How could you turn things around when sorry couldn't make anything? How could you make it up with someone when regret doesn't add up to healing? How could you put it all back when everything has been shattered to tiny little pieces? How could you make it go away when in all the things you see or hear brings every pain back and pushes you down back to zero?
“And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times.”
— Tim Urban, Wait But Why - How to Pick Your Life Partner
(via thelovejournals)
“When I find out who I am, I’m gonna know just what to do.”
Just a year and some months ago, I’ve navigated through life - half empty, half lost. Questioned every little detail of me that came to mind that might be worth questioning. Am I too much or too little? Am I worth anything? Am I not fun to be with? An endless, silent, and unhealthy way of hurting. A long list of self loathing thoughts that aren’t making things any more better. A narration of how our thoughts are not always self uplifting.
And just like a lot of things, this came to an end. People grow where they need to grow, even through the most hellbent pain.Dark ages have come to pass. And so I have to be someone that myself needs. I have to be my own hero because let’s admit the unspoken truth that every one of us is fighting our own battles.
I’ve discovered a lot from being healthily alone.
Being alone doesn’t ever equate to being lonely. It’s learning a lot of who you truly are, of what you truly want, of where you truly want to be, or how you truly want to be treated. It’s knowing the truth of the deeper you, of your choices, of your mistakes, of how beautiful you can truly be. You learn to love yourself - your actual perfectly imperfect self. You get to be comfortable with your own skin. You learn to accept your flaws and you start to embrace it. You finally get to define yourself without a stain of other people’s opinion of you, and for me that’s really beautiful.
Finding your solitude is like finding your happy place on Earth.
And when you get yourself back up, with the strong foundation of self love, I guess no one ever has the power to tear you up again. No one can bring you back to being that “half empty, half lost” because you already know that you got yourself. And you already know what you truly deserve because you know you’re that “strong independent woman, na mejo kulang sa lambing”.
As the end of the past year (2017) rushes to it’s end, I have killed someone. I have killed myself from waiting that somehow, something might happen. That somehow, maybe waiting at the end of that toxic relationship will eventually come into a “worth-the-wait” ending. But reality will always, without a doubt, prove you wrong. So I have killed someone.
I have killed my past self from believing that I am not good enough. My past self who believed I’m not going to survive without him. My past self who’ll endlessly save him even on the expense of herself.
Lost and confused in the midst of all the chaos and uncertainty, I killed my past self and pushed through all the hardships of moving forward, because yes, life must go on. Life must go on even those days when you feel like you don’t want to live anymore. Life goes on even on the gloomiest days. Life goes on. Time goes by. And whether you are ready or not, you have to wake up and be okay. Why? Because everyone’s bound to be okay. So I killed myself. I killed that self full of self doubt. I killed that self who had grown to be dependent and lost the trust in herself. I believe I was not meant to be that self, that I am not in my best shape, and I’m not bound to be that self. So I killed my past self.
And upon the death of that past self came the birth of this errupting ‘me’. This new ‘me’ has grown to build self love by knowing and finding her self worth. And that’s how I knew that building such is a good foundation because if there’s one thing I learned through all the madness I came from was this: you don’t need someone else’s approval for you to know your self worth and the best relationship you ever have is a good relationship with yourself.
And I have worked hard for this, for the ‘new’ me. I learned how great it was to be alone and not feel lonely. I learned to love those ‘me’ times and I found myself so profound with my personal space. Still, books are my companion — even eversince. I found that loving yourself is the best gift you could ever award yourself to and that self love shouldn’t even be that hard to do. And I’ve come to realize that oftentimes, when we’re asked “Who is your first love?” we tend to say other people’s name, yet no one ever answered “myself”. And I think ‘myself’ is the greatest and most important answer of all. Because at the end of the day, you’ll only have you.
Upon living with the re-birth of ‘me’, I have navigated everyday by knowing that I won’t have to beg for anyone’s approval for anything to be me. If they grow to like me, thanks. But if they grow hate me, thanks. I now believe that opinion of other’s towards me doesn’t, and won’t ever, define me.
On top of all this self love, you get to pass whatever vibe you got within you. And that’s how love comes from the inside then outside. Now, that’s where my outside came.
Finally, I already find myself wishing for a peaceful heart without a silver line of fear or doubt that maybe it’s another failure or another heartache. Finally, I am able to breakfree from all the insecurities and self questioning. Finally, I am able to confidently know that this time I already found a home not between four walls but between two loving arms. Finally, I am having someone as vulnerable as I am, as open as I am, as willing as I am. Someone who’s at best in compromise. Someone who’ll meet me halfway. Someone who’s not afraid of my silence, of my storms and thunders, of my conflicted paradox. I’ve grown tired of thinking that I’ve found a forever in a person. This time, I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve found someone who found forever in me. Someone with fresh eyes that are afixed to see me — all the beauty and ugly in me. That sudden person whom you never really thought would be the ‘one’. That person who doesn’t seem to look for the right one but had been the right one. That person who made it easy what love was, who made me realize how easy love can be, how safe love can be. That person I have right now. I guess it’s safe to say that today, at this moment, the right love, right person, and right time has found me. Now, it is safe to say that my heart is nestled onto its home — its safest, comfort zone.
Saludo ko dito kay Quest. Ibang klaseng musikerong Pinoy. Ang galing sumulat, tagos sa puso. Sa lahat ng kanta niya yung Walang Hanggan ang pinakahinangaan (at iniyakan) ko. Sobrang raw. Alam mo ‘yun? Sobrang sakit eh.
Sobrang nakita ko yung sarili ko sa kanta na ‘yun.
Kasi dinaanan ko ung gulong gulo ang puso, saan ba ‘to patungo? Di ko alam. Ito yung panahon na ilang buwan na halos ung lumipas, ni anino mo hindi ko nakita. Yung sabi mo busy ka. Ilang buwan bago tayo magkita.
Dito pumasok ung hinarap lahat ng balakid pero bakit walang kapit? Ang mga pangakong binitawan, di ko alam. Naghintay naman ako. Hinantay ko naman ung panahon na baka naman sakaling maging busy ka ulit pero sakin naman.
Tapos yung mga panahong naiintindihan kita, yung panahon sige ako na mag-eeffort kasi para satin naman un. Sinalamin nun yung noong ika'y nilalamig ako yung init. Kapag takot sa bukas ako yung unang sisilip. Kasi baka nasa weak point ka lang. Naisip ko un ung panahon na baka mas kailangan mo kong maging malakas para sa’yo. Kaya ayon nga sa kanta Ginawa ko nang lahat pero ito nga, mukang hindi parin sapat kasi ika’y mawawala na (at nawala ka na nga).
Hindi ko nga alam kung ikaw lang ang nawalan ng gana o talagang ung tadhana ang nawalan ng gana sating dalawa eh. Nanlamig na ung dati namang nagbabaga.
Hindi ko maisip kasi kung san at kelan ba tayo nagsimulang magkaganun. Kaya ayon nga kay Quest...
Kung maibabalik lang sana
Titiisin ko na kahit paulit ulit
Tapos pipilitin ko na di maulit
Sana mas inintindi pa kita. Sana mas naghintay pa ko, baka nga siguro may inilalaan kang panahon para sakin pero hindi pa nung panahon na ‘yun. Wala eh. Nakakabaliw rin pala maghintay kaya siguro naging demanding na ko. Kaya nga siguro nasulyapan mo ang ating dulo. Yung akala kong walang hanggan biglang nagkaron ng dulo.
At ito na si Quest. Tuluyan nang sinabi ang reyalidad ko.
Bawat segundo saking puso iuukit
Lahat ng alalala aking iguguhit
Para makalimutan mong may dulo
Ang sabi mo walang hanggan pero eto tayo sa dulo
Sobrang dami kong tanong (magpasahanggang ngayon). Saan nga ba ko nagkulang? Bakit tayo umabot sa ganito? Bakit nga ba tayo nagkaron ng dulo? Kung pwede lang pakisagot lahat ng bakit. Kailangan ko lang malinawan. Bakit ganyan? Bakit ganyan? Pero wala akong sagot na nakuha. Ang tanging nakuha ko lang ay yung pag gising ko, wala na kong dapat pang alalahanin o intindihin kasi wala na pala.
Sobrang sakit. Iindahin ko ang sakit na gumuguhit. Ngingiti sa likod ng luhang pumupunit.
Sinubukan ko na namang sagipin ang lahat. Pero nasulyapan mo yung dulo. Yung sabi mo walang hanggan, bat merong dulo?
Kaya wala. Nandito na ko sa parte ng kanta na..
Wag ka munang tumalikod
Bumalik ka muna dito
Padampi kahit anino
Ayokong mag isa dito
Wala na bang bisa aking dalangin
Tinataboy na ba ng langit
Nakikiusap nalang sa hangin
Ngayong wala ka na sa akin
Bakit ba biglang meron tayong dulo
Pangako mo walang hanggan
Bakit nandyan ka sa dulo
Pwede bang kalimutan mong may dulo
Handa ako sa walang hanggan
Pangako mo walang hanggan
Akala ko walang hanggan
Pero eto tayo sa dulo
Yung pakiramdam na handa naman ako magtali pa ng lubid sa naputol nating walang hanggan. Nandito lang ako, baka kasi sakaling gusto mo kong balikan kasi naiwan mo lang yata ako. Ilang buwan na kong nandito sa ating dulo, nandito pa rin ako. Yung sakit gumuguhit pa rin. Yung ngiti ko baka di na maitago ung luhang pumupunit pa rin. Ikaw yung librong hindi ko maibaba. Ikaw pa rin ang aking paborito. Itanong mo kahit sino. Pagmasdan mo ang ngiti (at luha) ko, ikaw ang dahilan.
Nga pala, may bagong kanta si Quest. Unang Hakbang. Tungkol un sa unang hakbang palayo sa dulo ng walang hanggan. Hindi pa ko dun handa. Ayoko pa. Ayoko pa humakbang palayo sa dulo natin. Ayoko pang gawin yung unang hakbang palayo sa’yo. Hindi ko pa kayang sabihing ayoko na dito, sawa na ko dito. Hindi pa panahon para pwede na kong sumuko, dito na lang sa dulo. Maganda yung kanta na yan, pero hindi ko pa yan kanta. Wala pa ko jan. Takot pa kong umusad. Dito lang ako.
Nandito lang ako sa rehas ng ating dulo.
rdrrn
Songs from Quest
Walang Hanggan
Paborito
Unang Hakbang
“Trillions of universe condensed into a fun sized, pistanthrophobic creature. She’s keeping it calm on the outside but carries an infinite chaos and destructive hurricanes inside her head. Solitude is where you can find her. She’s not loved widely but she brings this kind of love so deep you’ll find yourself drowning but asking for more. A deep ocean that hides a lot of turmoils underneath the sophisticated calm surface. A storm so strong you can only see the darkness, tremendous thunder and striking lightning. She has this beautiful but freezing cold heart. Indeed a walking disastrous tragedy.”
And so lately I have been on this melancholic phase that I cannot even function the way I should be functioning in the society. I couldn’t even exactly point the origin of this but I feel like it’s something that boils from deep within and I can’t help but feel weak and vulnerable and fragile and it makes my stone cold heart feel something - solitude.
It’s funny to feel alone despite the crowd that surrounds me. It’s even ironic to render care to my patients when deep inside I know that it’s actually me who needs some genuine care. I don’t even know how to address that need for care when in fact for the last few days or so, I kept on pushing people away. It’s like wanting for a company and at the same time wanting to be alone and it’s damn confusing. No wonder why others can’t understand me - I can’t even understand me.
I kept talking to my heart these past few days telling “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re cold but you’re okay and you’re still beautiful despite your scars and you’re still beating even when you’re in shattered pieces. It will be okay. I got you, heart. I got you.” And yes, it helps me survive. And somehow, I know that’s self love.
Somehow, there are times when I wish there’s someone whom I can vent all these out. Or someone who is strong enough to watch me bleed my eyes out when tears are no longer capable of crying their way out. Someone who is ready to see the hurting side of me. Somehow people around me are so used to seeing me laugh and happy and jolly and full energy that I guess sometimes they often forget that there is also a melancholic me. I guess they’re so accustomed to my strong independent woman side they forget the kulang sa lambing part. And I don’t blame them because that’s what I wanted them to see because that’s what I portray to be.
I guess hard times are hard times. These are just hard times. I just need a good cry and this will come to pass. I just hope it comes to pass sooner.
Some day, I will be able to sit in the corner of my very own house, reading all the books I want, drinking a hot beverage that I want, and worry not a thing because I know I succeeded in life.
When would you really appreciate the importance of a person? Is it really when it’s too late? Is it really when all you are left to do is mourn for what you believe is your loss? Or is it when you realize that you can never find another one like them and you’re a little bit too late because someone already showed them their worth?
I’m almost afraid to say this but honestly, I think the right question when it comes to this ‘appreciation’ is ‘Do we really appreciate whoever or whatever it is that we got in this life?’ I mean, could you honestly tell yourself or others how much you appreciate the life that you got?
In every single day that God has blessed me, I confess that somehow I commit this mistake of not appreciating every single thing that I’ve got. Like it starts from the moment I wake up and it’s as if I always expect that every single day I’m going to wake up. Often times, I neglect to say even a simple “Thank You Lord for this another day” as if it’s programmed on my system that after several hours of sleep, my body clock would eventually wake me up. I regret to admit that this even ends with going off to bed without even saying “Lord God, thank You for giving me this day to live.”
And so with my everyday life I think God made ways so that life could punch me with this ‘appreciation’ phenomena.
The first it hit me was when I passed my board exam. Never did I imagine myself being a community nurse. But since the exams are over and the waiting (for the exam results) game begins, my mother encouraged me to volunteer just so I could pass the time of anxieties of the upcoming result. And so, I did.
August 23, 2012 I am officially a Registered Nurse. So as I could give back more, I decided to stay a little longer as a community nurse.
And that’s when I started to realize I’m one lucky b*tch.
I’ve seen the extremes of hunger and poverty. I’ve seen those far from health services (where we conduct medical assistance weekly) and to them we are ‘angels’ sent by God. My life has been touched by those children who wore nothing but their worn out shirts and slippers from walking kilometers distance just so they could fall in line for the services we give. Some might say that those families gave me nothing but their crops as token of appreciation for the service that I gave from volunteering to that mission but for me, they gave me something that I couldn’t have learned if I haven’t met them - appreciation and gratitude. Not that I don’t have these two but those families gave me the depth of it. I love how fulfilling it was seeing them run after the van we rode after the mission just to continually thank us for dropping by their area.
After a year of being a public health nurse, I decided to venture the area I always love to be in - hospital, Emergency Department.
At first, I tried to become a part of Skyline Hospital and Medical Center. I didn’t fail. I passed every exam and every training they gave us as their pioneer nurses but truth be told, no one dares to wait forever for its opening.
And so I run to ask God, ‘where would you want me to go?’
I decided to continue my professional development by enrolling myself to Master’s Degree (which I’m still currently fighting a battle at) and waited for God’s Perfect Time.
Not so long after, God gave me His blessing of journey. I became a part of Grace General Hospital (and still currently am). After three months of training, I’m right where I always wanted to be - Emergency Department.
I couldn’t thank God more because He gave me what always have been my heart’s desire but as a sinful child of God, I still often neglect gratifying Him for everything He has blessed me.
And so He continually showed me His miracles right in front of eyes, in my every single shift in the ER.
One was when a man was rushed to us unresponsive, assessed to be death on arrival. His wife was already crying, and all we could do is the thing we do best - save lives. Upon preparation of intubation set, and upon the first attempt to intubate, the patient suddenly “woke up.” The kind of waking up that people do when they’ve had the worst nightmare. The first thing he said was ‘Nasaan ako?’ and honestly the first thing I said was ‘heaven is for real’. Not all has the chance to witness a miracle like that and I’ve got to witness one.
There’s also this one man (a patient of mine) came in to ER due to difficulty of breathing. Low oxygen saturation noted so an intubation was performed. Upon several management and monitoring, patient became stable. At around 4 am-ish, the patient can already follow command although the ET tube still cannot be removed. And as I was assessing the patient at around 5:30 am-ish (getting ready for a detailed endorsement to next shift), his daughter came. They had this one-way father-daughter conversation (since the patient couldn’t talk due to ET tube, I instructed his daughter to talk to his father by asking him questions that could only be answered by yes or no so the patient could simply nod for a yes and shake his head for a no) and I was there watching them as I do my ambu bagging - feeling glad to have witness that kind of scene, feeling even glad to have saved another life. But little did I know that the next thing about to happen was about to change mine.
Daughter: Oh Pa, magpagaling ka agad jan ha. Para matanggal na yang nasa bibig mo.
Father: *nods
Daughter: Bilisan mo magpagaling pa. Aattend ka pa sa graduation ko.
Father: *nods with tears on his eyes
All I could do in that instant moment was to look away so that my tears won’t run off my face. There I was listening to that very conversation and I couldn’t help but think about my dad. So as soon as I arrived home from that shift, I took a bath and hugged my dad so tight and from that moment I’ve been very thankful to have the warmest family I could ever have.
My point here is every day we are actually given a chance to appreciate and be thankful for every single thing and every single people we have in our lives. Whether they are family or friends or past friends or even those who hurt us or those who challenge us or even those who question our abilities and strengths, all of them are blessings. They’re always a part of what made us who we are right now. Even that person who lend you a seat on a bus while you were standing, or the driver of the jeep you rode on your way home, or that cashier on your canteen. Every single one of them are God’s blessing. Everything we have in our lives are blessings - our shelter, our home, our assets and even our liabilities. Even our past mistakes, they are blessings.
What I’m trying to say is that we must learn to appreciate things for what they are or people for who they are. We should always be thankful for what life hands us. It makes a big difference seeing things on a positive perspective. At least, we must be able to see things in our lives that really matters most. And for the least, those people who matter should at least know that you appreciate them and you are thankful for having them in your life.
Sometimes, we know exactly what we have but we tend to take things for granted just because we overlook the possibility that we might lose them one day. So treasure the life you are living. Don’t miss the chance of being amazed just by being appreciative and thankful.
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
theartofmadeline
titsay
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