“I know the magic is gone,” I said, “And I know I cannot lift the both of us no matter how strong I am, but I feel as if I need to try once more.”
You looked at me with the most distant eyes, eyes that made me want to sit alone on a lonely Winter night and watch streetlights shine down on those madly in love and wrapped up in each other’s warmth.
You smiled faintly. It was all you could give after a long day. Your grey hoodie was unzipped, your hands in your back pockets, and you were trying to avoid looking in my eyes.
“But,” I started again, “I also know that no map can take us back to the first day, so tell me to stop. Tell me to stop trying. You always apologize, but you never tell me to stop.”
Not that it wasn’t expected, I saw it coming. I expected another apology, it was one more to add onto your list I started months ago, and with each additional one, they started to leave the aftertaste of cough syrup lingering. Some nights it stopped the symptoms, some nights, it made it worse. That was how you always left things.
“I’m sorry,” you repeated.
“Are you apologizing for not loving me back or for continuously letting me love you uncontrollably, to the point where I can’t focus on my routine because I’m so busy wondering about yours?”
The sun was gone by the time we finally made it to the edge of the river in silence. Your silhouette made its way in front of me, and with the reflection of the moon in your eyes, you looked at me and said, “I can’t stop apologizing. To you. To myself. I know I will never have this moment back and I also know that some day, I will think back on you and wish things would have been different. But, we live to do what is best for ourselves right?”
At that moment, I knew it all. You made the decision of what was best, or at least what you thought was best for both of us.
You always gave a sincere apology not because you were sorry for being unable to give me what I wanted, but because a part of you knew that you could have been the person for me, which terrified you more than anything. And so, you chose yourself, because being alone was safer than ever risking the chance of being left lonely.
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