Recherche Enigma

[recherche-enigma]

And I suddenly can't feel.

I can't read the words I wrote; can't comprehend the language I know. I can't hear the silence or the chaos my mind speaks.

I'm different.

Everything suddenly is.

The usual steps in my comfort zone wrapped the familiar hues of white with gray. Or black. Or nothing.

I am livid, torn, desperate.

Run.

The tangles around my ankles drag me across hell Earth and I am alone, as I've always felt.

Alone, as they told me not.

Alone, as I am made to believe I am not.

Today brings me another cup of coffee I cannot taste, another lavander I cannot smell, another blanket I cannot feel.

Even when caffeine and flowers are my favorites, even though I stay sunken in bed for days.

I do not know who I am.

I cannot live knowing who I am.

[recherche-enigma]

I. Fluttering

I remember

The velvet of your lips

Reverently pressed against these sheets

As forlorn kisses

Leave irreversible traces

Diving under my skin

II. Flitting

I still remember

The silhouette of your dance

Intricately etched against these walls

As violent embraces

Leave paradoxical mazes

Drowning in my veins

III. Fleeting

I always remember

The fervor of your touch

Ardently imprinted against this temple

As haunting fingertips

Leave preposterous puzzles

Breathing within my ribs

[recherche-enigma]

I wonder how it was once like to feel alive.

[recherche-enigma]

I will love you as if there is no one else in the world besides you and me. The kind of love perfected by miracles, dreams, and hope. With your head on my lap, I will hum the tune of your favorite song while caressing your hair. I will love you the best I can, until that man comes back—the man who never chose me. And when my miracle, dream, and hope comes back, my love for you will cease. I may wipe your tears as you cry, kiss your forehead at night, and lend you a shoulder to lean on, but my eyes—my darn eyes—will always be on him. My lips will crave the nook of his neck, my solitary moon will yearn his cozy sun, and my hands—my wretched hands—will feel empty without his intertwined. As I choose you, my soul will not break its bond with his. My prayers, glued to his spirit, will echo at the most silent hours. As I choose you, my heart will not stop skipping a beat. My admiration, imbued in his blood, will reverberate at the thought of him. As I choose you, my body will keep reminding me of traces of his lust. My skin, engraved on his tattoo, will burn at your slightest touch. I will choose him over comfort, security, and happiness. I will choose crippled joints and broken bones. I will choose his hell over my sanctuary. Even as he whispers to another woman of his love for her, I will still smile and choose him. As I move on to a better life, at the back of my mind, I will always choose him. After all, he never chose me—his heart did.  And I will eternally be his.

excerpt from the moment I never knew how wonderfully disastrous love can be

[recherche-enigma]

Losing Control

She seizes the

fire in her veins and

the poison in her lungs.

-

Clenched jaw and fists,

drip blood, perspirate tears.

At the back of her mind her fears

pouring hoax, ripping cracks.

-

She seizes the

tremors in her hands,

the dissonance in her ears.

-

Lulled eyes to sleep

with lies plastered on

the thought of his smile,

his eyes, and his favorite lie.

-

Mourns, whimpers;

devastated at the sight

of what never happened.

Overthink, overhurt, repeat.

-

She seized the

the future in her dreams,

and the past in her wake.

[recherche-enigma]

i.  g u i l t      she doesn’t know      but I can see it   in the way her lips stutter   her hair disheveled   her eyes somber   she’s troubled,   but she’s perfect to me ii.  r e g r e t s   she doesn’t know   but I can see it   in the way her lips clamp   her hair scruffy   her eyes uncertain   she’s exhausted,   but she’s perfect to me iii.  l i e s   she doesn’t know   but I can see it   in the way her lips blanch   her hair smoothed   her eyes abysmal   she’s desperate,   but she’s perfect to me iv.  t r u t h   she doesn’t know   but I can see it   in the way her lips swell   her hair curled   her eyes ecstatic   she’s in love with him,   but she’s still perfect to me

excerpt from the moment I knew I’d love loving you even if the world tore me apart

[recherche-enigma]

Amnesia

Travelling across the globe with one face to remember, I forget your eyes, hair, and lips.

Brown, black, pale.

Walking down the streets with one touch to remember, I forget your skin, caress and grip.

Smooth, gentle, firm.

Dining out of town with one story to remember, I forget your voice, laugh, and tone.

Mellow, hearty, passionate.

Crying to sleep with one memory to remember, I forget your tears, sickness, and death.

Ocean, lung cancer, yesterday.

Falling back to the void with only you to remember.

I forget how to love,                     I forget how to live.

[recherche-enigma]

Day and Night

The dawn is awake. The warm rays shadow your skin.

You glow underneath my palms, shiver at the swirl of my tongue.

Will you still love me without my lips on yours?

The twilight is silent. The cold winds burn your touch.

I tremble above your chest, dim at the sigh of your breaths.

Will you still love me without my hips on yours?

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"The wail of my cries almost slipped out the moment I remembered how you sung my name as if you loved adored liked me it."

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L-3: My Bad

A futile attempt. A mistake. A mess.

I shouldn't have held your hand tighter when you were trying to break away from the scorch of my touch.

I wanted to fight for us so bad, my bad.

I shouldn't have caressed your back and played with the curls of your hair when you thought of someone else as me.

I wanted you to feel my love, my bad.

I shouldn't have smiled when it hurt and said it's fine when it wasn't because now my jaws are locked and my cheeks a river.

I wanted to stand strong for us, my bad.

I shouldn't have imposed my feelings on you too much when it was obvious that you loved her better than you once did to me.

I wanted us to stay until my skin wrinkled, my eyes blind and my ears deaf, my bad.

I shouldn't have given everything to love you best when all I had was nothing but loans and debts.

I just wanted to make you the happiest, my bad.

[recherche-enigma]

L-2: I Shouldn't Have Left Home

I shouldn't have seen the stars that night and thought they were beautiful.

Sparkled like luxurious jewelry, they did.

So I flew far and danced under the bright moonlit night, forgetting what I did.

I shouldn't have felt the heat of the sun's dandelion rays and thought it was warm.

Comforting like hot chocolate, it was.

So I wrapped myself in cotton, flowery blankets and basked in the taste of artificial sugar, even though I knew I had Diabetes.

I shouldn't have thought the ice numbed the smile on my lips and let it slip away.

I've always loved the cold, cuddle weather. I remember we walked under the rain on the way home, and the way his eyes wrinkled whenever he smiled.

I prefer the warmth that flowed underneath my skin whenever I was huddled between his arms. The heat outside is too hot; please take me back in your embrace.

I forgot to take my insulin, forgot to take my sheets to the laundry, forgot to cool my drink before sipping.

I am dysfunctional without your lips on mine, miserable without your hands intertwined, hollow without your music in my ears.

I shouldn't have taken the rosary bracelet off the day I left. If I hadn't, God might have helped me find the way back sooner before the remnants of us disappeared.

[recherche-enigma]

L-1: I Should Have Held Your Hands Longer

Skin to skin,

the numbness

creeps at the spine;

my toes tingle,

hands sweating ice.

I've dreamt a handful

of hopeless romance,

wishfully thinking

that you and I stay

together forever.

Nose to nose,

the scalding heat

fogs the vision of my hopes

my eyes blurred, wet, shaky;

should I hold your hands

a little bit longer?

I've felt your warmth

travel through my veins,

butterflies fluttered about

and I have not an ounce

of regret as I feel them leave.

Lips to lips,

the explosion

destroys my sanctuary

kisses chapped, blue, dead;

I should have fought and

begged you to stay.

I've engraved your name

into the pillars of my walls,

your scent into my clouds,

now every brick is demolished

but the house we made love in

have no regrets ever calling it home.

[recherche-enigma]

Salvation

Lay under the aqua blue blanket, love. The clouds and the sun stand down before the sky. Heavy breaths and low groans in deep sleep, I shiver as you pull me closer to your chest. Succumbing to the darkness which covers the dirt in my hands—the filth of my soul, you let me doze on the shore of your touch. Sculpt my body painting a masterpiece, love. Carve the flaws into something desirable like the lines curving croissant; crescent as you color my walls the galaxies in between. Defying the laws of nature and man where the blood in my dress—the scars on my back fade slowly under the spell of your kiss. Take away my heart and brand me yours, love. You are the sky to my clouds and my sunshine. Make me reckless and leave me breathless; this is the memento of your warmth to my skin. Conquering the darkness wrapped up in your fists: the ensemble of my misery—the scorn of my past, you save me as you trace my skin with remnants of your love.

[recherche-enigma]

I Am A Fake News

I am a fake news. My truth echoes beneath the ocean of lies the media set; waiting to be felt, waiting to be seen. An angle from the deepest trench and the darkest hole, my story is yet to be read and my voice is yet to be heard.

The truth you hear, the truth you speak, and the truth you know are exceptionally distinct from each other. You heard it from whom? You speak it to whom? You claim it because of whom? Before you believe in something, answer this: How far have you gone to seek the truth you boldly preach? How much depth have you proven for it to be considered true?

I am an enemy of fake news. My truth is euthanized for the world not to hear. It is exiled behind bars and painted white for the media to show. Branded as free, the lies smile charmingly before the flashing lights and again, my story is ignored and my voice is silenced.

My public servant shoves a golden spoon down my throat as if telling me to shut up for everything to be okay but NO, I DO NOT WANT OKAY. I have to say the truth. I have to stop the tyranny of deception and my public servant knows so his soul quivers behind his stern gaze, terrified of the truth. His smile whimpers, his hands clenched, and his voice pleading. We both know that he lost the fight because I know the truth.

I am the truth.

I am fake news to everyone who swallowed every bit of lie the media set. My truth is a hundred steps backward outside the frozen picture the society lived in. With sheer will and hope, I sought the truth and now embrace it with both arms. My story is ready to be read, and my voice is ready to be heard for only a lie can haunt the conscience of my mind, and only the truth can calm the dissonance of my soul.

[recherche-enigma]

Let me wrap your chaos between my marked thighs and shivering arms. My touch is Valium upon hurricanes, your secrets clandestine beneath tongues. I swear I’ll keep it mine in a casket ‘til you stop haunting me in my sleep. Let my chaos collide against the maelstrom of your thoughts, the savagery of your kiss. Your hands are wild, causing an uproar from the moon’s gentle beam. I promise I’ll keep you mine between my disheveled hair and swollen lips.

[recherche-enigma]

Winter

Winter is here.

Snow fills the driveway and I’m locked in the warmth you once brought. When will you come back to my arms, love?

I’ve heard a thousand stories about you and the thought of who we once were lingered at the back of my mind.

Your name stayed beneath my tongue, swirling unwanted passion—unwanted memories until the taste of your lips fades.

It never does. The feeling never does. I remember how sweet it was, I remember how you gently held my waist and pulled me so much closer to you, pulled me very much in love with you.

We proved old fairy tales wrong. It was never just a spark. We exploded like pink gemstone dust above the ocean’s grace.

You and I were drunk in passion, assaulting lust and luxury in our lips while battling against our breaths whispering “I love you”.

Once upon a time, we basked in the illusion of love. Another time, we ended and I was left still in love with you. Tonight, I wonder when you’ll come back to my embrace.

Tonight, winter is here. Without you, again.

[recherche-enigma]

It was as fast as a daydream. Quicker than blinking eyes and softer than white lies, we barged into the sunshine after the storm. Blurry images caught on camera due to fastpaced laughs as we spun around the rainbow shining on the blank canvas of the sky. We forgot to prepare for the quake so we wobbled and struggled while the ground crumbled and our love turned to rubble. We forgot the world and blamed the consent of time. As fast as a daydream, you and I collapsed.