Heimdall // @heimfrostâ
â© -âBecause I could not.âÂ
The words leave him raw, a burn in his throat like a bile and now - even now, he could feel the sickening climb of Odinâs shackles on his wrist and his magic on his skin. An ugly thing, to bind someone. To truly bind them.
âI could not say a word, no matter how I tried, or how I fought. I could not speak until you demoted me, and when you did you were already doing far worse than I could imagine. I gave you a chance, I asked if you required my loyalty. Your answer was banishment.â
Heimdall swallows at the tightness in his throat, drags a rough hand over his face before rolling fingers over the throb in his temple. He had no wish to remember, and no want to recall. But his past was not a thing he could turn from.Â
âMy treasons were loop holes. Technicalities. I distracted Odin by turning myself in, not an incorrect act, not a breaking of my vow. I assisted Thor by assisting Odin. Not a turn on the throne but a turn on one royal. I spend years learning what I could and could not say and how I could and could not say it.âÂ
Heimdall reaches for his wrist. Rubbing over phantom wounds. Jaw bound tight in his fury.Â
âYou think that your mother was all he bound that day? That all he received for peace was her hand? You were not his only political play nor his only lie. I was allowed to speak to him in private because he could silence me as he wished. You? You were not permitted.âÂ
A shake of head follows the words, but why would he expect a true understanding. None of the Asgardians had ever bothers to look, to ask. Odinâs greatest success was his silence.
âI took plenty for my time with you both, I agreed to many things in an attempt to protect you. You did not think to ask, or to look. Do not tell me I did not try, I have all the scars my attempts for every claim you throw at me.âÂ
The Watches shoulders stiffen then as Loki continues. The cold dismissal followed by a request. Needed again, always so. No matter how he left, or what happened his duty never failed to follow. It never failed to carry on.
âYou wish for my help but can not even admit to wanting it for yourself. âÂ
âI thought you and Thor my proudest legacy. That in all my failing of my people, of Thors people, in yours that perhaps I had done some good, perhaps I had managed to protect those boys I swore to. I do not want your thanks, I never did. You were both my family and my care.â
What more could be said then, in that moment? Laid bare and receiving nothing but politeness in answer. He did not blame Loki for his anger to Odin, to the Asgardians. Heimdall did not expect it to be at him, even if he sees it may as well be.
âYou do not have to ask me to watch, there was not a moment I was not doing all I could to keep you both safe, every time Thor reached you, every guard and every planned escape. I never stopped watching, even if my all changed nothing.â
He needed to leave now, there was something to be said for a long life and tired eyes. He would get them all to Midgard, perhaps then he may get some rest. There was a beautiful spot in the carpathian mountains, stretches of stars and wonder. It had been a long time since he visited.Â
He had given enough to Asgard now, for the first time he was not sure he had anything left bar this final stand
âTry and rest little prince, you need it.âÂ
So Heimdall had been silenced with magic. It wasn't surprising in the least; Loki had simply not thought of the possibility because it was a little less subtle than what he was used to from Odin. He waged war, he banished and imprisoned his own children, and when he had silenced Loki, he had done so in a much more visible way. More than anything, Loki wanted to point out that he and Heimdall had been treated similarly, but for someone who had lived as long and been through as much as the watcher, Loki also felt that would be cheapening the other's experiences.
Also, hadn't he himself silenced Odin and put him away on Midgard? Not that he had not deserved it, as it was turning out, but they had just spoken about whether he was like the old King or not. Loki did not want to point out further facts that he might have been, not even to himself.
Would you have told me the whole truth if you had been able to? The question burned on his tongue, but Loki kept his mouth closed, swallowed it, and tried to think the best of the watcher. Heimdall had indeed done a lot for him, encouraged him in ways Odin had never even tried. He had been crucial in shaping who Loki had become, and while that might not be something to take pride in anymore, Loki was still grateful. He would have been a lot more miserable growing up, had it not been for Heimdall's and Frigga's encouragement to go his own way, despite pressure to do otherwise.
As for getting Heimdall's help, his warning in time should Thanos come after them, Loki didn't even know how to begin expressing how much he would value it. Perhaps it was even one of the biggest reasons he had stayed, once Asgard had been turned to dust. He had had his chance to return to Sakaar, and for a while he had certainly considered it. But he had finally gotten his brother back, and what seemed like a chance to start anew, to just be Prince Loki of Asgard once again, even after everything he had done. It was a very nice thing to have, simple as it might seem.
Loki parted his lips as if to say something, but far from the first time did he find himself at a lack of words in front of the watcher. He had used to hate it, in the past, but now it just made him feel empty. His proudest legacy, his family, Heimdall called him, and it would take Loki almost a full minute before he realised hearing that meant more to him than Odin calling him his son again. By that time, the other had already left, with Loki staring after him and with his last words ringing in his ears.
But there would be no time to rest, no matter how much Loki might have wanted to. His worst nightmare, the very thing he had just spoken to Heimdall about, happened much too soon. Thanos was coming, and by the time he and Thor had rejoined the rest of the Asgardians, the watcher had already started transporting their people to safety.
It wouldn't be enough, and Thanos attacked with a ferocity Loki believed only he himself could have foreseen, because he had previous knowledge of just how strong the Titan was. The Tesserct burned his fingers once again as he offered it up to save Thor's life, but he held it steady as he defied Thanos for what he feared might be the last time, because not even the Hulk were able to take on their enemy. All Loki could hope for was to not be made to watch what remained of his family be murdered, though that was exactly the kind of pain he had been promised eight years ago, should he have failed his mission on Midgard. He couldn't help but tremble, close to his brother's side, as courage failed him completely while he watched the Tesseract crumble, and Thanos effortlessly pick up the gem inside and put it in place in the gauntlet.
The Mad Titan turned to him, and Loki inhaled, steeled himself to speak, to not go down a coward, to be something more. Thanos answered with a sinister grin and his fist raised, and then a blue flash that blinded Loki completely. And then he was stumbling onto a rocky, uneven surface, the sound of waves filling his ears a second before his vision cleared.
He found himself on a dark beach with a view of a stormy ocean, with no other being for as far as he could see. A forest loomed opposite of the ocean on the other side of the beach, as dark and ominous as the water. For a moment Loki could have sworn both ocean and trees were closing in, reaching out to suffocate him, and that it was all Thanos once again twisting his thoughts into terrifying visions meant to frighten him into subjugation. He fell to his knees, wishing for anything than to be back in that hell.
There was another flash of electric blue, and then he was no longer alone. Shaken, he looked up at Heimdall, holding his breath, waiting. The watcher was hurt, enough that he would need Loki's help, but once a few seconds more had passed with no more flashes from the Space Stone, all Loki managed was a hoarse question.
"Did you see what happened to Thor?"
