...SuicidalThoughts...
And things only a witchdoctor’s would have or prescribe I was shit scared that I ran out without locking the door (sigh) running away from the truth that hid behind those walls. Was I even going to question it? Did I have enough balls to ask his crushing the secret he held for so long?
I didn’t question it. I was afraid, afraid of myself afraid of reality so I chose to sit in the dark letting the dark consume me. Inside the house, I put the keys back where I found them rushing into my room Heart heavy, breathe short and a million questions on my mind. My room was this unfamiliar territory the ignorance of the evils of the house all around me, I sat on my bed facing up without an inch of movement It’s as if my thoughts and the darkness of the room were moving closer to me , talking to me, making fun of me, agitating me to turn to them. I tried to sleep but my mind was already filled with such curiosity it would take more than 9 lives to kill this cat. I scrolled up & down my phone rushing through my Whatsapp chat to share this with anybody and out of more than 500 contacts , not even one person was close enough to me to even give a piece of this tale.
Except YOU reading this now YOU’RE MY CONNECTION TO TRUTH, YES YOU.
Truly speaking, I was always alone, there was nobody I trusted enough to share this with unless I called my soul brother Sims, Sims is the brother I never had we were the same age & most my childhood experiences were with him although we got separated at our tender ages , our connection was deeper than that I could probably go for years without speaking to him & still see him as a part of me we always saw the rebellious ‘’let’s fuck up the world’’ kid in each other. You could consider us as each other’s twin soul, a twin soul is that person that understands, knows and reflects you. That person that you can laugh with 24/7 , that person that sees your tears before you even drop them , that person that never judges you for being yourself , that person you trust subconsciously, the person your soul chose before you came here to lead you home . That is Sims & that is my Twin Soul.
BUT unfortunately for me I was already part of the ‘CessBoyz’ & Sims phone number got lost with the inner-child; this time I’d have to swallow the truth all by myself. It was difficult I over thought things I couldn’t help it my mind was drawn to all the negative thoughts in my mind , it was hard for me. I sat on my bed on the verge of crying I thought ‘’why does this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this life? I don’t want this anymore.’’ Then I looked at my balcony and saw death standing there, calling me, kissing me, touching me and wanting to be my ‘friend’. I looked at death for about 15 minutes, 15 minutes of hell. That night the devil visited me & said ‘’come here my son you don’t have to feel this, get up! Your Father doesn’t love you’’. I got up, the carpet was like an escalator except it was going downwards I got to my balcony & looked down for a second. The evils of him were all around me , death was my final destination but my ride got interrupted by my phone ringing I stopped before jumping , I let it ring until the person calling stopped but something made me say to myself ‘’if they call for the third time I’ll know its God’’. So I waited, I didn’t hear any ring after the first call so I thought ‘’Damn maybe it was my time to die’’. I was take a leap forward then the phone rang for the second time & I let it. My body , Mind & Spirit were confused I couldn’t keep it together and tears were already flowing down. It rang until it stopped, I took another step closer to the edge said a prayer closed my eyes & let him take me away. The wind pushing me to where I thought I deserved to go as I was to let my spirit go, my phone rang. The surprise in my face was outrageous I thought to myself ‘’this is obviously a big coincidence, there’s no way in hell that could be God, it’s impossible’’. I got myself out of this sick death trance state I was in and ran to my phone to see who this person was saving me from myself.
That person was SETH out of all people it was him calling I didn’t want to answer but this was too much of a chance for me not to hear what he has to say so I answered. ‘’Dali , you know how I am dawg , I’m sorry bra that shit wasn’t supposed to go down that way I was stressed & let the anger get to me , hade boy.’’ Did I think he was lying? Absolutely! But how I felt was another story. I said to him quietly ‘’it’s cool, lets link up there’s things I want to discuss with you’’ & Seth said ‘’no problem dawgy, you just text me when & where I’ll be there.’’ I don’t know what movie I was in but I was willing to learn nonetheless. My room was still dark but a glimpse of hope was there, how big? You’ll just have to find out.
#Monday
