insignificant existence @recklessluse - Tumblr Blog

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I need to process what is happening around me. I have been scared of mediocricity- about not meaning enough. Is it catching up to me? So much blankness scares me, feels like mediocricity lurking somewhere and I can’t catch hold of it.

It is a dispassioned game of chess. Play it well. From a distance. Don’t ride the pieces.

Is it the death of the I by the master or is it an opportunity missed?

The sadness that wants to flow out of me. Remove me from all passion. So that the right can come forth without resistance. Let it flow. Let the sadness flow.

The fragrance that haunts me

Everytime you leave, you leave behind yourself in my sheets and in my mind. Insanity.

What If I were smiling

What if i were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what i see now?

A tough month, now that you are here.

Running into you, waiting for you, avoiding looking into you, hoping you would see me too yet knowing you shouldn’t.

I’ve always wondered what it is to be a part of a tribe, to dedicate your life to a movement, to live for something that wrings your soul.

I’ve always wondered what I’d feel then. Would I feel rage or would I feel determination?

Now, that the true possibility of change is dawning upon me.... I feel numb. I feel that there is nothing left to feel anymore because it has all been enveloped in that one feeling- a sense of purpose. A sense of taking things through, no matter what.

Something bigger than my human body, something transcending life, ego and the man I love. Something I will not be able to escape.

I have a great responsibility, and I can also feel the conviction that I will be able to contribute my best to reach the purpose.

He said it.

What was it that brought us so close in a 2-hour conversation.

Something that changed us for the rest of the time we have together.

He said he loved me for the first time yesterday. I know he did not mean it like I would have if I said it to him. And thus I remained quiet.

But the proximity has made me more vulnerable if anything.

I do not know how to be so near to somebody and find them dissolving into the air when I step forward to touch them.

I am not complete, because you own a major part of me.

As we were sitting there baring our souls, you talked about the choices you made and the things you’d felt and then it suddenly dawned on you how similar the both of us are.

But for me, we have always been more. We’ve been one.

I know I was hoping we’d connect sometime, but now I realise how cruel this is for me. You said you love me, but it broke me to pieces.

Me, to her

Hey, listen don’t leave me. Where are you going?

I am taking you with me, i have never left your side.

You do. With all those people around, you forget me. You forget to take care of me you forget to protect me from their hurtful actions and words.

But didn’t i build that aura to protect you?

You did, but it doesn’t work it still hurts. Stay with me. Like you did, through the morning. Watching movies, painting what’s in my head. Talk to me about my dreams and fears. Listen to me please?

Alright. Let me sit down and open tumblr. Let us talk again. Tell me about your dreams?

I want to live near the ocean, sleeping to the song of the waves and tasting the salt in the air. With the smell of hope and home around me. Just like the lighthouse that i once called home. And i want to be around a cat. With it’s sharp eyes and comforting purrs. I want to sleep by its side. I want to see the world. Travel travel travel till i am full of places till i don’t know where i once belonged till my soul is overflowing with sights and smells of distant lands.

What are you scared of?

Everything i attach to, seems to slip by my fingers. My family is so vulnerable, each one of them so breakable. I fear for their safety. I want to ensure their well being but i can’t seem to. I am also scared of not counting on earth. Not being somebody. Not touching lives. I am scared of mediocrity. Yes-attachment and mediocrity.

Why the sadness? I sometimes hear a slow song of sadness in your being when i look deep into your soul. Why?

Its because i long for a teacher. I feel incomplete without a guide to see me through. There is nowhere i belong. I am looking for my tribe. I am so far away from home that i have forgotten the way back. I ask for help everyday to retrace my steps.

Do you believe in magic?

I do. I believe in the universe. I believe in wishes. I know they will come true but what about now? What about right now? I feel stuck here. I cannot find the way out.

Why do people hurt you? Rather, why do you get hurt by people?

I like nice people. Who don’t have any ulterior motives behind anything that they do. I like people who are honest, no pretensions, i like people who are good. Just non hurtful and good. But i can’t find such people. Very few people help me heal, aarushi sidhant abdul you-sometimes. I like people who can heal each other. And i get hurt with people’s intentions their pretensions their selfishness. That’s why I search from my tribe every moment.

What is it? Why did you want me to stay?

I am i don’t want to go home to stay there. The energy is too heavy for me. I can’t handle it for such a long time.

But that’s 3 months hence, right?

Yes, but the damage is too much for me to take this lightly. Trust me, i have been thriugh it multiple times before.

What would you rather do?

Get an offer i can’t refuse. To go away from here.

Are you ready to leave?

Yes. I am ready to take off now.

Do you know where to go?

No.

Apply for Zorba.

Okay.

Apply for Mind Valley.

Okay.

Do these two today.

What about Illumine?

I think you should visit it first.

Why not visit MindV and Zorba as well?

First, get through the first round. Figure things out.

Alright. Do you think it’s safe to leave?

Yes, do it because it doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

But it didn’t make sense even 1 year back and you didn’t let me leave.

It’s because you had lessons to learn.

What about now?

You have learnt all there was.

Yes, like working and living with an understanding of other people. Sticking by to values. Knowing my own self (which I am doing right now), doing for the purpose and not for the act.

Yes. Do you think there is anything else left to learn?

How to protect myself and my energy from people.

Do you think you will learn it here?

I might.

Do you still want to leave?

I guess, no.

Good. Then work on your lesson. Work hard.

Show me the way?

You will be guided whenever you need me.

Who are you?

I am You. You are never alone, mugdha. Never. Because You and I are one. I will never leave you. Take rest. Good bye. Love you.

Today is a strange feeling

Like the ending of a bond you have held on to for so long

The birds, usually cheerfully chirping, seem to be howling

Just as tears start rolling down my cheeks

For no reason.

Today is either blood moon or blue moon

I am not sure

But today, today my feet feel heavier

It is difficult to carry the burden of existence around

Today.

Today, everybody seems far away

Today, i feel like

I don't know what i feel like

I just want to keep crying today

It's like somebody rubbed off all their grief on me

I am happy to be carrying it for somebody else

But today, i can't stop crying.

Today, I want to reach out to mugdha

And hug her, so that she doesn't feel so alone

But i can't because she and i are one.

Zoned out

Everything is fuzzy

Thoughts go hazy

Mind's lazy

Life is mazy

I used to be crazy

But now... I'm just zoned out.

Just sit and listen to me.

He never leaves my mind but sometimes he lets me enter his. And then he just walks out, leaving the door open behind him. I never know whether I should follow him or stay back-waiting.

I always choose the latter because I am not a sucker for action oriented choices.

Being around people makes me extremely sad, you know. Because people want to stand for something, they want to have meaning. And they trample on each other in search of this meaning, to feel important.

He always asks me to speak to him, to share what’s going on my mind, uncensored. But i can never bring myself to.

I need a friend. I need a friend who I can sit with just sharing silence. A friend i don’t need to be happy around.

Why do I have this need to be important in people’s lives. I want to be capable of being somebody people like. Why? I need to be the best version of myself but why does it have to be vaildated by ‘people’.

Silence really sets people off, doesn’t it? I want to find people who are as comfortable with it as I am.

I think I am walking with closed eyes. I am not experiencing life with all my senses. I think there’s something that I am doing wrong.

There is never enough energy to do everything that I want to. Resistance.

I want to go to a nicer place. But we are all trapped here.

मुझे प्यार मत करो

मुझे प्यार मत करो, डर लगता है

डर लगता है कि मेरी चुप्पी

मेरी चुप्पी मेरी कमजोरी बन जायेगी

तुम अचानक मेरा हाथ दबोच लोगे

मेरा हाथ अपने हाथ में भींच कर

मेरी आँखों में देखोगे और मैं शरमा जाऊंगी

डर लगता है कि तुम मेरी ख़ामोशी को,

अपनी ताकत बना लोगे

प्यार से थोड़ी डर लगता है

डर तो प्यार करने वालो से लगता है

हद्द से ज्यादा खुदगर्ज़ हो जाती हूँ मैं

ख़ुद को चाहते चाहते

प्यार करना याद ही नहीं रहता

इसलिए तो बार बार कहती हूँ

प्यार मत करो, मुझसे तो मत करो

मैं भूल जाऊंगी |

Look into my eyes

The first conversation when you looked at me like I was made to be loved. I was low. My friend had departed, and I had no one who was everyone anymore. And then there was you. You, with the shy stare. You with the blushy good mornings. You with the Islam preaching. You with the quiet boiled eggs wrapped in Odiya newspaper. You with the detolled cotton in your hand carefully wiping my wounds. The second conversation. You looked at me again. But your gaze came filtering through the thick cloud of hesitation and confusion and something I was scared to admit. There was you. With reassurances and reprimands. With chastity and a hot chest. With whys and why nots. In the third conversation you looked at me with wary sad eyes. You were shaken with my tears and my problems. You were shaken with my smile. There was you, wanting to solve every problem. Magically walking into me just when i needed you. Asking me to stay when I didn’t want to go. The fourth conversation. You told me you love me. You asked me to look into your eyes and see it for myself. I wondered if it was the kind of love which comes by only once in our lives. But what would i do even if it were. I slipped from the tightrope once more. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted you to love me, but you were in agony and i knew i would hurt you. I knew i had hurt you. I took a deep breath. And there was you, with the walks and the hugs and the bike rides. With the squeeze of my hand and the grunt when I came too close to you. I didn't want to believe. So I didn't. The fifth conversation was when I was naked in front of you again. This was the first time somebody had gazed so deeply inside. There was you with the disappointments and the duas. There was you with the irritation and the emulation. The sixth conversation was you with the exaggerated pretense of affection. You with the concealed hate. You with the unlooked gaze. You with the silence. You with the pointing finger and you with the suspicion. There was conflict. There was conflict in me and conflict in you. And i thought we would sync into each other’s conflicts.

The seventh time, you held my hand again.

But we destroyed us. I wish us could be conflicts.

You promised to not hurt me with your shield.

(6 months later) I was above hurt now. You had convinced me that there actually was someone like you. The farishta as i fondly called you. Now when i look back, I see the lust behind the shy gaze, concealed just in time. There was you with the uncontrollable grunt and the filth of your mind when you entered inside my house. The eighth time, it was you with the pecks on the cheek which suddenly turned into ferocious smooches. It was you over me, pinning me down, ravishing me like a hard earned dinner. It was you with my body in your mouth, this time completely naked of body, soul and spirit. As I lay like a corpse beneath you, I said 'you promised not to hurt me' and you stopped.

Bare

I feel quiet and the middle of my forehead starts vibrating again. A strange vibration that i'm used to by now. I let my mind float towards the idea of 'love' between two people- how their human instincts make them care for/ love each other despite all the things that they dislike about each other. Then I think about Rameshwaram and realize that I have always loved what I am at a certain place rather than drawing what i feel from my expectations of the place that I am visiting. Like the time in Rishikesh where I was happy having aaloo paratha at the ghat because I loved my sense of independence then. In Varanasi, I was searching for something, looking back at a city older than my Being perhaps. The second time in Varanasi, I came back looking for still more answers. I had a different way of walking the same streets, the gurgling of water ignited thoughts and ways of being I hadn't experienced before. In Mcleodganj and in Narkanda- I was with people. I don't quite remember what I was in these places, but I can sense an exchange of ideas and experiences between myself and the people I interacted with. I wouldn't have had the experiences I had, without them. Indore was to accomplish a task. I understood that not all people could be expected to behave like expected. Places, smells, sights, sceneries, stationary matter, moving matter, flesh, leaves, stares, stars- I would find these everywhere, but I was a different myself when I found these. And thus, i lay bare.

Awarey

Disenchantment- with satisfaction. Disappointment- with behaviours. Disillusionment- with intentions. Disagreement- with the process. Disaffiliated- with ownership. Displeasure- with enjoyment. Disagreeing- with affirmations. Disaffected- with loyalties. Disconnect- with interactions. Disaccord- with happiness.

Work in progress

As i try to explain to him what not being in order is to me, i burst into tears. I feel relieved, because they have finally arrived. And i can now take refuge in the weeping comfort of a wet pillow. Like 5 or 10 years back, when nothing seemed right and everyday and every moment was an ordeal. How I wanted my shoes to be lighter, so that i could run away faster and never get tired. I would cover more and more distance and lesser time and nobody would ever be able to find me. I immediately recalled Mami’s prophesying, gentle voice which said that the minute i stopped crying for myself, i would become stronger. I have always thought i was strong. Since the time i wanted to turn into a stone because the tender teenaged heart couldn’t bear the muffled cries of yearning anymore to the time i lay beneath Sarkar like a corpse, waiting for the night to pass. Too strong to be a victim even to myself.

Everyday of solitude in the third year of college brought with it a new discovery, newer moments of wonder. I was beginning to assert my identity- to myself. I knew that i had left the long haired stupid girl behind. Being left alone with myself was my request and my reward. I came into the fellowship stronger. I believed in my strength. I was alone, yet around people. These were new people. I wouldn’t get bored of them for a while. I came into Chikhaldara even stronger. Ready to take on the world. Until that night in the tree house. The first night he slept while i was on top of him, kissing him.

I was with people now. People who made rape jokes on me, people who had such high expectations of me, people at work, people in the room, people in the hall, people on the terrace. And somehow between meeting expectations and holding on to comradee, i gave up being strong.

Of being alive and then feeling alive. Of being happy, most of all.

UnExpected

Expectations are sadistic chauvinistic beasts. As limitless as i'd like my mind to be and as undefeatable as i'd want my spirit to be. Just like people's behaviour towards another can say a lot about their relationship with themselves, the height length and breadth of their expectations from the other might be directly proportional to their expectations from their own selves. I do expect too much out of people. I say 'too much' because they keep falling short and hence the bar is obviously too high. On my birthday i expected either to be left in peace or to be treated S Level special. But i was somewhere in the middle where i was 'made' to feel special. The kind of forced specialness characteristic of a category of people that i despise subject me to. I was also treated to expectations, like it's something that i have the duty to give away. I was also treated to lies. Which is the worst of all. On the other hand, the people i love too much to have expectations out of, did it just right. And maybe that's why i love them. Maybe i had expectations out of them too, but i cannot feel them weighing me down because they are already quenched. On the next 8th, i'd like to be somewhere far far away from people and their expectations. And would have made peace with mine. That's the resolution. Here's to being a little more HII everyday. Here's to new soulmates and new stalemates every December.

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