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Is Boddhicitta a Privilege?

I’m currently taking a 5 week course on The 37 Practices of a Bodhisattva and have been having fruitful conversations with our teacher and peers. Our teacher described trying to access this loving kindness energy when engaging with a QAnon neighbor. With my teacher being a wildly open-minded loving person and their neighbor sticking to their version of reality, the conversation did not end with either of them changing their views. And it is what it is! But I had a strange thought when retelling this conversation to my AfroLatino fiance.

Could my fiance even have the CHANCE to have a conversation with a QAnon believer in the safe way my teacher did? In what ways do the vessels of bodies we occupy distance ourselves from true boddhicitta?

My mind then went down a rabbit hole of questions. One of the practices in our texts points to creating boundaries with those who “increase the 3 root poisons” and that’s the most immediate and effective of ways to deal with someone who deeply believes in things that negate our existence. I just wonder since the purpose of enlightenment and moving towards Buddhahood is to share that love and light with others, what happens when the receiver refuses to accept it because of who is trying to offer it?

Another concern is how much can we open our hearts when we’ve only been faced with nothing but pain? I’m calling to mind a Black trans woman who has been through a slew of suffering. I would find it rather rude to tell them “Try opening your heart to everyone” when doing so may invalidate the very structures placed to keep them protected and safe.

So I’m back at the question in the title of this musing. Are certain levels of boddhicitta inaccessible to black and brown bodies?

I think I’m inspired to be a little reflective after watching a vulnerable vlog.

My last post was very confusing lol but the beginning of the pandemic was confusing! Lots of misinformation. Panic. Uncertainty. About 7 months later and we haven’t seen ourselves out of any of those emotions, but I think I’ve learned to know who those emotions are. When the anger or sadness knocks on the door I welcome them in and offer them tea. They don’t stay for long anyway.

The world is again in a state of uncertainty. The upcoming election is cumbersome to say the least. And there doesn’t seem to be any progress in “stopping” the virus; only managing it here and there.

The pandemic was a hard reset. It made people re-evaluate their lives, their values, their choices. I recently started to realize how much I was on the go prior to the pandemic. I felt like a spaceship being shot into the atmosphere and disconnecting from the thrusters, pieces of metal falling off to make the actual ship lighter and buoyant. I feel like we all had to let go of things that moved us without control or held us back without our permission.

I feel better for it. And I feel like I’ve been steeping in myself which is something I actively avoided before. Sitting in my silence, my sadness, my thoughts, my worries. Funny I was never sitting long enough in my joys or happiness. And this is exactly what the pandemic is teaching me. Shit is going to happen and to run from it is only a disservice to the possibility of learning a lesson by just standing right in the middle of it.

#personal

It’s always in times of distress or struggle that I find myself defaulting to writing.

There’s a general sense of malaise that has blanketed not only where I live but the whole world. We’re all in different stages of progression with this pandemic. It’s mostly frustrating feeling like I’m afraid of something I’m completely uncertain of. I’m unsure if it’s from a precautionary space but believing that I’m carrying the virus or believing that it’s laying dormant is best practice. It does help frame this mindset that I have power and control in NOT being a vector for people.

I’m most upset about the ways in which systems have shown their asses in this time. Obviously the current administration doesn’t even believe in science so there’s that. But when we peel back the source of all tensions at this time, it leads back to money. Money that has been allocated in weird ways that cannot be tapped IN A TIME OF CRISIS because of greed.

On a granular level, seeing people in my life (through social media and in person) haphazardly dealing/coping with this is frustrating. I had to step back from my anger towards people who are minimizing the virus because they’re just reacting off of their own fear and their own scope of understanding. On the other end, where I find myself to be, maximizing the impact of the virus is debilitating and stress inducing.

So where is the middle? I’m unsure if I can get the coordinates to it but I feel like I’m always just missing it. I’m assuming the middle comes through actions. Micro actions throughout the day. Distracting myself with something funny/positive. Chatting with someone about something other than the virus. Or commiserating that the virus is tearing the world apart but we are trying what we can to continue. Practicing mindfulness when washing my hands.

I just wanted to put into words what I’m feeling and what I’m doing about it.

#personal

girlfriend-ly-deactivated202509

I think there’s a misconception that when one has taken on a profession or a teacher position, automatically they never experience any struggles in that field. Even though I’m a meditation teacher, it means absolutely nothing regarding my ability to “Zen out.” Things still hurt my feelings. I still get caught up in negative thoughts. I don’t always act mindfully and react in ways I’m ashamed of. This past Sunday, I found some irony in leading a loving kindness meditation in the morning and then having some self-deprecating thoughts in the afternoon after comparing myself to someone else. I figured the only way out of it was through it. I let myself feel the sadness. I reached out for people’s positive words, including my partner, but they didn’t mean much when I knew it was up to me to feel better. It was apparent to me that it’s up to me to take responsibility for my negativity too. That shit is contagious. I ended up affecting my partner with my bad attitude. I quickly apologized and course corrected but transfer of energy is much more tangible than we credit it to be. I guess in the last 30 hours, I had two lessons unfold:

· Forgiveness is a strong way through some sticky negative emotions

· Take responsibility for your own healing

A really beautiful quote I read recently kind of put things into perspective: “Just because someone carries it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.” I never want to come off as knowing all the answers. Quite the opposite – I know very little about mastering the mind and emotions. But I think there’s some nobility in the humility. At least that’s what I’ve felt about all the teachers in my life (physical and nonphysical).

#personal

I didn’t realize how much I was in the throes of everything. I guess I’m constantly on the hunt for the next means of capturing my attention and leveling myself up. Since my previous update, I’ve become a certified meditation teacher, left my previous job for a higher paying and less stressful position (lol yes again), and began marathon training with Nike Project Moonshot. In my last post I was a week shy of attending my first meditation retreat. Hopefully it was first of many, though meditation retreats are costly and time consuming – not built for working class folks. The only way to describe that experience was I was cracked wide open and I let a lot of things in. Mostly light but also a lot of sadness. It began by shuttling in a van with friends to Massachusetts. I was already piqued by being the only person of color in that vehicle but then again, I was one of like 5 people (there are 24 of us) of color in the meditation training. Arriving at a strangely haunting dormitory like school, I again found myself in a sea of white people. I was greeted by three presenters, the lovely Jack Kornfield, another kind white man, and then a Pinay. After the welcoming introductions, I went up to the Pinay – Dawn Mauricio, and told her that seeing her face made me feel like I was supposed to be there. She smiled and said, “Just don’t look around.” We shared a chuckle about the whiteness of the space and I felt like I had a sudden ally going into five days of this retreat without the slightest idea of how this will unfold and impact me. I sat around in my silence, found solace in the friends I came with, and bided my time by doing yoga and running. It felt freeing knowing I had nothing to do but meditate and eat delicious vegan food. After two days of hearing heartbreaking accounts of loss and illness, I was spent. I was more tired than usual. But I was also feeling so much for everyone who shared their lives. I just had to sit there and feel it all. I still felt miserably lonely and much of my meditations were centered on that loneliness. I thought about the ways I wasn’t supposed to be there – what Filipino from NYC leaves their job behind for five days to meditate in the mountains? How selfish. I thought about how my parents and some people in my life that I love who would benefit from such an experience would never get the chance to do so. How saddening. Then while we were encouraged by Jack Kornfield to deepen our silent retreat experience by choosing to remain silent all day instead of partially throughout the day, a Black woman in the crowd shared her thoughts. She said, “The silence in this retreat makes me feel like I have no voice. I already feel like I have no voice as a Black woman. But being encouraged to remain silent is oppressive to me.” As I listened, hot tears streamed down my face. I was inconsolable. I actually left the auditorium, balled myself up into a nearby recliner, and cried. Hard. I didn’t realize that she had put into words so much of what I was feeling. From beginning to end, my lack of visibility and excess of visibility was heavy and felt. The issue was addressed by the presenters and we eventually had a PoC group form to talk about the lack of color in the room. It was a Band-Aid to a much bigger issue. It still felt thorough enough in that it was even being addressed.

Silence makes you go inward and also outward. It hits the pause and play buttons at the same time allowing you to soak in the external present while also listening to what is within. My first meditation retreat was nothing less of eye opening. I craved more. I actually felt a little overwhelmed and blindsided returning to the loudness and crowdedness of NYC. Finding another retreat to attend – if only for a weekend – is still in the works. If anything, it’s a reset that energizes and restores. At the end of the day, I have myself to thank. The work is truly set off by opening yourself up to the experience and diving in. Despite my fear and sadness, from the depths of those dark places, I found light. I can’t wait to see what else I learn about myself at the next retreat.

#personal

I haven’t written in this blog for over two years. I’ve had ideas for writing floating around my mind but never took the initiative to write them down – publicly and vulnerably. I’ve learned a lot in the last two years. Blogging was embedded in the culture of how I shared and connected with others. Something I’ve come to learn is sharing thoughts and feelings via tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, even Instagram is no substitute for actual help and connection. Shortly after I began the new job reflected in my last post, I started therapy. The negativity surrounding my life was bleeding into my work with others. Bleeding into my relationships. Bleeding into my feelings of self-worth. This is where I’ve disconnected from sharing my deepest thoughts on the internet. I found a therapist sitting across from me for 45 minutes listening to everything I said and felt and giving me thoughtful feedback. The loneliness of writing, particularly online, can be overwhelming. And through that work, I’ve learned to leave that toxic job and I’m currently in a higher paying and less stressful position. I’m also starting a part time therapist position in a few weeks because I want to return to direct therapy (and who doesn’t need more money!).

I’ve worked on improving relationships with others. I’ve restarted relationships, ended them, strengthened them, and embarrassingly neglected them. I’ve also begun meditating. I’ve loved meditation to the point that I’ve enrolled in a 300 hour meditation teacher training. I’ve meditated every day for at least 20-30 minutes since July 2018. I’ll be attending a five day meditation retreat with the amazing Jack Kornfield this January. And I’m attending weekly meditation teacher training classes that I find equal parts fascinating and informative. This is the biggest way I was able to work on my relationship with myself. By just sitting with myself – with all the hurt, all the happy, all of it.

Lastly, I’ve picked up running. I’ve always dabbled in running because it’s simple and to the point. But I never ran a race or worked on pace because I disliked the pain of it. Seeing my partner delve into the running work inspired me to work on my own running journey. Training for a half marathon has taught me discipline that I don’t believe I could’ve learned anywhere else. And that training proved itself on May 19, 2018 when I completed the Brooklyn Half. Now onto the main show – NYC Marathon 2019. We’ll see what lies ahead for me in the next year. I predict a few more races, some more sitting, and definitely working on my career. And maybe in a few months I’ll be blogging about my honest feelings about it all. But until then, thanks for tuning into the update J.

#personal

Self Care

I’m sure I learned my biggest lesson in self care this weekend as I passed a licensing exam for my masters degree. In a few months, due to passing this exam, I will be a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). The ironic part is while I was studying and focusing on this exam, I kind of lost myself; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

While learning the tenants of clinical therapy in graduate school, a big emphasis was placed on ‘self care.’ My classmates and I accepted the term, understood it as it related to our current functioning and threw the word around to justify silly behaviors. I selfishly viewed self care as a means to splurge on an expensive item because I saved up for it or a reason to down several pints of beer due to an upcoming midterm.

I didn’t truly understand self care until faced with studying for my licensing exam. I was working full time as a substance abuse counselor, which in itself takes a toll on the emotional well being of a therapist. You tight walk a thin line between over identifying with a patient to offer support or adhering strictly to boundaries that distance you from the patient all together; neither of which are easy to avoid or appropriate. I was managing a caseload of 30+ patients, had three interns under my supervision, and was dealing with normal life stressors (finances, family, work, etc.).

As I focused on studying, I wasn’t really absorbing anything. I breezed through undergraduate and graduate classes by minimally doing work in order to maximize on time and energy. This licensing exam forced me to adapt and change up my routine. While I was scheduled to take this exam, my parents were in Europe during the Paris attacks. I was barely eating, struggled with vertigo-like symptoms, was experiencing insomnia, and often fought with my sister. I didn’t recognize it then, but I wasn’t taking care of myself - AT ALL! I was pushing and pushing emotionally and physically just to get through all the things that were negatively impacting me.

I took the exam and I failed. By ten points. I was beyond devastated.

It took a long time to process where I went wrong and what I needed to change in order to pass the next time around. When exploring recent events with my own therapist, it came to my attention that the ‘self-care’ that every professor so intently spoke to was the main thing I wasn’t partaking in. I decided to make a change in every aspect.

I changed my thoughts about the test - it was no longer this end-all-be-all exam. It didn’t indicate my effectiveness as a therapist; it was just a statistical test measuring how much I studied to pass it. I minimized the mental value that I assigned on passing it.

I changed my physical health routine. I ate salads at least once a day, did Soulcycle twice per week, and yoga at least once per week. I took care of my body because I was starting to realize that the mind follows.

I was kind to myself. I was honest with myself and people around me.

I studied differently. Instead of memorizing all the material, I fought to understand it. I re-wrote diagnostic criteria, differential disorders, and specific features of over 250 mental health disorders from the DSM 5. I tirelessly completed practice questions while on lunch breaks, on the way home on the train, after dinner, and all weekend long.

As far as the day-to-day stressors that continued to impact me, I developed an accepting and distant attitude towards them. I tried my hardest to keep my energy positive by often meditating, mindfully breathing, and reflecting. I brought my ideas and energy to my patients who confirmed a change of attitude in treatment.

On top of all the ways I was trying to manage myself while preparing for this exam, I was offered another opportunity at a mental health clinic that I’ve always wanted to work at. The stress came when I had to complete specific legal forms for the state in a very short amount of time to validate my clinical experience and develop a “safety plan” to resign from my current position without burning bridges. I remember thinking while in the middle of my transition that should this have happened during my last exam, I would have lost it. My salvation was patience and positivity in order to ensure a smooth transition; and it worked! I will be starting my new position with more pay and less (unnecessary) stress on March 21st.

My assumption is that you never really understand self-care until you’ve been careless. It’s like one of those idioms that describe the inevitable uplifting that occurs after a hard fall. When taking all these measures into account and deciding to center myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I finally passed the exam.

This obviously isn’t the last time I will be challenged in a myriad of ways. I am working towards attaining my PhD after all lol! This experience taught me a lot about myself and about the power of self care. Above everything, we have the ability to be happy and attain our goals but all of those positive things we hope to achieve, in my opinion, start with the self.

#personal