I am not really sure why Iām writing this but Iām doing it anyway.
Since I came back from Japan, everything has been a mess.Ā
I am a person that has a hard time with time management, itās very hard for me to stay organized and follow schedules. This is because I have constant ups and downs and my productive energy and focus vary in intensity. In general I keep it in check, some weeks I produce tons of stuff and some other weeks the production is kept at a minimun but still meeting all deadlines.
But the trip to Japan kinda messed with my schedules. When I got back spent last days of November and first week of December completely sick. Then I worked quite a bit during December but having minor symptoms of anxiety.
I usually have them under control because after being 4 years under psychiatric & therapist treatment kinda teaches you a few things about anxious personality disorder with panic attacks.
In January I started having terrible back & hip pains, kind of a consecuence from my trip too. I injured my knees for walking too much. This week I went to a doctor and I have to go to rehab, physiotherapy and gym to strengthen cuadriceps; my legs muscles are weak so my knees are doing the wrong movements.
During January my anxiety increased and it got to the point where last Monday I had a fucking huge panic attack, like the ones I used to have back in 2010. I had to call an ambulance because I couldnāt find my health insurance number at that time. I ended up in a hospital, I was given pills... ah, whatever. The usual. (Itās not something serious but sometimes when you call an ambulance here they are under the obligation to take you to a public hospital to have you checked)
I was able to contact a therapist last Friday and I am so glad I did. Last year I saw two other therapist and things didnāt go well, I ended up frustrated and sad. Having to tell all my story for a third time seemed exhausting and I already didnāt have much expectations but quite the contrary, it was really awesome. The guy made it super easy for me, he really listened to me and by the end, when I told himĀ āthis time I donāt know whatās bothering me so much, I donāt know whatās stressing me, I want to know why so I can work on it but Iām cluelessā he just gave me the most spot on answer and I was like... fuck, it was right in front of my face. Obviously, itās not a magical answer, he listened so well that he was able to see certain things in my speech that I didnāt.
Basically, thereās a voice inside my head, a very negative voice thatās tiranic, merciless, ruthless that doesnāt leave me breath. That voice is constantly telling me what I should do, when I should do it, why I should do it, etc. Itās pressuring me all the time. Itās like having a toxic dom inside me lmao. If I donāt do stuff, I am guilty. If I donāt meet deadlines, Iām a failure. If my drawings donāt meet a certain standard, I shouldnāt even have the right to draw.
Yeah, itās hard to live like that. Youāre not supposed to live like that. But right now this is what has been happening since I overcame my first obstacle: making the decision to do art.
So this is whatās been happening, this is why there arenāt new pages of Midnight Coffee. Iām so stressed out that I have lost all the motivation to draw. I love my story and I have been thinking about it a lot. Actually I even forced myself to thumbnail part 1 of the new version, but thatās the only thing Iāve accomplished so far.
Also, social media is contributing to all this toxic behavior. It angers me to read complaints about life from random people. I try to not complain, I try to be positive for me and for others. People whining and crying constantly about every little thing just... right now, it gets on my nerves and leaves me absolutely upset and angry.
And people being productive is hurting me too. Of course, I am happy for them and usually itās very inspirational. But right now, it makes me feel bad because I am not being productive and I really wish to be.
So this is why Iām cutting myself out of social media for a while, probably a month or two. I will try to upload some MC pages but there arenāt any set dates. Patreons will get their rewards as per usual, as well as commissions will be delivered.
You can contact me via DM in twitter, in Discord if you have me or by email: [email protected]
But Iām not going to be as active as before for a while.
I need time to reorganize myself, my schedules, everything.
Sorry for the long post, sorry it has come to this. I hate to dissapoint but I do need time to heal.
Thank you.
