Losing someone close to you really is one of the hardest things in life. It’s devastating. I’ve been lucky enough not to have lost many people in my life, but that makes it even harder when it does happen.
Last night we lost my Grandma, and I am heartbroken.
She has always been there for everyone, all the cousins, those living closer to her more than my brother and I but she loved us just as much. She was always the no nonsense type, in the best way possible. I fear when I say that it makes it sound like she was strict, she wasn’t, she just wouldn’t deal with the bullshit, she’d say what was on her mind. That became even more true in the past few years, following what we believe was a stroke. She was strong and although it did some damage to her decision making abilities leading to her needing to be in an assisted living facility, she was very much still her, and stayed as independent as she possibly could, she’s not the kind want to have to rely on anyone.
I think one of my favourite little quirks I remember is that after 50 something years of being a smoker, she just up and essentially forgot she smoked (following the aforementioned stroke) which for whatever reason amused the hell out of me (probably because I’ve always hated that habit). Or how any time I saw her over the past year she'd always poke fun at my beard, she liked it, but it was new and different so she had to point it out.
I don’t have all that many specific memories of her that are coming to mind right now, but I’m sure they’ll come to me as the week progresses. She was an amazing woman, and I give her a tonne of credit on how I and all my cousins have turned out. Unfortunately she wasn’t around to see me get married or meet her great grandkids from me, although I suppose I never really thought that she would be, but I think that’s just because I haven’t thought that far ahead in my life at all yet. But I’m sure it’ll hit me hard when I do get married and I’ll be the first cousin she wasn’t there for when they got married. But that’s neither here nor there right now.
It’s hard because it’s such a shock, her passing is so sudden. She fell on Saturday, going downstairs at the home to get a coffee and she broke her hip. She seemed (relatively) fine when my aunts were with her in the emergency room and she was saying something along the lines of that was stupid, I was just moving too fast I wanted to get a coffee, really just being annoyed at herself for falling. In emergency when they did the xrays they found her lung was full of fluid, pneumonia. I guess a couple hours later she started being less coherent and then fell asleep. She didn’t wake up again, but she stayed alive through Sunday, making sure everyone had time to come see her and say goodbye. We always knew she wouldn’t be one to drag it out at the end, and I swear she knew exactly what she was doing right til the moment she passed. She knew everyone had their chance to visit, and with her 4 daughters in the room, she waited until they were all asleep and then she passed peacefully.
It’s pretty much exactly how she would have wanted to go, it kind of amazes me how it genuinely seems like it was just a decision, she knew her time was close so she let go. My mother mentioned how she had said she’d rather be dead than need a walker or wheelchair, and with a broken hip that would have been the case. I know if she wanted to she could have fought through it, but especially after the lengthy struggles we went through with my Grandpa, who she now gets to be reunited with, we knew she wouldn’t be the kind.
Hell it’s almost like we’ve been living on borrowed time these past few years too, between the suspected stroke and the cancer before that, it is amazing she lived well into her 82nd year.
She lived a long, love filled life. Getting to raise 4 wonderful daughters, who gave her 9 wonderful grandchildren, and she was lucky enough to meet 2 of her great-grandchildren before she left us. Just won’t be the same without her.
Love you Grandma, may you rest in peace.
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