ambrosia

i danced with death but my heart wasn't all that into it

[redrosepoet]

I'm sure no one ever reads this anymore but I've recently started writing again and posting it to Instagram under a different pyseudonym. Pls message me (not on anonymous) if u want to know what it is!!!

[redrosepoet]

i want him to look at me like i am an oasis and he has been dying of thirst his whole life

[redrosepoet]

how strange it is to  not recognise yourself.  to look in the mirror and  realise you don't see yourself  today.  to walk down the street and  feel as though the roads  aren't real.  like you could walk  directly into traffic and  face no consquences.  some days you feel  fake. an imposter.  a stranger in your own life.  imagined.

dissociation // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

h

i

[redrosepoet]

you guys used to talk to me waaaaay more

[redrosepoet]

My windows are open and  I'm sure the whole street  can hear me crying.    Begging my friends to tell me  what I did to deserve to be  hurt like that. Why he keeps doing it  like it's an act in a circus show and  I'm the main attraction.    I am so broken and  without reason. Why did  you destroy me then act like I'm  the villain for leaving.

// redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

You've taken  my words. I can't  write anymore.    So you can tell them I'm a horrible, hateful bitch who wasn't adult enough to talk. Or to stay. Or you can tell them that you wished I was strong enough to fight. Or you can tell them that you wish I'd suffered through the pain.    Or you can tell them despite how many times you broke me,  I stayed anyway.

but i can’t keep fighting for pain // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

i just wanna hate you. wanna take your heart in my hand and crush it until you know what you've done to me. i wanna hate you for telling me not to sing or not to cry or not to think about it too much.    it's been 7 fucking months and i still can't say your name without a behind-the-scenes sequence of the love i gave you. you made me cold, you know? took the softest part of me and left it in the sun till it rotted and rotted.    even the good memories taste bitter to me, my lost love. they taste like the times i gave you all of me but you couldn't even come down to see me. i wish i could hate you, babe. but you still got it. you still got me.

please don’t come back // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

so sugary, so fucking sweet for you, babe. i'd rot my teeth on your name because it's so damn pretty to say. you tore open my veins and they bled syrup just because you touched me. sent me on a sugar rush when you said you loved me and i haven't since been the same since i thought i could take your last name.   i was so sweet for you, babe.   why'd you take that away?

sour // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

you told me i was the kindest person you’d ever met. and back then it was the loveliest thing anyone had ever said, but now it just feels like a precursor, a prologue. like you were saying “look at this girl! look at what she is like before i fuck her up.”

//redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

how dare you make a home out of me before i knew how terrible you were. how dare you tell me you love me and then critisise the supports that hold me, the windows that you cracked, the doors that are kicked in. this is my body and i let you in. this body is my home and you took every bad thing i’d ever thought about myself and you plastered the words right all over the paint work, told me you love me even though i’m bleeding. 

how many ways can i write that you were the one who broke me and then had the audacity to say that i was cruel for leaving. 

//redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

and he says he's sorry,   but the sky only apologises after the storm has shattered the windows, after the house is already flooded and the ground is too busy trying to soak up whats left of the rain to care about supporting your feet.    and he says he's sorry, that he'll still love you if you're broken.

[redrosepoet]

pale lost boy, hasn't known how to find himself since his dad died. tried to walk right into traffic as i watched, blocked by a fence that i couldn't touch.    and i loved him back, i just never said it. said i couldn't be with someone who only loves with hands around my neck. now we're both trying to live in these lonely beds, our bodies so used to making room for the other person that we only confide ourself to one half of the sheets, half of the duvet, two pillows each.    how unfair is it that you made a home in me just to watch it burn. i could've loved you forever if you hadn't had turned my insides to ashes and i know you loved cigarettes but i'm still choking on the smoke. i swear you only love things that are broken, but god damn wasn't i damaged enough before you came along?    you say you made a mistake, that you've never loved someone like this, that you didn't mean all those things you said - and i stopped you right there, because if you really loved someone, you wouldn't make them stay for this.

// redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

hey -  hard hearted love.    i'm sorry you're such a victim of not only your past but mine. i'm sorry i don't know how to love yet without claws and dirt and mud.    we sit here, backs facing. you don't listen when i tell you you don't listen. you laugh, and it cuts through my skin like an ice pick trying to find its way to my marrow. i snap at you for touching me with cold hands, like it isn't already winter enough in this body but i'm sorry.    there is 6 centimetres of distance between us on this bed right now and about a mile of tension. the window is open and it is raining outside. the blankets are in a mess on the floor and you are laid next to the wall. you say, "lets just go to sleep," and i say "yeah, probably." even though you know i don't believe in going to sleep when angry.    what am i fighting for, hard hearted love? why are my knuckles bruised and bleeding, why is my head hurting and why is my chest heaving?

where do i always find these broken ones // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

I just can't seem to shake you, skinny love -  I wrote a poem way back in November and oh my love is that how long it has been? How long we've been digging our nails in? Clutching onto blood and flesh and skin?   We just keep holding on, like somehow circumstances might change or maybe it won't be so difficult this time or hey there's a chance it won't hurt so god damn much if we do this all over again.   But it does, doesn't it, skinny love?

skinny love // redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

oh, no  please help me.  there is a stranger in my skin.   she is trying to teach me how to FEEL again.

// redrosepoet

[redrosepoet]

Malnourished Love

I wasn't going to wait around forever. I think you knew that from the start, even though I never said it. I came into your life like a worldwind, I think. All big brown eyes and always talking like I'm writing poetry. You weren't my usual type. If I have one, I guess. You were just so good and you didn’t even know it. I knew you weren’t ready for me from the moment we met but God, haven’t we grown so much since then? A series of ‘almosts’ and ‘bad timing’ and somewhere in that I fell in love with you. In the worst kind of love - love without hope. 

And I gave you every opportunity to say it. “Say the words,” I’d tell you. “Say them because you feel it. Even if it changes nothing.” 

But you didn’t. 

// redrosepoet