Alright, listen up, you bastard. I have some advice for you.
Think about poor dear sweet precious innocent Katie. Now think about how many of those adjectives actually apply to her.
Poor? No. Dear, sweet, innocent? Mostly. Precious? If I have to answer that one for you, you’re already lost.
Now think about Brad. You know, her boyfriend?
We all know you do what makes you comfortable. Once in a while you might step out of your comfort zone, but for the most part, you live in comfort.
The first thing I’d like to say is that you’re an idiot. Relax, though, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Listen, though. This could very easily become a pattern, and we don’t want that. There are actually two pattern templates this falls under.
First off, we know what happened with Jamie. She was married, albeit not happily. You came into her life, and she into yours. Things were good, not great. Things became more great as time went on. You confessed to her. She reciprocated, maybe with a bit of “lag”, as it were.
You are responsible for the divorce of Jamie Clevenger and Rory van Vuuren. That officially makes you a homewrecker.
Don’t get cocky, and it’s sad that your first reaction to that will be any sort of pride. Embarrassing, really. But yes, you broke them up, and no, it probably wasn’t very difficult. You loved her, despite what you may start thinking now to save face. You, Andrew Logan, a.k.a. Alan Redgown, were truly in love with Jamie Clevenger(-van Vuuren). Nothing will ever change the fact that that was an emotional state you found yourself in, in the early 2010′s. She is now in a dedicated relationship with a guy who looks like David Tennant, and they have a child together. Yes, you poured literally thousands of dollars into gifts for her. No, you shouldn’t regret it. Don’t ever regret it. You saw a situation that could be improved, and despite not actually having the means, you accomplished a goal of bettering someone’s life. A small pat on the back is in order.
Now, Jamie is out of the picture almost 100%. Someday you may talk to her again, but a relationship is highly unlikely. If you doubt this, ask yourself this simple question: Could you be a stepfather? Because that’s what you would become. You know the answer. And you know, somewhere within you, that your relationship with Jamie Clevenger was a fling and nothing more. It was exciting, there was passion. Then it ended, as it should have. You weren’t ready to be the person she needed. That isn’t anybody’s fault, and it’s nothing to sigh over.
On to the pressing issue, the elephant in the room.
Katie is back, and better than ever! Alright, don’t sell her too hard. Let’s keep this simple, alright? We know what happened last time. A recap never hurts.
1. Boy, Alan_Redgown, meets girl, Whimsical.
2. Boy makes friends with several in group.
3. Boy becomes curious about girl.
4. Boy eventually learns girl’s name is Katherine Mary Krapf (Katie), and sees at least one picture of her, upon which he realizes she is every bit as beautiful as he imagined. However, her appearance does not exactly match that of his imagined version of her. Quite surprisingly, her attractiveness transcends his expectations.
5. Boy and girl get to chatting on MSN. Their first conversation takes place sometime around the time of a barbecue she attends.
6. Boy and girl both continue to play iSketch for a while. Their friendship takes them to other realms, including Neopia and Gielinor. Many other friendships are forged and maintained. Most notable and relevant: angel. and Synnie.
7. Excuse the chronological hiccup, but sometime during all this, an admiration becomes a crush, and a crush becomes a fixation.
8. College pushes boy’s stress levels to the max. With no one on campus he can truly call a friend, with inadequate personal space availability or privacy, boy’s mental health continues to decline. AP English was bad, this is getting worse. Boy lurks 4chan regularly, and witnesses firsthand countless cases of harassment and stalking. These influence his behavior, as we shall see.
9. The only place in the dorm where boy has any sense of isolation is in the basement, on his laptop, with a textboox and maybe a Snickers. Boy’s best sense of security comes in his chats with Synnie, who is a big unknown but very intelligent, a talented artist, and a kickass Smash player.
10. Not chronologically precise: Boy has three amazing girls in his life with whom he chats frequently. Having literally no experience with romantic relationships, he considers himself lucky but doesn’t quite know how to proceed. Besides those three, there’s a good group of additional friends that he forms connections with. Boy is, at times, the happiest he’s ever been, feeling as though he has an actual place in a community. This peak will later help prove the saying, “The taller they are, the harder they fall.”
11. Things aren’t going so well. People aren’t there for him when boy needs them. He thought he had a lot of friends, but they weren’t enough. Maybe he’s pushing them away. Maybe his dad was right in previously suggesting the book title, “How to Have No Friends, by Andrew Logan”. Suffering from depression, considering suicide a serious option on numerous occasions, boy is struggling with most aspects of his life. Academics are, in fact, super easy. That’s the easy part. The hard part is not having anyone to turn to, anyone in whom you can confide everything you need to. The hard part is needing to be completely alone for a while, and not being able to. The nice part is a walk on a rainy day, with a Pokéwalker in your pocket and no destination in mind but your start. Working towards a goal of catching all those Pokéwalker Pokémon, completing a checklist. Getting some exercise while you’re at it. A sedentary lifestyle can do a number on a person. Fresh air is a friend I have known and often missed.
12. Boy breaks down. Boy says emo things. People don’t want to hear depressing stuff, they’ll end up depressed too. People tell him to stop saying certain things. He can’t. He’s stuck inside a pattern, he’s stuck inside a loop. And there’s no hammer in sight.
13. Girl has had enough of boy. Boy is slow on the uptake.
14. Girl unfriends boy on Facebook.
15. Boy uses a fake account to gain access to her pictures via “friend of a friend”, being the utter wreck of a perverted sociopath that he is. Boy’s life is in shambles. Boy sends girl a clear message, with red text, saying “Your beauty is something I just can’t live without.” Boy has been on 4chan too much, methinks.
16. Girl is so done with boy, if she wasn’t already.
17. Neopian nonsense.
18. Email nonsense.
19. At some point, boy withdraws from classes. First semester is easy; second semester can’t be completed reasonably, with all those final projects, with all the emotional duress.
20. Lots of tears.
21. By the way, girl had a boyfriend for a while. Does the name Blargg mean anything to you? Girl broke up with boyfriend at some point, but that doesn’t really change anything.
22. Anyway, moving onto other girl, who may or may not be an angel. She has been a great, devoted, and caring friend for a relatively long time, since not long after boy started playing iSketch. In a selfless act, she gae boy old and valuable armor pieces from the pretty early days of Neopets...just so boy could sell them to get expensive virtual present for main girl. Lab map or something. How many lab maps is he going to give away by the end of time, anyway? The lab ray isn’t *that* great. It’s over 1 million NP. Boy already spent over 1 million GP on royal crown for girl in RuneScape. Boy should probably rethink his life.
23. Boy and angel. *were* good friends, with her even learning the Dvorak layout just so they could exchange enciphered messages. angel. is now sick of his emo bullshit, and all that “Katie this” and “Whimsical that”. She no longer talks to him.
24. Boy repeatedly tries to contact angel. She sicks her lawyer friend, whom boy suspects is her boyfriend, on boy, threatening to sue boy for harassment if he doesn’t stop. Boy never talks to angel. again.
25. Two down, one to go. Why is Synnie still talking to boy? Probably because she hasn’t had to put up with as much shit.
26. They remain friends for a little while, but then she starts playing Left 4 Dead 2 constantly and boy freaks out about it, thinking they’re no longer friends.
27. Boy and Synnie are no longer friends.
28. Some time passes, as does at least one hospitalization. Boy is getting help now, help boy desperately needed.
29. Boy begins playing Minecraft, a game his friends Kyle Donovan and Andrew Burrows have recommended, and a game which he saw a “Surviving the First Night” video of over his roommate James Ouk’s shoulder, back in the dorm. (Chronology note: This actually happened while still in the dorm. Griefing of the MIT banner was done while in the dorm, or at home but during a semester, probably.)
30. Boy hosts a vanilla survival server with some friends (Kal and Pika, to start).
31. (Chronology unknown) Boy at some point hosts another vanilla survival server with Tailisu10, zetta_slowpoke, and Kal?)
32. Boy finds a server called Minetropolis. He joins, probably griefs and is banned but then becomes no longer banned when the server regenerates.
33. Boy finds himself in Minetropolis (0), and builds a house on a plot. Boy sees a new player named xMiSsMuRDeRx. He follows her discreetly and griefs the first little shelter she builds.
34. Boy sees her playing again and decides to go for it. He strikes up a conversation, they become friends, she invites him to her house, which has a glass floor and is built into the side of a cliff. It is cool.
35. Basically, they stick together for a while, begin chatting in Steam, the connection grows. Soon they are both admins on Minetropolis (1 or 2).
36. Boy realizes he is in love with xMiSsMuRDeRx (Jamie) and upon some cyber-stalking, discovers she is married. Blurts this out in disbelief. “Does it matter if I am?” “Yes...because I love you.”
37. Before long, she reciprocates the sentiment. They begin dating.
38. This doesn’t last that long. Lots of warm, fuzzy feelings. Lots of texting. Eventually, cybersex begins.
39. Voice chat, cam teasing with oiled boobs.
40. A picture of her boobs with her hands covering her nipples. This is the sexiest photo a girl has ever sent me.
41. Amazon wishlist is mentioned for whatever reason, boy begins sending Jamie gifts, including some sex toys.
42. Eventually boy racks up over $2000 in debt using an Amazon card, encompassing a ton of sex toys, as well as games, cookware, and tea.
43. Sending Jamie vibrators and such turns boy on immensely. Many of these decisions are made late at night, when boy isn’t thinking very clearly and has very little ability to resist.
44. Relationship ends well before this, but “friends with benefits” type of thing, cybersex-wise, continues for at least months. Dick pics with precum (which she says turn her on) continue for a while.
45. Boy goes to see Pokémon Symphonic Evolutions orchestra tour. One name is on his mind throughout the entire evening: “Katie”. That name, colored vibrantly in MSN. He can’t stop thinking about her, about how he heard she was going to it, about how she might be in that same exact location with him, for that one night.
46. Time passes, a lot happens, and then boy discovers girl’s Instagram. He accidentally likes one of her pictures. This could not be more humiliating. He panics and deletes his account.
47. Boy decides it’s well past time to issue a proper apology to girl.
48. Boy and girl begin talking again, by email.
49. Email communication ceases.
50. Boy’s friend Oliver talks about girl playing Minecraft.
51. Boy doesn’t expect this to ever happen.
52. Boy, friend, and girl all play Minecraft.
53. Boy decides to host a vanilla survival server with friends.
54. Boy is happy Katie is playing with them.
55. Brad, Katie’s boyfriend, joins. He seems cool.
56. If boy had his way, he and Katie would be in each other’s arms forever.
So here’s the issue. This happened before, right down to the “falling in love with Katie” part. There’s no escaping the fact that you’re drawn to her, and there’s no shortage of reasons for being drawn to her. She’s one of the sweetest, cutest, kindest, funniest, most talented people you’ve ever known. You enjoy talking to her. You love helping her with things. When you’re with her, you’re happy. That’s really all that needs to be said.
She got you into Donkey Kong Country, Homestuck, and ELO. Independently, you both discovered and enjoy Game Grumps. She’s a Nintendo fan, a girl gamer, she likes games like Yoshi’s Island and Mario Party 2 and Mario Kart games and even played Smash for a while.
Basically, she’s your dream girl.
,
Doesn’t it feel good to actually say that? And the thing is, even if you aren’t her dream guy...*she’s your dream girl*. Yes, you have literally found your dream girl.
But that doesn’t mean she’s the only one.
Now, you twisted bastard, I have something important to remind you of. You’re not going to wing your way through this one. Doing what comes naturally isn’t going to get you through. Because you know what you want. You want her.
Call it a crush, call it love, call it anything you want, but you know you can’t have her, because Brad is her boyfriend. So what are you going to do here?
Exactly what I’m not going to allow you to do. You’re not going to break us again. And you’re not going to gamble on the death of someone’s relationship.
Besides the obvious fact you don’t know Brad well or understand how he and Katie get along...it’s just not right. He is a good guy, you can tell, you want to hear more online dating success stories, this is one, don’t screw anything up for him, don’t try to sabotage anything, even subtly, just don’t.
I, Andrew Logan, am confessing in the privacy of my own hidden Tumblr that I love a girl named Katie Krapf. She’s the kind of person you only meet once in a lifetime. I have loved her for just about as long as I’ve known her, and I doubt my love for her will ever cease.
Keep her as a friend, you know she’s a good one.
Become more independent. Get a driver’s license, get a degree. Get a job.
Make new friends; this will always pay off. Explore new communities, new worlds, and new mediums. Don’t be afraid to retire to the same old ones. They’re there for a reason, too.
Relax and enjoy. Take a bubble bath every now and then.
That’s my advice for you, spirited child. If this world is even slightly what you make it, I know you’re going to make it better. Build a new iSketch if that’s what you want. Surmount every hurdle along the way. Reconcile with Kariz...no wait, that’s a horrible idea! Lol!
But you know, if you do become a famous programmer someday, leave an easter egg in there. Whether it happens or not, it’s something to think about.
What’s the point in making mistakes if you don’t learn, or teach others important lessons that they’ll probably never grasp without firsthand experiences?
Be yourself, and discover who you are.
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
amandla
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titsay
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