Realistic Approach to Discovery
Throughout my life I've been living at a fast pace I thought I set up for myself. Pushing myself to keep working, to reach the next best thing. I've only recently learned to praise myself along the way. It certainly is a major character development, but the thing about always looking up to a bigger goal and higher mountain peak is that I tend to lose sight of -as Miley Cyrus once said- The Climb.
That gnawing occupational disease of always yearning for something greater, is just a branch of deeper rooted fear of measuring life's worth only based on outcomes.
In the midst of a busy week, I went to talk to a friend. Formally, it would be called a therapy session, but circumstances were too casual and laid back. It was more like a master Oogway and Po moment. Even as I waited for the session to start, I was busy and lost in my own head planning for the next project. Not a bad thing, I love planning ahead and being organized to an extent just to get a clear idea of what I want out of that experience.
I think it was a good development for me to reach out the second I realized I was stuck in an old cycle of obsession. I thought it was ambition, that I used to hate so much because I was only thinking in dicothomy -a pathogmonic sign of unresolved trauma by the way- The more I listen to my friend's experiences, the more I get to thinking. Yeah, this is not about ambition or lack thereof. To this day I haven't determined how much thought I'd like to put into ambition and goals honestly. For now, that part doesn't cause concern nor discomfort in my life.
Then, what is this obsession? It didn't hit me until I was on my way home after the session.
I never thought I'd be a person who cares about praises or acknowledgement from others. I thought I've always known how to do that for myself. But that's exactly it. I was conditioned to only praise myself when I achieve something. I didn't know how to appreciate my own efforts, which is funny because I'm always ay the front line of appreciating others throughout their own processes. I just never realized I don't do it for myself.
I've read Camus's Sisyphus plenty of times before and I still missed the point of why we must imagine Sisyphus happy.
Naturally, knowing this 'failure' I became hard on myself and tried to re-read the essay. However, I quickly got very distressed because I have a deadline to catch up with and I just couldn't make time to read. I meditated, sort my thoughts out, and finish my daily target. Later that night, or more like dawn where everything is quiet and the sky is so dark much like my thoughts. I did what needed to be done and console myself, I ask myself the question
How do you really feel about how far you've come?
I didn't like my answer that night, so I told myself, you would rather chew sand than criticize your friend whose going through a lot like yourself right now, but you have no hesitation in putting yourself down. How does that make you feel?
Not the best way to end a night, because I had a weird weird dream afterwards.
However the next day I felt lighter after recognizing which part of myself I have to work on. Then I had to do overtime for the rest of the week so I couldn't really get myself into that headspace of total reflection, or else I would've just knock myself down to the ground from the lack of sleep. Another thing I have to learn to do.
Wasn't until my team and I finally finished the work that I suddenly got the discovery. This part of myself, that's very critical is kind of like my own personal prosecutor and I haven't accepted her as part of me. That's why it's hard, that's why I keep on battling myself.
Self reflection and wanting to do better is an omen of a mature ego. However, my self image is still going through puberty. Naturally, they would always fight and that will continously cause an identity crisis within me. It makes perfect sense for a human to always want to do better and grow from their experiences, but it's unfortunate that sometimes we're not the kindest to ourselves. Sometimes, you're not used to the gentle treatment that should've came along with criticism.
I didn't want to dwell too much on where this trait came from, which part of my past that I identify with that I still have trouble with integrating to this day. I got a rough idea of why and how and even when, but I don't want to refine the past, since you can't really do much for what's passed. The rough edges in the present that came from it can still be smooth out, so that's what I have to enjoy doing for now.
I have learned, previously, to accept the highs and the lows from pushing a rock up a mountain over and over again. I've learned not to lose myself along the way. Now, I've discovered that I also should praise myself along the way, even though it's going to be a repetitive cycle of achievements, failures, and all the things in between.
So, I guess, just like studying for the board exam. The more you know and learn, will only bring more questions and new foreign things to learn. The more you discover about yourself and your life, then there's always more rough edges to work on and refine; but that's really not all that is.
The discovery and refinement process itself, it should be precious to me and I have to learn to praise myself for doing it.
*all writings are cross-posted on Medium @made.savitra
