-through spherical objects and arrange scenery in-front of them with heavy light on them and then take a picture of the object itself with the image behind them. Sorry about the quality, this was taken with my phone. Also playing with the angles is crazy hard. I tried to turn it so I could get an almost straight on photo of the globe so it appeared to be the subject but the image distorted too much. what do you think?

[randym-order]

Artistic Integrity?

[tumblrisforlulz]

[randym-order]

I think this might be a forever reblog, I LOL'd till I cried. xD

[ghettoglam-deactivated20140208]

[randym-order]

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.......

[moon-muse]

[randym-order]

the-girl-you-knew:

takeawaylove:

Marriage From A Kid’s Perspective

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.– Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10   3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8 

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON

Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10   6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – - Howard, age 8   7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? — Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is…

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. — Ricky, age 10, way to go Ricky

aww this is so adorable :3

hmmmmm......

[randym-order]

Termoil

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Working furiously to make it up the steep, curving incline of the hill before me. The euphoric feeling of the adrenaline and oxygen coursing through my veins and elevating my body to a state it rarely experiences. Cresting the hill and making a right onto the wooded path leading through woods behind homes of sleeping families. Literally pedaling at breakneck speeds, because if I forget the layout of this path that I'm traversing by memory, I will probably go head first into a tree.

I make it to my spot over looking the valley which this town is nestled in at the lakes side. With Bellevue in sight and Seattle beyond that. A soothing, awe laced feeling over takes me. Taking in these beautiful sights of cities, humans and nature at rest. Emotions of serenity as well as frustration overtake me. The serenity of observing another's reverie. Frustration due to being unable to attain that same sense of peace, due to the sadness and hopelessness that is instilled by the constant turmoils in my life.

All of these conflicting emotions boiling together, trying to overtake each other. Until they percolate and force their way out of my mouth in the form of a soul splitting roar. Once again finished with my personal therapy I begin to work my way through woods again to find the way home to my family so I can begin another day emotionally renewed and hopefully, this night, rested.

[randym-order]

The frustration of constantly trying to move forward to no avail. Each change in direction met with heavy resistance until the confinement begins to feel like a prison cell. Only you, six slabs of cold uncaring mass and the tiny enclosure of your mind, straining so hard to keep all of the chaos surrounding you organized and trapped inside. But slowly the realization sets in that this is all to much. Pain sinks in from constant pursuit of the order that always seems to be hovering just outside your reach. Then the madness sets in as all of those emotions begin to burst forth from the apparently inadequate box they have been confined to as they are continually compounded upon each other. The fires of their critical masses enveloping you, consuming you from the outside in. Giving you time to think once more about just how much you seem to have failed yet again. Devouring your feelings and soul.......

[randym-order]

I want these broken shards

To be ground to dust

So I can float away on the wind.....

[randym-order]

Irony

I think people forgot this site is for self expression and not conformity, how sad.....

[unchartedlust]

“Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public.”

Paulo Coelho (via zenofblogging)

Writers do it in ink with strokes?

[randym-order]

A Thought

Are you still out there?

Nearby and watching?

Can you hear my pain and smell my misery?

When will this state of being be remedied?

When do I get to come home?