So much has happened since I last logged in here, wow.
Finally got married, beating our 4th lockdown by a month. Thank fuck that’s over. Lockdown still fucking suuucks though, I want to go back to 2019 so badly.
Was a good night, even though I was totally overwhelmed, blind due to not wearing glasses or contacts (planned to wear them for some of the reception but they got broken), and sweating my arse off in my dress. The day wasn’t perfect, so many things went wrong, but I’ve still never been so happy in my life. The moments I got to spend with just him, looking into his eyes, were so special. I honestly forgot 90+ people were staring at us/aiming their phones at us. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
We moved into our new house 4 days before the wedding, can you say STRESS!? It was huge and it was crazy, but we were just happy to be able to have our own house to go back to once we were newlyweds. Even if it was empty, it was home.
Because big things come in threes, I quit my job. I start at a new place 10 minutes from home next week. I’m excited, and nervous. But mostly I’m glad I finally had the balls to leave such a toxic workplace. My mental health couldn’t do it anymore. If your workplace/boss is constantly bringing you down, making you feel like you’re not good enough. Leave. Give up that sense of loyalty, they don’t have any when it comes to you. I cannot stress that enough. I was there for three years and I’m convinced I made her day when I quit. She spent a good 40 minutes trying to convince me the industry wasn’t right for me before I’d had enough. Some would say I gave in to her wishes, I let her convince me. And maybe that’s right in a way. But not really. I stood up for myself, because despite everything she was drumming into me, despite how much she was making me feel like I was bad at my job, part of me still didn’t believe her. I was being bullied and I’d had enough. I didn’t need to be loyal to them anymore. They weren’t giving me anything in return, and I was ruining my mental health for them. And for what? I’m glad I bit the bullet, and even though I’ll miss the kids and their parents, I’m hopeful that my new place of work will be supportive and will actually value me and my skills.
So, that’s where I’m at currently. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind, and I’m feeling all kinds of mixed feelings, but I’m surviving. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to say without hesitation that I’m _happy_ but that’s honestly something I feel I haven’t been able to feel completely since 2019. Covid has changed everything and taken so much away from us and I feel so fucking mournful, and I don’t see an end. Normalcy as we once knew it may never return and that terrifies me. Eh.
everything that’s supposed to be good just has the joy sucked out of it. i’m fucking exhausted. we haven’t gotten to celebrate ANY step of building our first home, because we can’t see our friends, we can’t see our family. and now, we can’t even go and SEE our house being built. first world problems, maybe. but i am frustrated. our life milestones are just gonna be forever tainted by this goddamn virus. 2020 - the year we built a house but were not allowed to go see the frame, or even get the chance to write our initials on the slab like everyone else before us got to. the year we were supposed to get married, TWICE. that’s a whole other thing. I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH ANOTHER DAY THAT WAS _SUPPOSED_ TO BE OUR WEDDING DAY. cause it wasn’t enough of a kick in the guts the first time, right? i’m just about fucking done at this point. we’re making progress finally and we just cannot enjoy it to the extent that we should be. i feel so ripped off. fuck you, 2020. fuck you, coronavirus.
i’d do my usual disclaimer about knowing that people have it worse, but fuck it. my feelings are valid too.
it feels like i’m mourning. and i guess i kinda am.
mourning the life i used to have. the way things used to be. the year i thought i was gonna have. mourning our wedding and everything we’d hoped for. where we thought we’d be right now. mourning all the good times and the moments we’re missing.
2020 is both the best and the worst year of my life and that is so incredibly fucking confusing. to be getting married and buying a house in a year that everyone has written off comes with so many mixed feelings. are we going to look back on this year as a terrible write off like everyone else? i don’t feel like we can, completely. because this year will always be the year we reached some of the biggest milestones of our lives. but at the same time, it’s also been incredibly challenging, isolating, and at times downright depressing.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
and frankly, as selfish as it may sound, i’m kinda pissed this had to happen now, like wtf, we had YEARS where we were just kinda... floating by, not really getting anywhere. but JUST as we FINALLY get our shit together and start making changes and start achieving everything we dreamed of, life throws us a goddamn curveball in the form of a freakin PANDEMIC. jeeeeeeesus christ.
ps. YES i know people are dying and are incredibly ill, my heart literally hurts for them. i don’t mean to sound whiney or entitled but this is how i’m feeling right now and if i don’t vent somewhere i’m gonna bloody lose it, so let me have my selfish whiney ‘why me’ moment plz and thank u.
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