A life of phobias

I am a regular psychopath. I see things that aren't there in my life. I have a history of endless phobias. This tumblr is my prognosis in futile attempt of recovery.

[regularpsychopath]

Iatrophobia - Fear of going to the doctor

He tells me to take my medications all the time. The voices from 'Doctor' whisper to his assistants about my condition. They speak of my 'phobias' and a strange manifestation from treatment. 

They say my mental capabilities are above average, I can remember things that the strange forces give me test after test after test. They ask me to do mathematical sums, give me vocabulary tests, solve puzzles, pattern recognition etc. 

'Doctor' once visited my ward at night, I was clouded by the poison they inject into my veins once again, immobilised but strangely aware of my surroundings. Piercing eyes stared at me intently then he frowned. 

"You are the most fascinating specimen of a patient in all my decades of treatment," the voice said, "Your mental illnesses will never enable you to live a normal life, your mind is destroyed by the horrific torments of your past, but yet your cognitive development is suddenly progressing at a terrifying pace. Something is happening in your brain, but what?" 

I smiled for the first time in years. 

[regularpsychopath]

Pharmacophobia – Fear of medications

From as far back as I can remember, my world has been tuned down. Something is happening, I can feel it. I finally saw where the voices are coming from, the ones that tell me to write these entries, the ones that tell me to take my medication, the ones that ask me time and time again about 'Mother'. 

The voices are directed by one of those peoplelings. He directs all the voices at me, tells me things and asks me many questions. He asks me to take my neuroleptics, he tells me that we need to undergo cognitive-behavioural therapy and then he asks the other people in white to hold me down when I am in fits and my soul is trying to leave my body. 

The voices they said most of the cerebrospinal fluid will be drained from around the brain through a lumbar puncture and replaced with air to allow the structure of the brain to show up more clearly on an X-ray image. I didn’t understand what it meant, but I didn’t want the treatment, but they said it would be good for me. 

Headaches and severe vomiting set in. My head was split into half and everything burned. There was a constant shrill wail that I realised was coming from my mouth itself. The peoplelings in white bustled around me and told me 'relax' over and over again, and hooked me up and pierced my skin all over. 

[regularpsychopath]

Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society

I am unable to see peoplelings around me. I believe that is what they are called. I think they are somewhat like me, in their physical aspect. But they are merely gliding passing inconveniences. I once was able to see these peoplelings that are somewhat like myself, but not so, and that was a long time ago. I remember being terrified of them. Perhaps I blocked them out before I lost my sanity, or am I already crazy? 

I remember a peopleling, always screaming, always crying. She had eyes of a devil, wild and untamed and I remember always hurting everywhere because of her. I called her 'Mother' a long time ago. She took a gun and pressed it to her temple once, her eyes dead but alive and I watched as she painted the wall red. Who is that? It hurts my brain to remember. It hurts because they probe me to remember, pressing my skull against the barrier in my mind that cannot be broken. I cannot remember the past, and most of my life has been drowned out and tuned down. All I live for is the fear of everything around me. 

[regularpsychopath]

Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old

"When I was younger…….. I’d put my arms in my shirt and told people I lost my arms. Would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose. Slept with all the stuffed animals as a child so none of them got offended..Had that one pen with 4 colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once. Poured soda into the cap and acting like I were taking shots. The hardest decision was choosing which Nintendo game to play. Waited behind a door to scare someone, then leaving because they’re taking too long to come out or you had to pee. Faked being asleep, so I could be carried to bed. Used to think that the moon followed my car. Watching two drops of rain roll down window and pretending it was a race. Went on the computer just to use Paint. The only thing i had to take care of was a Tamagotchi. The only ‘fake’ friends i had were invisible ones . I used to sing in the shower. (Now? I make life decisions in there now). Swallowed a fruit seed I was scared to death that a tree was going to grow in my tummy. Getting a bruised knees heals better than a broken heart. Remember when we were kids and couldn’t wait to grow up…what the hell were we thinking?" -ispeakforboys 

[regularpsychopath]

Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places

[regularpsychopath]

Philophobia - Fear of love

I am writhing deformed scum, unworthy, unworthy, unworthy. 

[regularpsychopath]

Acrophobia- Fear of heights

I fear heights, because I fear the fall that comes after. I fear the clammy feel of temporary salvation, but mostly I fear the pain that comes after. I am thrown up mercilessly, unprepared and terrified, and I gulp and staunch down my panic when I am high up in the air.

[regularpsychopath]

Bogyphobia- Fear of the bogeyman

"There is a condition worse than blindness, and that is, seeing something that isn't there." Thomas Hardy 

I saw the man once, I saw him amidst my troubled sleep (I call it 'sleep' with no association of rest). No, he is not a man, he was a shapeshifter. It strikes unaltered terror in my heart. Perhaps he is still following me. 

[regularpsychopath]

Hemophobia - Fear of blood.

Blood comprises of 7-8% of the human body weight. 40-50% of blood is red blood cells, 1% white blood cells, platelets all swimming in the remaining 55% of plasma. I am terrified of the very notion of blood, it makes me sick to my very bones. I had a hallucination once, of a ghastly aged man writhing in agony, his hand trapped in a freak accident, and blood – his life essence, gushing out of his arm. They tried to staunch the blood, and a large pile of rotting flesh lay on the ground, painted vermillion. 

[regularpsychopath]

Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched

[regularpsychopath]

Acousticophobia- Fear of noise

I detest noise. It rips my ears apart, invades my brain and leaves a nasty throbbing feeling down to my gut. Noise is the inchoation of violence. I wish I didn’t exist in the presence of noise, and if I dig my fingers into my ears until they disintegrate then maybe the white noise will drown out my existence. 

[regularpsychopath]

Ambulophobia - Fear of walking

The fear of walking grips me, it is a nagging sickness and a constant pressure. My muscles are about to snap, but they hold on in sickened terror. Walking is impossible, the methodical sequence that we as young children were once so proud to be able to master is a terror to me. I cannot walk, cannot move and cannot run. I am living in constant strain and the phobia of walking. 

[regularpsychopath]

Aglophobia - Fear of pain

Physical pain is a hindrance. Bloodshed, singed tissues and tendons and seared flesh are but mere limitations to the human body. We are born weak, made weak and pain is a constant reminder that I am human. I fly up high and terrified, eyes gasping for breath and cruel aglophobia grips and yanks at my muscles, tearing and breaking everything that is left of my human frame.