Red Onion News

Sassy Southern Satire from the Left

[redonionnews]

The Walking Dead Season 10: Attack of The Chattanooga Zombie Homes

On Season 9 of The Walking Dead, the communities faced a new threat from the savages—a ruthless band who walked among the dead with masks made from the skins of walkers—and suffered great losses.

Season 10 finds the communities scouting for a new place to unite outside of the savages’ territory. After finding a collection of magazines and brochures about “The Best Town Ever,” at an abandoned hipster coffee shop, Michonne decides to make Chattanooga the first scouting trip. The city’s renaissance and innovation was one selling point, but the unique geography was what really intrigued Michonne as a potential natural barrier to walkers and groups like the savages. The brochures talked about how the ridges surrounding Chattanooga form a natural bowl that once trapped industrial pollution [insert obligatory Walter Cronkite dirtiest city in America reference].

It doesn’t take long after Michonne and the scouts arrive in the Gig City to figure out that the ridges now hold in a much more sinister and perilous threat—5,000 Zombie Homes protecting a compound of developers who survived the Zombie Apocalypse called The BID led by a ruthless cabal including Kim White and The Defoor Brothers.

If the communities hope to make Chattanooga their new home, they’ll have to battle the Zombie Homes, drive out the developers, and destroy The BID. Tune in to see who wins The Battle for Chattanooga!

[redonionnews]

Kim White Dispels Mayoral Race Rumors

River City Company President, Kim White, announced today that the rumors circulating about a 2021 run for Mayor of Chattanooga were now a moot point. At a news conference ahead of Tuesday night’s final City Council vote on the Downtown Business Improvement District (BID), White said “I know a lot of the developers and business executives gathered here today were ready to get behind a White for Mayor campaign, but it really isn’t necessary now that it’s clear City Council is going to hand over downtown to River City Company. Those pesky citizens tried to get in our way and demand democracy, but we won! Let’s ‘Make Downtown Great Again!” 

[redonionnews]

IN THEATERS NOW: Kavanaw’s Last Stand

Bound to be a classic, Kavanaw’s Last Stand tells the true story of a mediocre white man’s last fight to preserve white male entitlement by boorishly refusing to back down from a nomination to the highest court in the land. Brett Kavanaugh stars in this thrilling melodrama where not only is Kavanaugh defending his hard-won personal entitlement, but the treasured American values of patriarchy, rape culture, white supremacy, and capitalism!  Get your tickets now! 

[redonionnews]

Photo Exclusive: Chattanooga Police Officer Craig Joel on Modified Duty Pending DUI Investigation Involving City Vehicle

Lt. Craig Joel arriving for work in alternative transportation. Joel’s take-home vehicle privileges were suspended during the investigation alleging he was stumbling drunk at the Hwy 58 Amigo’s in Harrison while driving his city vehicle.

Lt. Joel is on modified desk duty during the investigation, though it’s unclear what his former duties were beyond trolling local news and social media using his own and multiple fake user profiles.

Lt. Joel’s supervisor walks in on him napping after returning from lunch and checks his breath for alcohol.

[redonionnews]

Chattanooga Photo of The Day: River City Company’s Kim White points out the table of turkish delight to Mayor Andy Berke at a recent meeting on the progress of Miller Park renovations. 

[redonionnews]

Melania Trump Awarded Design Contract for Chattanooga Alley

December 7, 2017

CHATTANOOGA, TN - Melania Trump now has a special connection to Chattanooga. The First Lady was awarded the design contract for Passageways 2.0, a collaboration of River City Company, Cogent Studio, and Public Art Chattanooga, to add art and community to the large alleyway behind 700 Market. 

River City Company’s Kim White said she was inspired to reach out to Ms. Trump to submit a design proposal after visiting the White House Christmas display and feeling that it’s overwhelming whiteness fit perfectly with the direction of Chattanooga’s innovative downtown development. 

The design features a blanketing of the alleyway in flat white paint and special outdoor air fresheners that will waft the scent of vanilla through the alleyway. Passageways 2.0 did reject part of Ms. Trump’s proposal which called for I.C.E. checkpoints at each end of the alley, but assured her that City Center could be added to the NextDoor app so anyone suspicious could be reported to the authorities. 

[redonionnews]

Senator Bob Corker Announces New Book and Tour

November 30, 2017

CHATTANOOGA, TN - Senator Bob Corker (R-TN) will round out his Senate term by touring his new book, The Chattanooga Way. Corker hopes his new book which details the massive tax and public infrastructure giveaways that landed major global corporations in his hometown and state will help guide other cities in successfully wooing global corporations to suck taxpayers dry with little benefit in return. The book relies heavily on interviews Corker conducted with fellow elected officials who brokered the deals and right-wing operatives who helped beat back union organizing attempts at the Chattanooga Volkswagen plant. 

The book tour will kick off next month with a book signing and celebration at Chattanooga’s Mountain City Club. A Corker staffer excitedly reported to us that as part of the celebration, Corker will take the stage with current and former Chattanooga and Hamilton County Mayors and current and former Tennessee Governors to perform a rendition of Jeffrey Osborne’s classic “You Should Be Mine (The Woo Woo Song)”

The book tour will be dedicated to all the cities currently scrambling to outdo each others’ giveaways and land the new Amazon Headquarters. When asked what advice he would give to those cities, Senator Corker broke into song: “Can You Woo Woo Woo?”

[redonionnews]

CPD Internal Affairs Discovers Craig Joel Actually a Russian Bot

November 29, 2017

CHATTANOOGA, TN -  Chattanooga Police are scratching their heads about how a Russian bot was able to be promoted all the way to a Lieutenant position. Lt. Craig Joel was determined to be a Russian bot during an Internal Affairs investigation over a sexist social media post Joel made in reference to another officer being interviewed by a local reporter. 

During the investigation, Internal Affairs officers found numerous social media profiles linked to Craig Joel  that trolled community members and organizations critical of the police. The links became apparent when officers noticed that the social media profiles sometimes got confused and switched back and forth between profiles during social media conversations.  Officers also determined that a mediocre column in a local alternative weekly paper written under the pseudonym Alex Teach was linked to Joel. Members of the community were well aware of those connections, but shocked to learn that not only were the social media profiles and the column faked, but Joel himself was a bot. 

The Internal Affairs investigation is still ongoing as officers try to determine how the bot was hired and promoted within the department and what motivation the Russians may have had for creating a bot that spread pro-police propaganda and disparaged community members critical of police in a small town in Tennessee. 

[redonionnews]

New Lamp Post/River City Collaboration to Rehabilitate Hamilton County Jail

In 2016, the Hamilton County Commission voted to approve an additional $460,000 in consulting fees to David Eichenthal’s PFM Consulting Group to tell the County the same thing consecutive Hamilton County juries have recommended: close the County Jail on Walnut Street. Part of Mayor Coppinger’s plan to  sell the rights to incarcerate Black and low-income communities to CoreCivic (formerly Corrections Corporations of America) completely privatize all of the county’s jails, the pending closure of the jail has provided on opportunity for developers. The venture capitalist Lamp Post Group and the River City Gentrification Development Company have announced plans to capitalize on the existing layout of the county jail with a new condo development, Pen Tower at Walnut. The project will be marketed to tech entrepreneurs who are even more noble in their willingness to sacrifice space for convenience than those praised for renting micro-living spaces in the new Tomorrow Building at Georgia Avenue and Patten Parkway.

Those who appreciate sharing common space should find the condo development particularly appealing as residents will share the common areas of the original cafeteria and exercise area. Early architectural drafts call for replacing cell doors with antique walnut doors from various downtown renovations so residents will have privacy and not feel too much like they are in jail, but the condo sizes will remain the original less than 100 sq ft size of the old cells in fitting with the micro-living trend. The razor wire around the exercise area will obviously come down, though former City Councilman Chris Anderson suggested during a Southside Chamber presentation by River City’s Kim White that, if the area remained fenced, it would be a great site for a collective chicken coop, but doubted his Council replacement would reintroduce his urban chicken ordinance. Anderson also noted that the large windowless wall along Cherry Street would make a great mural canvas and perhaps the inmates could be exploited contribute to painting the mural before they are transferred to an enlarged Silverdale Workhouse. MarkMaking has begun the search for an out-of-state, white nationally recognized muralist.

The second floor of the jail which once housed the large, cold, and feces-smeared holding cell will eventually house retail and restaurant space. Lamp Post Group has begun deliberating on which recent start up with a prefix or suffix of CHA or Nooga will be engaged to work on branding the coffee shop and micro-brewery. Some early ideas include the coffee shop being named Graybars (not to be confused with Greyfriars) and the micro-brewery being named The Clink with creative beer names like Penitentiary Porter, Pokey Pilsner, and the Solitary Stout. The top floor will be opened up and renovated as a reservable, private event space called Club Fed.

Former City Councilman Moses Freeman, Jr. applauded the announcement and stated that residents of College Hill Courts should look to the example of the jail breaking it’s cycle of incarceration and violence and be inspired to pull themselves up by their bootstraps to end their generational cycles and mindsets of poverty. Indeed in Kim White’s presentation to City Council, she enthusiastically reported that one of the micro-living condos will be set aside for affordable housing at 120% of the median income of Chattanooga thanks to a generous PILOT agreement in which the city and county will indefinitely waive all future property taxes and provide Silverdale inmates the opportunity to provide free slave labor participate in workforce training in custodial and groundskeeping work.

Plans are already underway for a grand opening and mural dedication ceremony on International Human Rights Day 2019 sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce that will feature Stratton Tingle recording a Live From the (Former) Hamilton County Jail experimental album using a guitar with it’s strings replaced by white dreads.