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I wonder if my mom remembers the last time she hit her only son. I doubt it. Which is weird. I'd remember the last time I hit my kid. But there are zero times I've hit her.

I was 13, nearly 14. She told me to "get over here, I'm going to tan your ass". I don't remember what I'd done. I was finally taller than her, or at least as tall. She's a small woman. I was a tiny boy. I looked down at her and said "no you're not". She hesitated half a second, then said "fine, go to your room". I was sent to my room for a couple hours. Had to come out at dinner time and ask if I was allowed to come out now. She acted like nothing had happened.

I wonder if she remembers it the same. Or if she remembers it at all.

readyforfailureihope

Well, she doesn't now. She died from a flu.

My partner came and cried on my shoulder on new years day. I never came to bed. We were supposed to go out and party, they canceled 2hrs before the plans. After I had spent weeks using those plans to prop myself up after my mom died. So I self harmed, and got drunk. They cried because they were scared they were gonna come down to a corpse, and I responded with "I won't do that to you. You won't find my body." Apparently that wasn't helpful.

Day 2 of 2026. Might self harm again today, which would be establishing a new years tradition. See how many days in a row I can fail in 2026? Already didn't make it through the first day of the year. Sat like a potatoe most of the day. Maybe that'll be my 2026.

I'm "falling off that wagon", but I just need to control SOMETHING

Need to vent.

Not doing so hot. Blood pressure went wacky last night, got kicked in the balls by a dr for it. Basically told me I might not be cut out for my job, if it causes me to get so stressed my blood pressure spikes. Like fuck, I just wanted to be dead by now, ok? It's not like I asked for my supervisor to FUCK ME DRY yesterday. I was doing two people's jobs, during what would have been a hell day if there were two people there. And the day before that, I got roughed up by someone senior to me who isn't even my supervisor - told to super rush on a job, because there was gonna be downtime afterwards (essentially, overwork yourself and it'll average out because you'll have down time) and then got taken to do something else during the downtime, before being sent back to the area that had been down, and told "we are way behind because of the downtime, I want to see you all sweating and working like DOGS, lol". The day before that I was asked to do off shift maintenance during the on shift. And as soon as the off shift maintenance was done, I was left alone on a two person job again. Like, this week has been beyond rough.

It's the next week. I'm on vacation. Fuck do I want to cut myself.

I haven't done dishes since my cardiac event. The one I had because life hates me. I have been trying, but I don't sleep at night and I fall asleep constantly throughout the day. I'm past exhausted. And my partner was throwing shit and shouting last night in front of our daughter, because they hate me when I'm like this. And I'm contemplating a break from the relationship, while they're saying it's a molehill and that I made them do it.

Really super wish I were dead right now. Fuck.

#again #fuck capitalism it ruins everything

Everything's connected. I know the web of trains.

Tonight we are saying goodbye to our oldest cat. Gummybear. She showed our family what it was to love. She slept with a kid who couldn't, so that they could. She would purr just from noticing you were in the room with her. Purr loud. She showed me what I wish I could feel.

Gotta vent this. Glad it's anonymous. My manager "copied all" on an email that was supposed to be management only. Or maybe he did it on purpose, wanted to congratulate the whole team, then realized what he'd said. Either way he recalled the email (deleted it out of everyone's inboxes) ten minutes after sending it. In the email (I did not see it, but it's the talk of the unit) he applauded that we are tens of thousands of dollars under budget. This has been achieved through a decrease in training costs, a decrease in staff on certain days, and a massive decrease in use of on-call or casual staff. Thing is, I had a trainee get asked three times in a ten minute window (by different shift managers) if they were ready to do their end of training assessment -halfway through their scheduled training. They are strong arming new employees into not taking the entire necessary time to get trained. And several areas that are supposed to have two people on them consistently have one these days. There are plenty of times you are working on something and a machine 30-40ft away is alarming because it needs you over there. By the time you can deal with that, the first thing is delayed, or needs to be redone because of time constraints, or is just being done poorly. All of this while our union is trying and failing to negotiate a new contract, because they want like twice what the board is willing to offer. It's gone to mediation. But every time I have reached out to my union about the unethical things our management is pulling they say "we can not do anything about items not listed in the contract".

Not doing so hot again. My partner is sick of me. I hurt them in the same way their ex did- I lied openly about my financial reality.

Which feels inaccurate, but fuck me if I'm allowed to say that. I told them I would deal with my finances, and refused their help until after it went critical, which is unacceptable. I knew they were traumatized by an ex who lied and gaslighted them, and then I lied and gaslit them about my ability to deal with my mental health and financial status.

By not admitting to them every time I missed a payment, by not reaching out to a financial adviser, by not dealing with my mental health, by asking to cover 50% of expenses when I was not dealing with my other financial issues, I not only lied to them, but proved that I didn't ever care for them, did not see them as equal or worthy of knowing about my problems, and did not trust them at all.

This makes me the spitting image of my parents. This makes me the spitting image of their ex.

This makes me a horrible person, who does not deserve them, and who should move out the day our lease renews.

That has me in some sort of mindset. I can accept feeling lied to, even if I didn't mean to treat them that way. But calling me the same as their ex, the same as my parents? That's just attacking me. So I'm also done with our relationship, unless I too get an apology. The difference is, I'm not going to ask for it. I'm not going to demand it.

I was 14 when I dated my first girlfriend. I liked her friend, but her friend didn't like me, and so pushed my first girlfriend onto me. In hindsight, I think her friend did like me, but pushed my first girlfriend on me anyways. Not sure why.

It had been such a big thing when my sister had a boyfriend at 14. She wasn't allowed one till she was 16 as per my dad's rule. She begged him to let her date this skater boy she loved. He turned out to be an ass.

When I asked someone out at 14, I knew a) my parents didn't care, and b) they'd just be happy someone would accept me. They'd never worried about me getting a girlfriend. I wasn't attractive, like my sister. I was male. I wasn't smart yet, I'd been in the special needs course only a couple years before (grade 4). I was a social outcast with eating disabilities and malnutrition issues.

So I didn't even think to ask my parents.

But I don't know why I was so attached to her after she'd said yes. I turned 15 during the 3 months we dated. I still have the shirt she gave me. Then she said she "didn't feel a spark anymore" and it was over. It was the first time my brain fractured. I started self harming. Something I'd still struggle with some 20 years later. My parents didn't notice after id been self harming for a few months, and I was getting pressured to join the rugby team, which was going to make it obvious I self harmed (change rooms? Yikes). So I told them. Swapped schools. Sat with the mentally disabled kids at my new school- the only people who COULDNT reject me. The only girl in the group thought I had a thing for her. I didn't. When other people started inviting me to join them, I dropped the disabled group entirely- to the point that the girl in the group came looking for me a couple times to see why I didn't like them any more. It wasn't that. It's that I didn't need them any more.

I got my second girlfriend when I was 16. I liked her friend. Turns out, her friend liked me.

I didn't like her (my second girlfriend) And I couldn't tell why. She was pretty. Smart. A socialite. Very conservative, traditional. Blond, blue eyes. Wanted to settle down and have five kids.

We dated for 2 years. I dumped her five times during those two years. Each time, she'd cry, avoid me at school a little, then I'd fold and say I was sorry for dumping her. We'd be back together. Rinse. Repeat. We started dating because we kissed once, and I said "oh god, are we dating? We better be dating to kiss." I was a loser. She was my first sexual partner. I was shaking so badly when we did it that she asked if I needed to stop. In hind sight, it was a panic attack. I've had a few of those in my life. At the time, I thought it was just adrenaline or something.

Her and I hooked up a few years after we broke up. I still had a panic attack when we had sex then. Like, five of them in a row, every night when I went to her place and we fucked. By then I kinda knew what they were. (Huh, wonder if my parents method of sex education traumatized me)

But when we really broke up, it was because the friend I had a thing for came to me and asked why I was still with my girlfriend, if I could have her instead. I'd always wanted her. She had tattoos. Argued with her parents. Wore black. Skinny. Snake bite piercings. Radically liberal mental state. Turns out, gay as fuck too. She cheated on me with another woman, about 2 years later. If my memory of the time is accurate (which I'm entirely aware it isn't reliable) I asked her what she wanted to do "tomorrow", refering to our two year anniversary. She responded with "we need to talk" then told me she needed space to figure out who she was. She wasn't dumping me, but she had met someone at work and wanted to see what that meant. I moved back in with my parents for two weeks. I have only snippets of memory of those two weeks. Even at the time I didn't generate memories. When she texted me I could come home, I didn't remember the two weeks prior. I was sobbing and shaking when we hugged again. Told her to leave the ring I'd given her in my room if she wanted things to be over between us. She

Did.

I told her I was gonna kill myself. Thanked her for removing the last barrier between me and the edge. She held me through that night, invited me into her bed. The bed she fucked the other woman in. I heard them going at it. Her room was right below mine. I shivered and sobbed till I slept. I was fucked. A couple months later, I got kicked out of the house. The landowner (a friend of mines mom) had sold the place to get son (my friend's brother) and they were "kicking out everyone on the main floor. All the straight people. They don't want to live with straight folks."

I moved into a place nearby. I decided to die. It was a rough year.

I wonder if my mom remembers the last time she hit her only son. I doubt it. Which is weird. I'd remember the last time I hit my kid. But there are zero times I've hit her.

I wonder if she remembers it the same. Or if she remembers it at all.

Not my monkeys, not my circus. Right? I got out of management. I can't handle stress like that. The gross politics of it.

So I got a job working in a medical lab. As just an average worker. (Had to go get a certificate and stuff, but definitely stayed away from anything "management").

And I am just being myself, in this job. Sucks I work for the government, and can see who got into power (oddly, a lot of our little freedoms went away when more right wing politicians got in). But I chose this, and I don't mind it. I'm helping people.

Slowly, I've been taking on more and more responsibilities. Odd that. We are a union. So sure, I guess, I get lots of responsibilities as the least senior staff. "We don't schedule anyone to deal with this portion of the lab work during the midnight shift. So we are gonna schedule you on midnights, and tell you to cover it in addition to what you're scheduled to cover. No extra pay for extra work. No, its "operationally necessary" so the union doesn't have anything to do with it. Ok....

And today is just the icing on that cake. I was scheduled for specimen receiving. Yesterday, people were joking around that there was no way I was going to get to do "such an easy job", because there is a major issue going on in a different area, so they'll likely throw me at that.

Got to work today and the schedule had been changed. I'm not just in the area of the problem, I'm in the center of it. I get to deal with the backlog from the problem not getting dealt with yesterday, plus I have to do it in a way that is more complicated and more time consuming, because the problem still isn't fixed.

I am worth less to them. They think we are not equals. That doesn't mean I'm worthless. But I am worth, less.

I need to start getting this out.

I moved the goalposts by detailing what I mean?

I just did the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for 7 days. The evidence of this is that the dishes that I did were the ones that I generated 7 days ago. I generated them the day that I did the dishes. I am told that it is unacceptable that I have not done the dishes in a week. Everyone else has also not done the dishes in a week. You then change the goal posts to: each person needs to deal with the dishes that they have created, which is not what we have agreed on and is not what is ever occurred. The dishes I did today were those I generated 7 days ago and all dishes generated since 7 days ago including four times others cooked. Things were cooked by not me and I'm the one who changes the goal posts and gets in s*** as abusive for changing the goal posts. When I'm not the one who just changed what the rules are for who does what dishes.

I caught Flack for sleeping for 8 hours straight today. Yesterday I slept two 3-hour increments. The day before I slept a 2-hour increment followed by 4 hours of cooking followed by a 5-hour increment of sleep. Yes, all totaled, I have almost slept 8 hours a day but to give me s*** for sleeping eight straight hours like a normal f****** human being is unacceptable

I woke up after sleeping 8 hours was immediately told that I am playing video games with them for 2 hours did so because that's an enjoyable family event. However, then got a 2-hour talking to about not completing my chores before going and doing an hour of chores and then leaving for an 8-hour shift. I'm going to then go home do multiple hours of more work because I wasn't able to do them today. Sleep for 8 hours and getting s*** that I'm behind on my sleep and everything schedule. Like, that's gonna make up 16 straight hours of having zero control over what I do- submitting to chores, and a dozen other things- which Kay was complaining they have to often do 12 or 13 hours straight of things they don't control (chores, parenting, etc.).

I demanded that Kay understand that we are equals. They disagreed. There is no reason they can give to disagree with that statement that should allow our relationship to continue. Their argument was that if we are equals that disregards and is insulting towards the ways that they are not my equal.

I think it is fair that I set a deadline on this. If, after our next therapy session, Kay is not able to accept that we are equals, the relationship will not be safe to continue.

readyforfailureihope

My 2024 resolutions:

1 Get my finances in order

2 Hit the gym at least once every seven days. There can not be a seven day gap between gym sessions for any reason

3 Stop self harming again

4 Play dnd again

5 Make at least one friend.

readyforfailureihope

Wow. Forgot I posted this.

Failed 4/5. Nice.

We were 16.

I think that's when the world first really fell apart, for me.

Her mom had given birth to her at 17. A family tradition it seems, as her mother was born at 18 before her. It was always a little weird. That her grandma was only a couple years older than my parents were. That she had a great great grandmother who was still alive.

And I liked her a lot. We were 16. But I was dating her friend, so I pushed her to date my friend. If we were all dating each other's besties, maybe we could still grow old together. Have a good life. I think I loved her, but I didn't know it.

My friend was known for throwing parties. His parents didn't care if there were a bunch of drunk 16 year olds all over their house.

One of those parties, they hooked up. He was proud of it. She once told me it was rape. That she'd told him several times that night that she didn't want to.

She got pregnant at 16. In some way, that's my fault. I didn't know that my best friend would force himself on her when I set them up together. I just knew it would make my friend happy to have an amazing girlfriend, and it would make my girlfriend happy to have her friend a) stop pinning over me and b) dating someone good. 'good'.

We were 16. Like her mom before her. And hers before that. And so on.

She got an abortion. They broke up. We broke up too, eventually. One day, a couple years later, she came to my house, and asked why I was still with her friend, and not her. I dumped her friend. I knew I loved her, then. It was the first time in my life that the person that I loved actually loved me too. But I think the world was already broken. The trauma of breaking the cycle was too much. She loved me, and I loved her, but she cheated on me eventually. It got messy. We hooked up again a few months after breaking up. Turns out that was her cheating on someone else, as she'd ended up in a relationship after breaking up with both me and the person she cheated on me with.

The world is broken.

Don't know why this needed to get written down at 3:34 am, but I couldn't sleep.

The suicidal urges don't feel so strong right now. I can tell they will be strong again soon.

Ideation is bad again. I finally work in healthcare. I'm doing something important with my life- working to help others who are sick or hurt. In the best way I can.

And you know what? It's a job. Should be the one job that as a society we have balanced out. Ya know? It should be that those that choose to try to help others out get a decent set of working conditions in response.

Instead, I get a talking to literally every single day. "hey, why aren't you doing X in addition to your job?"

I was taught that X is someone else's job. "that's wrong, just do it". Sure. But it just keeps piling up.

I'm already doing two full positions. Then there's demand I cover a third position, and do two additional maintenance tasks on top of it. And at least one of those positions that I'm covering demands full time coverage.

So I do three jobs at work. Then come home. Get complaints I'm not doing enough work around the house to be considered another full job. Then I've got the second job I work on weekends. It's.... Unattainable. I'm ready to check out. And I'm not getting rich working these 50 hour weeks +12hrs housework. Like, I'm floundering. I'm worthless, and I'm killing myself to maintain worthlessness.

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