â [nostalgic] summer romance!au ten
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not knowing what to say isnât a foreign feeling to you, yet when you come face to face with ten outside his apartment on this summer morning, you are almost too petrified to even string a sentence together
heâs really justâŠâŠ..leaving
ten shines a big smile and from the open door you hear kunâs exasperated voice asking why in the world ten is packing up his entire existence for a program thatâs going to last two months
ten jokes first, running a hand through his dark hair which heâs spent the colder months growing outÂ
âim the one going to a different country and yet you look like you might turn greenâ
his laughter tickles you and you force yourself out of the weird, frozen feeling, for his sake
âim not nervous - itâs just this is our first summer apart since what, highschool?â
ten leans against the frame of his door and lets kun scuttle past him with a scowlÂ
yangyang and hendery bounce after him with tenâs insane amount of luggage
âyeah but itâs two months, not two decades. plusâŠ.you know how much ive always wanted to do this.â
right. and here you are being selfish.
âof course, i mean itâs literally the birthplace of ballet.â
âtechnically thatâs italy, but france is a close second.â
ten pulls you into his arms before you register that this is your goodbye hug
âiâll miss you too.â
kun drives everyone to the airport, he complains and cries the most.Â
sicheng gives you a knowing look when ten takes your wrist in his hand and tucks your arm between his.
you ignore the look, and focus on ten. on him. and then - when the switchboard pops up his flight info - he gives a bubbly and excitedÂ
and then summer starts, just as heâs gone
âso when are you going to tell him youâre in love with him.â
sicheng brings the big gulp he stole from hendery up to his lips and you keep your eyes closed behind your sunglasses
âsorry, yukheiâs not my type.â
âyou know im not talking about yukhei.â
you dig your fingers into the sand beside your towel, the beach is already so noisy so you pretend you donât hear sicheng, but you still feel him looking.
you guess a part of it is true, you love ten. who doesnât?Â
is that the core of the issue then, that ten is so available and loveable and charming, that it makes him also unattainable?Â
or at least, unattainable to you.
you hear your phone buzz inside your bag and sicheng is being dragged into the water by the rowdy rest of your friend group
it could be a text from ten?
your mind excites, but you put out that fire
itâs probably just spam.
ten does text and even video call the first two or so weeks while heâs awayÂ
you get blurry photos of food at cafes and the eiffel tower, random fancy looking dogs being walked on the small, cramped streets
tenâs connection is kind of bad - but he still gleams through the fuzzy facetime camera as he shows you around the room the dance academy has providedÂ
pangs of his happiness and excitement seep into you
and then thereâs the first sign of worry comes knocking and twirling through his door
a group of other dancers, all beautiful and strong, asking ten - from the limited amount of french you catch - if heâs done, theyâre waiting for him to go to a show with them
ten gives you a scattered, quick goodbye. he says heâll video call again.Â
all you get is an update text almost five days later that has no pictures attached just a;
im ok - by the way i totally miss eating hot chips with you at midnight. ive had like a banana smoothie and thatâs it.
sicheng and kun are the first to pick up on the shift, you are quietly withdrawing to yourself
ten doesnât reply to your question about what the paris metro looks like, actually he doesnât even read it
kun nearly tugs henderyâs ear red when he shares a snap story of ten pressed cheek to cheek with his new dancer friends in front of the louvre when youâre in the same room
the thing is you are not jealous of any of them.Â
you donât go around trying to find their facebooks, clicking on their instagram profiles, comparing you and them.
you are just sad to your bones that they will understand ten in such a way that no matter how long you two have been friendsÂ
you will never, truly know
âyouâre his best friendâ
sicheng reasons on the phone as you stare up at the wall above your desk, littered in old pictures and clippings and your gaze catches on the ticket stub from tenâs first-ever solo dance performance
it had been a talent show in highschool.Â
it had been the first time you saw ten perform outside the corner of his cramped bedroom or the glimpse you caught meeting up with him outside the dance academy
heâs in paris, heâs with people who love it so much more than i do - they love dancing like he loves dancing.
i cannot understand that.
âi think you were right sicheng.â
i do love him. when am i going to tell him?
you hang up after sicheng has his i told you so moment and stare at your screen
a notification flashes across the screen and itâs a text from ten
the trains here are blue. i miss you.
you want to reply right away, so you open the message and start typing
i miss you too. actually, i think i finally understand why people who are in love are so hurt when theyâre suddenly left without their other half and ten you are my o-
you delete the sentence and make a face
you donât send it - or at least you forget to because your fingers are shaking and you exit out of the messaging app before checking
abandoning your phone, you turn on your side and stretch your hand out to reach the edge of the bed
thereâs enough space between you and it for someone to fit, so you remember the countless times ten has laid there
smiling and laughing and tickling your face with his sleeping breath
you canât even recall a conversation because there have been hundreds
suddenly you feel a warmth creep up your skin
hundreds of opportunities to tell him - and each time i chose to be a coward.
âyou should write him a letter.â
âthis isnât a movie, what - you think im going to write a letter and heâll jump on the first plane from france to come to my side?â
sicheng cocks an eyebrow as if to say it is a possibility
âno. im not writing a letter. iâll suck it up and confess when he comes back.â
you somehow end up writing a letter.
maybe because you really do want to just send a long text spilling your mushy, soft, pink feelingsÂ
but you know thatâs just not what ten deservesÂ
he deserves (and you do too, but you wonât admit this) a face to face confession
so you start retelling the moments that flutter up in your heart whenever you think about him
how he makes the room brighter when heâs in it, how he dances with every bone, joint, muscle in his body - how he approaches it with no inhibition and true devotion that paints its way across his face when he practices, how he fits perfectly into the hole that grows more massive every day you donât see him
standing there across the hall - coffee in hand, gym bag with his scuffed dance shoesÂ
by the time youâre finished - the letter is longer than you imagine. there are parts crossed and scribbled out, repetitive thoughts, and stupid little comments and metaphors that compare ten to flowers or clouds or anything else pretty in nature
you cringe at yourself, but you do feel better
it could be your outline for when the time to actually tell him comes.
you shove the papers into an envelope, write tenâs name and the address of his parisian dance academy just for the irony
and then make the mistake of letting it sit on your desk
in a matter of days, it has been swallowed by a bunch of other papers and trinketsÂ
and when youâre rushing around your room trying to get ready for another adventure to the beach - sicheng clinks the lollipop against his teeth and fishes it out - curious at the stamp
âdo you want me to mail this?â
he asks and youâre trying to find those sunglasses you literally just bought and grumble that sure, whatever - youâll meet him out by kunâs car.
halfway to the beach, you turn in horror from the passenger seat to look at sicheng in the backÂ
your eyes like saucers and a tremor in a voice
âwait. what did you ask me back in my room?â
sichengâs big smile is red from the candy, âyour letter to ten.â
and there comes the second pang of dread and worry that takes the overwhelming shape of your summer
oh my god - oh my god - maybe the letter wonât even make it. i mean itâs a letter to franceâŠ.itâll take at least a month to get there. wait - it probably didnât even have a stamp on it. oh god maybe the address was totally off and some poor stranger is about to be subjected to my very incoherent feelingsâŠ..
every day you look at your phone and thereâs no texts or emails or anything from ten
his social media has gone quiet too
you throw your dignity down a well and ask all your friends if theyâve heard from him and they all scratch their heads and say no, itâs been maybe a week since they did
your stress then turns from your love letter to a possibility that ten is in trouble
he kind of thrives from attention so it is very weird that heâs so off-grid
you decide finally, on the day that itâs been exactly a month and one day since he was gone, to call
you hover over the facetime button - should i text him first?
with a yelp, you nearly drop and crack your screen when tenâs name flashes across the screen
you settle your breathing and tell yourself he hasnât gotten the letter, thereâs no way - since when has snail mail been efficient?
you answer and are about to ask whatâs up when ten waves something into the camera
maybe you go into rigor. because tenâs eyebrows knit and he asks if your connection is ok, you arenât saying anything
you donât know if itâs just because you miss him so much that youâre able to drag yourself back into consciousness or because you are curious, in the depths of your mind, what his reaction will be
ten frowns and you think itâs coming. the rejection is coming.
âis that why you didnât answer my text? you sent the letter instead?â
âyeah, i said i missed you and you read it and never responded.â
a peek of a smile stretches on his pretty, bare face
âi never thought you were so romantic to send a letter.â
something burns on your skin but you just try to make sure your hand holding the phone doesnât shake
âim not - i just, it was dumb sicheng said i should write it because - i donât know. heâs the romantic, blame him.â
âyouâre the one that said i could make a shy tulip open its petals with my laughter.â
that smile turns into a grin
âand that my dancing manages to cast a spell on you.â
you hide your expression by turning your face
âare you going to re-read the whole thing to me?â
âshould i, youâre so poetic.â
âdonât make fun of me.â
your voice is serious this time, small and huddled, because you mean it
worse than being told he doesnât feel the same is to be ridiculed for holding him in your heart like this for so long
âim not making fun of you, the letter is beautiful.âÂ
you still canât look at him, itâs so ten to be kind before heâs cruel
âi could never write something like that - so i thought i would just call you and say it.â
you donât need to love song yourself into telling me you just see me as a friend
your head whips back so fast your phone drops and you curse and ten canât help but laugh
âsorry, sorry -what did you say?â
he runs a hand through his dark hair, the lighting in his room is dim and illuminates him perfectly
a large white t-shirt engulfs his slender shoulders as he sits up against the wall
âi love you. i know itâs corny to confess over facetime, but im guessing itâs more forgivable than text?â
a bubble bursts in your stomach and it makes you feel lightheaded and inhumanely blissful all at once
âmore then friends right, because your letter had this part about kissing im very interested in.â
you bite back your lip and nod, both embarrassed that heâd bring that part up too but also seeing ten - your close friend, your secret love - talk about kissing you
makes some of the neurons in your body go haywire
âgood, i seriously was scared you might have been pranking me with thi-â
âi would never. im not hendery.â
âoh how are they, ive been super busy with the practice for a review so i havenât talked to anyone.â
another thing you love about him, he keeps everyone in. he leaves none of his friends behind. he pretends like he couldnât have a care in the world, but he cares more than anyone else.
âheâs ok, he almost crashed kunâs car yesterday.â
ten shrugs, âexpected.â
and like that - everything is still somehow the same. there is no awkward phase after youâve talked about your feelings for each other at all.
because your love doesnât come as a one hit punch because ten is beautiful, although he is to an unfair degree
it comes from the experience of being around him. having so much of him. maybe even getting a little addicted.
you do talk more on the phone, no more long pauses even though tenâs practices get more grueling and you tell him to take his time to rest
but heâs sweaty on the practice room floor - texting you - telling you everything is sore but the thought of seeing you soon makes it all better
itâs three days before ten is scheduled to fly back that he has his review and you are biting your fingernails waiting for him to tell you about it
when you get a youtube link at like three in the morning - you click it and someone has recorded tenâs performance
somehow, he looks more graceful than youâve ever seen him
a new text comes in when itâs almost done
âi think i did well - can i get a reward?â
'youâll get a really good one when youâre homeâ
he sends a winking emoji and you canât fall asleep after because you wonder what heâs expecting, youâd meant a kiss - had he meant more?Â
you wouldnât mind that at all.
xiaojun is being pulled away from the conveyer belt by kun and hendery is asking sicheng for a sip of his starbucks as you all wait for tenâs plane to land in the airport lobby
you two have not told anyone - mostly because you know there will be endless questions you wonât have answers too and sicheng might literally never let you live it down
so you wait for ten to be here so you can suffer together
you see the gates from his flight open and sicheng mutters that you look like youâre going to pop like a goddamn balloon
for once in your life, you donât snide back at him, folding your hands in front of you and tippy-toeing to see over the crowd
and then, like seeing him for the first time all the years ago when you first met, ten comes out
hendery and xiaojun try to go for a running jump, but the older members hold them back because everyone can sense whats coming
you dash toward him and ten doesnât stay still either - you two collide so hard it almost hurts, but you donât care at all
tenâs duffel bag falls over his shoulder and your hands are wrapped around his neck before he can even say your name
itâs a first kiss that couldnât be more characteristically fit for you
sweet, big smiles tasted on lips, and interrupted by none other than your group of friends gasping in a symphony of shock
except for sicheng - he knew
ten tastes like you imagine he would taste, maybe because in smaller ways youâve already had doses of the sunshine that radiates off him before
he keeps his hands wrapped around your waist as he looks down into your eyes
âis that really all you learned in france?â
âummm yeah, i donât know how to say letâs get out of here and back to my place even though im pretty sure someone said that to me at some point.â
you pout, âdonât try to make me jealous.â
ten chuckles as you press your face into his neck and hug him close
the only way you get pulled apart is because someone (kun) reminds you all youâre still at the PUBLIC airport
the drive back is a frenzy and everyone wants to know everything and not about just you two - because youâre âtwoâ now - but about france and traveling and tenâs dancing
like youâd sensed - nothing has really changed
just this time, your fingers are locked in tens. and the warmth you longed for in silence is suddenly all out in the open.
funnily enough, you and ten donât ever write letters to each other again.Â
ten just doesnât like writing - it takes too much sitting down
and you are horrified everytime he fishes your love confession out of the memory box and dangles it above your head as leverageÂ
itâs how he convinced you into adopting the first cat. now you two have three.
so when you and him are deciding the best way to let all your friends know about your upcoming event you cross out mailed invitations
âwe can make an email list.â
your legs are thrown over his thighs on the sofa and heâs resting the laptop on you them
âletâs just make an instagram post: wedding in our backyard on thursday - youâre invited.â
âwe are not having a backyard wedding. we could not fit everyone in my dance company into it anyway.â
you play with your engagement band and sigh
âfine, fine. what aboutâŠ..we just call everyone and tell them. if we call kun right now heâll let all of the world know by the end of the week.â
ten agrees with a hum, but then starts typing and you lean over to see
âbulk wedding invites? youâre giving in?â
he closes the laptop and tosses it to the side, easily and gently pushing you down onto your back to hover over you with a small content sound
âi am. but we donât even have to write the letters - some company will do it for us.â
his lips are inches from yours and all of a sudden youâre young again - waiting to kiss him for the first time at that airport
âyou know weâll still have to write vows right.â
he is about to kiss you, heâs so close and your eyes are closing
âiâll just read your letter outl-â
he laughs, laughs until he finally does kiss you and then laughs again when he pulls back - the overflowing amount of love that exists in that moment is potentÂ
you tell him to get over that old thing, but he shakes his head
ânever, when again in all the lives i live is someone going to say i could make a shy tulip open its petals with my laughter?â