JustMyThoughts

This blog is here to better express my feelings through slightly over exaggerated experiences.

[rawlyinspired]

Love is Blind

I think I let myself love you. I had admired you from a far for quiet sometime. Which now looking back probably caused the haze when up close. Every moment with you flew by to quick, leaving me waiting for the next. I think I let myself forget I don’t like the smell of cigarette smoke.  Because it was you blowing it into the air. I forgot how I hate when people have to be drunk or high to feel alive. But it was you taking in the substances. I think I let myself not see how you hated yourself. Because all I could see was the beauty written all over you, in your laugh, and smile. I think this is what they mean when they say.. 

[rawlyinspired]

DC

"love you long time”

I’m happy I got to meet you like this. I am scared of loosing the memories you’re in. When we were real fresh, playing euchre, you brushed my back while reaching behind me, or riding on the back of your bike and you reach back and grab my leg, sent chills through me. Laughing with you at Fosters (cherry creek), dancing in the dark out on the deck. I like laughing with you. Tucking you in and telling you a bedtime story about monkeys , that turned into snuggled laughs, that might be my favorite. Although I really like sitting across from you in the morning drinking coffee. Or sitting across in the sauna just admiring your tattoos and just how truly beautiful you are.  Then realizing I’m staring.. Little Valley, Hughes, we were married for the night. Just moved from Kentucky. Me driving in the car while you dance to the music. This past Thursday, our date you told another girl. Us making up dances while the line dancing is going on. 

I know these don’t make sense but I’m hoping they’re enough to hold these memories in place. I’m already afraid there’s some missing 

[rawlyinspired]

Teddy

I just want to but this memory into words. I’m not sure what about you that made me trust you so incredibly quickly. The second date, we’re hiking through woods I haven’t seen in probably a decade. I pull into the drive to pick you up. “He’s cute” speaking out loud only to Odie in the car. Then thinking who dresses this nice to go on a hike. Carhartt cargo pants, blue plaid flannel jacket with a nice grey ball cap. Then I verbally express to you, you don’t look like someone about to go on a hike. My leg is oddly shaking as it presses the accelerator, why am I nervous.. I find it odd and chalk it up to working legs the day before. Now we’re at Deer Lick, starting to travel into the woods. You’re easy to talk to. You’re honest, not afraid to ask tough questions. For whatever reason I find it nice, I don’t mind answering them. You seem so intentional. You’re funny, what adult male admits to liking the Vampire Dairies and Twilight?! The part that keeps coming back to mind, is when we’re sitting on the fallen trees just chatting. Then the spring I drank out of. I’m not sure I can put it all into words. I’m just scared I’ll forget this. I want to thank you for this memory,  it’s one I’m going to keep regardless of how this ends up, which is looking like its already over. But thanks for the time we shared. 

[rawlyinspired]

none for now

I did say once or twice, that it would be my last time typing about you...

But there the fuck you are. Keep popping in my thoughts. This one isn’t going to be poetic, just therapeutic. I post things on socials, then look through later hoping you’ve seen them. Really I'm almost only looking for your name. (which if you really think about it, it’s quite pathetic) Cause then it means you still care? No actually it doesn’t, you could just be bored. But if you’re like me you only check peoples pages who you actually care to see?

Nate, it did help the first time I wrote about you. I felt better, less guilty or weighed down. But if it actually helped then why the hell do I keep ending back up here... 

If I'm being honest, it might be because I wonder if we really ever could of been more than friends. Or it’s cause I'm currently lacking a quality friend like the one I had in you. 

I don’t really know. But hey, I like your tattoos. 

[rawlyinspired]

Love, Just So You Know.

Hello babe? Hmm I’m not quite sure about our pet names. 

But love, what I am sure about is you. I've been praying for you, for quite some time and I've been excited to meet you for just as long. When I say praying for you, I don’t mean this stunning, beautiful eyes, tattoo man that stands before me, although that’s nice. I mean on random Mondays I pray to God that you’re having a good day. I pray for your safety. I pray that if you’re seeing the sunrise or sunset you get to appreciate and actually take in its beauty. I pray that you're mending relations with your family. I pray for your strength in hard times. I pray that your relationship with God is growing stronger every day. 

My Love I want you to know long before I’ve met you, I’ve been praying for you. 4/29/2021

[rawlyinspired]

 Well Dad, I’m mad. No, I'm disappointed. I want you to realize how beautiful Mom and Dylan are. Their souls, are amazing! I swear it's like you don't see them as people separate from you. Or their best qualities. They are such amazing people. You don't see how wonderfully kind they are. How either one of them would go out of their way to help almost strangers. How they both have the biggest laughs. I wish you loved them better. I wish you would realize that you make them both insecure. I’m annoyed that you show favor to me over them. I hate that you can’t see how they both just wish for you to show them kindness, love and grace. How they’re both held back by your bullshit. They both cling to what you do or say. Wondering if it’s them. Or if they can fix it. If I’m honest this is me to some degree as well. I NEED them to live for themselves. I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT. You have not treated me as such. I feel like they could have been better if you treated them like you did me. Or if they took it like I did.  Maybe I’ve taken it different, I don't know. Perhaps you felt bad for me. Gave me pity. I feel responsible. Then again another part of me feels; you have never chosen to deal with your demons. You keep drinking them into silence. But, how mad can I be? This is my life given to me as such. I am who I am. I am happy and contented to move on from here. So I just wish you would choice the same. Acknowledge that this is not a life worth living in 5 years and choose to do better. To be better.

[rawlyinspired]

buzzed

People are so funny. No, not in a humors sense but in a peculiar sense. Why, does it take most people alcohol’s vail to allow them to speak the thoughts they’re already thinking? 

[rawlyinspired]

Shhhh

See after I wrote my last note.. I was done thinking about you. It was quite therapeutic. I felt the overwhelming sadness leave and I no longer carried the guilt when thinking about you. But today is the last day in this year; so yes I've had one too many drinks and it makes me think. What if? What if I just text you and say Happy New Year! I mean its harmless, right? 

No, no, no it’s not harmless, because I know you are otherwise engaged. No I don't mean to be married. But you have another half. So in respect to someone I've never met, I’ll leave you be. Even though I mean no harm intent. 

I guess I’m just reminiscing on some times better spent. 

[rawlyinspired]

To Nate

So, I might miss you. 

Or maybe I miss who I was when I knew you. 

Either way, you keep popping up in my dreams. It’s always a happy time usually with a bit of longing. But then I wake and realize it’s actually been five years since I've seen you. This makes my heart ache. I don't know if it’s because I miss our relationship, you, or who I use to be. When I think of you guilt and sadness build in my chest. 

Do you remember how we use to sit on the phone talking for hours, swearing we’d be the best of friends until we were gray.  I did mean it when I said it.

Then I left.

I do miss you. 

I want to say sorry, I’m incredibly sorry. 

I have these hopes that when I’m out of this mess we would make amends and be the best of friends again. But I’m not dumb, just too hopeful. 

I wish you all the best often. 

I’m sure there is a lot I’ve left unsaid. But this will do.

I’m writing this to get you off of my heart and out of my head. I need to let you go, like I’m sure you did me many years ago.  

[rawlyinspired]

I'm just waiting for you. I've been doing all the things they told me to. I've been good, pretty, polite. I've been waiting for you. I see all the smiles and promises of false forevers for all the other girls. I swear they skipped steps. Sure I've had callers. But their not you. I know you're out there waiting too. But there are nights or weeks when I sure do get sick of waiting. So I've occupied my self with some entertainment here and there. But babe I'm still waiting on you. It might be time to stop with the country music.

[rawlyinspired]

Wishing I listened a Little better and kissed a little less.

I want to go back to that night when we first kissed. Although I guess that's the same night as our last. I wouldn't change anything or say something different, because it is what it is. But how I wish I could have lived in it more. Listened to your voice, remember your lips. It was all too quick and a little blurry.. but alcohol doesn't cause sharpness. Just sharp wits, sometimes. Liquid courage, the bravery for me to give zero fucks and do what I wanted. And that was to kiss you as much as possible, because I feared or rather knew that tonight was our one and only night to be alive together. So I said kiss me like you know it's the last time.. and it was.

[rawlyinspired]

After meeting a person like you. Allowing you to take a place in my life however big or small it was. I was in fact affected by you. It hurt to see what you were saying or see who you were with, damn social media. But I did it. I'm a cold turkey kind of girl and I mean that completely figuratively. So I cut you off and I'm that much better for it. I can look at your face with out anger mixed with sadness boiling in side of me. I do however wonder now, how your coping with the absance of me. Damn it. I suppose there is still some work to do.

[rawlyinspired]

I wonder how long humans spend waiting... Waiting for that call or that text. Waiting for your friend to finally show up. Waiting in the doctors office, dentist, or in line for checkout. Always waiting.. Hmm I wonder how different it would be. If we never waited. How much longer or shorter would our lives be?

[rawlyinspired]

Dark Drunk Kisses

Oh how I like to kiss you. Drunk'in nights. I (believe I) can do anything. I conquer the tiny world given to me each and every one of those nights. Alcohol has brought down many of the walls my sober heart and brain has built. When those walls come down, there is no thinking of words. Only speaking them. Some might call this reckless. I think it's more reckless to not say those words on the tip of your lips. Won't you forget them, won't they become lost. Will you be okay at the end. I have said many of drunk'in words that have only been the previous thoughts before the alcohol. So with that liquid courage I become only more me. And that me like to kiss that you.

I have never kissed someone I liked. I have kissed the attractive ones. But there is a difference, that must be made clear. Then I kissed you. I only wanted to do it again. That's the only reason I turned around after walking away from you that night. Should there have been more? I wasn't sure, I just knew that's what drove my steps. Oh well, right. I got to kiss you more than once. Just like I wanted. I think I've got my fix. Oh how I hope that is true. 

[rawlyinspired]

Can a simple hand shake after extended time of not talking, really just fix everything between us. I'm suppose to forgive and forget now. The first time seeing you since all that we were just stopped. Well this is what you thought. I got two separate hand shakes that night. I suppose this is you reassuring yourself that I'm still that "cool girl" you kissed too many times and wouldn't but probably should have let walk away that night.  

[rawlyinspired]

Baby, I’ll forget you quicker than I met you

[rawlyinspired]

I probably should have listened, I should walk away. Then I did just that. But that's when you said my name, not only once but repeated it. Grabbing my attention, distracting me. So I turned around and walked in the wrong direction toward you. I didn't ended up walking away then. But you did now. Is this "what if" greater than that one. What if I didn't turn around. Would this hurt not exist. Or would I have been driven crazy wondering what would have happened if I did. Well now I'm stuck being the one left behind instead of the one leaving.