Seeing him was not how I anticipated. I had planned to run into his arms. To embrace him long enough to fill the place in my heart that had been devoid of him for so long. I thought everything would be different, better, now that we were older. I thought we'd confess our feelings for each other and stick it to the one who prevented us from being together. We did not hug hello. He joined me at the table in McDonald's where I sat waiting for him and we had idle chit chat about trivial things over coffee. But how nice it was just to hear his voice. To watch him as he spoke. It took only a few words for me to be reminded of how I felt for him. God how I still feel for him. We walked through trails that lead to the ocean and made fun of my shoes for not being fitted to the occasion. We chatted along the way but I could never quite read him. He was quiet. Distant. Never had he been one for striking a conversation but there was an absence in him that frightened me. How I regret not holding his hand as we stopped to look out to the ocean. I wonder if he could tell how my heart beat to the waves that crashed against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. How I regret not kissing him when he asked if I was seeing anybody and when he said no upon my returning the question. I do not understand what's going on and all I want to do is talk to him but I can't force that. It's making me confused and angry. At myself. At the way the universe keeps distancing us. But even if it was my only choice, I could never bring myself to erase him from my life. To know that I would never see him walk down my driveway again. Never hear him say my name the way that he does. Never kiss him somewhere other than the backseat of his car at 4am. To never have the life I so long to have with him utterly numbs me. A friend once told me "always make sure they love you just that little bit more". I know you're not supposed to go above and beyond for the boy that can't text back. But my heart continues to magnetise toward him and I don't know how to change that.
My heart is so damn tired yet it continues to beat.
