in my mind ...

Ola! I'm Shalina Michelle. Loves anything blue, loves to eat, travelling. I'm also a sports enthusiast.

[resteretonnant]

Midday thoughts

I recently remembered how I was before.. Putting someone else first before myself. I even set myself to be far away so that they will not feel my presence or that might cause arguments to some people.

I even hid myself against the pillars just to look at them from afar and seeing them happy made me smile at least. As I'm not hindering them anymore.

I really try to always put someone else first before myself even if I feel really down and pitiful.

Until now, I'm still like that, but I love myself more than before but I still care for someone else first than I do.

Sorry for these random thoughts. I don't know if anyone can understand what I'm saying right now. Just a thought without any filter and edits.

[resteretonnant]

KPOP...Did it change me?

Hi! It's been so long since I have an entry here in Tumblr.

Just want to share some thoughts.. It's 2:34am and still watching some series while eating snacks.

Many people asked me why suddenly I became a kpop fan or into korean. Well, it all started in Nov 2017. At first, I really hesitated if I will going to watch this kdrama. At that time, I'm not into that kind of genre. It's so cliche. One night, I tried to watch a kdrama and I got hooked. Since then, I watch Kdrama and even listening to Kdrama OSTs.

2017 is not really my year. Like, I suddenly decided to quit my job because I might get terminated and my supervisor wasn't helping me to surpass that thing. So, I decided to quit and found another job. Luckily, I got a new job right away and it's so much better than the previous one.

Months have past at the new job I had. I started going out with guys, like a simple "date". Well, eating out here and there. But it didn't go out well. I felt like, I have wasted my time and sharing my feelings to others. So yeah, then I'm really struggling in my new work and I have so many issue in my house. I just don't want to go home.

I tried to go out with friends but whenever I'm with them, it feels like they're not there. Yes, physically they're present but emotionally and mentally absent. I really felt so alone. Like, I always need to ask someone to hang out with me or if they have time with me. They don't really initiate so I feel like I was forcing myself to someone so I can feel that I belong.

So yeah, it's been like that for years and it's so tiring.

So, that time I started watching Kdrama, I felt that comfort that I was searching. My kdrama genres before was Melodrama because the story was focusing on how the lead actors sacrifices themselves just to have someone be happy at the long run. And it is somehow a famaliar experience to me.

Months went by and I'm getting so hooked in watching kdrama but I was thinking to try watching different korean shows. So I started watching my 1st K variety show in YT and that feeling while watching is so different in watching Kdramas. So I shifted slowly in K variety shows and started listening to Kpop as well.

Got into Kpop full time in Feb 2018. Tried watching all the variety shows, kdramas (if the group is also has an actress). From there my Kpop journey started and expanded. Currently, I stan 5 girl groups. But my ult group is currently the 3rd Gen Nations Girl Group. I do listen in some kpop artist as well, mainly girl groups, Solo artists or even minimal boy groups.

This is my 4th year being a kpop fan or anything Korean. 4 years of listening purely korean songs. I'm not updated in the western songs now a days hehe. Well, Kpop/Kdrama helped me to uplift myself. Discover new things that I didn't know I can do. Loving myself more. Letting go of all the negativity in my head. At least, I can manage what my head is trying to do with me (mental awareness). Sometimes, I can still feel that lonliness but not to that point that I felt so empty and blank.

Kpop/Kdrama in general help me through a lot and I'm glad that I'm happy to what I am now.

Here's my story how I became a Kpop/kdrama fan

[kpop]

K-Pop Spotlight: TWICE

Nine-member girl group TWICE are back with their latest summer hit, “Alcohol-Free,” and a new mini-album, Taste of Love. To celebrate, we caught up with the group to chat about their new music, style and aesthetics, and their dream dinner dates. It’s been nearly six years since TWICE’s debut under JYP Entertainment, and the girls are as busy as ever: between juggling solo performance videos and projects, a reality show, and talk show appearances, there’s never been a better time to be a ONCE. Check out our full interview below!

Can you tell us the inspiration behind your new mini-album, Taste of Love, and what you hope your fans take away from it?

DAHYUN: The taste of love has very diverse charms: sweet, happy, special, etc. I hope our fans can share this warm feeling with each other and build memorable moments with TWICE this summer through Taste of Love.

TZUYU: The title track of Taste of Love, “Alcohol-Free,” is made from J. Y. Park’s inspirations. Other tracks’ lyrics were written by some of the members, which have their own interpretation about what Love tastes like. I hope our fans can experience the different definitions of taste of love through our new album.

The three different versions of your mini-album represent Taste, Fallen, and In Love—what do each of those terms mean to you, outside of your music and fans?

NAYEON: K-food for Taste, because K-food is always tasty. For Fallen, I would say spicy food and ice vanilla latte, and baby blue color for In Love. I’ve fallen in love with baby blue color, which is why the song I wrote the lyrics for in this album is about baby blue love.

CHAEYOUNG: All three terms expressed the feeling of falling in love after tasting. I can relate to this feeling when I eat strawberries. ONCEs know how much I love strawberries.

Who and/or what influences your overall aesthetic—from your music to your style to your fashion sense?

CHAEYOUNG: I think the music I create and the fashion I wear naturally reflect my favorite movie characters, photos, and collectibles. Therefore, I try as much as possible to discover new styles and to love what I already love deeper so that I can broaden my aesthetic.

SANA: My feeling at that exact moment. I try to express my current thoughts, feelings, atmosphere, mood, and interest through my aesthetic, so I guess the answer to this question is my own self.

This year marks six incredible and busy years since your debut—what advice would you give to women who are just starting out in the music industry?

MINA: Instead of copying others, if you really spend time with yourself and find your true self, you’ll be able to shine brighter than any other people. Loving yourself and believing what you think is right is the most important advice I’d like to give to future stars.

JIHYO: There is a saying in Korea, “Well begun is half done.” The courage to start itself can propel you to achieve so many things. Instead of doubting yourself, love yourself more and the work you make for the world. Before you know, you’ll be at the top of your world.

What is your self-care routine?

TZUYU: I always try to stay fit and healthy so that I can be with ONCE as long as I want and deliver the best performances! This motivation helps me take care of myself.

MOMO: Eating a lot and staying healthy by exercising. My self-care tip is to laugh out loud and smile since staying happy is the most powerful and important self-care routine. I try to spread this tip with TWICE’s members and ONCEs by making them laugh.

What’s your favorite lyric from your discography?

JEONGYEON: These days, I’m into “YOU IN MY HEART.” I want to perform this song in front of ONCE and treasure ONCEs’ individual faces and cheer in my heart.

JIHYO: I love the lyrics of “Feel Special.” The overarching storyline behind this song is that I’m able to smile again because of you. I especially like the first part of the song, “There are one of those days. Days when I suddenly feel all alone. When I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and my head is hanging down,” because everyone can relate to this moment. I hope “Feel Special” can energize whoever is experiencing these days out there!

If you could have dinner with one person, living or dead, who would it be and why?

DAHYUN: My dad. Because I wasn’t able to spend a lot of time with my family after debut due to living apart, I would like to have healing moments eating warm and delicious dinner with my family.

MOMO: If it’s just one person, it’s too hard to decide, because there are so many people I like, including our very special fans, ONCE! If I can’t have dinner with each and every one of them, I’d rather have dinner by myself while connecting through livestream, eating all the food for ONCE.

Want more of TWICE? Check out their brand new mini-album, Taste of Love, here.

[resteretonnant]

Been in an aloof mode for almost a week now. I've been dealing with a lot of people that wanted me to be at their own standards. I've been adjusting to them so many times and I felt drained and tired. It's like sucking your whole energy. I am trying really hard to stand at their own standards, to undestand, and to accept them. But, are they accepting my personality? Can they adjust even once at my own pace?

I am a bit playful and naughty at times. When things were serious, I became serious. I am very senstive to others, also I'm sensitive to myself as well. I care and protect the once that is important to me. I effort to those who were the rightful once. I will try to put an ease to your thoughts or to your surroundings by being light and an open communicator, or sometimes by being playful. These were my personality.

But most of the time, it was suppress and I can't let it loose. I want to give or to let them show the real me, but I tend to hide it and became quiet. And try to adjust again.

What can I say. That's their personality, that's them. I'll just need to recharge. That's all. Coz I might get tired of people. And I don't want to be that way. It'll be sad.

Sorry for the weird sentences, grammars and thought construnction. It's really out of place. I hope, ya'll get what I mean.

[resteretonnant]

Really, isn’t it odd?

Unfamiliar flowers

Look at me and say hello

Really, it’s special

All of the faces have different

Names and shapes

To you

What kind of atmosphere did I become?

Will you remember me?

Let’s meet again, goodbye

When I close my eyes

Everything becomes clear, as if it touches my hand

Can you be very happy?

Let’s meet again, goodbye

[ilvitamatt]

[thegoodvybe]

[throughtheeyesofemily97]

[itxylopez]

[justdickingabout]

[twilightown]

CAUSE EVERY TIME WE TOUCH I GET THIS FEELING

EVERY TIME WE KISS I SWEAR I COULD FLY

CAN’T U FEEL MY HEART BEAT FAST, I WANT THIS TO LAST

NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

[the-husbando]

This is the closest gif that can really capture the utter chaotic energy that is released when people hear this song

[resteretonnant]

This clip made me feel teary eyed. Actually, I'm crying a bit 😢. I get touched easily if I started to watch this kind of shows. It is like me saying but with no voice. I really can't explain what I have said. Sorry. So yeah. I love this kind of shows. Made me feel that at the end of the day, your most comfortable with is your family. And my family is my closest friends ❤

[resteretonnant]

How do I start? Well, I've been thinking lately why were my emotions are unstable. These emotions are starting to eat me up little by little. It bothers me and I tried to reflect. I conclude that these emotions were triggered by loneliness and emptiness. Even, I was busy or doing stuff that was distracting me, at the end of the day I feel so lonely and empty. I tried to displace by watching korean variety shows or dramas. What if I suddenly stop watching, will these emotion eat me up fully? I suddenly feel that I was locked up in a transparent box, that was slowly getting small.

Even before, like I was a kid, I always try to prove my existence to someone. Like, I will do everything to them to feel that I am something. It ended up that they didn't see what I am doing for them and instead of acknowledge someone else that didn't do much. I think it started that way and it piled and piled to the peak that sometimes I can't control. So now, it's a part of my personality that I am trying to out lived for many, many years.

I tried to talked to someone, they advice me to have someone to talk with, or they insist I may be missing something. Like, having a boyfriend. Come to think of it, it's been so long since I have one. But, at the end of the day, that person will not help me feel satisfied. I think that's not the solution at all. It's still my part to lived with it.

It's hard to feel this way. I sometimes, cry when I see or watch something that they make that person feel special or recognized, or watching funny and happy moments together. I don't know what's the solution anymore?

I'm not an overthinker, or a perfectionist, or an attention seeker. I just felt lonely and empty every single day. It comes to a point that my mind is just blank. Asking myself, what's wrong with me? Why do I feel empty? Why do I feel so lonely? Why? I can't express myself to much. I'm just talking to myself when I think to much. It's hard to wake up in the morning and you don't know what to do. Or what will tomorrow will give you. If I will feel blank again?

How I wish I can answer my questions. How I wish I can focus on 1 problem only. The transparent box was slowly become small every single day.

Ugh, I just feel so lonely, empty, and blank.......

[resteretonnant]

Everything to do with some part of your life. Perfect organization of some area of your life.

Positively, dreaming of boxes with things in them may reflect a sense of closure you have about an issue. Feeling that you are completely finished with an area of your life. Having something all figured out, fully processed issues, or areas of your life that are totally unimportant to think about anymore.

Negatively, boxes may reflect emotional baggage you are not letting go of. A lot of bitterness, regret, or guilt that you are giving too much importance to. Feelings about yourself being totally right while other people were totally wrong. Alternatively, from a negative perspective dreaming of a box may reflect feelings about an entire area of your life or your whole life being useless.

To dream of a lot of boxes may represent information overload or too much to think about. Too many subjects all at once.

To dream of an empty box represents a wish to organize your thoughts or your life. You may be in the process of creating closure for yourself in some area of your life. Getting some area of your life in order. Putting away the past or some area of your life.

To dream of putting boxes of clothing away may reflect feelings about not having to behave in a certain way ever again. Negatively, it may reflect feelings about not having to be as honest as you previously were anymore now that a situation has changed.

[resteretonnant]

Stressful Months

*sigh* what a good way to end my year with these stressful things. For the last 2 months, I've been carrying so many emotions that I'm trying to control with. Since November, I'm battling with my shallow mind. Thinking of the past makes me remember that dreadful memories. Nov. 2017 was one of the worst months ever. I've got problem at work. I thought I'll be terminated. Then, had a "love problem". Lastly, rejections/disappointments to the people I trusted the most. And that emotions flash back last November. That's why I don't want to celebrate my birthday. It's like, there's no use of celebrating it. No one can make me feel that day was special. So I'd rather chose my own way to celebrate it. That was staying at my house and sleep. That month was very emotionally tiring. I tried to control everything. But my energy drained so fast to I tend to sleep more.

Then this month, December. I was so bombarded with events that I really don't know where it come from. I'm so struggling to the point that I'm asking myself... " where will I stand?" I keep on adjusting since day 1. To fit on every individual I meet. But at the end of the day, I am always lacking or sometimes I didn't do anything. But people misunderstood me. I try to make myself better. I try to reflect on my own. Like no one knows what my head is thinking. Then I'll just make an action on my own.

I don't know what to at times. Where will I stand? Do I always make the adjustment? Can they make that adjustment for my sake, even once? Why people misunderstood me? Why some people can clearly see their efforts? Will they also see me if I will do nothing? Why do they always blame me even I asked them what to do?

To be honest, it's really tiring. So I sleep more specially on my off. I'm physically and emotionally tired. My mind is sometimes weird cuz it's hard for me not to care specially if that person is important.

It's so mind boggling. All I can do is to *sigh* while walking at night. Luckly, few of my thoughts were answered. But stress keeps on coming. I don't know what 2019 will bring me. Eversince, no one was on my back fully to watch over me. It's tiring that you always cheer yourself, or to pat yourself at the back. Sometimes, you need someone to do that for you.

So yeah, I'm praying that my 2019 will be my solution for all the stress that I've felt for these past months.

Thanks for reading. Good night

[resteretonnant]

Hearing this song made me relax. It’s so soothing and calming in the ear. I love this kind of songs, especially at night. Actually, this song reminds me of my childhood. When I always go to this certain place to think, when I have so many thoughts. It’s not here in Manila. It’s in my hometown, Laguna. I always go there, lay down under the shade, listening to the gusty wind. hearing children running in the field. Then I’ll go to this place where you can see the glimpse of Laguna de Bay. That’s my escape before. Well, actually my comfort.

I’m happy to experience that certain era of my life. OKAAAAY, back to the track hahaha. This is a really nice song and a good lullaby. Kahit sobrang stress everyday. I have this time where I can listen to this kind of songs and relax.

That’s it! hahaha. I just want to share this song to you guys. Do you have any song that reminds of your childhood? :)

[resteretonnant]

Birthday Month

Hello! I'm just going to share these thoughts in my head that was squirming to go out.

As all you know, my birthday is coming less than a month. Some people asked me same question. "What are you going to do in your birthday?" "Do you have any plans in your birthday?" Well, I just stared at them for a second and I can't really answer them directly. I often say that I don't have any plans. And it will be a regular day.

Some think that I was only saying that because I'm getting older or it's just a part of being an adult. But the real reason is that.....

When it comes to birthday, specially mine. I tend myself to be selfish. Like, I wanted that day to be mine, and all of the people who will celebrate it with me will only focus on me. Just me. Not someones else or anybody else. For the past birthdays I had. I celebrated with some people, however, during those moments, their focused on someone else. It's like, hey, who are you celebrating with? With your partners or your peers? It's like I'm just celebrating with myself. I felt alone even in my birthday.

Ugh, that word "alone" always made me teary. I'm trying to fight that. I'm trying to be with others and enjoy their company, but sometimes at the end of the day with them, they make me feel alone. That's why on my birthday, I'm very sensitive at it. Coz on that day, I want them to focus only to me. Just 1 day of the year.

Secondly, last year, I celebrated my birthday with someone special. It was that moment that I never forget. Coz it's the 1st time that someone is only focused on me. It's not often to experience that. After that wonderful day, it ended instantly. It's really heart breaking tho.

So, I have this thing, when I celebrate my birthday so happily, the next day, something will bad happen that will leave a mark. Or when I try to expect someone that will give there sincere attention to me but they will not give it to me, I'll be so disappointed.

I don't know anymore. I really don't want to celebrate with this kind of feeling. I don't want to expect to others, it's really regretful when you didn't achieve your expectations. Whether, it comes from your friends or someone special.

I'm just go with the flow. Like it's just a regular day. It's really tiring giving yourself to someone all the time. When the time comes that you expect something else, you'll be disappointed.

If someone gives me something that comes really with there heart I'm trully fluttered. Simple gestures sometimes are the hardest thing to do. When I receive that, I know that they really made an effort. And that will be a perfect gift.

That's it. Well, I guess you will find this blog kinda confusing. Many thoughts and topics were shared. So yeah. Thanks for reading it. Till next time.