trying my best

24 | she/her | corporate lawyer | India

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[inkskinned]

you get used to it, but it's tiring, because they need you to understand your own life as a series of goalposts. what college are you going to, what's your major going to be, whatcha gonna do with that, oh where will you settle down, when can i expect grandkids.

for the longest time my goals have been so blurry that they track into each other, their undefined edges slipping quietly back into the soft night. today i want to be a writer; tomorrow i will want to be a doctor, later i will wish i took that law school free ride. how the fuck do people just know what they want to do with their life?

where do you want to be in five years? i want to be alive; which is a huge step for me. ten years ago i would have said i want to be asleep and meant i hope that i'm dead by then.

but i want a yellow kitchen and a stand mixer. i want a garden and a fruit tree (cherry, if i can make that happen) and a big yard for my dogs to play in. i want to come home and read poetry out loud to someone and have them close their eyes to listen. i want a summer watergun fight. i want to make snowmen. i want to be the house to go to for halloween. i want my life to settle around me in a softness, for it to lay down gently. if i am very, very, very lucky, i want to travel; finally go someplace overseas.

of course i don't know what i want to be doing professionally. what i actually want to be doing is curling up beside my dog, settling in to read. i want to be making myself a cup of good coffee.

i can't answer the other questions. whenever people asked me what do you want to be when you grow up, i used to say i hope i'm happy.

i hope i'm still kind, five years from now. i hope i never get jaded and mean. i hope i have stayed in therapy. what do you picture yourself doing? when will you actually be an adult about this? why are you so afraid of being ambitious?

am i not ambitious? the other day i rearranged my furniture which doesn't quite fit into my apartment. i watered my plants. i'm going to try to propagate a cherry seed. my five year goal is to spend more time laughing. to lie down in a patch of sunwarm moss. to relax for a minute. to close my eyes and think oh thank god. this is why i stayed. this is finally it.

[anxietyproblem]

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I'm a lawyer now

I'm stuck in a cubicle with my name on it. I fill my timesheet daily. I got my first paycheck and I used it to get an anxiety diagnosis.

I'm a lawyer now.

I see my co-workers quit so often that farewell parties are commonplace. The NVCA model documents have burnt their way into my retinas. I am made of alarms and notifications.

I'm a lawyer now. Is this what I fought so hard for?

[rantylawblr]

I quit my job and I'm moving to a new city to start with a tier 1 firm in June! I genuinely didn't realise how bad my workplace was.

I started my ADHD medication and I'm finally happy with my brain. It gets better.

[rantylawblr]

How did you decide between litigation and corporate?

Currently at a crossroad and i find litigation terrifying but interesting and corporate feels suffocating but secure...

Frankly i always knew I was going to do corp.

I didn't have the connections needed to go into litigation, nor could I afford to not earn in the initial few years of my career.

Corporate is the ideal path for someone who has no connections. If you find litigation interesting, you can try going for disputes teams in firms.

Otherwise, if you're passionate about litigation, be mentally prepared to not earn more than 10-20k per month in the first two years. Unless you're in a financial position where you can take that risk, I'd suggest against litigation.

These are of course my personal opinions, and your decision has to be tailored to your circumstances.

[rantylawblr]

I'm a lawyer now

I'm stuck in a cubicle with my name on it. I fill my timesheet daily. I got my first paycheck and I used it to get an anxiety diagnosis.

I'm a lawyer now.

I see my co-workers quit so often that farewell parties are commonplace. The NVCA model documents have burnt their way into my retinas. I am made of alarms and notifications.

I'm a lawyer now. Is this what I fought so hard for?

[rantylawblr]

I feel like dropping out every other second! What should I do????!!! I'm in the second year of my law degree!!!!

As someone who didn't drop out and made it to the other side, just think about the sunken cost XD

You've put in too much work (and money) to get past second year. Law school gets worse before it gets better - stick it out and dm if you ever need anything (i don't go through my asks enough)

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31.12.2024

I'm not one to have new year's resolutions, but I'm trying to prioritise myself this year. I'll be starting my new job in June, and I realised if I don't prioritise my own time, noone will. This year's about starting a new job, but also prioritising my hobbies, health and the relationships that sustain my life. It's about drawing better boundaries with people and treating the world with more love. In that vein, I made a list of resolutions that don't revolve around my work:

3 chess games everyday

pet more cats

Walk 30 mins everyday

Learn how to solve rubix cube

Finish 20 books across 20 genres and write a review

Watch at least one movie every week and write a letterboxd review

Play an instrument for 20 mins every day (guitar/ukelele)

learn how to write odiya

prioritise relaxation alongside excelling at work

focus on diet, get water and protein intake in

get driver's license

get an extra piercing (or two hehe)

I made a moodboard on pintrest using these ideas, I hope I see them to fruition this year🌟

Happy 2025 everyone!!

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15.11.2024

I haven't posted in forever, and I think that's a good sign as I often only return to this account when I need to clear my head and I'm in a much better place right now. I'm placed now, I have a job lined up for me and I spend most of my time relaxing or at the gym. This is the best I've ever felt honestly, with no baggage or anxieties. I've made a ton of great memories in my law school days and I'm glad to be at the place I currently am. Life's good, and for anyone following my account as a law student, this is a sign that the struggle is always worth it XD

Listening to: Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

[cheese123507-deactivated2025042]

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･ Skeleton flower *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･

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22.07.2024

I'm restarting my studyblr for placements season. I know I have to study but I end up in a constant loop of procrastination so I hope this account helps me the way it did when I was working to get into law school. I came back home because in college all I did was get high and waste time. Although it helped me get a lot calmer and deal with my anxiety, it put a hamper on my productivity. Let's hope I get back on track this time.

Goals for today: finish contracts law entirely, have 3L of water, limit screentime

🎧 The Diner by Billie Eilesh 🎧

[the---hermit]

Reading in the morning + messy desk.

02|01|2024

The struggle to focus while working on the book I have to study for my exam is so real it hurts. Today I was very motivated to do anything but that. I still got something done which is good, and tomorrow I will do my best to try to finish it.

calm hobbit winter:

read first thing in the morning

worked on a couple of posts

practiced Irish on duolingo

started a proper review of all the duolingo units I have done in the past in French (which will be my main focus in the next weeks for getting back my french knowledge goal)

finished reading and highlight the 8th chapter of Nature,Human Nature and Human differences by J. Smith and wrote notes for it

started reading and annotating the last chapter (it's almost done I cannot wait for it to be over)

someone called me "beautiful soul" and that will be my only personality trait for the rest of the day

fixed a couple of spreads in my 2024 reading journal

continued working on my bullet journal spreads (in particular I worked on my goals page and started working on my language learning pages)

worked on a crochet project made with scrap yarn (no idea if something decent will come out of it, we'll see)

📖:Resurgir curated by Lorenzo Incarbone, Nature Human Nature and Human Difference by Justin Smith

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02.01.2024

Happy new year guys!

I started my sem break, and went on a small vacation. I have a list of new years resolutions and so far I'm optimistic about the new year. My internship starts next week and I'm excited/terrified. Hopefully this year is gentler than the last. It's also my last year in college so gotta make it count❤️

Listening to: Roshni by Chaar Diwary ft. Bharg

[rantylawblr]

Hey do you think clat is possible in 40 days?

if someone really work their ass off?

Heyy, I know this sounds useless but it totally depends from person to person. If you're someone who's great at GK and fares decent at logical reasoning, it's definitely possible. The GK portion is the make of break so if that isn't strong it's very hard to crack it in 40 days. If you're starting right now, I'd suggest trying out GkToday videos to help you as they helped me with my prep quite a bit

Best of luck❤️✨

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10.08.2023

It's been so long since I posted that I forgot why I had this account. I recently started a new internship immediately after a very intense one, so naturally the exhaustion is getting to me. My college started releasing assignments and I have a moot and another event coming up all within this month.

I'm starting to feel burnt out but I started working out today, so I feel I'm at least headed in the right direction and I hope I manage to make future me as proud of me as my past self has made me feel.

I read this quote today saying, maybe the reason you have no confidence is because you don't respect the choices you make. I realised that somewhere down the line, I started making choices that I vibed with or liked at that point of time without considering whether they were worthy of respect, whether they reconciled with the ambitions I had.

It's never too late to have these realisations, and I'm on the path to being a better version of myself. Here's to hoping that I find time to be happy with myself while I'm at it.

Listening to: What was I Made for by Billie Eilesh

[fawnaura]

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, 1950-1962

[evadneares]

Mada Hayyas, "Parts of Me Never Left That House"