Dificult days

Melancolía, nostalgia y demás.

[redeepsoul]

Self sabotage

I have this problem.

It's something that I constantly repeat, Im just killing my life with it.

So I put my eyes on every non available men and then I feel miserable, perhaps Im doing it with intention, to no develop a relationship, because maybe it scare me.

I meet someone, long ago and... I felt for him, so deeply that still haunting to me these days, I compare every men that I date with him, it's impossible to take out from my system, Oh I wish I could have one of those treatments from that old film "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'' where the people goes to erase all the memories of someone, that will be a relieve.

[redeepsoul]

When everything become that hard?

I feel that I started to grow up and then all of a sudden it feels heavy and sad, chaothic and it looks like it's going to get worse everytime.

I just want to be a child again, I want to comeback when I was like seven and I was playing with barbies, making houses and talking to my cousin about eating all the vitamin c of the box.

I hate that people grow up and then they become this mess, I don't know, I don't feel that I change that much, but the rest of them, they just do some awful things, they deal with life in very questionable ways and the most terrible part it´s they think it´s ok.

Im not judging, but maybe I am, Im tired of being this good person who have to shut everything, it's so exhausting to tolerate.

And what makes me more angry about it, it's that they are people who I love, that I care about, that hurts so much.

[redeepsoul]

I lose a friend prospect.

I lose a boyfriend prospect too.

And he...

He lose me.

[redeepsoul]

Some sad thoughs

I've never thought that I was going to be in this terrible scenario, I hate it, I feel awful everyday.

I woke up and I have this mental breakdown and it doesn't stop, I don't even recognize myself, who am I right now?...

[redeepsoul]

Acerca de la desilusión.

A veces pongo demasiada energía en personas inexistentes, en ideas sin sentido, a veces soy muy vulnerable, odio ser así, lo detesto.

Soy como una especie de ser que espera por algo, no sé exactamente que es, pero gran parte del tiempo quedo estancada en un agujero estrecho, hay momentos en los que pienso que sería más fácil si fuese cruel y vil, si no memorizara cada detalle de cada persona, cada cosa por más pequeña, si no me afectara nada.

[redeepsoul]

Spell on you.

I want you and me under the silence of the world, I want your look in my eyes, I want to feel I am this brilliant diamond for you.

-

-

I want that at night you think of me really deep, for hours and hours and that you realize the thruth of your mind, that´s me.

-

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I want to look for me in the eternity of people and that when you found me, somehow you just know that it's the moment and the place and the person.

[redeepsoul]

Life it's a treasure...

I write when I feel mad, when I feel the most intense emotions and I go to this downs and up's, this is like my little space where I can express everything, because life it's difficult and I had to find a way to put all my fellings and try to tranform them in something beautiful like a poem or just some thoughs.

As I'm older I found that life it's a treasure no matter their bad moments or the most heartbroken parts, that's life, that's the pretty and I'm not romanticizing, because I know how bad it is sometimes.

I just say that as my personal opinnion some little hope, even the littlest thing, even your granny just saying I love you could be the difference, I wish every human being someday, somehow see this even a tiny bit.

[redeepsoul]

La insatisfacción constante.

Me encuentro en una confusión sobre la vida, quisiese no sentirme de esta manera, es que nunca es suficiente nada, siempre hay algo más, pensaba que al terminar de estudiar me convertiría en alguien aún mejor y que eso bastaría, pero me siento perdida, porque ahora se espera aún más de mí, porque yo misma espero aún más de mí, porque no quiero desaparecer en el tiempo y ser absolutamente nada, porque siempre he sentido que de cierta forma tengo algo más que ofrecer.

[redeepsoul]

Fuck Love

Fuck love, and romance and happy couples and idiot guys.

[redeepsoul]

Desesperación

Lo diré así sin más, tengo miedo de nunca enamorarme de verdad.

Me causa un terror profundo el nunca amar infinitamente y el nunca nadie me ame infinitamente, el que nadie se fije en los detalles más bellos de mi personalidad o en el que yo tampoco pueda verlos en una persona. Antes no veía nada en eso, sentía que no era importante, pero últimamente me duele, es como si me estuviese desvaneciendo de a poco y lo peor es que casi siempre suelo mirar a los que no me convienen ni me aportan, me siento como suspendida en el aire, en una inconclusión constante.

[redeepsoul]

Why women always have to feel bad.

Im serious, so serious.

It's just stupid, I mean you go out with a guy once and then you make stupids ideas about that one date and then the guy leaves to never come back and you feel bad about it, like there's something bad with you, I hate it.

They should feel like that for once.

[redeepsoul]

Thank God

The minutes, the time running so slow

I keep thinking, keep thinking, like some sort of

paranoia.

-

The minutes after are a sixt sense or something, I can see

the answer and the happy expressions, and the smiles, the proud

arrives.

[redeepsoul]

Ansiedad.

A veces pienso muchísimo, pienso en todos los efectos, en todos los factores, en todas las posibilidades... Termina siendo agotador, no sé porque tiene que ser tan complejo, tan amenazante.

Sólo me gustaría creer que bajo toda esa ansiedad existe un real propósito, la importancia que le atribuyo a las cosas que me suceden, a los momentos determinantes, espero que no sea la gran cosa y que de alguna manera se disuelva, se desvanezca y mi existencia vuelva estar en una posición neutra, sólo necesito un poco de fé.

[redeepsoul]

100 posts!

[redeepsoul]

Oh poor.

I just feel so bad for you, little girl with a precious heart, but you made your choice, I'm so sorry girl, I feel it for real.

Life is not good like that, but maybe you wanted that, I'm just trying to guess, What do you expect? really? about mousse with not brain, about not roses? about a broken glass? ...

[redeepsoul]

Misery

As I find in this epic and platonic thing, I found out that jerks come and go out of my life.

....

I'm not misery, some of them are actually, video games and drugs, commited to be pointless, to be unnecesary pain in the ass.

....

This situation is more common for me, even in my 20's they still come into my life, like black holes to be nothing.

....

I should feel proud, cause all the stuff get's off, all the stupid misery goes out forever, my time is priceless.

[redeepsoul]

Tal vez...

Tal vez no era invierno, tal vez no estaban todos, tal vez no era el día ni la hora ni el momento.

El mundo tiene formas extrañas de actuar y quizás no lo anhelaba tanto para este día y debo decir que adoro el invierno y si fuese en esa instancia, sería completamente feliz, hay cosas que no logramos entender, pero no es porque no debieron ser, es porque no era el momento , pero cuando deba ser, será perfecto.

3 de marzo, 2021.

19:59 pm

Un alma algo desilusionada, pero tranquila.