Rejected Amazon Reviews

A one-time Top 2,000 Amazon reviewer, summarily purged from their system for speaking the truth. I'm still not exactly sure why. RANDOM REVIEW Do you feel lucky? Well, do you punk? var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-1815774-3']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })();

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Nordstrom Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans

Best Virtue Signaling Outerwear Since a ‘85 Springsteen Concert T

Sneering coastal elitists will call these “heavily distressed medium-blue denim pants that embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action” a pathetic attempt to curry favor with those responsible for the current political zeitgeist. I can tell you, however, that they are far more than a cynical attempt at marketing. After spending $425 for a pair of these pre-distressed pants, I too have acted against my economic interests.

( random review )

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Trump Make America Great Again Red Cap Collectible Ornament

Don’t Get Sticker Shock

While the $209.99 price for this tiny gold-plated ornament may seem a bit excessive for those of us toiling away at the few remaining blue collar jobs in the Rust Belt, bear in mind that this headgear-shaped manifestation of holiday hopes and dreams for a better America, one in which everyone will once again say “Merry Christmas” well into late March or early April, comes shipped in enough packing materials to build a big, beautiful wall around your Christmas tree -- and make the elves pay for it.

( random review ) 

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Memoirs of a Polar Bear by Yoko Tawada

Not Quite What I Expected

As a fan of the Revenant, I was hoping for a little less in the way of anthropomorphized existential musings and a little more in the way of eroticaly tinged maulings.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Footloose (1984)

A Whiff of Dancy Teenage Angst

Not to be confused with the tepid aughts remake, this seminal 1984 classic reminds me of the innumerable times during my troubled teenage years when I'd break into abandoned industrial plants, angrily chug a beer, take a drag off a cigarette and then dance my heart out until a rusty nail went through my foot. The deleted scene in which Kevin Bacon gets a tetanus booster is not to be missed. 

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

I Can Be a Computer Engineer (Barbie) (Deluxe Pictureback)

Perpetuates Dated Gender Norms

This "pictureback," one of a growing series in the Barbie-explores-a-career ouevre, purports to give girls confidence that they can pursue a career in the lucrative STEM fields. While other critics have rightly pointed out that the book instead reinforces the same gender norms that characterize the technology sector writ large by having our plasticine protagonist seek the assistance of two boys to disinfect her virus-ridden laptop, I am equally concerned by the unrealistic depiction of computer engineering. Barbie's use of Javascript instead of an object-oriented programming language to create a working simulation of a nanoparticulate centerfuge, for example, is highly questionable. And the 23 pages of debugger output included in the appendix are clearly from an Xcode compiler. Come on, anonymous author of the Barbie books, this is a pictureback, not a picture book! You don't think your readers are sophisticated enough to catch errors that stand out like a sore thumb to anyone with a passing knowledge of COBOL?

And not to pile on, but Barbie's pink glasses could use a few more sparkles.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

BACON shaped themed Adhesive Bandages, 15 Die-Cut Sterile Strips

Unanticipated consequences

While overenthusiastic orthodontists and guard dogs routinely lead to a variety of minor lacerations in my line of work, these bandages proved to be counterproductive, as every time I glanced down to ensure my balaclava was ready for use, I couldn't help biting down, only to find the bitter taste of a die-cut sterile strip instead of pork goodness.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

1989 - Taylor Swift

Realpolitik at its most cynical (and danceable)

Art imitates life, so it is little wonder that some of the greatest thinkers of our era have focused with laserlike precision on the pivotal year made eponymous by this album. While other auteurs have focused on the tensions made manifest by the abrupt end of the Soviet era by rendering the conflict as grotesque parody, herein Ms. Swift uses treacly power pop to urge the formerly oppressed, the dispossessed, and those still seeking identity a quarter-century after the fall of the Berlin Wall to "shake it off," as she puts it in such stark vernacular. But behind such platitudes as "haters gonna hate" is a clear-eyed realpolitik that would make Henry Kissinger shudder, as the Swiftian Ms. Swift -- her choice of surname clearly not happenstance -- neatly dissects retrograde thinking and misplaced nostalgia. 

No mere pop trifle, this album carries with it a sound as fresh as the Ukrainian conflict, yet as resonant as the later works of Madonna and Scritti Politti.  And few from the western side of the Berlin Wall would hear the unconscious echoes of Young Pioneer chants in the much-derided spoken word passage near the end of the aforementioned single. My one critique: "Mein Ex-Mann brachte seine neue Freundin/Sie ist wie "Oh, mein Gott!" aber ich bin nur gonna shake" loses much of its emotional resonance when translated from the original German.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay by Hunter Fox

Stunning meditation on gender roles and identity

Talk about a scenario we can all relate to: "After graduating from NYU with a business degree, John is hired to be the assistant for one of the largest trading firms on Wall Street. His boss, the CEO of the company is highly regarded as the best businessman of the century. Only difference is that he is a dinosaur!"

Been there, done that. But in the hands of the genius pseudononymously known as "Mr. Fox," this workaday scenario is transformed into a stunning discourse on gender roles and identity in what is rapidly becoming a society in which traditional definitions of sexuality are no longer merely fluid, but utterly liquified. Consider the common, if inaccurate and hurtful, stereotype of the gay lothario, here transformed into a lumbering T-Rex with a penchant for stock picking instead of early Erasure mix tapes. This subtle shift in expectations, almost imperceptible to the casual reader, easily ranks among the greatest transformative events in literature in human history.

A word of caution is in order. Ignore the disclaimer on the website that this is merely a "3,500 word hardcore gay erotic novel." It contains multitudes, not the least of which is a stock-trading dinosaur. If only the now-lesser chronicler of the American story, Herman Melville, had the same level of creativity and insight, Moby Dick might have meant something a little different, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Goat Simulator for iOS

The Spiritual Descendant of Kierkegaard

Like all great works of art, this seemingly simple iPhone "app" can be enjoyed on many levels -- ostensibly and most obviously as a simple celebration of the capricious whims of nature, as personified by a four-legged agent of mayhem. But beneath the surface, just waiting to be licked away by this simulation's eponymous protagonist and its physics-defying tongue, lies a profound meditation on faith and morality. Much as Abraham struggled at the sacrificial altar, we, as so-called "players," face similar existential dilemmas, through which we role play via the eyes of a so-called lower mammalian. Do we adhere to the social compact and the mores of our society, or do we embrace the imperatives of our inner humanity -- or goatness, in this case -- and simply headbutt the construction worker off the crane because an unseen force -- in this case, the omnipotent finger of the "player" -- urges us too? In this app, the metaphorical becomes real, and layers upon layers reveal themselves (it is no accident that the "classy goat," a penguin that is perceived by mankind as significantly more attractive and dignified than the barnyard protagonist, resorts to the same behavior whilst traveling through this virtual landscape of our collective id). While Kierkegaard was forced to resort to the relative safety of a pseudonym (Johannes de silentio) to explore these issues in his seminal work Fear and Trembling, those of us with sufficient means to possess a smartphone with a data plan have at our disposal a four-legged proxy with which we can grapple with the core issues of our identity, plus smash any number of wooden crates and trampolines.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

9/11 Commemorative Cheese Platter

Never forget...

... the cheese and crackers. This commemorative platter, up until recently available at the gift shoppe for the new 9/11 museum at Ground Zero, serves as both a solemn reminder of the horrors of that day and a highly efficient delivery system for various dairy products at dinner parties. One word of caution, however, is in order for aficionados of aerosol-based cheese products: the three holes in the platter, meant to honor the sites of the worst acts of terror ever perpetrated on American soil, will leave unsightly star-shaped stains on upholstery when handled by overzealous dinner guests.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Big Ass Spider (2013)

Brilliant Critique of Asymmetrical Warfare

As with other great horror films, this overlooked 2013 masterpiece carries a subversive, almost dangerous message, one that resonates from Lexington and Concord and Benghazi and Fallujah all the way to the bargain matinee at Particleboard Multiplex 12. The diminishing returns of large-scale military might and technology against today's asymmetrical threats are shown in starkly revealing terms, as a military strike force fails to eliminate the eponymous antagonist of this film, leaving the task to an ethnically diverse duo of exterminators and scientists -- the so-called "eggheads" at once decried for their pacifistic leanings yet sought after for their knowledge by the military-industrial complex and its related apparatuses.

Not since The Battle of Algiers has there been such an insightful critique of traditional counterinsurgency strategies, and like that earlier, and now demonstrably inferior film, we have it on good authority that it is now required viewing at the State Department, the Pentagon, and the U.S. Department of Game and Inland Fisheries.

As an added bonus, the aforementioned spider is, in fact, alarmingly large.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Freedom Tray (The Original Version)

Trappings of Empire

At first glance, this polyurethane injection-molded container for various snack products and high-fructose corn syrup-laden beverages appears to be a highly useful iteration of the traditional "TV tray" -- itself a reflection of traditional mainstream American values. But look closer, and you'll see a stunning critique of American interventionism, hiding in plain sight in your living room. The divider sections, ostensibly intended to keep your French freedom fries from encroaching on your Super Angus Bacon Burger, are clearly a critique of how, as hegemon, the United States created arbitrary exclusion zones, borders as geopolitical chess pieces. The portable, on-the-go nature of this food delivery system subtly evokes the MREs and other trappings of a perpetual military serving a permanent empire. Small wonder, then, that Noam Chomsky famously uses these trays to serve brie and crackers at social gatherings, although his 24,000-word essay comparing the trays to the standard-bearers carried by the centurions of the Roman Empire is notably absent from the company's marketing materials.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

DYMO LabelManager 160 Hand Held Label Maker

Blackberry Chic

While this well-constructed, portable label maker is ideal for highly materialistic compulsives, its uncanny resemblance to a 1997-era Blackberry prototype has made it an excellent, if unanticipated, status symbol during my work on no-bid contracts in developing nations. The fact that I can print out my "BBM messages" and affix them to the wall is merely icing on the cake.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Mom's Family Wall Calendar

Excellent

A great gift for the busy mom in your life. Mrs. Hoffert especially enjoys the helpful reminders on Dec. 1 -- "start wearing reindeer sweaters" -- and on Jan. 1 -- "stop wearing reindeer sweaters."

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

InCharacter Costumes, LLC Lil Leprechaun Jumpsuit Dress

Perpetuates hurtful cultural stereotypes in the cutest imaginable fashion

I somehow doubt my great-grandfather, Seamus O'Hoffert, would have found much humor in this costume. In fact, he might have challenged its maker to a boxing match or a railroad-building contest. However, time and the passing of the generations heals all wounds, and I can attest to the fact that Junior Hoffert is universally considered adorable toddling around the neighborhood in this high-quality costume. If only the neighbors would stop following him around in hopes of finding his pot of gold.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Accoutrements Emergency Underpants

Unbelievably Helpful

It's simply impossible to quantify the number of times these have come in handy in a pinch. Highly recommended for air traffic controllers, daredevils, and spouses of Liza Minnelli.

(random review)

[rejectedamazonreviews]

Multi Voice Changer by Toysmith: Change your voice with 8 different voice modifiers - Kids Toy (Colors May Vary)

Perhaps Too Effective

With eight different voices ranging from the hilarious to the somewhat disturbing, this device is highly effective—but, upon reflection, perhaps not the best tool to use on the first day on the job as a hostage negotiator.

(random review)