I’m sure I learned my biggest lesson in self care this weekend as I passed a licensing exam for my masters degree. In a few months, due to passing this exam, I will be a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). The ironic part is while I was studying and focusing on this exam, I kind of lost myself; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
While learning the tenants of clinical therapy in graduate school, a big emphasis was placed on ‘self care.’ My classmates and I accepted the term, understood it as it related to our current functioning and threw the word around to justify silly behaviors. I selfishly viewed self care as a means to splurge on an expensive item because I saved up for it or a reason to down several pints of beer due to an upcoming midterm.
I didn’t truly understand self care until faced with studying for my licensing exam. I was working full time as a substance abuse counselor, which in itself takes a toll on the emotional well being of a therapist. You tight walk a thin line between over identifying with a patient to offer support or adhering strictly to boundaries that distance you from the patient all together; neither of which are easy to avoid or appropriate. I was managing a caseload of 30+ patients, had three interns under my supervision, and was dealing with normal life stressors (finances, family, work, etc.).
As I focused on studying, I wasn’t really absorbing anything. I breezed through undergraduate and graduate classes by minimally doing work in order to maximize on time and energy. This licensing exam forced me to adapt and change up my routine. While I was scheduled to take this exam, my parents were in Europe during the Paris attacks. I was barely eating, struggled with vertigo-like symptoms, was experiencing insomnia, and often fought with my sister. I didn’t recognize it then, but I wasn’t taking care of myself - AT ALL! I was pushing and pushing emotionally and physically just to get through all the things that were negatively impacting me.
I took the exam and I failed. By ten points. I was beyond devastated.
It took a long time to process where I went wrong and what I needed to change in order to pass the next time around. When exploring recent events with my own therapist, it came to my attention that the ‘self-care’ that every professor so intently spoke to was the main thing I wasn’t partaking in. I decided to make a change in every aspect.
I changed my thoughts about the test - it was no longer this end-all-be-all exam. It didn’t indicate my effectiveness as a therapist; it was just a statistical test measuring how much I studied to pass it. I minimized the mental value that I assigned on passing it.
I changed my physical health routine. I ate salads at least once a day, did Soulcycle twice per week, and yoga at least once per week. I took care of my body because I was starting to realize that the mind follows.
I was kind to myself. I was honest with myself and people around me.
I studied differently. Instead of memorizing all the material, I fought to understand it. I re-wrote diagnostic criteria, differential disorders, and specific features of over 250 mental health disorders from the DSM 5. I tirelessly completed practice questions while on lunch breaks, on the way home on the train, after dinner, and all weekend long.
As far as the day-to-day stressors that continued to impact me, I developed an accepting and distant attitude towards them. I tried my hardest to keep my energy positive by often meditating, mindfully breathing, and reflecting. I brought my ideas and energy to my patients who confirmed a change of attitude in treatment.
On top of all the ways I was trying to manage myself while preparing for this exam, I was offered another opportunity at a mental health clinic that I’ve always wanted to work at. The stress came when I had to complete specific legal forms for the state in a very short amount of time to validate my clinical experience and develop a “safety plan” to resign from my current position without burning bridges. I remember thinking while in the middle of my transition that should this have happened during my last exam, I would have lost it. My salvation was patience and positivity in order to ensure a smooth transition; and it worked! I will be starting my new position with more pay and less (unnecessary) stress on March 21st.
My assumption is that you never really understand self-care until you’ve been careless. It’s like one of those idioms that describe the inevitable uplifting that occurs after a hard fall. When taking all these measures into account and deciding to center myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I finally passed the exam.
This obviously isn’t the last time I will be challenged in a myriad of ways. I am working towards attaining my PhD after all lol! This experience taught me a lot about myself and about the power of self care. Above everything, we have the ability to be happy and attain our goals but all of those positive things we hope to achieve, in my opinion, start with the self.