“The secret I needed to hear, but was never told.”
The world spins around me as i try to tuck myself into dark corners,
A cloud of misery lingering above.
I think to myself and wonder how everyone else functions,
How they are able to live without fighting to exist
They move through days like rivers that know where their flow is leading them,
Like the morning light peeking softly through the blinds of the window is not something that weighs on their chest
Meanwhile i linger in the emptiness of crowded rooms,
Watching hours decay around me.
The smallest of things become mountains
A dish in the sink, an unanswered message, the act of simply getting out of my bed in the late hours of the afternoon.
I observe other people, searching for the secret they were handed
That never made its way to me
Some invisible instinct for living, a natural motivation to experience life outside of suffering.
Because to me, life feels unnatural
Like picking up a fork with my opposite hand,
And pretending i can pick up the food properly
Somewhere beneath the exhaustion, a part of me keeps reaching forward
Hoping one day i will wake up
And not move through doorways with the dreadful thought of tomorrow
following me around before today has started.