“ i wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards. ”
“ oh the joys of a negative pregnancy test. ”
“ i used to want you to marry him. ”
“ i just think you deserve a bigger penis than that. ”
“ that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one i wasn't dating. ”
“ these business classes have improved my drug business ten fold. ”
“ we should paint friendship bongs. ”
“ the everclear bottle is suspiciously low. ”
“ i am a clusterfuck of fun. ”
“ you're like a bad decision making factory. ”
“ i'm still in shock, but your dick helped. ”
“ i'm removing my uterus. ”
“ my condolences to your vagina. ”
“ don't do acid and go to disney on ice. ”
“ how was your tequila? ”
“ are you making bad decisions yet? ”
“ should i be irritated , or flattered? ”
“ bongs and porn. i found the promised land. ”
“ you're gonna have to shave first from now on. ”
“ going commando on a monday morning is a bold move. ”
“ i have a type and you're not it. ”
“ what the fuck are we drinking? ”
“ why are you rhyming? ”
“ i feel like i haven't slapped your ass in years. ”
“ last night was fun , but it wasn't right. ”
“ let's do something tonight. i feel like setting things on fire. ”
“ there are footprints all over my windshield. ”
“ i'm sorry i pressured you for dick pics. ”
“ i left my bra and sneakers in your room. ”
“ i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts. ”
“ thank you for always being there for me. ”
“ i buy too many watermelons when i'm drunk. ”
“ what use do you have for dignity? ”
“ no , i come stoned to this class every week. ”
“ can't one of your roomates drive you? ”
“ seriously , i don't trust you. ”
“ you kind of suck and not in the fun way. ”
“ i would offer you moral support , but i have questionable morals. ”
“ you're an asshole. ”
“ sleeping beauty awakes. ”
“ you'll be home before midnight cinderella. ”
“ okay , prove you're not drunk to me. ”
“ it was a one time thing. ”
“ thanks it was an honor just to be nominated. ”
“ kinda getting a major gay vibe from you right now. ”
“ stop staring at my boobs , i can't concentrate. ”
“ here's the thing. i'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. ”
“ this house was built for laser tag. ”
“ the police scanner was talking about you again. ”
“ you can microwave pop tarts? ”
“ are you in or are you in? ”
“ it's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. ”
“ on a scale of one to america , how free are you this weekend? ”
“ we're having pizza delivered to the emergency room. ”
“ you love me. ”
“ forecast for tonight is alcohol , low standards and poor decisions. ”
“ i have your wallet. trade you for the tacos. ”
“ how does that even get suggested?! ”
“ you are the best fuck buddy i could have. ”
“ let's not get feelings and morals involved. ”
“ nobody is perfect. ”
“ this beer is not sobering me up at all. ”
“ a ham sandwich would be nice. ”
“ can we take a second to high five on our sex life? i love us. ”
“ why is there a ___ in my shower? ”
“ do you want to make me hamburgers? ”
“ sometimes , i worry for your future. ”
“ i feel like i owe you something. ”
“ i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities. ”
“ i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. ”
“ so , finals studying is going well? ”
“ i wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude. ”
“ let's go to mexico. arrrriba ! ”
“ i made us dinosaur chicken nuggets. ”
“ i'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they'd die in the food chain. ”
“ on a scale from 1, to can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging , how hungover are you? ”
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