Read the letter you wrote at the end of 2014, and write back to yourself. Then write a letter to your future self for the end of 2016.
First of all, yes. Iām still alive and havenāt ODāed yet. I guess I donāt really have to say yet anymore because guess what? Iām riding the sobriety train now. Shocker, right? Iām still surprised myself. I remember where I was last year and I remember thinking that I was never going to change. I had no hope for getting sober and I found myself surprised at the idea of even being half functional. The first half of last year was a bad one for me, but the second half has totally done a 360 twist.
Letās get the sobriety part out of the way first. At the moment that Iām writing this Iāve been sober for just over six months. Of course I had a slip up with pot, but that was kind of to be expected, right? Itās my drug of choice. Iām drinking again, but Iām doing it in moderation. I really donāt have any desire to get wasted like I used to now that I think about it. Guess thatās a big change, huh? I remember wanting to get wasted or high to solve all of my problems, which just ended up creating bigger problems. I fucked a lot of things up when I was using. Most of the things Iāve been able to fix, but some of them are still suffering from the aftermath.
Things with dad have improved. We talk at least once every week now which is a lot more than I can say we used too. When mom died, everything changed. Dad started dating this total asshole of a woman and I hated him for it. I hated him for doing that to his kids but now that my head is clear, Iāve figured out that he was suffering just as much as we were. Heās doing really good now from what heās told me. Heās spending more time with Nate, which was something I was getting kind of worried about. Your brother, whether you want to admit it or not, is one of the most important people to you. Iāll protect him with my life, and at one point that meant protecting him from our father, which he ended up resenting me for. Our family situation is a hell of a lot better now that Iāve moved out and gotten clean. I think the place was just getting too crowded for the three of us, you know?
Speaking of moving out, Iām up in Los Angeles now. I got into college this year and graduated high school, which are both accomplishments in my book that I never thought I would be able to say happened. I kind of stalked my best friend Jayme to college, but weāre living together now, which we both agree is good for us. We used to lean on each other when things went wrong. She took the fall for me and I took the fall for her, but now weāre just kind of hanging in perfect balance, if that makes sense. Iām in a good place and she has a lot to do with that. Sheās my support system here in Los Angeles, and Iād like to think that Iām hers too.
You were half right about the single part. Christian and I are kind of somewhere between together and not, but I think I know what needs to be done. Iām going to start owning it like you hoped I would. Like you said, I have to live it up while I can, even though āliving it upā means something completely different to me now. Iāve still got a kick ass job at the dance studio where I teach classes. Iām not going to lie, Iāve been bringing home the bacon. Itās also kept me on the sobriety path. Dancing is something that Iāve learned to use a cleansing ritual. I know that sounds dramatic and shit, but if it wasnāt for my passion for dancing, I would probably be hanging on by my fingernails right now. In all honesty, itās saved my life.
Mom would be proud of me, like you said. And Iām sure some asshole is going to make me do this kind of thing again next year, so hopefully Iām living it big even more and doing something totally rad by then. Mom is watching, I know she is. Sheās probably got that big beautiful smile on her face like she always used to have when you two hung out. She would be our number one fan.
I said it once and Iāll say it againā¦
Stay surrounded by the better people. The better people always keep you sane.
So remember this year as a guideline on how to keep living your life, because itās a damn good example to look at.
Keep doing what youāre doing, Collins.
So apparently this is still a thing, writing letters to yourself. I donāt really know why Iām doing this when I could be getting ready to go to the bar so I guess I should do this quickly. Iāll get my ass kicked if Iām late.
Still alive here and doing pretty good. Kicking weed to the curb was tough but also easier than I expected. Thereās been a couple of fuck up moments where Iāve slipped back into old habits but nobody is perfect, right? I know how to handle myself now if I get the urge to smoke again. Iām still drinking, which Iām feeling fine about. Some people like to say that Iām not sober because Iām drinking but sobriety is different for everybody, and to me it was about getting away from pot and cutting back on the alcohol, which I have. Note, Iām probably getting wasted tonight, but itās been a while since Iāve done that so I think I deserve to do it for one night.Ā
Things with dad and Nate are still going really well. I just saw them over Christmas and it was totally rad being back with them again. Nate is growing up so fucking fast, itās unbelievable. Iām betting heāll be taller than me by this time next year, hell, maybe even a couple months from now. Dad is spending a lot of time with him, which Iām happy about. I was worried moving out to LA that Nate wouldnāt have anyone to talk to about stuff you need someone to talk with about, you know? But theyāre doing even better with each other than this time last year, so thatās really great to see. It takes a weight off my shoulders.
Iām still living in Los Angeles with Jayme and Iām still loving it. Iāve dated a couple people, but I think Iām taking a break from that now, at least until I figure out what kind of person I want to be with. Not to say I donāt care for the people Iāve dated recently but you know, I just need a break from that scene. I donāt know how much longer Iāll be living with Jay because Iām getting this weird feeling that sheās going to ask me to move out soon, but I donāt think Iām too worried about it. Iām doing good in the money department, I still have a kick ass job at the dance studio, my grades are pretty good, and I know I have friends I can couch surf with if I canāt find a place of my own. Iām trying not to stress about it until I need too.Ā
Christian is pretty much gone from life, so thereās that. This time last year I guess we were somewhat on the fence but at this point I donāt think thereās anything we can do. But that doesnāt bother me as much as it used to because Iām better off. I still see him every once and a while and it makes my heart sink into my stomach, but I know thatāll go away eventually. Like I said, Iām better off with people I can thrive with, not keeping toxic relationships just because I feel like I owe people. I just want to move on at this point, so thatās what Iām doing there. So, sorry past Reese if you expected something good to come out of that situation, because it didnāt.Ā
You were right on one thing though, past me.
The better people do keep me sane.
So yeah, if you have to do this stupid thing next year, I hope youāre advancing even more in your life. Iāll hear from you then.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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