#rdrrn

[rdrrnjrnls]

Thank you for making me realize that some people are not meant to be kept.

rdrrn

[rdrrnjrnls]

“Trillions of universe condensed into a fun sized, pistanthrophobic creature. She’s keeping it calm on the outside but carries an infinite chaos and destructive hurricanes inside her head. Solitude is where you can find her. She’s not loved widely but she brings this kind of love so deep you’ll find yourself drowning but asking for more. A deep ocean that hides a lot of turmoils underneath the sophisticated calm surface. A storm so strong you can only see the darkness, tremendous thunder and striking lightning. She has this beautiful but freezing cold heart. Indeed a walking disastrous tragedy.”

rdrrn

[rdrrnjrnls]

When will it be?

When would you really appreciate the importance of a person? Is it really when it’s too late? Is it really when all you are left to do is mourn for what you believe is your loss? Or is it when you realize that you can never find another one like them and you’re a little bit too late because someone already showed them their worth?

I’m almost afraid to say this but honestly, I think the right question when it comes to this ‘appreciation’ is ‘Do we really appreciate whoever or whatever it is that we got in this life?’ I mean, could you honestly tell yourself or others how much you appreciate the life that you got?

In every single day that God has blessed me, I confess that somehow I commit this mistake of not appreciating every single thing that I’ve got. Like it starts from the moment I wake up and it’s as if I always expect that every single day I’m going to wake up. Often times, I neglect to say even a simple “Thank You Lord for this another day” as if it’s programmed on my system that after several hours of sleep, my body clock would eventually wake me up. I regret to admit that this even ends with going off to bed without even saying “Lord God, thank You for giving me this day to live.”

And so with my everyday life I think God made ways so that life could punch me with this ‘appreciation’ phenomena.

The first it hit me was when I passed my board exam. Never did I imagine myself being a community nurse. But since the exams are over and the waiting (for the exam results) game begins, my mother encouraged me to volunteer just so I could pass the time of anxieties of the upcoming result. And so, I did.

August 23, 2012 I am officially a Registered Nurse. So as I could give back more, I decided to stay a little longer as a community nurse.

And that’s when I started to realize I’m one lucky b*tch.

I’ve seen the extremes of hunger and poverty. I’ve seen those far from health services (where we conduct medical assistance weekly) and to them we are ‘angels’ sent by God. My life has been touched by those children who wore nothing but their worn out shirts and slippers from walking kilometers distance just so they could fall in line for the services we give. Some might say that those families gave me nothing but their crops as token of appreciation for the service that I gave from volunteering to that mission but for me, they gave me something that I couldn’t have learned if I haven’t met them - appreciation and gratitude. Not that I don’t have these two but those families gave me the depth of it. I love how fulfilling it was seeing them run after the van we rode after the mission just to continually thank us for dropping by their area.

After a year of being a public health nurse, I decided to venture the area I always love to be in - hospital, Emergency Department.

At first, I tried to become a part of Skyline Hospital and Medical Center. I didn’t fail. I passed every exam and every training they gave us as their pioneer nurses but truth be told, no one dares to wait forever for its opening.

And so I run to ask God, ‘where would you want me to go?’

I decided to continue my professional development by enrolling myself to Master’s Degree (which I’m still currently fighting a battle at) and waited for God’s Perfect Time.

Not so long after, God gave me His blessing of journey. I became a part of Grace General Hospital (and still currently am). After three months of training, I’m right where I always wanted to be - Emergency Department.

I couldn’t thank God more because He gave me what always have been my heart’s desire but as a sinful child of God, I still often neglect gratifying Him for everything He has blessed me.

And so He continually showed me His miracles right in front of eyes, in my every single shift in the ER.

One was when a man was rushed to us unresponsive, assessed to be death on arrival. His wife was already crying, and all we could do is the thing we do best - save lives. Upon preparation of intubation set, and upon the first attempt to intubate, the patient suddenly “woke up.” The kind of waking up that people do when they’ve had the worst nightmare. The first thing he said was ‘Nasaan ako?’ and honestly the first thing I said was ‘heaven is for real’. Not all has the chance to witness a miracle like that and I’ve got to witness one.

There’s also this one man (a patient of mine) came in to ER due to difficulty of breathing. Low oxygen saturation noted so an intubation was performed. Upon several management and monitoring, patient became stable. At around 4 am-ish, the patient can already follow command although the ET tube still cannot be removed. And as I was assessing the patient at around 5:30 am-ish (getting ready for a detailed endorsement to next shift), his daughter came. They had this one-way father-daughter conversation (since the patient couldn’t talk due to ET tube, I instructed his daughter to talk to his father by asking him questions that could only be answered by yes or no so the patient could simply nod for a yes and shake his head for a no) and I was there watching them as I do my ambu bagging - feeling glad to have witness that kind of scene, feeling even glad to have saved another life. But little did I know that the next thing about to happen was about to change mine.

Daughter: Oh Pa, magpagaling ka agad jan ha. Para matanggal na yang nasa bibig mo. Father: *nods Daughter: Bilisan mo magpagaling pa. Aattend ka pa sa graduation ko. Father: *nods with tears on his eyes

All I could do in that instant moment was to look away so that my tears won’t run off my face. There I was listening to that very conversation and I couldn’t help but think about my dad. So as soon as I arrived home from that shift, I took a bath and hugged my dad so tight and from that moment I’ve been very thankful to have the warmest family I could ever have.

My point here is every day we are actually given a chance to appreciate and be thankful for every single thing and every single people we have in our lives. Whether they are family or friends or past friends or even those who hurt us or those who challenge us or even those who question our abilities and strengths, all of them are blessings. They’re always a part of what made us who we are right now. Even that person who lend you a seat on a bus while you were standing, or the driver of the jeep you rode on your way home, or that cashier on your canteen. Every single one of them are God’s blessing. Everything we have in our lives are blessings - our shelter, our home, our assets and even our liabilities. Even our past mistakes, they are blessings.

What I’m trying to say is that we must learn to appreciate things for what they are or people for who they are. We should always be thankful for what life hands us. It makes a big difference seeing things on a positive perspective. At least, we must be able to see things in our lives that really matters most. And for the least, those people who matter should at least know that you appreciate them and you are thankful for having them in your life.

Sometimes, we know exactly what we have but we tend to take things for granted just because we overlook the possibility that we might lose them one day. So treasure the life you are living. Don’t miss the chance of being amazed just by being appreciative and thankful.

- rdrrn

[rdrrnjrnls]

Someone I miss at two in the afternoon

January 05, 2016 6AM-6PM shift

Ordinary manic Friday shift.

This day started just as how other days has started but then something happened at around two in the afternoon and yeah, I’m writing this coz I think it’s worth a post and this is really something for me.

After a bulk of patients, we had this sudden conversation at ER.

Mam Che (head nurse): Rods.

Me: Yes mam?

Mam Che: Ano palang theme song niyo?

Me: Ha? Hmm. Parang wala naman mam.

Mam Cleo (senior nurse): Weh? Wala?

Me: Hmm, kanta nya sakin meron. Magpakailanman.

Mam Che: Anong kanta un?

Me: *singing* Magpakailanman hindi magbabagoo.. (Theme song of ‘Magpakailanman’ TV Show of Mel Tiangco on GMA 7)

Mam Cleo and Me: *Laughing so hard*

Mam Che: Hindi nga?

Me: Hindi mam. Rocksteddy kumanta nun. Di mo alam un mam?

Mam Che: Teka, tignan ko baka meron dito sa computer natin.

Me: Meron ako dito sa phone ko mam. *scrolls thru my music player*

Mam Che: Sige, parinig ako.

Me: Ito mam. *hands over my phone*

When I’ve heard the bridge part...

Me: Ay, ang ganda ng part na yan mam.

Mam Che: Oo nga.

Me: Namiss ko bigla si Ramil.

Mam Cleo: Ay oh. Naiiyak na siya.

Me: Hehe. Hindi ah. Haha.

What struck me when I’ve heard the bridge is the day (afternoon) he dedicated that song to me. It felt like it was just yesterday.

I honestly can’t remember the exact date, day, or time he let me listened to that song but I can still remember what happened and it happened this way...

Him: Lumabas na ung video nung proposal ni Chito kay Neri ha. Napanood mo na?

Me: Hindi pa eh.

Him: Ito oh *points at the laptop screen*

I honestly cried at the video of Chito’s proposal.

Him: Oh, bakit ka umiiyak?

Me: Wala lang. Nakakatouch lang. Biruin mo di ba, after all.

Him: Tsoge mo! *hugs me*

After some time of him surfing the internet and me doing whatever business I have that time, suddenly he played some strange music at a pretty loud volume. I honestly don’t know what song is playing and I don’t bother asking what song that was until I’ve heard the chorus part which says “Panahon ay lilipas din, mga araw ay daraan. Ang mundo ay papanaw rin ngunit hindi ang ating puso, ngunit hindi ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo”. And even before I’ve had the chance to ask him what song that was, he was already behind me, hugging me behind my back, whispering gently through my ears, saying “Yan ang kanta ko sa’yo.” So I stopped a while and give myself time to listen to it. Then the bridge comes with “habang buhay kitang mamahalin, habang buhay kitang hihintayin, habang buhay kitang mamahalin. Magpakailanman” and I can’t help but cry my ugly tears because, yes, I was so touched by that song. So I faced him and hugged him back because I can’t put to words what I felt that time (and up to now, I can’t put it to words coz I’m not quite sure how to rightfully define it.)

Indeed, someone you miss at two in the afternoon, a time when you’re with other people, a time when you’re at work, a time when you’re busy, matters more than someone you miss at two in the morning, a time when you’re alone and almost overthinking every little thing in your life. (Not that I miss someone else at two in the morning. HAHA. I was just saying.)

Right now, as I am writing this post, Magpakailanman is playing and I’m in my tears. I’m not ashamed of publicly saying I’m in tears because this song is part of me, us, since the day he said this was his song for me.

To you, RDJ, I miss you always. Copy? Good.

/rdrrn