Reed

I am nothing and everything

[lilcowgirl7-deactivated20210223]

I have dreams of you asking me better questions. Your desire to know more makes the love feel fuller. Then I open my eyes and you’re never as curious as I want

[feral-ballad]

Ana Božičević, from Rise in the Fall; “Anxiety of Influence”

[reedsthoughts4ever]

smoke fills everything

[reedsthoughts4ever]

Converstaion

Am i too much?

Too much how?

Like i don’t just want you,

i want all of you

in a way that doesn’t leave space for anything else

I don’t think that’s wrong

I can’t sleep sometimes

thinking about other people knowing you

loving you in ways that aren’t mine

I don’t know how to fix that

I don’t want you to fix it

i want you to feel it

I’m trying to

i just don’t think i feel things the way you do

I want to be the only place you exist

is that horrible?

I don’t know how to answer that

I think about keeping you

I don’t understand how to be that for you

but i want to try

I want us to blur together

to the point where there’s no line

just one thing instead of two

I still feel like myself

even when i’m with you

that’s what scares me

I don’t know how to stop being separate

It’s good to be separate

i want to consume you

and be consumed back

I don’t know how to do that without losing you

I already feel like i’m losing you

every time you’re not with me

I’m here right now

it’s not enough

tell me how to make it enough

I don’t know if you can

then tell me how to try

just don’t disappear trying to reach me

I think that’s exactly what i’m doing

[reedsthoughts4ever]

it’s weird how i disappear

without anyone noticing,

i’m still there physically

laughing at the right moments

saying the right things

none of it feels like it’s coming from me

something i’ve learned to repeat

then i come back

everything feels wrong

i’ve missed something important

i’ve been living on autopilot, now i have to deal with whatever version of me was in control

half finished conversations, promises i don’t remember making, people looking at me like i’m consistent, reminding myself that i’m someone they understand

i nod

because it’s easier

they ask me who i am

and i don’t have an answer

so i borrow one

whatever they’ve told me before, whatever sticks the easiest

i follow it

maybe if i repeat it enough

it’ll start to feel real

l it doesn’t

it feels like i’m filling in a blank

with handwriting that isn’t mine

when i actually stop

when it all goes quiet again

i can see it

the mess

the distance

the way i’ve shaped myself

into something that fits everywhere

except with me

i don’t even know what i’m supposed to go back to

there’s no clear version

no original to return to

pieces

habits

whatever people needed me to be

at the time

i think that’s the worst part

i don’t know

if there was ever something solid there

to begin with

[reedsthoughts4ever]

the urge to become sick, almost heart beat stopping sick, to be handled with care, to be told gentle things while i fall asleep.

the nurturing of someone that loves me undoubtedly, returning to my bedside to remember me, to fix my damaged plates and weld them together, not with glue but with fire. make it permanent. permanent gentleness and care.

i want to be held like it’s a duty, not a burden.

[reedsthoughts4ever]

Conversation

Am i wrong? am I perverted?

No you’re not, i’m worse i think

I feel disgusted in myself

I’m not disgusted in you

I don’t understand how this can be loved

I see the dedication behind the hurt you make me feel

I make you cry

You told me that you like seeing me cry and the helplessness in it

I know

I don’t know how to feel about that exactly, it hurt me in such a strange way but i think it’s beautiful

That i like when you cry?

That you have the ability to make me cry