Raw Thoughts

Honest entries of my life

[rawthoughtss-blog]

This year

This year I will trust God. 

I will not be characterized by fear, worry, doubt, or insecurity. 

Though they try to engulf me, they will not overcome me, because this year I am keeping an eternal mindset. I will be optimistic.

I believe God has my future in his hands and that he will give me the strength I need to conquer each day’s challenges. 

This is not just another new year’s resolution. I refuse to allow it to be. I will not be defeated. I am determined. 

It just takes the right mindset and God’s grace. Thank the Lord for grace.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Since January, my world has turned upside down. I don’t think I’ve never had more reason to fear, doubt, worry, or feel insecure. My dad was my favorite person, and though I’m technically an adult, I relied on him so much. My childhood fear has come to pass. He’s gone...

When I’m having a bad day, when I feel the weight of loss, it is so hard to want to trust God. I feel angry and weary and angry again. Why him? Why now?

But God is still God, and He’s still in control. So... I will trust Him.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Dear Dad, 

I miss you so much. You were a wonderful comforter, encourager, music buddy, supporter, and so much more. I needed that. I still need it, but there’s no one like you. 

I feel lonely and out of place often. Many people think they know me, but they really don’t. Many people think they care. Some do, but others don’t. I already felt that way before... everything happened. 

I always knew I could talk to you if I needed to. I knew you loved me no matter what, and no matter what anyone else thought, you would see the best in me, more than I could ever see. I always knew there was someone who would be there to encourage me and help me when I had a big decision I was struggling with, someone who would stop everything to help me if I was in the least bit of trouble. 

I always thought you’d live to be at least 70. I thought you’d be there to walk me down the aisle. You’d be crying, and I knew that would make me break down too. One day I’d bring my kids to your house, and you’d be the best grandpa ever. 

Now I’ll be crying down the aisle because I’ll be thinking of how you should be there. I’ll tell my kids stories about you, but they’ll never fully understand what I mean when I tell them how wonderful and goofy and self-sacrificing and caring you were and what an incredible grandfather you’d have been. 

I never would have thought I’d have to lose you so soon, without warning. I don’t know how I can go on without you. I know I’ll see you again, but right now, eternity seems far away. 

If only I could really write you letters. Letters you could read now. I’d be okay if you couldn’t write back, as long as I knew you could read them. 

I am happy for you... but I’m sadder for me. Some days are easier than others. This world is so wearisome. I wish I could be with you now. 

I love you, and I miss you.

~Your loving daughter

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Out of place. Story of my life.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Remember this.

Some happy things: 

On my last day of student teaching, my students from CMS student teaching gave me cards with thoughtful comments, and Mrs. J gave me some fantastic school supplies.

I just graduated! 

I just got a job!

I feel a little more sure this is where I’m supposed to be. Let me expound.

-I prayed for God to lead me, to open and close right and wrong doors respectively.

-I never thought I’d be a teacher. I used to be scared of leading and public speaking. I’m an introvert, for crying out loud! Yet here I am. 

-I made it through college with a 3.882 GPA, through some tough classes and semesters that I prayed my way through, including a 19-hour semester in which I was also writing for the Reveille, doing field experience hours at the LSU CxC Writing Center and a public school, and on top of that, my cousin passed away. 

-I prayed for a good student teaching placement and got CMS w/ Mrs. J, and I learned more than I had in all my education classes combined. I also gained a healthy perspective and a mentor who encouraged and supported me.

-I prayed for the right job to open up and work out as I did my part interviewing and dispersing my resume. I prayed for God to please make my decision easy and clear, that I wouldn’t have to try to figure out which job to take since I was totally flexible and had little preference. Up to this point, I’ve only gotten one job offer, which I accepted. It was pretty much my first choice-- CMS, where I student taught. People tell me what an honor it is to be offered a job there and what a great school it is. I’m no master teacher. All I did this past semester, after coming in timid with hardly any experience or expertise, was do what I could to help out and grow and develop as a teacher and a person. Yet I was chosen. I, who once thought I could never lead and communicate effectively-- am employed at one of the highest rated schools in the state. If my school was not highly rated, I believe my job would still be just as valuable because my students would be just as valuable, but the fact that I got hired at a highly competitive school just humbles me because I'm more aware that I couldn’t have gotten here on my own. 

Honestly, I still don’t FEEL a lot of passion or have a vision for where I’m going. I don’t even love the kids the way I want to. I’m so selfish most times. But I got into this because, in part, I want to positively impact people. And that’s what I plan to do.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

.songs that hit home.

--Every word of the song has been my prayer at some point in the last six months. Loneliness. No plans. Doubt. A feeling that things will never change. Knowing that all I want could still never satisfy me. Feeling defeated, yet clinging to the hope, a prayer: “Let me know that You hear me, let me know Your touch, let me know that You love me, let that be enough.” 

2. “Anymore of This” by Mindy Smith

-- I also related to every word of this song. As I leave the college student season of life, I look back and regret all I missed out on, often because I was stressed and anxious. I didn’t appreciate and enjoy my life like I could have. And I don’t want anymore of that. “I don’t want to miss anymore.” It hurts to regret, but I can learn from it. And I did have positive experiences too, but I tend to regret and be hard on myself, and that’s not good either. 

3. “Lie Awake and Dream” by Runaway Symphony

--I relate to this song in a few ways, but interestingly, this is a song I sort of anticipate relating to. 

“Oftentimes when I close my eyes, I lie awake and dream of home where Mom and Dad used to laugh.” 

In a way, I’m still a kid-- I still feel like one anyway. I still live at home. I’m just beginning to really enter “the real world,” and soon I’ll be on my own. One day, this day will be looked upon in fond memory, and I may be homesick for it. I need to enjoy every moment, rather than pining for what I wish it could be. 

“I’ve been searching high and low to find some heat in this freezing cold.... This house where I stay, it could never be my home. Dear Lord, I just pray I don’t want to live alone.” 

I anticipate this will be my next struggle. Young adulthood. Trying to figure it out and find my place as I become more independent of my family and continue to fight for faith to believe that God has a plan for my relationships and a reason for my loneliness. 

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Well, I’m about to graduate! And... this is my song right now. 

I feel relieved, nostalgic, and regretful all at once. Looking back, some of my regrets are simply from decisions I made or didn’t make that there was no way of knowing how they’d turn out.  But when I think about it, I missed out on so much because I was too busy worrying or putting too much energy into one area of my life.

And here I am now. After pursuing an education my whole life, I am about to be finished with school. Finished. I’ve reached the finish line of this one part of my life, and as I look forward, I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid of future regret. That I’ll repeat the same mistakes and keep the same habits. 

There is so much possibility. There’s so much out there! I long for adventure, deeper faith, confidence, change, greater optimism, greater joy, less selfishness, more love. 

I don’t want to stay the same. I don’t want my circumstances to stay the same. I don’t want to be stuck. I don’t want to be alone. 

That’s what I’m afraid of. 

I don’t want to miss anymore. 

[rawthoughtss-blog]

I don’t want to stay...

There are times you wish time would freeze, and you could always be so happy and have such clarity of mind. But it doesn’t. Other times, time can’t go fast enough to rid you of your suffering. And eventually, the time does pass. Time is funny like that. It’s always moving on. 

Right now, I’m somewhere between, and I kind of hate it because I feel like I’ve been “in between” for years. Those in-between times are sometimes hardest because they feel meaningless and confusing.

I know I’m being discontent and impatient, and it needs to change, but here’s me being honest.

There’s always this lingering feeling lately of sadness rooted in the fact that I want to move on, and I’m afraid of things always being like this. Living in the same place. Doing the same old thing. Never really meeting new people, therefore remaining lonely. Never really going anywhere. 

I’m afraid of stagnation. I’m afraid of staying the same. I want to move on.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Tired Heart

I told myself this would be a year I wouldn’t be overcome by doubt and fear and insecurity, and yet the past couple of weeks have been rather despairing in my spirit. 

I have become impatient. 

“God, why haven’t you changed my situation? Why am I still so lonely? Why don’t I belong? I want to just pick up and start over somewhere new. I know my problems are ridiculous and insignificant, but I thought you would answer these prayers. I’m only asking for good things... I’m afraid of staying the same. Why can’t I hear you? Why is everything so still? Don’t you hear me? Why do you answer other people’s prayers so clearly? Is there something utterly wrong with me? Do you really love me? If you really love me, come answer me. Tell me you hear me. Give me your grace so I can hear you. Why won’t you answer?” 

To which I do not hear an answer. But I have grown less doubtful lately. Will the cycle never end? I don’t want to be this way. 

Let me NOT be overcome by doubt and despair and fear and insecurity and loneliness. I strive to stand on the promises of God even when I feel unheard and confused. Where else have I to go?

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Loneliness and confusion

I love how preachers will preach a message and say, “Surround yourself with trusted friends,” as if you can go up to the store and acquire great friends just like that. I have a loving family. I have friends that care about me... sort of. Most texts or calls I get are just to ask me if I can do something for them. 

I’m lonely.

I want to be a part of a church, I don’t want to just walk in, walk out, and serve once a month. That’s what I do. I can’t tell if it’s my fault. Is it my fault I don’t connect with anyone? I tried before, tried to build relationships, but I was never a part. Why not? I’m a nice person.... I don’t understand why I’m always alone. Why I fit in nowhere. 

Am I idolizing people? I’m tired of blaming myself. I am only human, and I don’t mean to idolize relationships, and when I have realized I have, I’ve asked God for forgiveness and help. Isn’t this desire for relationships legitimate? 

I guess I just have to wait on God. 

I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately I need God. That much I know. I don’t know anything else anymore.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

5:00

If it’s dark outside, I should be in bed. That’s my philosophy, but I guess it’s not my reality.

Disappointments, stress, doubts--they’re hard to handle when I’m tired. When my time is consumed by responsibility. 

Just yesterday I sat a red light and looked out past the raindrops dripping down my window at the clouds. I felt a tinge of sadness as I thought, “This is me right now...” 

At a red light. Without a clear path ahead.

And yet... I will not be cast down. I will not give up hope. But how do I move forward?

[rawthoughtss-blog]

This year

This year I will trust God. 

I will not be characterized by fear, worry, doubt, or insecurity. 

Though they try to engulf me, they will not overcome me, because this year I am keeping an eternal mindset. I will be optimistic.

I believe God has my future in his hands and that he will give me the strength I need to conquer each day's challenges. 

This is not just another new year's resolution. I refuse to allow it to be. I will not be defeated. I am determined. 

It just takes the right mindset and God's grace. Thank the Lord for grace.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

A frustration

I hate that it isn't safe for me to walk downtown at night, or anywhere for that matter, unless I have a group of people with me or a man with me. Sometimes I'm a party of one, and I want to explore without having to carry mace. 

[rawthoughtss-blog]

The Gift of Loneliness

9/21/14

It all makes sense now...

Hebrews 11:8-10, 13-16; Jeremiah 29:5-14

I just listened to a series by Paul Matthies at The Village Church called "Only the Lonely." It was exactly what I have been learning, plus some.

Loneliness is not something I should always run away from. It isn't just the absence of people; it's also the presence of pain and separation. I understood this.

But loneliness is a way we realize the idolatry of our hearts, where we realize we don't belong here, and we've been trying to make this place our home. God can take our loneliness and redeem it. We offer it to Him in worship.

Our relationship with God is more than just what we do for God and more than what He does for us!We want Him to make our situation better, but would we love and glorify Him if He never did another thing for us?

God wants to do more than do things for us-- and He wants more than just us just doing things for Him.

He wants to do something IN us. Produce FAITH.

I feel blessed to be lonely, because now I realize it isn't because of some social dysfunction in me. God allows me to experience loneliness so He can mold me into His image, to produce faith, to reveal to me how sinful I am and how I have been trying to be at home in a place that is not my home.

I am thankful because I see through this that my heart has been set on earthly desires and hopes. 

As Matthies said, I tend to look back on the past and how good it was (forgetting the bad) and look at what the future could be, all the while trying to make a home, to be satisfied, wondering why I feel discontent.

We groan for redemption. For immortality. (See Romans 8:23.) 

Nothing temporal can satisfy that eternal longing. Sometimes it takes some pain and separation for me to truly grasp that.

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Resume Writing Is Depressing

Everything cool about me is the stuff nobody sees unless they really know me. I haven't really achieved much, as far as awards and accomplishments. I mean, I'm about to graduate from college with a 3.9 GPA, so I've been on either the Dean's List or the President's List my whole college career, but other than that, well, I haven't really done much, and education is just one little line on my resume. And other than that one little line, it doesn't mean much to most people. For the last four years, school has been my life. No internships or extracurricular activities or anything like that. 

I'm a critical thinker. I care about people. I'm empathetic and understanding. Easy to get along with. I admire and appreciate beauty, music, nature, and love. I have strong convictions about many subjects. I'm self-scrutinizing, and the good part of that is that I strive to learn from my mistakes and become better.

Is this the real me? I think so. I really want to think so. But know why I can't put any of this on my resume? Because I don't have anything, no experience, to show for it, and cold hard evidence is what they look for. I think they should, too. But what evidence do I have to offer?

[rawthoughtss-blog]

"I get the feeling that I'm in between a machine and a man that only looks like me.

I try and hide it, not let it show,

But deep down inside me I just don't know.

Am I a man when I feel like a hoax? 

The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes....

I wanna thrive, not just survive."

[rawthoughtss-blog]

Garbage and Glory

Listening to: "Garbage and Glory" from The Village Church.

My heart's affection, my mind's attention should focus on Christ. I am HIS.

"All else I count as loss." When "all else" gets stripped away, your affections and attentions are revealed. I'm not really single-hearted. I'm counting on more than just Christ to give me worth. To bring me happiness. 

I don't know... My future is uncertain. I feel like much has been stripped away. My desires, dreams, hopes, friendships... I still don't see how I'm contributing to anything. I've been in college for nearly 4 years with little to show for it.

What difference have I made? Where is my life headed? Where are my friends? Who are they? I need a mentor. I feel hopeless and wasteful and purposeless and a letdown and depressed and confused and useless.

But God...? 

When I'm alone, unsure, stripped of all that I feel makes me useful, valuable, successful... To whom will I go? When I have nothing to offer but brokenness-- a humble and contrite spirit, but nothing more? When I feel undeserving of love, yet I want it? Will I cave into depression or will I offer it to God? When all I have is brokenness yet busyness-- school and homework, school and homework, will I take the time to lay it down before the throne? I haven't, but will I? 

If not now, when?

[rawthoughtss-blog]

What if?

A grand thought entered my head tonight: What if I made a conscious effort not to procrastinate? To sleep or not to sleep? That is the question.