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@rebel-rainicorn
Nothing in this world stresses me out more than opening up the Facebook app and seeing an array of my booty pics at the top of the screen asking me if I “wish to post pictures from camera roll” like Mark why did you ever think that was a good idea? I’m gonna fuck around one day and expose my entire self to my family.
Ah yes, the three genders: Girl, Boy, and Mischief
@xxxnixon
“Look below, and I shall grant your wish.“
“Haha… Got’em.“
And that’s how we turned Rose Faeries into Potato Faeries
‘Okay, so, today at work I asked a question that made my boss recoil, but apparently, once asked, he has to tell me the full story or ‘bad things will happen’. Which, as it would, immediately piqued my interest. I did the mash up last night, so I know that I left potatoes in the bin. I was last one out, and first one in this morning, and the potatoes are gone from that bin. Bit of a ‘huh?’ moment. And my boss … he starts telling me about how they always used to put out roses outside the restaurant when they opened. “What? Isn’t that expensive?” “I mean, yeah, but it’s just what you do when you open a restaurant” What the fuck kind of answer …? Anyways, the roses always used to disappear, so they had to replace them everyday, (This skinflint spending that much cash?!). One outside the front door, in that little metal thing that I had forgotten exists. It’s above to the right of the front door, a small circle made by 8 vertical bands of metal, each in an ) shape. So, like, the cross-section is a )(. Apparently that’s a flower holder. And then outside of the back door, apparently the old wooden post there never held up anything, it was just a post with a vase on it. That he drove into the asphalt there. In the alleyway. “What? Why would you do something so pointless?” “Anyways,”, he brushed me off, “like I was saying, we used to put out the roses every night [[emphasis mine]] and they would always be gone by morning. City kids, right?” “Why did you keep doing this?!” “We had really good luck opening, I didn’t want to screw it up” At this point I feel I should stress that my boss is a straight-laced no nonsense, no superstition, don’t-do-needless-things, pennypincher without an ounce of spirituality in him. But throughout all of this he’s defending putting out roses at nighttime, like it’s the most obvious thing n the world. Just when I think he’s playing the longest, weirdest joke on me, he brings out the iPad, and he starts showing me security footage. It’s indistinct, it’s too dark, he’s trying to point out that the rose never changes from the beginning of the night to the end, but when it gets bright again, the flower is just gone, while the stem remains. It’s about this point that I realize: This is a faerie sacrifice. This is how you sacrifice things to goblins and faeries. These are rose faeries. Now you might not know, even if you live here, but Newfoundland has a tradition of rose faeries. We basically took all the stuff british colonists knew about faeries and said, ‘yeah, well, it’s all about wild roses now’. Hike up to Signal Hill from behind the geo centre and you’ll pass a faerie ring of rose bushes that someone planted because of that. (It’s not obvious at first). Later in Newfoundland history, we star replacing all of the rose faerie tales with tales about Mother Mary, (As in, Christianity), whose flower is the rose. Ask around the old folk, they’ll tell you tales about people getting sick or getting well really suddenly, followed by a strong smell of rose. About people working on church roofs, falling down into rose bushes, and not getting hurt. About statues of Mother Mary crying rose oil, indicating that an infant will be left in front of the statue soon. Those are all stories that are actually about rose faeries, but they changed the topic. I guess they still pay respect to them, they just think they’re paying respect to god with rose petals and rosehip tea. “But what’s this got to do with potatoes?” Well, he said, he kept this up for about 5 or 6 months, and then the winter started. And back then, the florists in town didn’t stock as much in green houses, there wasn’t enough call for it. So he wasn’t able to get roses. The restaurant had really bad luck for a while, but then one day, all of the potatoes in the restaurant went missing. Of all the things, not the tenderloin steak, not the fresh salmon, not the halibut, not the cherries, not the fresh baked bread, the potatoes. And the luck came back. And he hasn’t questioned it since. “So, about how many potatoes go missing every week?” “About 25lbs in little bits” We turned rose faeries into gluttonous potato faeries.
How does that even happen?! Was a faerie just screaming “Where are the GODDAMN ROSES?!” while breaking into the restaurant?! And what the hell happened when it found the potatoes?! Like, *monocle pop*, “What the fucking WOT?!:, while holding up a potato and looking at it in reverence?
What do they even DO with potatoes? I mean, the obvious guess is ‘eat them’, but like, did they eat roses? Are there faeries somewhere swimming in potato water, blessing our restaurant for the earthy smells we have bestowed upon them?!
Just … potato faeries. We have fucking potato faeries in the restaurant where I work. Potato. Faeries.
(wondering idly how many people have tagged @seananmcguire on this one.)
Lord knows I was about to.
@bookhobbit
*sees friends hanging out without me*
50% of me: i should tell them "wow thanks for the invite"
50% of me: nah,i got too much pride for that weak shit
You swerve to avoid a squirrel. Unknown to you, the squirrel pledges a life debt to you. In your darkest hour, the squirrel arrives.
I showed this to my 5 year old nephew and said ‘what do you think this brave squirrel’s name is?’ and he replied ‘Sir Nuts-a-lot’ and my mom has been laughing for about 5 solid minutes
get reck’t sister Gertrude
what if a bobcat had a bob cut
that bob cat is out on the prowl for the manager
2017 mood
this mans just came for my life
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Rich white man fucks the entire country at once
so the girl who was doing her presentation today is literally just. a female version of napoleon dynamite in every possible way like she even sounds like him she has the same glasses.
anyway right before she gave the presentation she was like “just on a personal note um… i just found out 30 minutes ago that… the guy ive had a crush on for a few months… has a girlfriend so… if i seem out of it that’s why…” and then everyone was just SILENT and the professor was like “… well um im sorry to hear that.” and then she was like “despite telling me this whole time that he DIDNT have one…. but i have to present anyway….” and everyone in the class was just visibly so uncomfortable
let her be
Imagine going to a party and the white suburban stay at home mom with two overachiever kids and white dad who barbeques but doesn’t know how to barbeque and yet is always surrounded by other white Dads who compliment his barbqeuing even though they’re just store bought preshaped frozen patties from Ralph’s or Food 4 Less and while he’s cooking those the white mom comes out and says “okay kids, here’s some pizza!” And she pulls this out and starts telling the kids why its a “fun pizza” and then cries in her master bedroom when no one likes it or finishes it and the white dad is then consoling her why she sobs that she’s a terrible mother and ruined her fourth grade straight B+ sons birthday and thinks her kids hate her but they don’t care but she continues crying softly into her pillow while the children eat poorly cooked burgers with unmelted kraft singles and too much mayonnaise and the only other condiments are two pickles and pepper because the dad calls it his special burger with a secret spice but the spice was just pepper and the kids just keep playing E rated games on their Nintendo Wii while the 17 year old older sister starts cleaning the tragedy up and throwing away uneaten “fun pizza” and whole burgers dejected from the start while she dials Pizza Hut to get these kids an actual birthday lunch and the mother then throws a fit because the daughter did something the kids liked and she didn’t and was the only one making a huge deal out of it and the daughter was then grounded from her TV in her room for only two days and the son went to blow out the candles in his standard birthday cake from food 4 less the mom added strawberries to so she could feel she did something but was still slightly teary and sad because her day was ruined by no one wanting to eat her “fun pizza”
i mean i’d eat it
that was a wild ride
